Should I bow out on my marriage?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am 30, and have been married for 2 years. My husband and I were together for 9 years before we got married.

Firstly, I would like to say what a fantastic person my husband is for 95% of the time.
He's caring, attentive, funny, and just generally great to be with.

The problem is that when he goes out drinking with his friends, he binge-drinks way too much, and always ends up in a awful state.

It started really early on in our relationship- before we ever moved in together, I noticed that he drank too heavily and usually wet the bed/got aggressive (he has never been physically agressive or abusive towards me)/cried/got really really depressed.

Over the years, he went through stages of accepting that his behaviour couldn't continue or else saying that I was making a 'mountain out of a molehill'.

After a particularly heavy session with his friends, where he went to the UK for 3 nights, he got so depressed after the drink, that he threatened to kill himself and ended up on anti-depressants for three months.

ABout 5 years ago, he got to the stage where most Mondays were spent with me not talking to him, and totally disillusioned and downhearted about our relationship, but we always sorted things out, becuase we love each other so much.

But now it's got to the stage where I resent him for the way he treats me by drinking, and coming home to our home in such a state. I usually end up cleaning his wee of the bathroom floor, just so that I can use the toilet, cleaning up the kitchen after him so that I can use it, and nursing his depression.

If he wasn't such a great person that 95% of the time, then I would have left him a long time ago.

I'm really torn. I can't bear the thoughts of losing him, yet I spend each weekend on tenterhooks as I know that the drinking will happen at some stage........
But I still have some self respect (believe it or not) and don't want to let someone disrespect me like this..............

Should I just bite the bullet and leave him?

Beruthiel

Hi OP,

Have you told him all of the above?
That his drinking is impacting on your relationship, that you're ready to give up and leave?

If you have and he has ignored you, then you need to take the next step.

If you had planned to have children with this man, while he is like this, that is not an option as he could not be trusted with them.

While you continue to clean up his mess and live with his behaviour, you are enabling him to continue.

LegacyUser

Yes, I have told him all of this. He seems like he's just given up on himself. He said he's had enough of us having the same row for 11 years.

He says that he doesn't have any perspective on things. I said that maybe we should go to counselling, and he agreed, but said that he doesn't see how a counsellor could help...

It's like he'd rather leave me than try to make it work....

To me, this is black and white- he either gives up the drinking or gives up me.....

I told him last January that he had a year to 'sort himself out' or i'll go to a solicitor to start separation proceedings.

But after nearly 6 months, he hasn't made any effort to stem this behaviour....

Beruthiel

Leave my marriage? wrote: »

Yes, I have told him all of this. He seems like he's just given up on himself.

Sometimes, alcoholics need a life changing event before they will come to the realisation that they have a problem.
I've used my uncle as an example here before.
Not until his wife of 22 years left him did he decide to give up.
The damage done to his relationship with her and their 5 children could not be undone by then.
Your husband cannot be saved by you. Only he can take that step and nothing you say to him will change that fact.

He said he's had enough of us having the same row for 11 years

Yes, because it's your fault that this row has continued for 11 years right? Nothing to do with his little drink problem....

You have given him 11 years to sort this out. It has gotten continually worse.
I'm sorry OP, but you won't be fixing your relationship anytime soon and at this stage, you must know, that after 11 years, you have done your best by him and can do no more.
It is a sad thing to watch a lovely person you care about, do this to themselves.
I wish you the best.

username123

Sorry to tell you OP but you are enabling him.

First of all, youve put up with it for 11 years, so he thinks that you will always put up with it. He thinks your threats are empty. And I dont blame him, a pattern of not talking to him on a monday and disillusionment etc - and yet still you stayed! You have established that you are open to accepting this behaviour.

When you say he would rather leave you than make it work, really whats going on is that he would rather drink than make it work.

Youre not gonna change him, he can only change himself.

Why dont you go to Alanon and get some proper support and learn about how to cope and how not to enable him?

Mr Benevolent

OP, I'm reminded of a quote by Jerome K Jerome:

"Women strangely hug the knife that stabs them."

