Stalked?!

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this and feel a bit silly posting it but bear with me.

I'm single the last two years and decided recently to get back in the dating game and joined a dating website. I got talking to a man about 2.5 months back. He was very nice, attractive, seemed normal enough. We spent about 6 weeks talking on the phone and msn until I felt happy with the idea of a face to face and then he dropped the bombshell...he's married with kids and a pregnant wife.

So of course I told him to stop contacting me etc. He kept ringing and emailing for a week or so all of which went ignored. Its all since stopped but today I got a call from a girl at work - I'm at home this week - to tell me that everyday a guy matching the description of this man has been in asking for me at reception.

Yes I stupidly told him where I worked.

Its making me feel very uncomfortable, I am half tempted to ring him to tell him yet again I have no interest in him but my friends tell me that would be foolish. I can hardly call the guards or take legal action but I am nervous that he might come in when I go back on Monday and do .... I don't know but hassle me

Any advice?

midnight_train

Yes, you can call the guards.

It's not the same thing, but I'm a dance teacher and my phone number, email, etc is all over the internet. 99.9% of the people who ring me up for lessons are totally normal, but I had a real weirdo contacting me earlier this year - ringing me, texting, missed calls, waiting for me outside venues he'd know I'd be at. At this is someone who never even attended a class, who didn't know me at all. Weird.

There was one point where he waiting outside for me for 2 hours and made me feel really freaked out. I didn't have anything on him, necessarily, he'd never threatened me or even anything close, but I was uncomfortable with the situation, so I explained everything to guard at my local station.

He ran a report on the guy to see if he had any record (he didn't) and offered to ring him up to tell him to leave me alone. I declined the offer, but blocked his number, etc.

Long story short - go to the guards. They were very helpful in my case and I'm sure they would be in yours, too. Just because you go to them doesn't mean you're taking some mad legal action. You're just taking advantage of free services to protect yourself against someone who, quite frankly, sounds pretty dodgy.

Good luck xx

Midnight Sundance

Even if the guards can't do anything right now they can make a record of your report and if it escalates further or if he does the same to someone else there is a pattern of behaviour.

2rkehij30qtza5

I'd definately go to the Gardaí for some advice. I had a stalker before too (when I was going out with my then boyfriend, now husband). I never went to the Gardaí and wish I did in hindsight as it dragged on for years. Basically this guy I barely knew who lived down the road began to literally stalk me. It got extremely scary and my husband did all he could at the time but I wouldn't go to the Gardaí. I was afraid I suppose and naive. Anyway this guy literally rang and texted me even after we moved away. This all happened around 9 years ago. About two years ago I got a call from my old place of work (finished with them around 7 years ago) to say that the guy (the stalker) was in contact with them looking for me! Freaky!!!! So obviously I regret not contacting the Gardaí and this would all have been over back in 2003 when it started!! So just go to the Gardaí and get some advice and no matter how tempting it is to contact this guy yourself to tell him yourself....DON'T!!!!

If you work at a building with security, tell them he's been bothering you and not to let him in. If you work at a smaller place without security, just tell everyone that the guy's been bothering you and to keep an eye out for him.

Send him a formal, clearly detailed and bluntly explanatory email telling him you no longer wish to see him and that if he continues to try to contact you and show up at your place of work you will consider it harassment. Don't send any further contact or pick up any of his calls.

If he continues, get proof, such as a witness or a CCTV clip, or if your building has security, get them to log it somewhere, print out your email (hopefully he'll reply so you'll have a confirmation that he knew what he was doing also) and give it to the gardaí.

Well done on getting out of a tricky situation OP, you've done exactly the right thing. Many people wouldn't have dealt with it as honestly and pro-actively as you.

TeddyTedson

madoldwagon wrote: »

Going unreg for this and feel a bit silly posting it but bear with me.

I'm single the last two years and decided recently to get back in the dating game and joined a dating website. I got talking to a man about 2.5 months back. He was very nice, attractive, seemed normal enough. We spent about 6 weeks talking on the phone and msn until I felt happy with the idea of a face to face and then he dropped the bombshell...he's married with kids and a pregnant wife.

So of course I told him to stop contacting me etc. He kept ringing and emailing for a week or so all of which went ignored. Its all since stopped but today I got a call from a girl at work - I'm at home this week - to tell me that everyday a guy matching the description of this man has been in asking for me at reception.

Yes I stupidly told him where I worked.

Its making me feel very uncomfortable, I am half tempted to ring him to tell him yet again I have no interest in him but my friends tell me that would be foolish. I can hardly call the guards or take legal action but I am nervous that he might come in when I go back on Monday and do .... I don't know but hassle me

Any advice?

If you see him just be very clear that if he ever tries to contact you again you'll be getting the guards involved in this.
I'd take it from there.
You can't be sure if it's him just yet.

2rkehij30qtza5

true-or-false wrote: »

If you work at a building with security, tell them he's been bothering you and not to let him in. If you work at a smaller place without security, just tell everyone that the guy's been bothering you and to keep an eye out for him.

Send him a formal, clearly detailed and bluntly explanatory email telling him you no longer wish to see him and that if he continues to try to contact you and show up at your place of work you will consider it harassment. Don't send any further contact or pick up any of his calls.

