How to cope?

LegacyUser

Over the last couple of months I have had two of the events that are described as 'life changing' in terms of stress. One of them was a continuation of a stress situation that has been going on for many years. I already knew that my spouse was not well, but recent events show that his condition is terminal, although it could be a few months or a year or two, it is not possible to know. He is in complete denial and has a number of issues that mean we do not have a lot of communication.

I do not want to discuss his problems, I am just outlining them to show where I am. Everything that can be done for him is being done.

I am just asking for other peoples experience in coping with my own situation. I am very low and exhausted. I get weepy at odd times without any obvious reason. I am tired beyond describing and cannot do anything for very long at a time. I think I am ok and then I have a perfectly normal and friendly conversation with someone and it throws me down, but I cannot see why. I have realised that because of the long-term situation I do not let anyone close to me, I have acquaintances but not friends, I don't want to annoy people with my problems. I am mostly on my own dealing with this. There is no family nearby, though I am in touch with them on the computer. My spouse does not even realise there is anything wrong with me, he does not take much notice of things, he would rather not know.

I have had to stop going to a social activity that I was interested in as I just don't have the energy, and I can't think clearly, I find myself being argumentative or getting the story wrong, or just being stressed by being with several people at a time. I end up feeling sick and weepy.

I know there are things like antidepressants and counselling, but if anyone has got through this kind of situation I would be interested to hear. Should I just give in to it for the moment and just rest, or should I fight it?

edellc

OP I dont want to sound insensitive to your cause but your OH sounds really selfish, yes is is sick and yes it is terminal but everything is being done for him as you say, and the fact there is little or no conversation between the two of you and that he doesnt take much notice of things is not helping your needs....A partnership is about two people, its give and take and no matter how sick I am, I still communicate with my OH and empathise with him when he is feeling a bit under the weather...I have an under active thyroid and sometimes I can can feel so tired and unable to do anything

I do think you should go to a doctor as other than maybe suffering from depression due to your isolation, you may have something else that is causing you to be tired and need to get that checked out

I also feel that you need to sit down and have a proper chat with your OH, sick or not you need to talk, he is going through a tough time and needs you now more than ever so it is vital that this is nipped in the bud or else you could end up resenting him and once he is gone the anger you will feel with him for this lost time is hard to deal with especially as you will definitely not be able to sort it then, so dont leave stuff till its too late and there is no going back

I hope you seek the help you need and talk to your OH that is really important

Peace and love OP xx

thefeatheredcat

You sound worn out OP and I think that is something you can't simply fight because you yourself could end up feeling worse and even more unable to cope. Speaking to your GP and telling them exactly how you feel and with what you're dealing with is a great option.

At the very least you can get yourself help to cope through what will be a tough time and I suggest that you do ask for and find out about any groups or organisations that offer support to dealing with terminal illnesses that can offer support or advice, for example, Galway Hospice. But I think for you being well is a priority too for you for yourself to overall continue coping better with the overall situation.

An uncle of mine was diagnosed with a terminal illness back in 2009 and was given 6 months to live, which he outlived up until a few weeks ago. I didn't really know about the situation until sometime in 2010 but I do know that there was nothing but a continuous constant uncertainty to be dealt with as a result. My uncle's long term partner only coped throughout it all because she had the great support of the entire extended family which she talked openly about everything to do with it all and got through the tougher times with a lot of help.

Talking about it helps and allowing yourself to allow people close to you who can relate and understand, who will help you cope will strengthen you. And it's not going to be easy knowing there's possibly a road you have to face on your own with your husband. It doesn't have to be that way and I think the more people that would know, the more people would be willing to help, to try and take some of the burden off you. I know only from second if not third hand experience it is a hard road, and difficult emotionally and to be honest I admire my aunt for coping so well because in her shoes I doubt I would have, even with support. But she did, with a lot of help. And you will too.

Xterminator

edellc wrote: »

OP I dont want to sound insensitive to your cause but your OH sounds really selfish, ...but everything is being done for him as you say, and the fact there is little or no conversation between the two of you and that he doesnt take much notice of things is not helping your needs.......Peace and love OP xx

well i think you are both being insensitive and unrealistic. Hes dying. So apart from being terminally ill hes facing hs own mortality. Lets not critique his communication skills.

To the OP you have every-ones sympathies im sure. when we get into a relationship we dont picture the sort of circumstance you are facing.

it takes its toll and what your going through is understandable. you cant just bottle it all up and carry on indefinitely. you need an outlet, and perhaps your gp can suggest a support group where you can talk out your feelings and experiences with people who have gone through what you are going through now.

when its all over I hope you wll be able to remember the happy times and the sad ones will be less prominent in your memory. Perhaps a bit of perspective will help you get through this.

but if you find yourself unable to go to your outside interests, you might need to seek some other way to give yourself a break, even if for a few hours.

edellc

I have dealt with someone with a terminal illness and yes it is hard but the best thing is communication from both sides, as the OP said they dont have a time scale it could be years or it could be months who knows and its not right for either of these people to have to live like this.....they need each other and a grown up conversation is required we can all bury our heads in the sand but nothing gets done.

I also know that if communication is not established and if support is not given from both sides the it is the OP left to deal with the anger she will have when her OH dies and its anger at herself for not saying what has to be said and when the communication isnt there she will be angry at the loss of the last few years when a simple conversation can solve this.

So yes it may be cruel but they need each other NOW and having no communication is clearly destroying the OP and living in a situation like that is not good for the OP nor is it any good for the OH, life is short so you have to make the most of it and hopefully make it a happy existence and the only way that will change is if the OP talks to him

I wish you all the love in the world OP as I truly know how hard the next few years will be for both of you, you need to say all the things you need to say now so you are not left feeling so sad and upset that you didnt when you dont have the opportunity any more, its always harder on those that are left than those that are gone, so open the communication channels and tell your OH how much you love them and how upset you are over this and deal with it together x

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your support; you are all correct in what you are saying, and you have made some very insightful comments. Communication is at the centre of the problem - I agree with edelic, but the 'other issues' that I spoke of means that there will not be any real communication. I don't want to go into alot of detail and I know that because of that I am limiting this conversation.

He has a very traditional attitude, that if you ignore something, somehow that means it isn't a problem and tbh if he wants to pretend that he is not ill that is his way of coping and I don't think I should insist that he should face the situation. He somehow manages to accept the treatment without accepting that he is ill. That is only a small part of the problem but it is an example of the un-real world he has invented round himself. It is made harder because he is intelligent and pleasant natured, just impossible to deal with.

I have to step away from involving myself in his fantasies, but at the same time be here and take care of him. Maybe it is time to find a support group where it is possible to discuss things openly, I will look around. I want to be totally selfish and talk about how i am affected, but it always comes back to his problems and how he should be dealt with, and I know that nothing is going to change there, he doesn't see that he has any problems.