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Young and not happy

  • 05-06-2012 5:59pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, I could write a really long post on the issues im having but ill try keep it to the point. Basically I was madly in love with a girl for close to 4 years (im 22 now) and she broke up with me 3 months ago. During the period of time I was with her I went to college, but unfortunately I was too "into" her to even bother trying to make friends in college.

    I feel like I've missed out on an amazing three years, and Im seriously lacking in friends now. In total I have 8 friends altogether which is pretty pathetic. The majority of said friends are in long term relationships themselves so I don't see them that much. I usually end up seeing 2 or 3 of them at the weekend, but I don't feel happy. All we really do is sit in the house and drink.

    Granted we have a laugh sometimes but don't most people in their early 20's head out to town every week? I just want a normal life with more friends and regularly heading to town, but not one of my friends is bothered/has the money to do it. It just frustrates me because I know my ex is happy and out having a laugh meeting new people but im stuck with a small amount of friends and barely getting the chance to meet any girls. Its not easy to just make new friends either given my current situation.

    How can I make friends if im sitting in the house every weekend? And with the ex thing its got to the stage where im sitting in for hours thinking about how many lads she's had since we've broken up, whilst I've kissed a whole 2 girls. Its stupid to think that way I know, but I cant help it. sorry for waffling on a bit I said id keep it to the point.

    Any contributions/advice would be appreciated cause I feel pretty down. Cheers


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 444 ✭✭Flange/Flanders


    First off, about the number of friends you make in college, dont think that that's a reflection on your self worth. I had loads of friends from secondary school and college when i finished up, but now, 4 years on that group has disintegrated due to personal circumstances, emigration or just naturally drift. Now myself dont have that many to go out with, but thats just natural.

    On your life at the moment, could you join a club or group? If you're sporty you could join a team, there's often a decent social life with those clubs, or at least you could make a few mates to go out with. Plus it will help your fitness which will contribute to your self esteem.

    On the ex, I know its hard but try not to think of her. She may be out having a good time, she may not, either way its not your business anymore. You're only 22 and you've plenty of time to meet someone else. I GUARANTEE you that you'll meet someone who will make you forget about the ex!

    Prob try and not get too drunk at the weekend if you find yourself over thinking things, that never helps things. All the best.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    OP like above I think you are judging your self worth on how many friends you have and you really shouldn't do that, we all have acquittance's and can have lots of them but friends are normally just a few and you seem to be doing very well with 8

    As for making more again what are your interests, join a club for them and they usually have social events

    With regards to going out every weekend...tbh I did when I was younger however times where different and we all had money, now its a different story and money is tight and most people do not go out on a mad one every weekend, I think you are assuming people do just because you are not when that isnt the case

    the friends you have that are in relationships well you know yourself that some weekends are spent with the OH thats just life and if the boot where on the other foot I'm sure you would be spending it with your OH and not even considering what a single friends would be up to at the weekend, so you have to let that issue go

    try stop dwelling on what you don't have and concentrate on what you do as the grass is not always greener, also no one can change your life for you its up to you to learn from the past and improve your future, so no excuses about not joining a club or some sort get out and do it you are in control of your life


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    I agree with the above poster. You seem to view friendships as more of a commodity than anything. I find it strange that you count how many you have and decide the number is insufficient ??. Also that you didn't bother with friends as you were so focused on your girlfriend in college. Friendships are kind of organic and develop naturally when you are open to getting to know people. The fact you can switch it off and on when there is a woman on the scene is maybe something to consider about yourself.
    I don't know how you expect to meet someone when you are indoors taking mathematical inventory of how many people she has met vs how many you have.
    People are not commoditys. Look for the quality of your interactions with people rather than the quantity. Focus on enjoying peoples company (even those in relationships or are not flush with money) more than getting frustrated that they are not doing what you want to meet your tally of people to entertain you between girlfriends.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here again, didn't mean to make it sound like I value friendships as a commodity. What Im trying to get at, is that I haven't got enough friends, for times when I wanna do something other than what I do every single weekend. I only see 3 or 4 mates at most on the weekends and they never head out. I basically just wanna be out there and meeting new people aswell on some weekends. Just gets you down when you've literally no hope of doing that because you haven't got enough friends. I do enjoy the quality of the relationships I have with my friends, and we all get on very well, id have no friends at all if I just cared about an arbitrary number of mates. it just gets me down that I can't be out there meeting more people because current friends are happy in their own bubble doing the usual stuff. Most people are out here all the time socialising, meeting new people but I can't do that. And the vicious circle comes around when you sit there thinking how your ex is most likely having the opportunity to do what i want.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭edellc


    OP here again, didn't mean to make it sound like I value friendships as a commodity. What Im trying to get at, is that I haven't got enough friends, for times when I wanna do something other than what I do every single weekend. I only see 3 or 4 mates at most on the weekends and they never head out. I basically just wanna be out there and meeting new people aswell on some weekends. Just gets you down when you've literally no hope of doing that because you haven't got enough friends. I do enjoy the quality of the relationships I have with my friends, and we all get on very well, id have no friends at all if I just cared about an arbitrary number of mates. it just gets me down that I can't be out there meeting more people because current friends are happy in their own bubble doing the usual stuff. Most people are out here all the time socialising, meeting new people but I can't do that. And the vicious circle comes around when you sit there thinking how your ex is most likely having the opportunity to do what i want.


    You say you are not viewing friends as a commodity but you are, if you have read the other posts then you will be aware that nothing in life falls on your lap very few are that privledged, you have got to make it happen yourself.

    So if you want to meet new people DO IT, join a club for an interest you have or sign up to do salsa classes or try doing a fun evening course at night....friends just dont happen it takes time to develop so sign up to something and be patient, this whole now now now thing is not how life actually works, but your young you will learn just try learn quickly

    As for what your ex is up to who actually cares apart from you, who says she is out there doing what you want, you have that in your head and therefore your running your life down because you think she is living the life you want...again this is just fanciful thinking, you think everyone is living the life you want because you have the life you have which you are not happy with

    As I said before take control, only you can change your current situation and if your making excuses for why you cant change it well then stop moaning and live with it

    dont mean to sound harsh but this self pity is hard to read

    I do hope you look in the mirror and see what you need to do rather than fixating on others

    Peace and love Op x


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