Destination wedding problem

LegacyUser

Last year two of my good friends got engaged. I was asked to be in the bridal party (bridesmaid) and the wedding was to be in Galway. This was all great and I was delighted to be part of the wedding day. However, last month the couple decided not to have the wedding in Galway and have opted for a destination wedding in France. When they suggested this, I was supportive and said if there was anything I could do, I would be more than willing to help with.

I was told of the actual wedding date last week: this October, 2012. Priced flights and they're in the region of €190 and the family and extended family are staying in a country house which is €90 per night. There are no B&B's or hostels nearby.

I'm at my wits end with it all. I'm currently doing further education and live off educational grants which I receive quarterly. I'm contractually obliged not to undertake any other employment while receiving these grants. The bride, who I would have considered one of my best friends, has not once asked me if I could afford this wedding - rather just assumed everything and gone about her business regardless.

I want to be a good friend, but I'm getting increasingly upset and frankly annoyed that no-one even said something like "now our plans have changed - are you still ok to be part of our day?" Going to this wedding means I'll be living on the breadline from July to December because it's not just the destination wedding, it's the hen night and then the after party (which they're having in Galway!) a week after the wedding. I don't want to be selfish here, and if the wedding was October 2013, I would be so happy to go and buy rounds of drink and a nice present. But I just feel completely impotent here, and ashamed that I can't afford this.

My friend has completely changed in the past few months: every conversation is about the wedding. I asked her over to my town for DVD's one weekend and she said that it was "too far to travel" for just DVD's. But then when a wedding fayre came to the town hall, she came up and stayed with me no problem for that. We used to be so close, but I feel like I can't even talk to her about my worries. I tried to tell her about two weeks ago, that I was worried about not being able to afford the wedding, but I couldn't do it. Her temper is quite fiery. I feel doubly bad that I'll be letting her down as bridesmaid.

It's really a mixture of emotions: my growing anger/resentment at feeling forced into going to this wedding and embarrassed I can't plus my huge fear of disappointing my friend. If I just had more time to save, I would so happily go!

So - am I being unreasonable here? And how can I broach this subject with her? As I said, we live in two different towns and I'm afraid to go to her town to tell her in case she shouts at me. Though I don't know if over the phone is the best way. Either way, it just would wreck me financially to go to the hen - wedding - afterparty. I could be a good friend who contributes to the hen, buys a good gift at the afterparty and not attend the wedding. Frankly, this is the solution I would much prefer. I just feel I'm going to be dragged to France because I'm too scared/embarrassed to speak up.

analucija

How can she be such a great friend if you are so afraid to speak to her. If you can't afford it you can't afford it. People have to be more understanding when they are doing wedding abroad that not everybody will be able to make it. Stop resenting your friend and tell her the truth, if she is true friend she'll understand.

Daisy M

Can you afford to go to any part of the wedding celebrations? Sit down and work out what you can afford to attend if you make it to the wedding you are doing very well and you should not be worried about the after party or hen. If you can not make the wedding then you need to tell her and not put yourself under so much pressure.

I too cant understand why you feel afraid to tell he,r its one thing not to want to let her down its another thing to be worried about her firey temper.

pickarooney

In general, we aren't afraid of our friends.

Defiler Of The Coffin

You're not being unreasonable here. If they really are friends of yours then they will understand your situation. I'm sure they would hate to think their wedding would inflict financial hardship on you. There's no easy way to broach the subject so just pick up the phone and say what you need to say to your friend.

You need to be assertive here. Most people do what suits them, why not you?

LegacyUser

OP my cousin got married a few months back overseas and he was very aware how expensive the trip would be to alot of family and friends and totally understood when people said they couldn't afford the trip. He had a party for everyone in our home town a few weeks later to make up. If this girl is really your friend then you should be able to just say with the change in location you can't afford the wedding but will be there for the Galway afterparty. I think they'll be finding alot of people won't be able to go. Frankly if your worried about speaking to her I would be questioning how close a friend she really is. Whatever you do OP don't go putting yourself into debt for another persons wedding.

looksee

Talk - or write - to her on the lines of, look I have had a serious look at my finances since you decided to move the wedding to France, and I just can't afford to do it. I'm really sorry, I would love to have been there, but it's just not possible. And refuse to budge. If she rants and shouts she is being childish, wait until she has finished then just say patiently, I'm sorry that's how you feel, but I can't do it. I hope you have a lovely day.

