Like Ross from Friends...except I got away with it...

LegacyUser

My OH and I were broken up. We were still in contact and it was looking like we would reconcile when I found out that he had kissed another girl. In retaliation (stupid drunken retaliation) I slept with someone else.

He never found out and we reconciled and are happy now.

Technically, the only thing I've done wrong is I fibbed when he asked me if I was with someone else...I just don't see the point in hurting him with the knowledge

Should I keep schtum? I don't see what good telling him would do and it is incredibly unlikely he would ever find out.

The Big Red Button

Hmmm I'd be inclined not to say anything, to be honest, can't see what it would achieve.

One thing to consider is whether you used proper protection when you were with the other guy? If you didn't, it's only fair to let your partner know, so that ye can both get checked out.

Herrick

How did you find out about him kissing the other girl? Did he tell you? Did he admit it when you asked him if it was someone else that told you?

judgefudge

I can't really see what could be achieved from telling him to be honest... So long as you don't have any intention to see the guy again and there's no chance your bf would find out some other way?

There's a lot to be said for being honest with your partner, but sometimes telling the truth can cause more hurt/damage than good. If you weren't together at the time you don't really owe it to him to tell him.

Piliger

You were broken up. What is achieved by telling him ? Nothing. You did something insanely idiotic and it's for your own conscience and learning process to deal with, not for him to be burdened by.

ihsb

I am a believer of honesty being the best policy. So I would say it. Probably an opinion against the grain but I would hate the lie more then the truth.

RealistSpy

I am also a believe in honesty but it will do bad than good and I am talking from experience.

Bodhidharma

The fact that you slept with someone in "retalliation" for a kiss would set alarm bells ringing for me. It seems to suggest a very odd way of looking at things and, without trying to be harsh, a lack of self respect. Maybe look at your reasoning behind your actions rather than saying something to him.

Yeah, I have to say that kissing someone doesn't deserve the retaliation of you sleeping with someone else. As another poster has said, if you didn't use protection with this other guy and aren't using protection with your boyfriend, then you owe it to him to tell him, so both of you can get tested.

Herrick

ihsb wrote: »

I am a believer of honesty being the best policy. So I would say it. Probably an opinion against the grain but I would hate the lie more then the truth.

Totally agree. If I was the guy in question here and later found out I was lied to, to say I would be angry is an understatement.

I would much rather be told straight up. I might be a little hurt but I'd think you know what at least I know she is honest with me.

I always wonder in these situations when people say "you were broken up, you did nothing wrong!" If you think thats the case, why is there a need to keep quiet about it?

Sinfonia

In my opinion, lying to him has not been an effort to spare his feelings; rather it has been a selfish action intended to prevent damage to the relationship, which you obviously want. He may want it now too, but he may not in light of that information. If you want a mutually respectful relationship, you should allow him the opportunity to make an informed decision about how he wants to continue, rather than being 'blissfully' ignorant.

LegacyUser

Bodhidharma wrote: »

The fact that you slept with someone in "retalliation" for a kiss would set alarm bells ringing for me. It seems to suggest a very odd way of looking at things and, without trying to be harsh, a lack of self respect. Maybe look at your reasoning behind your actions rather than saying something to him.

Wow...are you a pyscho-analyist? Or just perfect? If drunken behaviour has never caused you to make a mistake, then your a better person than most people I know. As for a lack of self respect? I WAS DRUNK...it's not like I maliciously planned it; things seem like a good idea when your drunk that just seem place stupid in the sober light of day. I'm not claiming I didn't make a mistake, I'm asking if that mistake should set the tone for what could be the rest of my life.

And before the naysayers jump on the bandwagon and say I should evaluate my drinking, I don't have a problem. I was heartbroken and looking for something to numb the pain and alcohol was there that one night.

I understand where those to have said tell him are coming from and I am considering it, however I feel like I've maybe left it too long now and it would be seen as more of a betrayal...it would be so easy to just bury it.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

The forum rules regarding civil responses apply to all posters - any more rudeness directed at any poster that takes the time to respond to your thread, and your thread will be closed.

Bodhidharma

Ross not Rachel wrote: »

Wow...are you a pyscho-analyist? Or just perfect? If drunken behaviour has never caused you to make a mistake, then your a better person than most people I know. As for a lack of self respect? I WAS DRUNK...it's not like I maliciously planned it; things seem like a good idea when your drunk that just seem place stupid in the sober light of day.

Retalliation, your word not mine, is generally preconceived. As regards being drunk, its an easy out in my opinion.

I'm not trying to have a go at you, no one is perfect, I'm just suggesting you should look at your motives for your actions. You want to be happy in your relationship with this guy, good luck to you.