If you don't have kids, get out now. It'll be better for you in the long run.

mood

Get out now. If he wants you more than the booze he will get professional help, which may or may not work. Just don't leave hoping this will happen as it may not. If you leave be sure you are really prepared for the marriage to be over.

Have you talked to his family and friends about this?

AnonoBoy

Even if 95% of the time he's lovely that's still 1 day in 20 that you're cleaning up puke and piss after him.

I'm surprised you've stayed with him this long to be honest. I'd leave if I was you.

fungun

Leave my marriage? wrote: »

To me, this is black and white- he either gives up the drinking or gives up me.....

I told him last January that he had a year to 'sort himself out' or i'll go to a solicitor to start separation proceedings.

But after nearly 6 months, he hasn't made any effort to stem this behaviour....

So you explained yourself and gave him an ultimatum and he hasnt changed.

He is calling your bluff, thinking you will continue to enable his behaviour, and his putting his drinking above you in your relationship. This is your life decision now; stay and be like this forever or move on.

Its your call. You know as well as everyone on here that you should move on. If you are looking for affirmation of this, I think you have it....you just have to have the strength to see it through and do it properly

Best of luck with it

P. Breathnach

OP, it looks to me as if you know what you need to do, and that you are looking for affirmation that you are right.

Yes, I think you would be right to bail out. But I also recognise that it is very difficult for you. Do bear in mind that it is not just a matter of looking after yourself, even though that is important. If you walk out, you might be doing him some good, because it might come home to him how destructive his behaviour is, and he might start to get his act together. And if he doesn't, then you know that you are better off out of the situation.

If he does start working on himself, don't rush back to him; it might be that you can get together again further down the road.

Daisy M

If your husband cant see he has a serious problem then things will never change. Does he think that ending up wetting him self and been agressive is something most people do when they have a night out with friends or can he see that this is not normal behaviour? Does his friends know about the aftermath of his nights drinking with them?

You have been with this guy since you were young and maybe you too to some degree think its normal, its seriously not normal. If this happened to me or my husband once I would be extremely worried if it happened a second time I would consider it to be a major problem.


Do you want children? If you do you cant possibly consider bringing them into a marriage like this.

Piliger

Hi OP - I hope you are meeting with other alcoholic wives and husbands in the groups set up for them. They are incredibly helpful.

To honest I feel that you have invested enough of your life in this man. You have given him every opportunity to change and get a grip on himself and he has ignored you. He has refused to get a grip on his alcoholic self and he clearly values it more than you.

Alcoholics like this need to reach bottom before they have a hope of recovery. You have to decide is this what you want to spend your whole life doing ? waiting an suffering while he reaches rock bottom ? And to my mind he isn't even close. He can and will get a lot worse.

It's hard to tell someone who loves their partner to leave them. But ultimately you have to respect yourself .... You have to respect your own life. You only get one chance. Is this how you want your life spent ?

aidan24326

If you really really don't want to lose him, give him a final ultimatum. But it needs to be a very stark, unambiguous ultimatum. The mistake you made was giving him a year to sort himself out. Too long. Too easy for him to put off worrying about it 'til next week, or next month.

Either he agrees to see a doctor this week, admit his problem and initiate professional help, or your marriage is over end of. I wouldn't be hopeful of a great outcome but you never know, and at least you'll have made one last effort. But you need to make him see that you're prepared to end the relationship NOW, THIS WEEK, unless he takes urgent action** If that doesn't make him see sense then you'll know you really are fighting a losing battle.

** even to the extent of checking himself into a psychiatric hospital for treatment

LegacyUser

Videotape him when he's next drunk, then show him the footage when he's sober.
Don't tidy up his mess, leave it for him to clean
If there's still no change in his attitude, then there's no hope of things improving

Pa Dee

Leave my marriage? wrote: »

Hi,

I am 30, and have been married for 2 years. My husband and I were together for 9 years before we got married.

Firstly, I would like to say what a fantastic person my husband is for 95% of the time.
He's caring, attentive, funny, and just generally great to be with.

The problem is that when he goes out drinking with his friends, he binge-drinks way too much, and always ends up in a awful state.