As the others have said, if you are afraid of speaking to her, then she is not a friend, write to her and then let the friendship drop.

QuiteInterestin

Is the entire wedding taking place in France? The reason I'm asking this is that AFAIK it's quite difficult to get married in France unless you live there or own property there as you have to be resident in the town you wish to get married in for 40 days prior to the civil ceremony. It may be that they're doing the legal ceremony in Ireland, and having a blessing in France. If that was the case, could you explain to them how you couldn't attend the French ceremony due to finances, but could possibly attend the Irish one instead (though they may not want anyone to do this, as others may feel offended that they weren't given the option). Obviously, this is just pure speculation on my part, maybe your friend is French, or you just choose France as an example as you didn't want to make your post too specific, but it might be an option!

LizT

Just be honest and upfront with her. Tell her that you would love nothing more than to be at her big day but unfortunately finances don't allow it.

You've really answered your own question, you feel you are being "dragged" to France. You shouldn't feel like that and it will probably show on the day.

Tell her that you would love to celebrate her marriage with her at the party in Galway. She might be slightly peed off but if she is a true friend she'll come round.

It sounds like in the past few months it has been all take and no give on her part and that is not a healthy relationship.

Neyite

You have to be resident in France for a certain amount of time so double check that. If they are having a wedding in Ireland, but a non-legal ceremony in France, then you are still attending their wedding.

By the way, the fact that you are afraid to go to her town to tell her because "she will shout at you" speaks volumes for how she treats people. You should not have to put up with verbal abuse from anyone, least of all your friend.

So, call her and explain that you wont make it to France, that your work commitments and finances dont permit it. Be nice, but firm, and if she starts kicking off, walk away and tell her you will discuss it with her when she is calm and civil.

ibarelycare

As a bridesmaid I think the bride and groom should be paying for your flights and accommodation for the wedding. They asked you to be in the bridal party, so they should look after you in that regard.

I can understand you not wanting to say that to your friend though, but at the very least you should be able to tell her that you're not sure if you can afford it. You shouldn't be afraid of her. If she actually gets angry at you for something like that then she's certainly not a good friend.

Cunning Stunt

OP if you are considering telling her you can't attend, then you should do it asap. October is not very far away and you don't want to have people moaning that you pulled out of the wedding plans at short notice.

Beruthiel

cavan-girl wrote: »

But I just feel completely impotent here, and ashamed that I can't afford this.

I have no clue why you would be ashamed just because you cannot afford something.
Firstly, relax OP. No REAL friend would have any problem whatsoever understanding that a guest cannot come to their wedding if they hold it in another country. They would understand that not everyone can afford the extra expenses.
Tell her that you are very sorry to miss her day but cannot go due to lack of funds.
Wish her all the best.

If she does not accept that, then you are not friends.

tbh

my best friend got married in Italy and offered to pay for the accommodation for everyone in the wedding party (best men, bridesmaids etc). Not sure if everyone does that, but I have heard of it a few times.

In your case OP, I'd have no problem at all just telling your friend that you can't afford to go. Don't apologise and don't be embarrassed. Just tell her - just don't leave it too long.

leeroybrown

cavan-girl wrote: »

However, last month the couple decided not to have the wedding in Galway and have opted for a destination wedding in France. When they suggested this, I was supportive and said if there was anything I could do, I would be more than willing to help with.

Here's your problem. It sounds like when the opportunity arose to say that funds were seriously tight you were too afraid to speak up and now feel like you've left it too late. Talk to her sooner rather than later if you think you won't be able to afford it.