Am i too picky or just not attracted to this girl??

vwtsi140

Hi Guys,

Would really appreciate some opinions on this matter as it has unsettled me

On a recent night out i scored with a girl in a niteclub. We got chatting, got on very well, i liked her and we ending up kissing, all of which is very good. We exchanged numbers and are planning on meeting up shortly

However, i have found myself questioning how attracted i am to this girl after seeing her photos of FB - to be honest, i think that she is an attractive girl, but in my own head i always see myself with beautiful women (not just fairly good looking - they have to be beautiful)

This is really begining to bother me, as i like this girl but yet i dont feel that major rush of excitement (like the way i have felt before when i know the girl is beautiful) - after my last long term relationship broke up, i felt that one of the reasons why it did was because, once i got with my ex (who i regarded as being very beautiful) i was as if nothing else really mattered - in terms of how well suited we were - for me i had got the good looking girl and that was all i needed - of course after nearly 5 years together the relationship ended so i began to realise that there is an awful more required to be happy in a relationship

I have not even met this new girl for a date yet and already i feel like the storm clouds are gathering in my head - as in, meet her for a date or two and see how things go, yet in my head i am likely to be picking out physical flaws in her - really want to see clearly on this issue - i do think i am attracted to this girl (as in i know when i do not find a girl attractive) but because i think she would not be seen as being very beautiful, it is creating doubts in my head -Am i not attracted to this girl or do i have some mental block going on - THANKS FOR READING - LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING YOUR REPLIES

LegacyUser

You are going to have to look beyond physical attraction, if you want a lasting relationship you are going to have to take into consideration their personality. What you are going to get is a one dimensional relationship.
Just remember to be gentle with the other persons feelings, and remember that no one, including yourself is perfect, so stop chasing it.

SunnyDub1

Give the girl a chance, it's not ALL about looks.
If you get along with the girl, enjoy her company and have a laugh, these things will over lap looks.
Not saying that its possible For you to fall For someone you dont find good looking, but IMO attraction isn't just about a persons appearance but how they are as a person, their personality, what you like about them, How they make you feel.

Think of this way - would you be more likely to get with a girl who you find really hot but you have nothing in common with? Or a girl
Who is "average" looking but you have a lot in common with and get on well with ?


Go on the date you have nothing to lose.

LegacyUser

Actually I think you shouldn't force yourself to go out with this girl who is "attractive" but not "very beautiful" in your eyes. It's not nice to go out with someone who feels you are beneth them and your attitude of this girl not being good enough will seep through and she (presumably) doesn't deserve that.

The Big Red Button

If you really think that, on the date, you'd be picking out physical flaws with her, I don't think you should bother, to be honest. It's not fair on her, and by the sounds of it you just don't fancy her enough anyways.

I find it hard to believe that you sustained a five-year relationship based solely on looks - I'm sure your ex had more going for her than that?

If you were with a girl who you considered to be beautiful, would it bother you if everyone else only thought she was average-looking? Because I get the impression that that's what concerns you - how it looks from the outside, that you managed to make a beautiful girl fall for you. Whereas it really shouldn't matter what others think.

By the sounds of it, you were attracted to her the first night you got together with her. Surely that's more important - how you felt when she was there with you - than how she looks in some Facebook photos?

kjl

Sad fact of life, Facebook photos don't really show someone likeness. While camera phones today are everywhere, you don't see too many that take a good picture.

Funny thing is I am very similar to yourself, all I care about is looks, but be careful, it might start like to haunt you. Starts off with just looks, then personality comes into play, the another thing. You can nip pick all you want but in the end perfectionism hurt you.

x Purple Pawprints x

I find it very hard to believe that you had a 5 year relationship based entirely on looks, surely your ex must have had other attractive qualities? I don't think you should go out with this girl because it's not fair on her if you're likely to be sitting there during the date finding "physical flaws" and she thinks you like her. You're chasing perfection IMO. You won't find it OP, nobody is perfect, including you. It's correct to say you have nothing to lose by going on this date but you could end up hurting this girl with your attitude.