It started really early on in our relationship- before we ever moved in together, I noticed that he drank too heavily and usually wet the bed/got aggressive (he has never been physically agressive or abusive towards me)/cried/got really really depressed.

Over the years, he went through stages of accepting that his behaviour couldn't continue or else saying that I was making a 'mountain out of a molehill'.

After a particularly heavy session with his friends, where he went to the UK for 3 nights, he got so depressed after the drink, that he threatened to kill himself and ended up on anti-depressants for three months.

ABout 5 years ago, he got to the stage where most Mondays were spent with me not talking to him, and totally disillusioned and downhearted about our relationship, but we always sorted things out, becuase we love each other so much.

But now it's got to the stage where I resent him for the way he treats me by drinking, and coming home to our home in such a state. I usually end up cleaning his wee of the bathroom floor, just so that I can use the toilet, cleaning up the kitchen after him so that I can use it, and nursing his depression.

If he wasn't such a great person that 95% of the time, then I would have left him a long time ago.

I'm really torn. I can't bear the thoughts of losing him, yet I spend each weekend on tenterhooks as I know that the drinking will happen at some stage........
But I still have some self respect (believe it or not) and don't want to let someone disrespect me like this..............

Should I just bite the bullet and leave him?

Give him an ultimatum. Go to AA and stop drinking otherwise you divorce him. Drunks need clarity and stark choices

LegacyUser

kjhlhjkl wrote: »

Videotape him when he's next drunk, then show him the footage when he's sober.
Don't tidy up his mess, leave it for him to clean
If there's still no change in his attitude, then there's no hope of things improving

+1

This is actually a great idea. I watched a documentary called Through the Blue Lens* (you can see it on youtube) about the Vancouver Police in Canada. The documentary can be squeamish for many as it focuses on homeless heavy drug users in the inner city.
This method was proven more beneficial as many of the addicts who saw their irrational behaviour on film, admitted that motivated them more to seek help and stop.

No matter how many times you tell your husband about it, maybe having it filmed so he can actually watch it on one of his good days. It might be an eye opener for him. This isn't a guarantee but maybe worth a try.

LegacyUser

Like many Irish people, I'm the son of an alcoholic. Even now, 12 years after my father died I'm dealing with the things his drinking gave me. He was a fundamentally good guy but you're young enough to give yourself a better life. Get out now.

I realised in my early 20's I was a "bad" drunk and I'm purely a social drinker now. I'd say my partner of 5+ years has seen me absolutely "legless" on less than 10 times in that time. I'll have a glass of wine or a few beers but thankfully I can go months without having either.

Payton

I agree with username123, you are not going to change him, he'll have to change himself. There really is no point in giving him an ultimatum as he has been given them before and hasn't changed.
Sadly this is no longer about him, it has to be about you. You need to give yourself time away from him. If you can try and stay with family of friend's but you do need to look after yourself.
Is the marriage over? If and only if he is willing to change. Try and get contact with alonon they should be in your local phone directory, they do brilliant work.
Don't beg or plead with him to change.
Don't make excuses for him.
Don't clean up after him.
This is about you, about you getting yourself the help and support to get you through this.
Best of luck.

Fiona

Get out now, in a kinda similarish situation with hash mixed in on top of all that. Been separated 8 weeks and my life has changed so much for the better. I am loving life right now

Jealousgal

I would advise getting out whilst you still can. or even the threat of it may make your hubbie see sense and stop behaving like a 18 yr old. You are young enough to move on..life is short..don't waste it on a selfish lad who'd prefer to be boozing with his mates than with you.

LegacyUser

The man is in denial. OP can blather on until kingdom come about the drunken stupor he gets himself in.....he does not&/will not believe her account of events.
So it's pointless saying to the OP to "leave now", as her husband is- either mistakenly or purposely- oblivious to what drink does to him,& how it changes him.
As previously posted, a picture paints a thousand words. Tape him, "surprise" him with it when he's sober (have a copy made as he may delete the original after watching it). Then in the immediate aftermath, suggest AA& counselling.
If he still won't agree, OP can at least say she's tried absolutely everything to make him see the light.

