Boyfriend, lies and cheating

LegacyUser

Hi all, have quite the dilemma on my hands and would really appreciate any advice:-)

Been going out with my bf for almost a year and am madly in love with him. I though he was perfect in every way and felt so lucky until recently i found out some stuff about him. Early on in our relationship the subject of cheating came up( when drunk) and he told me that he had cheated on all of his ex's, which obviously worried me but he told me he never loved them like me, never slept around, only kissed other girls a few times and regretted it.

I accepted this because i though at least he was honest about it, and he the fact he told me about it meant i could trust him. But recently i discovered he had in fact slept with a few girls while in relationships. I confronted him about it and he admitted it, was really apologetic and said he didn't want to tell me cos he was mad about me and didn't want to scare me away. I was really upset and asked if there was anything else he lied about and he told me that he had lied when he said he hadn't been with anyone else while the whole time we were dating. Turns out he had slept with a girl in his group of friends a few months after we started dating and kissed another girl in his group of friend a month after our first date.(this bothers me too because it's a girl he slept with before and he said he kissed her but decided not to sleep with her that night even though she offered, which i find hard to believe) I don't even know why he lied about this in the first place because we didn't become exclusive until after this.

The worst thing is that one of those girls really likes him, they dated for a while and she is always posting on his facebook and texts him now and again when she's drunk( he ignores them). This bothered me before but now that i know he slept with her while dating me it makes me feel sick thinking about it and i hate the idea of him going out with those friends now because i know she'll be there and I definitely don't want to go with him out with them anymore:-(

I don't know what to do at this stage, I still really love him and i can kind of understand why he lied, if i was in his position i wouldn't have wanted to tell me either. But i don't know if would be stupid and naive of me to forgive him and go on like nothing happened.
what would you do if in my situation?

Piliger

Hi OP.

If all of this is true, then what we are looking at here is a long established pattern of behaviour. Not just a series of actions. This guy clearly feels that relationships are not exclusive and also that it's fine to openly lie about them, not just once but repeatedly.

In my view he doesn't respect women and by lying and getting caught more than once by you, he doesn't respect you. Not only that, but he isn't even discreet or a good liar. He looks to me like he could well be a player.

You are in a difficult situation. Is this a behaviour that he can or will abandon ? and is he telling the truth when he says he loves you ? his previous form is not exactly one of truth telling.

In my experience women who date seriously flawed men always think that their man will change somehow. But they don't. The truth is, us men rarely if ever change and from what you tell us about this guy, I don't believe he will change either.

But it's up to you. How much do you want to take a chance on him ? and how long might it be before you find out it was all a lie once again. And then after that how long will it be before you find out the next time ? and the time after that ?

That is the future pattern of a guy like this in my personal opinion. Is this the life you want ?

judgefudge

I've been here before OP, almost an identical situation. I tried to make it work for a couple of months after I found out but it just wasn't worth it.

In my opinion you should get out now while you can. I realize if you love the guy that's not what you want to hear, you want to hear that it was a mistake and these things can be repaired but it sounds like he is completely selfish.

Guys like this rarely change. I don't buy the excuse that he cheated on his ex's because he never loved them that much etc. Since when is that an excuse for cheating on and hurting people? And lying to you about it? He's probably still lying.

I can tell you that if you decide to try and make it work it won't be easy. In a couple of months he will want you to forget and move on and you would have to to make it work. This is not easy! Can you live with doubting him and feeling like crap every time he's out without you, wondering what he's doing, wondering why you aren't good enough?? This was how I felt when I tried to fix it.

I'm not saying he's a terrible person, but he is clearly flawed. YOU will be the person who will suffer because of these flaws. Please don't put yourself through that. It sounds like you're relatively young (?) so don't put up with this now... there's so much more out there for you and you are good enough to find someone who will treat you better.

Believe me it wasn't easy for me to leave my ex and I was heartbroken for quite some time but looking back on it now I'm sooooo glad because I would still be feeling terrible about the whole thing if I was with him now.

In my opinion OP you should walk away, but if you choose not to - be prepared for a hard time with this guy.

Best of luck

judgefudge

P.S. It sounds like he's drip feeding you information so that you'll believe him.

e.g. He only kissed girls turns into he was sleeping around behind all his ex's backs.

This is exactly what my ex did. Gave me a bit of information so that I thought he was being honest when in reality there was much more. Just be aware that because he tells you some things doesn't mean its the whole truth.

fallen01angel

problemchildx wrote: »

• Hi OP-apologises but have zero clue how to the multi quote function so I've highlighted the parts of you post that jumped out at me.

he told me he never loved them like me, never slept around, only kissed other girls a few times and regretted it.

I'm afraid this is the stock answer for anyone that admits to past cheating,this is the EXACT speel a cheating ex gave me.

• I was really upset and asked if there was anything else he lied about and he told me that he had lied when he said he hadn't been with anyone else while the whole time we were dating. Turns out he had slept with a girl in his group of friends a few months after we started dating and kissed another girl in his group of friend a month after our first date.(this bothers me too because it's a girl he slept with before and he said he kissed her but decided not to sleep with her that night even though she offered, which i find hard to believe) I don't even know why he lied about this in the first place because we didn't become exclusive until after this.

Straight away you know that he's lied to you and that means anything else he has said, which automatically begs the question....is this really a guy you would trust on a night out with the boys??

• ( he ignores them). This bothered me before but now that i know he slept with her while dating me it makes me feel sick thinking about it and i hate the idea of him going out with those friends now because i know she'll be there and I definitely don't want to go with him out with them anymore:-(

How do you know for sure he's ignoring them,he may not reply when you're around but that does not mean he's ignoring her texts. Also I'm not sure how you could prevent him from not seeing these friends,after all they are his friends

• But i don't know if would be stupid and naive of me to forgive him and go on like nothing happened.

what would you do if in my situation?

