Boyfriend erection problems

LegacyUser

At my wits end.
We are both in our mid-twenties and have been together 2 years. In that time I could count on one hand the amount of times we’ve had sex and it’s been successful.
My boyfriend cannot keep an erection. He says it’s performance anxiety and has to do with self-esteem issues, baggage from his last relationship, which he swears he is 100% over. He assures me he loves me more than anything and we are hoping to get married. The relationship is extremely good in every other way.

But this is seriously starting to get me down. We tried sensate focus for a while but have pretty much given up after repeated failure. When he does get an erection and manages to penetrate me, I’ve stopped enjoying it because I know it will only last a couple of minutes before he loses it and we can only do certain positions because the erections are so weak.

What’s so hurtful is that this was never a problem with his ex-girlfriend. The only issue he had with sex with her was that he said it felt very cold and stranger-like, but in terms of getting and maintaining an erection...no problems.

I just feel like s***. I don’t know what else to do. I feel so exhausted from working on it that I feel like packing in the whole relationship. But I love him so much and I know he loves me, it’s such a brilliant relationship in every other way.

Helpful advice only please- I know he's not cheating, addicted to porn, unattracted to me, or gay. Thanks

FatherlyNick

This may sound stupid, but maybe experiment with different foreplay techniques? Setting the correct mood can also help.

Also, does he use condoms?

aidan24326

Could it be a medical problem? Undiagnosed diabetes, some medication that he's on etc?

If you're fairly confident that it's nothing medicinal do you think he might agree to counselling/sex therapy or something similiar?

Above all he needs to accept that this is a problem but also a problem that can be dealt with.

LegacyUser

Have had the same problem

See a doctor. My doctor prescribed me an anti-impotency drug (ie Viagra) for just the same problem (nerves), and it worked wonders on confidence.

Also, try starting on him first thing in the morning (ie wake him up with sex) - going straight from morning wood to groggy sex often works wonders (the sex happens before you can think about it too much and lose the erection).

LegacyUser

as a bloke that happens with me sometimes too.

condoms desensitize the penis. even ultra light condons aren't that great.

he could try a technique that i find does help... take long strokes during the act of penatration... as the shorter deeper thrusting doesnt stimulate the penis head.

eadire

He needs to go see a doctor about this. It is very possible it could be a medical problem but if he knows for definate it isnt try different foreplay techniques like another poster has said and see what happens.
Is it only during intercourse he cant keep the erection or is it all the time foreplay and everything?

PerrDub

AppleCup wrote: »

What’s so hurtful is that this was never a problem with his ex-girlfriend. The only issue he had with sex with her was that he said it felt very cold and stranger-like, but in terms of getting and maintaining an erection...no problems.

It's an emotional problem, fairly deep seated by the sounds of it, now anxiety has built up around it and confidence lost...

I would suggest he go get some counselling to talk over his issues.

It's a matter for you to decide if you want to stay with this guy while he sorts his issues, or move on and meet someone you are more sexually/emotionally connected with...

tbh

Can he masterbate?

thefa

You may feel like **** but you should know that he probably feels worse than that as he is letting the team down. Also for someone with worries about performance, it hardly helps that you don't enjoy it when it does happen cos you know its only going to last two minutes. Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy and I imagine you not getting into it shows.

Have you tried extended foreplay up to the point when he is not going to lose it quickly. Like a guy who has been worked on for longer prior to penetration is less likely to lose it I believe. May last less time during the sex as a result but this improves and you should be focussing on the goal of making sex feel natural for the two of ye which it doesn't seem at the moment.

OK....I wouldn't normally post on this forum, but saw your post and it hit a nerve. I am a regular boards user, but have reregistered a new name just for this, as it isn't something I want everyone to know about.

