Two people from different cultures

Tetra

I have been through some tough times in the past, I have overcome them with help from my family. I am 31 years old and am living with my parents at the moment.

I met a guy who is 29 years old, from Pakistan, he has been living in Ireland for 7 years. We have met a few times and I enjoy his company and he told me that he likes spending time with me.

I told my father about him today. My father does not approve of this at all, he says that men and women cannot be just friends, and that he wants something. He said that he has seen all this before, two of my aunts were involved with men from different cultures and backgrounds and in both cases it was a complete disaster. My older sister married a man from Romania, even though my parents were very much against it, she said she was getting married with or without them. My parents were very hurt and upset and my mother cannot accept my brother in law at all, even to this day she does not like him for several reasons, one of them being that she thinks he is not good enough for our family. I was talking to my father today and he thinks that my brother in law is very controlling and when my sister announced her engagement my parents were devastated.

To be honest I am not sure what to do. I enjoy spending time with this man, I like him and he likes me too but I feel that I am not being fair to him or to my parents. Should I just end things now or just wait and see what might happen? I feel like I am being pulled in several different directions.

edellc

We can all at some stage in our life try to please everyone and the only thing that happens is we end up unhappy and please no one...i understand how your family feel but this is your life and we only get one so you have to make it what you want and do what makes you happy. I know this seems selfish but what is the alternative, being alone and lonely and not being with someone just because your father disapproves.

Your an adult and are entitled to live your life for you, your parents will not be around forever and why end up alone or worse with someone you dont like or love just to make them happy.

So OP if you are enjoying this mans company then continue to enjoy it, when your parents say something disapproving just smile and say ah well its my life and my mistakes to make

I hope you find some peace in your mind over this and find a bit of happiness as we all deserve to be happy and smile

Peace and love op x

looksee

The 'not good enough' argument has traditionally been trotted out by mothers since the beginning of time, not just about people of different traditions, it happens within societies too.

However your parents are right to be cautious about marriage between different traditions, it is not easy and there are pitfalls that are difficult to imagine at this stage in your relationship. Your aunts' problems were not helped by the family atmosphere, and the issues have probably grown with the telling. You will also have to deal with this atmosphere though, so any relationship would have to be strong to deal with it.

There is more than a slight possibility that his family would be horrified at the idea of him marrying out of his race, so you would have two sets of aggravated parents to deal with.

None of this means that you should automatically accept your parents' disapproval. You are an adult and you must make your own decisions - and live with them. You seem to be anxious that you have to make a decision now? Why is that? Do you feel that the clock is ticking and you don't want to 'waste time?' Being fair to your parents doesn't come into it, but why do you feel that you are not being fair to him?

Take your time, try and sort out your feelings without feeling guilty. He does not appear to be pressuring you to get married, and in the mean time you can allow your friendship to develop and see where it takes you. It may naturally run its course and fade, or you may discover that you want to take it further. Wait and see.

pickarooney

Your father, who sees fit to meddle in the affairs of his thirtysomething daughters, thinks her husband is controlling?

It's really about time you stopped paying any heed to your parents.

Tetra

Well I think my dad is being cautious because I originally met this guy online, but we have met several times since then. He has not mentioned marriage to me, and I was happy just taking things slowly and just see how they go but my dad is not happy at all, even at this stage. We also live in different cities, Dublin and Galway, and in our conversation today my dad said that he must be really odd and up to something if he can't meet a girl in Dublin. Thank you to the people who took the time to read and reply, it means a lot. After talking with my dad my head is all over the place.

looksee

Look, your dad is entitled to his opinion, and is undoubtedly going to give it. In the interests of peace and quiet just keep nodding and agreeing and making non-committal noises, and carry on doing whatever suits you. You are in your 30s, you can and should make your own decisions.

At the moment the situation is not advanced enough to be thinking of anything permanent, and its mostly a distant relationship anyway. Since you haven't really had much actual contact with him you shouldn't be thinking of him as anything more than a friend.

The elephant in the room is that he may (just may) be looking for a marriage of convenience, just be aware.

LegacyUser

OP I could have written your post except I actually went the whole hog. I was idealistic, thought that cultural differences could be fused easily and generally dismissed the reservations and concerns of other people as backward thinking. All those preconceptions turned out to be true, unfortunately, and now I have to live with the consequences.

I sense an air of vulnerability as well as indecisiveness from your post, as I was myself, so you can leave yourself wide open to be taken advantage of. As certain Asian cultures can be quite dominant, it's very easy for your identity to get completely swallowed up. You need to be quite strong to enter into such a relationship or marriage, even where the intentions are somewhat benign, and even then there is no guarantee it will survive.

My romantic idealism is now gone and based on my own experience I would actually heed the concerns of your family and friends. Hindsight is a great thing ....or maybe you could have more luck than me.

Tetra

Thank you looksee for your advice. I agree with everything that you have said.

nowyouresix

TBH: Been there, and done that. You will always find examples of the situation working, and examples of it not working. It didn't work for me, and when I look back, I'm nearly surprised that I was with someone for so long who didn't even get my humour/jokes! Now I wouldn't even consider getting involved with someone who's not Irish, but that's just me!
What I'm saying is: best of luck, but I can't tell you it'll be easy.... and no matter how much you love him, you may come to resent all the trouble the whole relationship may cause.

LegacyUser

OP, as a girl coming from that culture, i know the fact of yourself being older to him most probably would be an issue if the long term relationship/marriage topic came up and he was seeking approval from his family. I know it's early days but i just wanted to point that out to you.

LegacyUser

We cannot speak for every Pakistani. This is a fellow who has been living in Ireland for 7 years and I assume he has studied here as well. Someone educated, wordly and open minded, I would assume. I know many Pakistanis of all ages and backgrounds. Some are very conservative and others quite liberal. The very conservative ones are more traditional and religious. I wouldn't say they are dominating as their wives are educated and have professions and encourage their daughters to do the same. In fact, I dated a few Irish guys who were controlling, so we cannot generalise can we?

All I can say is that you met him. If you enjoy each others company than be friends first. You may realise you may not want to go further. Just because you enjoy each other's company doesn't necessarily mean you may end up together. I have met guys online and we became good friends instead of bf/gf. If it is your father that you are concerned about, may I remind you that you are an adult woman who can make her own decisions?

I can understand what your parents are telling you. They are concerned for you because of the "unknown". Both my parents went through the same with their parents. My mother is Pakistani and my father is Irish. In the end, my parents' married. My grandparents were hurt and upset (some refused to go to the wedding) but they did get over it after the grandchildren started to show up.

Take your time and enjoy yourself. Get to know him and where he comes from. What do the women in his family do? Learn about his culture and his views about family and marriage. Then decide if this is somebody you see yourself with. I know some posters here have admitted that it didn't work for them and there are others like my parents who ended up happy.

!!!

I think you should not take relationship advice from your Father.