So my advice is this OP,cut you losses and leave this relationship,he has a rich track record of cheating,he's lied to you and basically you've got to be wondering how in hell can you trust him.... fact of the matter is you can't and as most people will tell you a relationship without trust is not a relationship. I understand that you love him but do you really want to waste another year(s) of your life wondering what he's up to when you're not around.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

Hate to say it but this does not bode well. It's not that cheaters can't change, but the manner in which he's gone about it indicates to me that he probably won't.

If he felt really remorseful about the whole thing, he'd have given you the full facts- not drip fed you info as someone else said. The excuse of "I didn't love them like I love you" is designed to pander to your ego. Sorry, harsh I know. But a truly remorseful person would admit there's no excuse to justify the wrong doings they did.

As for the texts from the friend he slept with that he supposedly ignores? My thoughts would be that there's got to be a reason why she keeps texting him. Now I'm not saying that he's cheating with her, but he's got to be giving some encouragement, otherwise she probably wouldn't continue to text. And even if I'm wrong on that one, why is he just ignoring the texts? Should he not be laying it out clearly to her that he has a girlfriend and these texts are not appropriate or welcome?

FatherlyNick

OP, that is a very bad situation you are in. Cheating is absolutely unacceptable! Problem is that you still love him...

The only thing I can say is that:

He is not the one for you, UNLESS he completely and totaly gives up this habit of infedelity.

When I started going out with my girlfriend, I told her: "Dont do something, you dont want ME to do." But I know that even if she would to cheat on me, I wouldnt do that to her.

If you keep on taking this infedelity for granted, you may eventually take everything for granted, physical abuse etc, etc...

Removed (sorry about my ignorance). But believe you me, there are loyal and kind guys who DO care about the feelings of their partner. You will just have to learn how to trust them (again).

Piliger

FatherlyNick wrote: »

Unfortunately, it is a common thing with guys nowadays (especially since sex is promoted so much in the media).

I am sorry but I cannot allow this kind of gross generalisation to stand unchallenged. Consider it so.

Ickle Magoo

Piliger,

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FatherlyNick, please refrain from making generalisations likely to offend - it's known as flaming and is against site rules.

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Many thanks.

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iffy_2007

Hi OP,

Was in an extremely similar situation myself. Some people here say that he has a trend but that wasn't the case with my ex, he remained loyal but what it came down to was that i couldn't forgive him for it. We weren't exclusive at the time but it still hurt like hell, i felt disrespected, like a toy to him after i found out! i didn't trust him, i caused arguments with him when he wanted to go out with his friends, I always checked his phone. I turned into someone I wouldn't want to be with & tortured myself for far too long. I couldn't be that person in a relationship & ended it. If you can truly let it go & you can trust him then give it a go but if u can't it will only end up driving you and only you mad!

fungun

problemchildx wrote: »

he told me that he had lied when he said he hadn't been with anyone else while the whole time we were dating. Turns out he had slept with a girl in his group of friends a few months after we started dating and kissed another girl in his group of friend a month after our first date

Im not so sure Id be all that worried about his past - many people have dodgy pasts that they give up when the meet 'the one'.

However in this case I do find it odd that he slept with someone a few months after you started dating....moreso because I would expect (although maybe this is me being a bit old fashioned ) that if you had clicked that you would be monogamous at that stage....it sounds strange to me that you were 'dating' for so long and still able to see other people.....so I find it hard to believe his 'i never loved them like i love you line'.....if that was really the way he felt about you then why was he sleeping with someone else when you had been dating a few months?

Sounds like a player to me.

stargazer 68

problemchildx wrote: »

Turns out he had slept with a girl in his group of friends a few months after we started dating and kissed another girl in his group of friend a month after our first date.(this bothers me too because it's a girl he slept with before and he said he kissed her but decided not to sleep with her that night even though she offered, which i find hard to believe)

Op I would have sent him packing there and then!

I am a friend

Do you feel he cheated on you? Has he been caught out on any other lies? This is a toughie Op.

ihsb

Op. I couldn't stomach the thought myself. Especially as he was seeing you at the same time. And also the fact that he is still contact with these people even though he says he has changed he hasn't done the actions to prove it.

On another note. I would seriously advise you get yourself checked out. If he has lied about some things he could have lied about things like that. So get yourself screened to be safe.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it. You pretty much voiced all the concerns I was having that I was trying to repress and try to justify to myself why I should forgive him because I know I'll be so upset to leave him. But at the same time you're right, any time he goes out I'll be thinking it, any time he gets a text i'll be wondering who it is and who knows what else he has lied about, and I'm sick of getting the truth piece by piece.

Judgefudge, you hit the nail on the head with him drip feeding me information, who knows what else he's not telling me and I don't want to have to keep dragging the truth out of him. Fallen angel and missy moo you're right about the texts, ignoring them isn't enough he should have told her to stop, and the fact she keeps doing it means she thinks there's nothing wrong with it.

Fungun and dovies, I am so glad you said that, because although we weren't exlusive I couldn't believe he could sleep with other people while dating me, made me feel so cheap and used when I found out, but thought I was over-reacting and he still thinks that he didn't do anything wrong. What really made me realize I need to end this was when you said if it was true he loved me so much, he would have asked me to be his girlfriend sooner, and no slept around and lied, and he was clearly just saying that, so I am just the next in line to get cheated on.

Thanks again everybody, better to get this over with now than torture myself.