Are you just not bothered about the opposite sex?

LegacyUser

Mid 30s male, have been in relationships etc before, would be considered “good looking” (apparently, that’s what I am told!!)

Single at the moment

Ok, so I’ve always gone through dry spells without meeting women, then I’d end up hooking up with a few in the space of a few months, then just make a decision I wanted to be on my own again.

Last long term relationship I was in ended at the start of 2008. I was given the red card. No problem there. Such is life. I went out on a few dates in 2008, but never really anything other than that. I slept with one person I think near the end of 2008. Again, no problem with that.

I went through very long periods since then until now not being with any women. I always thought that if I were to go out with someone again, it would have to be THE right one, and hopefully will be the one I settle with, so in a way, I am being VERY fussy without really being in a position to be fussy.

But, I am so used to being on my own, I enjoy my own company, and while I am attracted to women, and have turned down women here and there over the last year or so, I am just very used to my own company.

For example, in the last year I had sex a few times with the same person over the space of a month in August, then I had drunken sex early January. That was it. I realise there are people out there who have had more sex in a month than I have had in the last 2 years, and I realise I am at an age where one of the days, single women won’t look at me at all, I’ll just be an old dude in the bar. Maybe I am already lol. One thing that does freak me it is I seem to have hooked up or had the potential to hook up with women who are a lot younger than me, and that freaks me out like “it’s not right” or something. That’s off the point but it's like I am creating excuses........

I am content to say today “do you know what. I couldn’t be @rsed. I am here on my own, and can do my own thing, and don’t have to answer to anyone, and it’s great”. On the other hand, I realise I have only had sex with 2 people in the last year and a half, and that I should be out having fun and enjoying myself before it’s too late. It’s like I am denying myself, and don’t seem too bothered about it. I even tried online, and never made an effort to meet anyone, couldn’t be @rsed either.

I don’t go around thinking about women or sex every day. Sometimes I think “yeah, it would be nice to meet someone, but it’ll have to be the right one”, so I am content to do my own thing.

I am rambling, but anyone know what I mean? Do you feel the same? Are you just “not bothered”?

ihsb

I don't think you are strange. I don't think it is unhealthy.

I am younger then you, and in a relationship at the moment. But before my relationship I had not had sex for over two years. It was choice and circumstance that I didn't sleep with anyone after my ex. I am of the thought that you WILL want to make an effort IF the right woman comes along.

You are happy in yourself with your own company. I wouldn't worry about comparing numbers to other people or anything like that. Every one is different. If anything. You being comfortable in yourself will make you more attractive and more likely to choose someone that is good for you in the long run.

blacklilly

Hey Op,
I agree with the previous poster, I don't think the way you feel is strange.
In saying that though some people can become too independent if you know what I mean.
It doesn't sound as if you actually want to meet someone right now and perhaps you're just waiting for someone fantastic to come into your life.
Im in my mid twenties and sometimes I feel the way you do. Although perhaps if I was your age Id feel differently (being female).
I know plenty of men your age who are not bothered about women and wouldn't be getting much sex and chances are they and possibly you will get with a younger woman in the future.
you just seem content with the way in which your life is at present and thats great.

LegacyUser

Yup, I suppose you are right, but it's almost as if I have so much experience doing my own thing, that I have nearly programmed myself that I cannot let anyone in to disturb my "Me" time.
Almost like you have the curtains closed in the house all the time, so you are missing out on the sun wanting to shine in?
I'm not freaking out or anything, it's more of an observation about myself. My bro is pretty much the same if not worse than me. Destined to be bachelors???

Distorted

Theres nothing wrong with not wanting to have the family, wife and kids. Although perhaps leave yourself open to meeting someone who is really special to you?

As for the constant tallying up of how many women you have slept with, perhaps consider it better to be slightly choosy and get to know women as friends first. Do you have any hobbies or interests where you meet women with similar interests to yourself, beyond a desire not to be single any more (perhaps not on your part!)? If you feel obligated to take up every opportunity of sex before you get too old, I wouldn't bother too much about it. Quality and good behaviour is far better to look back on than sleazy nights with someone you're not really attracted to.

blacklilly

bother2012 wrote: »

Yup, I suppose you are right, but it's almost as if I have so much experience doing my own thing, that I have nearly programmed myself that I cannot let anyone in to disturb my "Me" time.
Almost like you have the curtains closed in the house all the time, so you are missing out on the sun wanting to shine in?
I'm not freaking out or anything, it's more of an observation about myself. My bro is pretty much the same if not worse than me. Destined to be bachelors???