LegacyUser

I would film your husband when he is drunk.
The next night he comes in drunk I would sleep in another bed in the house and leave the bathroom and kitchen mess for him to clear up.
The next day I would show him this video and tell him that you will no longer clear up his mess when he comes home in this state. Tell him that his choice now is to go to the doctor and admit he has a drink problem and get help with it. I would tell him that the choice is you or the drink.
If he continues to do this the next time he goes out drinking I would get the locks changed on the house so when he comes back in this state he can't get in. If he starts to shouting ect you can ring the guards as a night in the cell could be a wake up call for him. I would show this video to his family and tell them this is why he is not living at home. This is not a sudden problem that will go away and at the moment you are letting him off with this.
If he is unwilling to help himself you have to leave as this situation will not improve. I am sure people are asking you are you going to have children at this stage. You can't bring a baby into this situation and you have to think of your own long term future at this stage.

Herrick

kjhlhjkl wrote: »

Videotape him when he's next drunk, then show him the footage when he's sober.
Don't tidy up his mess, leave it for him to clean
If there's still no change in his attitude, then there's no hope of things improving

Great idea. I think this was what finally got David Hasselhoff to give it up after his daughter done this for him.

scholar007

Hi there,

Sorry for your trouble.

Tell us about the good times (95%) - Does hubby work? Does his drinking ever impact on his work?

How many nights a week would he drink?

What do you do when himself is on the lash with the lads?

What happens when you are home of an evening together?

Does he drink at home?

x Purple Pawprints x

I agree with the videotaping thing, it's a very good idea. Maybe he'll see what you've had to deal with for the last 11 years and he'll admit he needs help.

Quirkygirl

Hi I think your husband is an alcoholic. I can hear from reading your post that you truly love your husband. Think about yourself for a minute? Are you happy living like this? Can you keep living like this? Do you not want more for yourself? You need to make a change and do something different and then you will get a different result. You need to give him a final ultimatum. Move out, he has to go to aa. It is as simple as that. He needs to quit change face up to his behaviour. You should not be cleaning up after him, I see this as totally unacceptable, you can attend aa meetings too, I think you might find them very helpful. I wish you lots of luck. It has to end and it has to change immediately.

FatherlyNick

If you have told him that his drinking affects you, and he disregarded that, its a bad sign. Tell him that you can help him change, all you need is him to co-operate with you.

If not a single 'feather' is given by him, then put up an ultimatum, either he cuts down his drinking, or you move out.

If he shows you that he is trying to do something, help him out, by all means. Also, tell his 'friends' to stop influencing him. I mean its a marriage (your opinion is just as important as your partner's), if his friends are REALLY his friends, they wouldnt want to ruin his marriage.

if nothing works, move out, (be it your parents or where-ever). See if he calls you or is at least trying to contact you (It would show that he cares). Come back sometime later to see if things improved.

But always give him a chance if he is somehow showing that he cares and is trying.

My main concern would be his 'friends'. See if you can ask them to help your husband.

mood

OP you never said how often he gets so drunk. How often is it? Does his behaviour be as bed in public? If so he friends etc must already know he has a problem. Do you ever go out with them?

If you do video the state he comes home in it might have a better effect to show him a few day later. He might not care when hungover.

cynder

My dad was an alcoholic, when my partner moved in with me i told him that he could but under the condition that he never comes home drunk, in the last 14 + years he has come home drunk less than 10 times. If he wants to get plastered he stays at his mates house but that never happens now, it did years ago, he could stay there twice a month. He has no interest in getting drunk now or going out partying.

I couldnt live through what my mom did or wouldnt put my kids through, what i went through as a child.

My advice, is leave! walk away, and stay away. My mother would leave him only to go back to him a few days later this went on and on and on. He would change, he was sorry, he wouldnt drink and so on, but 2 weeks later things were back to square one, he never changed, well not until he was in his 50's and at that point he way dying. Mom stayed with him out of sympathy, she always forgave him and he life was S*** because of it.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck....

Piliger

Hi OP. This videoing idea is a long long long shot and my worries would be that it would trigger a reaction that might be violent.

I agree with the advice you have received to date. This is not going to get better and you really need to start planning your exit.

Best of luck