Distorted

If you're not attracted to someone, don't date them. In fact, why did you even kiss her, if you're not attracted to her?

You sound quite immature, and as if you're hung up on your ex girlfriend. I wonder whether your percieved physical flaws in this girl are simply because she isn't a physical carbon copy of your ex?

It seems slightly odd behaviour on your part to be so judgemental on looks from photographs - some of the best looking people are not photogenic, and unless you're top male model yourself, you'll probably be single for a while if you're that fussy. I also think you're jumping the gun a bit -surely the point of dating is to find out if initial attraction develops into true attraction?

But I do still think you're hung up on your ex.

Piliger

Hi OP. Yes I agree, you are excessively 'picky' and probably haven't yet really developed an appreciation of personality as opposed to shallow surface looks. Hopefully that will come with age.

The bottom line is you should not be dating this girl because you don't actually fancy her. As you said "i dont feel that major rush of excitement".

Move on and save this girl a lot of hassle. She doesn't deserve it.

In the meantime try to look at women a little more maturely, as people and not just 'looks' ... and not just measure evenings by 'scoring'.... :rolleyes:

It won't happen over night. But in time you will change.

Best of luck.

Stavro Mueller

If this girl isn't ticking your boxes and you're talking about her like this, let her go. You can't make yourself like her.

+1 to what Piliger said. The problem with looks is that they inevitably fade. So unless you want to keep hooking up with 21 year old beauties even when you're middle aged you're going to have to do some sorting out in your head.

newuser30

Honestly I would say dont bother. I mean the poor girl, you'll be there analysing every physical feature and flaw in detail..God if she only knew.. someone scrutinising me like that is my idea of a complete nightmare. You couldn't give a hoot about her life or what she has to say it seems, so seriously give it a miss. You're obviously some sort of Adonis so you wont have any problem attracting some supermodels.

beks101

chatterpillar wrote: »

If you were with a girl who you considered to be beautiful, would it bother you if everyone else only thought she was average-looking? Because I get the impression that that's what concerns you - how it looks from the outside, that you managed to make a beautiful girl fall for you. Whereas it really shouldn't matter what others think.

This. Sounds like an insecurity thing to me to be honest. Why do you need the validation of others knowing that you can 'pull the beautiful girl' in a group of women? Why is that so important to you?

It's a recipe for disaster in the long run really, because it's not your friends who will be in the relationship, it's you and some girl who you likely don't have much in common with beyond the initial lust and rush of blood to the head. How you even managed to get passed the honeymoon stage with your ex is beyond me to be honest.

How old are you OP?

vwtsi140

Hi Becks 101 - I am 31 years of age - i take on board all the points made by posters - i totally accept that unreasonable and immature are words that can be used to describe my thoughts on this matter - it is as if this search for the "beautiful woman" is like "hard coded" into me - but of course i realise that this on its own is a dangerous (and stupid) road to be going down

A good friend of mine whom i have a lot of resepct for has told me i am looking for perfection and i wont find it - Maybe this is some kind of fear thing i need to get over in my head

I mean of course one should be attracted to the girl, but i seem to look for the pretty girl next door type and in the past once i had such on my arm i was happy - but what i was overlooking was asking myself how well suited was i to the girl emotionally, mentally and spiritually (i didnt have a realtionship just a good looking girl on my arm) - hence despite dating a lot of girls i am dissappointed with the way my love life has turned out so far - and who is responsible for that - ME

I am attracted to the girl i met at the weekend , and i would like to meet her again - i just have to take a reality check and control my thoughts because i would genuinely like to meet someone (but as one poster said, if i continue to be so fussy physically and in other areas, because i can be a perfectionist about things) then finding love is unlikely to happen for me - and i dont want that

Herrick

Hmmmm. If you have an attraction, perhaps you could go out with her but think of it as getting to know a new person, rather than a potential love interest? It might take away the element of picking flaws out and if you get on with her your attraction could grow?

As it stands, if your just gonna think I might date this girl but she has X, Y and Z missing lookswise, she (or most other great girls) won't get a fair shake and I guarantee at some stage you'll miss out on a girl you'd have ended up mad about once you got to know them.