How to deal with knowing OH's past

LegacyUser

So finally, after a year, me and my OH had the talk about past relationships. I think there was a lot of tension about this, and now there is a lot of relief at getting it all out there, so that's a good thing at least.

First, to say, I know I'm just being silly, but I can't help it.

He has only been involved with very few people, but the thing is, all these people I know as acquaintances kind of. One lives near me, and the other was in a few of my classes. The other, I don't think I've ever met, but I know we have mutual friends.
I just can't stop picturing stuff is my problem. I really should just get over it, I know it means nothing now, because I feel nothing now for anyone I've ever been with.
I've never had to deal with this before - my last boyfriend and I never discussed this kind of stuff. And I guess I just feel a bit weird because last week he was checking one of the girl's facebook pages when I was there (I didn't know then he had been involved with her), and it's kind of annoying me now.

I really know I'm being stupid and I should get over it. I know everyone has a past. I guess it was a lot of information to take in in one night. I'm a naturally jealous and insecure person so that really doesn't help. I couldn't sleep last night because I just kept thinking about it all. I really wish I could stop.

By the way, I totally trust him - I do get jealous sometimes, but I know he wouldn't ever do anything.

Am I over reacting a lot, or is this normal to feel? I know it'll die down in a few days and I'll store it in the back of my mind, but til then, I'd just like to know how others deal with this.

The Big Red Button

I think you're completely overreacting to be honest.

I think it's quite unusual that you've been going out for a year and are only talking about your histories now. Then again, maybe that's just me. I've always been open and upfront about that stuff with any boyfriend I've had - I have nothing to hide. Your past makes you who you are. You say there was a lot of tension about discussing it - why was this? You didn't want to, or he didn't? I think it's a pretty normal discussion for any couple to have.

In my opinion, it shouldn't bother you in the slightest that he's been with acquaintances of yours (and fairly distant acquaintances, by the sounds of it.) I could understand a bit of weirdness if he'd been with family members/best friends, but neighbours/classmates that you're not even close to? It's a non-issue. It's very strange that you're picturing stuff about them in your head. And it's also strange that you seem somehow annoyed with him about this - it happened before you were on the scene, he did nothing wrong! When he was with these girls, he had no way of knowing he was eventually going to end up in a relationship with a distant acquaintance of theirs!

I'd think nothing of him looking at the girl's Facebook page either, to be honest. Not unless you happened to notice he was doing it all the time. And it's not like he was trying to hide it from you or anything.

Have you much of a "history" compared to him? How did he react to hearing about yours?

You say you're naturally jealous and insecure - I'd agree with you, by the sounds of it. I don't mean that in an offensive way! It's just that your reaction seems to me to be completely over the top. But is there a reason for your insecurities - have you been cheated on in the past? And how jealous/insecure is your boyfriend, in comparison to you?

As for how to deal with it. My advice would be not to take it out on him. He's done absolutely nothing wrong here. As long as he's never given you any reason to doubt him (and I would not count the Facebook thing as a reason), then it would be very unfair of you to take this out on him. Just bear in mind that anything that happened with these girls was before he was with you, and probably before he even thought he might end up in a relationship with you. I don't really see the point in discussing it any further with him, unless you have any real specific concerns? If I were you, I'd just do my best to forget about it, and focus on the present and the future.

LegacyUser

chatterpillar wrote: »

I think you're completely overreacting to be honest.

I think it's quite unusual that you've been going out for a year and are only talking about your histories now. Then again, maybe that's just me. I've always been open and upfront about that stuff with any boyfriend I've had - I have nothing to hide. Your past makes you who you are. You say there was a lot of tension about discussing it - why was this? You didn't want to, or he didn't? I think it's a pretty normal discussion for any couple to have.

In my opinion, it shouldn't bother you in the slightest that he's been with acquaintances of yours (and fairly distant acquaintances, by the sounds of it.) I could understand a bit of weirdness if he'd been with family members/best friends, but neighbours/classmates that you're not even close to? It's a non-issue. It's very strange that you're picturing stuff about them in your head. And it's also strange that you seem somehow annoyed with him about this - it happened before you were on the scene, he did nothing wrong! When he was with these girls, he had no way of knowing he was eventually going to end up in a relationship with a distant acquaintance of theirs!

I'd think nothing of him looking at the girl's Facebook page either, to be honest. Not unless you happened to notice he was doing it all the time. And it's not like he was trying to hide it from you or anything.

Have you much of a "history" compared to him? How did he react to hearing about yours?

You say you're naturally jealous and insecure - I'd agree with you, by the sounds of it. I don't mean that in an offensive way! It's just that your reaction seems to me to be completely over the top. But is there a reason for your insecurities - have you been cheated on in the past? And how jealous/insecure is your boyfriend, in comparison to you?

As for how to deal with it. My advice would be not to take it out on him. He's done absolutely nothing wrong here. As long as he's never given you any reason to doubt him (and I would not count the Facebook thing as a reason), then it would be very unfair of you to take this out on him. Just bear in mind that anything that happened with these girls was before he was with you, and probably before he even thought he might end up in a relationship with you. I don't really see the point in discussing it any further with him, unless you have any real specific concerns? If I were you, I'd just do my best to forget about it, and focus on the present and the future.

Hi, thanks for the reply.
I know it's ridiculously stupid of me to feel this way. To be honest, I feel a lot better now that I've processed it all. I don't know why I got so bad about it, I feel like an idiot.

I'm not annoyed with him in any way. I never expected him to have no past regarding that stuff. If anything, I'm annoyed at myself for being so over the top about it.

Regarding the tension - that was on his part. He had got it into his head the last few months that I was cheating on him (even though I definitely wasn't) and I think just being completely open about everything in the past was the only way for him to stop thinking that.

I know it's weird that we hadn't discussed this beforehand. I don't know why either of us didn't bring it up, I guess in my case I just didn't really want to know, mainly because I knew I'd probably feel a bit weird by it. And I was right it seems.

Anyway, I do feel tons better now, and I'm sure I'll get over it all soon.

OP I actually think it's fine to be bothered. Sometimes people get jealous. You're able to admit it, and clearly the lines of communication between you and your boyfriend have been opened now so it should be something you can talk about.

He's perfectly entitled to check an ex's page to see what they're getting up to, and you're perfectly entitled to feel a bit nosy about it and get a tad jealous. As long as you realise that there's nothing wrong going on and that you can't hold your feelings against him, it's fine to admit that that's how you feel.

My boyfriend's best friend is female, and while I'm fully supportive of their relationship, and I know they only see each other as friends, I'd also openly admit that deep down sometimes I wish I was the only woman in his life - it's completely unrealistic, but none the less deep down everyone gets jealous sometimes, and it's best to just be open about it and accept that it's something you have to deal with yourself.

Elmidena

OP there's nothing wrong with it being a shock to your system but don't let the thoughts drive you insane. If you feed them too long, it'll go from the imagery bothering you to you being unable to trust him and watching his every move, which isn't helpful to either of you. As angry or uncomfortable or whatever picturing all that makes you feel, please remember that they're ghosts of the past and you're his long term girlfriend xxx