Is this abuse?

LegacyUser

Can someone tell me if my relationship is abusive?

My husband has a terrible temper. He has never hit me but he breaks things, so far this year we have lost toys, phones, dishes, cds, books have been torn, tables broken

But he would never hurt me or the kids I don't think. But I feel I am walking on eggshells all the time. He says I have no reason to be upset as I am not being beaten.

The Big Red Button

It's not how a normal grown adult deals with their anger.

Children learn reactions from their parents - is this how you want your children to deal with their anger, as they grow up? It doesn't sound like he's setting a good example for them, at all.

If you feel like you're walking on eggshells all of the time in your own home, then there's something not right.

Would you consider going to counselling sessions together? Maybe if he heard from someone else other than you that his behaviour isn't right or normal, he will believe it?

Did he grow up in a house where this sort of behaviour was acceptable?

And is this a recent development, or has he always acted like this?

meganj

isthisabuse wrote: »

He says I have no reason to be upset as I am not being beaten.

This to me just sends alarm bells ringing. Think about this for a second, your husband, who you love and who loves you, thinks that his behavior is ok because he doesn't hit you? That's not on. He does not get to behave like this to the point that you are afraid of him and walking on eggshells.

You do not get a medal for not hitting someone, ever. Just because he's not being physically threatening doesn't mean he is not being threatening. You have a right to feel happy, safe and loved in your own home.

At the very least consider what this might be doing to your children, is it ok to treat people like crap as long as you don't hit them? Is it ok to bully and intimidate someone as long as you don't hit them? No it's not.

Beruthiel

isthisabuse wrote: »

My husband has a terrible temper. He has never hit me

Yet.

but he breaks things, so far this year we have lost toys, phones, dishes, cds, books have been torn, tables broken

This is a man who has lost control. We all can have a temper, but when you start breaking things round the house, you've lost control.

But he would never hurt me or the kids I don't think.

I would say he already has, mentally.
You think that seeing your father behave in that manner is healthy?
What is that teaching them?
It's teaching them that it's ok to be so angry that it's quite acceptable to break things.
It's teaching them lack of self control.
It's teaching them that this is the way to deal with a problem when you are upset.
It's teaching them how to behave towards future partners/wives/husbands.

Get this sorted now.
Do not allow this kind of behaviour to be witnessed by your children for one more day.
As a parent, you are responsible for their mental well being just as much as their physical one.

Piliger

As others have said this is a man who has no emotional control and the key word someone above used is "yet"......

He needs professional help and he needs to recognise that he needs it, and that you demand it. That is how I see it.

How is this going to affect your children ? How will they develop ? How will they learn to control their temper ?

I see a dark future of out of control children, unable to control themselves and make no mistake THEY will move from breaking things to physical violence very fast, even if he hasn't.

The future of this relationship looks very very grim, unless this man seeks major help.

neuro-praxis

isthisabuse wrote: »

Can someone tell me if my relationship is abusive?

Yes, it is.

He needs help...and you need an exit strategy, just in case.

hollands

As a son of a father, who back in the day, destroyed all our few posessions when in a rage, I know how it feels. Myself and my three sisters used to cower in our bedrooms when the red mist descended. Scarred by it? Big time. Your children are the priority, protect them and do something now. I feel for you deeply but don't put up with it.
My mother did for years until he left. What a relief!!

NamelessPhil

To echo other posters, yes it is an abusive relationship. Domestic violence includes having your possessions destroyed.

This is a link to COSC, The National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual and Gender-based Violence. The site lists other resources that may be of assistance.