Possibly but maybe you will be content with that. if the thoughts of being a bachelor scares you then obviously that suggests that you would like to meet someone.
Also perhaps in your previous relationship you felt like you lost alot of your independent and therefore dont want that to happen again.
Many people in good relationships still retain their independence to a degree and that can only be considered healthy.

LegacyUser

I must say I wasn't going around trawling places for one night stands or anything. I would have known the people in some way, we just happened to hook up.
Ironically, I play some music so would be in bars most weeks, and I find it the most antisocial thing ever. It's very very hard top actually have a chat with people, as when you are finished, they are gone home or drunk!
A few have come up to me, but I just haven't been interested.
I would be into some outdoor activities too, but most of the time, I would be surrounded by guys, or else the girls would be there with the boyfriends!!

blacklilly

Now it sounds like you would actually like to meet someone. I totally agree that pubs/clubs can be a very anti social place to try and meet someone.
There has to be some nice single girls at the activities you do , why not ask one you like would she like to go for a coffee etc. any woman would only love a sober guy to approach them in that kinda way!

ihsb

How about trying online dating or meetup groups... Even get your brother to come along with you to speed dating! Even if you don't like the women as partners then you might start getting more in the mindset that you won't be disturbed by someone else's presence in your life.

I was happy single, it wasn't until I forced myself to start dating that I realised that I missed that closeness with someone that comes from a relationship and the nerves that comes with meeting someone new. Maybe this is what you need so you don't become an eternal bachelor.

LegacyUser

I can't just can't do the speed dating or online thing. The online thing just doesn't do it. It's like I can't grasp the whole thing of communicating over email then meeting up, like it's all this pressure.

Then I decide "do you know what, I am happy on my own, not to have to bother with that".

When I see mates whose weekends are totally full up/dedicated to their partners, I just can't get my head around that, like I would want to do that. Maybe it's a case of an old dog ain't going to learn new tricks at this stage. Right now, this minute, I am content to be single,

As far as my extra curricular activities go, it's hard to ask someone out in the Atlantic Ocean!

I think I am leaving myself open to meeting someone, but if it didn't happen, and there's a good chance it won't , as I'm 35 now, would it be the worst thing in the world? I don't think it would.....

I often then think I will have to emigrate or move to meet someone, as I haven't met anyone till now where I am, and all the "good ones" are spoken for...........

ihsb

TBH it just sounds like you are content how it is. Maybe in a year, maybe in more time something will click and you will want to meet someone but it is not something you can force. Maybe you are just happy the way you are and that is more then ok.

There are plenty of good ones out there. But you have to be ready to see them, and at the moment you are not. If I were you. I would just carry on as you are and enjoy your life!

blacklilly

im sure you also speak to these people on dry land before and after the activity?
If you are content being single then there's no problem. however if you would like to meet someone you're just going to have to make an effort.
There are plenty of nice/great women out there!

LegacyUser

@blacklily,

I go to the ocean alone, and just get in the water. I find it a very solitary hobby, and that's what I enjoy about it, and don't have any other mates who do it. It's mainly guys or guys with their girlfriends anyhow, that seems to be the way it is.
I often think that it has to be someone who is into the exact same stuff as myself, that way, nobody will have to compromise anything, and we'll all be happy! lol. If it was only that simple....
I often see lads who might be 60+ and they would go for pints on their own, and you often think they did get married just out of convenience, rather than really wanting to?

blacklilly

I like solitary hobbies as well, kinda use it as my time. i don't think id be into someone who was into everything i was, you'd be less likely to have alone time and i guess i wouldn't feel challenged.
marriage for the sake of it isn't good obviously but as I said if you're happy being single then there isn't a problem but something tells me you're not and if thats the case open yourself up to meeting someone completely different or even just a little different to you

LegacyUser

I think I have this "checklist" which is unrealistic, and it is convenient for me to stick with this "checklist"........

blacklilly

Ok so what you're saying is this unrealistic check list suits you because you know its going to be near impossible to meet a woman that ticks all the boxes, meaning you remain single

mtjm

Hi OP, I could have written what you wrote, I'm 37, am single by choice, I've not had sex in 2 years, I don't feel I need to go out and find sex or for one nighters


yeah somewhere down the line I may meet someone and settle down, but at the moment I've got my own apartment doing what ever I want and when I want


enjoy life and live for the moment

LegacyUser

@blacklily, yeah I think that's it. But I think it's worth holding out and not settling. I could be martyring myself though

blacklilly

no one wants to just "settle". But sometimes it can be the person that doesnt tick any boxes on your check list that will blow you away.
def don't settle for just anyone, that won't make you or them happy