Attracting the wrong people

LegacyUser

I have just come to the conclusion after my last couple of dates /girlfriends that I'm for some strange reason attracting the wrong type of woman. Serious neediness or lack of self worth seems to manifest itself from the women very quickly into the relationship which was obviously there to start with.

Usually along the lines of telling me that I'm too good for them and why would a guy like me want to be with them. This has happened with 2 out of the last 4 women I was with and the other two had serious confidence issues.

I'm not sure what to do at this stage ???. I'd just like a normal relationship with a normal woman.

Ahava

Op, I believe that you're attracting these women because on some level it's working for you. In order to transcend this, you need to find out what you're getting out of having them in your life, work through it and decide that you no longer need these kind of interactions.

I'll give you an example. Until a while ago, I kept going for needy, possessive and arrogant men. Mind you, I knew many lovely, kind, interesting men but I'd only keep them as friends and form long term relationships with the worst muppets.

One day, someone asked me "you must be getting something out of it if you keep choosing it, what is it?" And then it hit me: by being with needy, possessive men I didn't need to wonder or worry about things like: do they like me enough? what if I end up loving them more than they love me? what if I get attached to them and then they leave me? See, because of my own insecurities I needed to be in control, and their needy remarks were a constant source of reassurance for me.

Of course your reason may be very different to mine. But whatever it is, it's clearly important to you, this is why you're so consistent.

Figuring this out is likely to be somewhat or even very painful. The good news is that once you work through the issues you'll discover, the transformation will be pretty much instantaneous. You'll no longer be attracted to needy women and you'll be all the more beautiful and valuable human being for having faced your shadow.

LegacyUser

The thing is I'm not attracted to them but seem to be attracting them !!

Ahava

Okay, let's see. So you're not attracted to these women and yet you get into relationships with them. Does it mean that you stop being attracted to them when it becomes apparent that they are needy and you end the relationships straight away? Or does it mean that you hadn't been attracted to any of the four women you mentioned, at any point, but you still had relationships with them?

LegacyUser

Ahava wrote: »

Okay, let's see. So you're not attracted to these women and yet you get into relationships with them. Does it mean that you stop being attracted to them when it becomes apparent that they are needy and you end the relationships straight away? Or does it mean that you hadn't been attracted to any of the four women you mentioned, at any point, but you still had relationships with them?

No it manifests itself when things start to get serious and then I would end it. When a woman tells you "you're too good for me" or "why are you with the likes of me" it doesn't bode well.

Squiggler

Maybe you should look at where, and under what circumstances, you are meeting these women - my guess would be pubs and clubs, though I could be wrong.

If you want to meet confident, self-assured, women then you need to go where they can be found in greater concentrations.

Getting involved in hobbies and interests is a good way to widen your field of exposure to people, and to get to know them before considering a relationship. If you like music, film and the arts then maybe start attending small gallery openings, DIY and independent gigs, photography exhibits and such like.

If you're into sports then maybe join a few clubs and meet people while you exercise.

If you feel strongly about any particular causes or charities get involved actively.

Meeting people who share interests/values with you will increase your chances of finding someone compatible.

Ahava

So what does it feel like when a woman says to you "you are too good for me?". Does it feel good on some level? Do you cringe, maybe? Do you despise her for saying it?

Think of one of the times when it happened and write down all the feeling you felt in that moment. Don't feel you have to post the feelings here. Just be honest with yourself, try not to judge yourself for having either positive or negative reactions/emotions and see if anything comes up for you.

The answer is there, it's just a matter of asking the right question and being painfully honest with yourself (pun intended).

PerrDub

It does not matter where you go to meet someone, you stay the same, that does not change.(unless you do!)
The type of women you atract says as much about you as it does them.

Maybe you are the "fixer" type personailty, you are "caring and helpful" listening to a potential partners issues and offering to help sort them out.
Which is fine, the girl will think "oh what a nice guy" so helpful, always putting me before himself..

Which leads to:

Confustimicated wrote:

Usually along the lines of telling me that I'm too good for them and why would a guy like me want to be with them

Translation: "I don't find you sexually attractive"

So take a step back and look how you approach relationships and make a change for your self.

Fentdog84

I know its not easy, but maybe you should pursue the types of women that you want rather than waiting for certain types to come to you. And if its obvious early on that you are not into the person abeit by personality or other wise just say sorry its not really working out for me or something to that effect.

hollysf

Sounds like they're trying to get rid of you...