I have a similar problem, and am trying to work through it with my current GF, though with some success after I've been through counselling and also on the one a day cialis. We also have a strong emotional connection and I am able to make her multiple orgasm with my fingers (which certainly buys me some time to sort myself out!!). My big issue is that I through I love women and am incredibly attracted to them, and have plenty of opportunity, I feel very little physically when I am with them (even if I do have an erection), and have never had an orgasm strong enough to even raise my heartbeat a bit.

First of all, don't get upset about what he says about his ability to have sex with his ex. I suspect that it is not altogether true....it doesn't come and go like that for someone with his problem. I have said similar things to my current GF about my ex....I have said in the past that I worked through the problem with my ex, and we were ultimately able to have normal sex. But the reality is that I had just the same problem with her. If he admits that though, he may be scared that he will effectively be conceding to you that it has never worked right, and that that would make you leave him (as you might think (in his mind) that there is less potential for ultimately fixing the problem).

He has to go and see a therapist. he will get to talk it through, and be given exercises to do on his own. It took me ages to pluck up the courage to go, but once I did I realised it is no big deal. My therapist has seen hundreds of guys in their twenties and thirties, and is often fully booked up for days on end with young guys with the exact same issue.

Get all the tests done so he knows it isn't something physical and also try some pills (they have a bad rep due to the misuse of them, but the fact is that they were developed for a reason)

Once I started doing something about it, it felt like I was talking control. I absolutely do not yet have anywhere approaching a fully functioning sex life (which I perceive as being able to perform anywhere any time, whether that is over the kitchen table or in a field, rather than in the bedroom after a bit of preparation) and worry that one day my GF is going to say that she can't take it any more. Hopefully being open with her makes it more likely we will last, and our relationship is fantastic in every other way.

The fact is that if he is not going to do something about it and see doctors and therapists (maybe with you at some stage) then it will never change. I spent years thinking "sure...it will just get better one day", but it wont without help

Hope that helps a little.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks very much for all the replies, just to answer a few questions...

-he has been to his doctor, there's nothing physically wrong with him
-we don't use condoms, I'm on the pill
-dressing up? It doesn't address the issue, it's not lack of being turned on thats the problem. And it kind says "F*** Me" which is perhaps not the best approach to someone suffering from performance anxiety, but I understand why it was mentioned.
-yes, he can masturbate and it works. There's no pornography issues though

Thanks @woody22, the more I research this problem the more common it seems to be. Pity its not something blokes can share and talk about it which probably adds to the s*** feelings. With regard his ex, he seems to think the problem started after her (she kinda smashed his confidence a bit) which is why it seems to have flared up in this relationship.

We had a talk yesterday, and have made a few decisions.
-We continue with sensate focus excersies
-Sex is completely off the menu. We are just going to have lots of foreplay and oral etc to try and get the fun back into it and for both of us to stop feeling disappointed every time we have our clothes off
-He is going to therapy, not neccessarily sex therapy but a general therapist to help with self-esteem issues
-When it comes time for us to start trying again, we may try Prelox, failing that maybe Viagra

I guess we're trying to attack it from all angles. Any other help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially from men who've been there. Thanks everyone.

AppleCup1

AppleCup1 wrote: »

Thanks @woody22, the more I research this problem the more common it seems to be. Pity its not something blokes can share and talk about it which probably adds to the s*** feelings. With regard his ex, he seems to think the problem started after her (she kinda smashed his confidence a bit) which is why it seems to have flared up in this relationship.

I said the same thing to my current GF about my ex smashing my confidence. And though partially true, it wasn't the whole story. I find it very unlikely that he went from hero to zero just on the basis of his ex. My point is that don't let his supposed normal(ish) sex with his ex upset you....he may well just be saying that to try to keep your hopes up (ie. he has done it before, so he'll be able to do it again....)

I'd strongly suggest a sex therapist though, as they will give exercises to do while he is masturbating, for example to help sustain it and definitely suggest approriate things for the bedroom. A sex ban for a short while will definitely take the pressure off though....

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