If he continues, get proof, such as a witness or a CCTV clip, or if your building has security, get them to log it somewhere, print out your email (hopefully he'll reply so you'll have a confirmation that he knew what he was doing also) and give it to the gardaí.

Well done on getting out of a tricky situation OP, you've done exactly the right thing. Many people wouldn't have dealt with it as honestly and pro-actively as you.

With regards to proof someone has received an email, in the eyes of the law if you have a 'read receipt' this is sufficient. Unfortunately a delivery receipt in the case of emails is not enough..you will need the read receipt. He wouldn't have to reply as this would be sufficient.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. To be honest I feel a bit funny even putting the title as Stalked as it seems a big word for what is really just someone being a bit of a saddo at the moment but I am at a loss what to do. I don't really know very much about him apart from his name, number and general location, I don't know where he works etc. Friends have said if he is married all he has told me could be a lie.

I do feel a bit funny talking to the police, i mean what has he done really apart from a few calls? It could be totally innocent.

I am a friend

His poor wife..

Belen Fierce Oarlock

Belen Fierce Oarlock wrote: »

With regards to proof someone has received an email, in the eyes of the law if you have a 'read receipt' this is sufficient. Unfortunately a delivery receipt in the case of emails is not enough..you will need the read receipt. He wouldn't have to reply as this would be sufficient.

I didn't mean as proof of having received it, rather that his reply would show an understanding that he was aware of the OPs position, and show his stance in the situation.

Neyite

I am a friend wrote: »

His poor wife..

...would be very interested to hear what her husband is getting up to I'm sure.

OP, I'd say block his number, and if he turns up at work, tell him straight that if he does not leave you alone you will go to the Gardai, and his wife might not appreciate one turning up on her doorstep to have a chat with him about his behaviour.

Ickle Magoo

I am a friend wrote: »

His poor wife..

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LegacyUser

I phoned the guards...not very helpful but I expected that. Nothing has happened so they can't do anything. I have been thinking it over and I want to be ahead of the posse and play him at his own game. I'm seriously thinking of heading into work myself tomorrow to see if he turns up and if he does I might just follow him and see if I can get a heads up on where he is working or lives. I feel like I am shifting between the idea that I am totally overreacting and the idea that I should protect myself "just in case". His profile on the site has been closed so I don't know what that means. I feel very uneasy about it and nervous about his intentions.

FouxDaFaFa

madoldwagon wrote: »

I might just follow him and see if I can get a heads up on where he is working or lives.

I would really, really advise against this.

I know you want to know where he lives/works so you can situate him a bit better but don't engage with him like that at all. It's unfortunate the guards couldn't do more but at least they have a record of the situation now.

It's understandable that you feel nervous, but hopefully the fact that he's closed his account means that he's realised what he's doing is wrong.

mood

Call to the station again in person. You just got a lazy guard. They are not all like that.

edellc

I know I am going to be jumped on for this but here goes

I too was stalked by a turkish guy with a limp when I was 19 he came into my work place every time I was working and stayed for most of my shift...it was retail, he tried to get into my taxi home...I finished at midnight, and every time I was in town he followed me or would be in the pub/club I was in

I kept a diary and went to the guards about it and guess what...as he actually hadn't done anything to me they could do nothing, I spent many a hour in the station reporting this and that...the station was only across the road from my work, but they did nothing as he had done nothing to me, it went on for years and I was a young girl and terrified of him

I met my bf and this turkish git and his mates tried to beat him up down an alley thankfully my OH can give as good as he gets so a gimp with a limp and his lackys paid the price and got a hiding, he never again bothered me and when I would see him walking towards me down the road, he crossed it and has since moved out of the area

I know that doesnt instil confidence in you OP and least of all it may make you feel like the guards cant help, and as you have been there already and gotten the say dribble as I was fed.....however do keep a diary and do report him every time, then if he does anything stupid they at least have a record

I cant tell you not to follow him thats up to you, but I would say if you do try bring someone with you, so you dont end up down a lane way alone and he has realised you are following him....I know its broad day light but attacks happen at any time of the day not saying he will attack you but you never know....so bring someone with you

If you also decide to contact him to tell him to stop, then let him know that the guards have been informed about his behaviour or if he rings your phone why not get a man to answer it

I understand why you would want to find out more about him, and I think it is unfortunate that you where looking for love and found a stalker, never nice, but you also have a positive and learned that you should in future always ask are you married...kids??? first before divulging where you work and any other info that someone could track you down with, also have a second phone for internet dating that way if you ever want to cut them off you dont need to change your personal phone number and just get a cheap sim for your dating phone

eadire

I feel so sorry for you OP. I know what it is like my neighbour stalked me and my mother for years till the guards finally did something about it. I would recommend to continue to make complaints to the gardai and write down each incident that happens.

Unfortunately there isnt much more you can do.

frag420

While this has never happened to me personally I know at least one person this has happened to. What i told him to do was google the girls name, her work, town etc. You can be guaranteed that there in the google results there will be a facebook reference or even better linkedin.

Perhaps call his boss when he is standing outside your place of work. While the internet can cause trouble as in your case(internet dating) it can also be used to your advantage!!

Good luck

frAg