"f you are wondering whether you might be living in an abusive relationship we have listed some warning signs below to assist you.
Any one of the following signs is serious. You do not need to experience several, or all of them, for your relationship to be abusive.
• Your partner has been in a violent relationship before. If they have been abusive before it is likely they will be abusive again, even with a new partner.
• You are afraid of your partner.
• You are constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ because of their mood swings. You spend your time working out what kind of mood they are in and the focus is always on their needs.
• They lose their temper easily and over minor things.
• They criticise your friends or family and/or make it difficult for you to see them or talk to them on your own.
• They regularly criticise or undermine you - about the way you look, the way you dress, your abilities as a parent etc.
• Your needs are not considered important or are ignored, and they make the decisions in the relationship.
• You find it hard to get time away from them - even when you ask for it. When you spend time away from them, they want to know who you were with and where.
• They control your access to basic essentials such as the telephone, car, food or money.
• They try to control aspects of your life such as whether you work, and where; who you see and when; what you can spend; where you go and how; and what you watch or listen to on radio or television."

leeroybrown

This isn't normal behaviour for anyone. The fact that your husband thinks it's ok because he doesn't beat you makes it even worse. I know someone who works for childline. They have children ringing all the time because they're frozen with fear in their own home even though they're not being physically abused. It really isn't good.

Neyite

Op, its abuse, plain and simple. I'd be willing to bet money its not his prized possessions that he destroys in the arguments, but yours and the childrens or items of his that he cares little for.

I had an ex that used to trash the place. It was always my books that got torn, the household dishes, my picture frames, my phone that got stamped on, my clothes torn, etc. coincidentally enough his pride and joy laptop always escaped the frenzy. Funny that.

Domestic violence takes many forms. My ex never hit me either, but shouting, screaming, pushing, slaming doors, breaking things, were all plenty for the counseller in the womens refuge to convince me that it was Domestic violence and I needed to get out.

Find out where your local Womens Aid /Womens shelter is and arrange to speak to someone. Just talk thats all you need to do. You dont need to leave, you dont need to change a jot just yet, just talk to someone there. They will give you information that you can read, and will help you if you ask. They will also never judge you for staying (if thats your choice) just help you with whatever you need.

LegacyUser

thanks. I don't want to leave. I just want him to stop. When he is nice everything is great. I can't leave, I am a full time mother and have no income, no family here in the area, my kids are in school so I can't go far.

Beruthiel

isthisabuse wrote: »

thanks. I don't want to leave. I just want him to stop. When he is nice everything is great. I can't leave, I am a full time mother and have no income, no family here in the area, my kids are in school so I can't go far.

You can do anything you put your mind to. It's ALL in the mindset.
This life you have, it isn't a rehearsal. You don't get a second chance at it.

Also, you have not addressed my comments with regards to your children.
Are you not concerned for them?
Is that not motivation enough to get you to do something?

meganj

isthisabuse wrote: »

thanks. I don't want to leave. I just want him to stop. When he is nice everything is great. I can't leave, I am a full time mother and have no income, no family here in the area, my kids are in school so I can't go far.

OP I second Beruthiel that you can do anything you put your mind too.

You are a full-time Mother that means that you have given birth at least twice, (basing on the plural use of kids) and that takes immense strength and willpower, not to mention the strength to raise them.

I understand you feel alone, and that you have no support with your family not being in the area, would you consider contacting a group like Women's Aid? They have a confidential helpline, 1800 341 900, no one is going to force you to do anything, but they might provide you with some much needed support and strength.

Just remember no one has a right to threaten you or make you feel threatened. Imagine if one of your children grew up to marry someone who treated them the way your husband is treating you, I think that thought will help you find some strength.

LegacyUser

of course I care about my children and the impact on them. What kind of mother do you think I am. I have phoned womens aid and they were nice but they have no solutions for me besides leaving. I can apply for an order but they were honest that I am unlikely to get one, my word against his. The refuge closest to me is full. I would go tomorrow if I had the money but I have nothing, my family are over the border and if I go there I could be charge with kidnap!

Piliger

Hi OP.

I think what is emerging is that you have very little choice of what to do if this man will not stop. Your priority, in my own personal opinion, must be the children and each passing week is another trauma for them. You have clearly been trying to get him to stop for a long time and the reality of life is that a man like this will not stop.

I do realise the prospect of leaving, with no financial assets, is daunting. Very daunting. But there are support organisations out there all over the country and I am certain your family will help you face this awful situation.

I also have no doubt whatsoever that the court will, in fact, support you and moving to your family will not be a legal problem. You need to go in person to see some of the support organisations and sit down and thrash thing out. They will also facilitate 'proper' legal advice.