Clearly you're not happy with what happened, make up for it by being stronger.

thefa

Your display of one-upmanship shows that your relationship is more of a fight for power than anything too meaningful in my opinion. The fact that ye were on a break only slightly mitigates this because you knew you were very likely to get back together but still went about it. Being drunk doesn't mean a complete loss of control or emotions either.

Piliger

Hi OP. We all do silly things when we are hurt. And when we set our expectations at a level that are unrealistic, then we get hurt a lot more often.

He was entitled to kiss anyone he liked when you were broken up. He was entitled to sleep with anyone he liked.

The problem is that clearly you didn't feel you were broken up. Otherwise you wouldn't be have been so hurt and felt the need to react. That was a mistake.

Telling him is only aimed at dealing with your own guilt, and does nothing to help him. Truth is enormously over rated, especially outside a relationship, which you were not in with him at the time. Lots of people, especially around here, tell you they believe in 100% truth or it's all over. But the real truth is most people can't handle the truth, and secretly don't want to know everything at all.

Telling him will only confuse and hurt him. Chalk it up to experience and get on with living.

The Big Red Button

ihsb wrote: »

I am a believer of honesty being the best policy. So I would say it. Probably an opinion against the grain but I would hate the lie more then the truth.

You know, I agree that, ideally, she should have been honest about it when he first asked her. They weren't together at the time, so he really wouldn't have had any right to be angry with her over it.

But that's in the past now. Most likely he'll never bring it up again. So it's not a case of "lying" rather than telling the truth, it's a matter of just leaving it in the past.

If she'd actually cheated on the guy, while they were together, that woudl be a different matter altogether.

Deleted User wrote: »

Yeah, I have to say that kissing someone doesn't deserve the retaliation of you sleeping with someone else.

It's not really retaliation, though, when they weren't together anyways, and when she didn't do it just to through it back in the boyfriend's face (after all, she didn't tell him, at the time or since.)

Most of us have done stupid things (/people! ) when we're drunk, and especially when upset over a break-up.

In my opinion, what she did when she was single isn't really anything to do with him (unless, as stated, there's a risk of STDs.) As I said, ideally she should have been honest when asked ... but it's in the past now.

However, OP, if it's something that's on your mind a lot and isn't going away, you probably will have to tell him at some point. You wouldn't know, maybe he'd react better than you'd expect. Maybe he slept with other girls too, that you don't know about yet ... then again, would you really want to know? I know I'd probably rather not - as long as he hadn't cheated on me with them.

Sinfonia

Piliger wrote: »

Telling him is only aimed at dealing with your own guilt, and does nothing to help him. Truth is enormously over rated, especially outside a relationship, which you were not in with him at the time. Lots of people, especially around here, tell you they believe in 100% truth or it's all over. But the real truth is most people can't handle the truth, and secretly don't want to know everything at all.

Telling him will only confuse and hurt him. Chalk it up to experience and get on with living.

I don't believe that relationships should be handled with band-aid fixes and intentionally ignoring or shying away from the truth. I don't think life in general should be handled that way.
Put everything out in the open: you are who you are, and the things you have done are the things you have done. If your partner can't handle that, then maybe you're not right for each other, and maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship together. Don't allow your desire to be with someone to lead you to deceiving them for that purpose. Allow them to decide whether or not they want to be with - the real - you.

Peanut2011

OP most posters have told you forget about it and move on. What he does not know won't hurt him.

There is some truth at that. I do believe that it will open up a whole can of problems, however imagine this. What if he found out 2 years down the line??

If you were broken up as you say you were although clearly you had feelings for him still, he should not get upset about it as you had every right to do what you will. On the other hand the fact that he asked if you had been with anyone else and you lied and said you had not is the problem.

You did not say why the relationship broke up in the first place but the fact that you have started it on a lie again will eventually create the problems.

Do you think he would not want to be with you if he knew?
Do you think he deserves the truth?


After all, if you have the fight next time and you are feeling hart broken, will the drink and ONS help again only cos you managed to get away with it this time?

I would seriously consider what to do at this stage and I know the truth is something that is often not taken easily and yes most of us would not want to know however on the other hand he asked, do you not think he deserves your honesty?

OakeyDokey

Keeping things like this is never a good idea, for you to write a post on advice obviously shows that you are having a hard time with it.

Things like this might stay buried for awhile but there is always that chance that she will find out whether it's a chance meeting from the person you were involved with or if that person told anyone etc.

I also think that sitting her down and telling her will show that you are serious about your relationship.

analucija

OP you were not together when it happened. Would you feel the need to tell somebody with whom you started the relationship for the first time about your last sexual partner? It might be better not to lie when he asked you but on the other hand it is none of his business. I wouldn't say anything.

tbh

You were on a break, you were hurt and you were drunk. It means nothing. Don't let it ruin a good relationship - put it out of your head and get on with your life.