Dating girl with no confidence.

LegacyUser

Interested to hear any advice on this issue. Or any lads/lasses who have been in similar situations.

Have dated this girl for roughly 2 months. We are both early 20's. She is a nice girl, good heart, but has serious confidence/self-esteem issues. It's getting to a point where you decide about pursuing things further. So other details.

- has been hurt alot in the past, guys have cheated and hurt her, walked all over her, she is quite a passive character and let it go on longer than it should have. Making excuses for people who didnt give a hoot about you really.
- She has been single for two years or so now, but wounds still deep from what I can see. She has talked about worries finding love, being happy again, would anyone ever want her.
- She HATES the way she looks. Now she is good looking girl but at the end of the day, if you hate something physically only you can change it. Me telling you that you look great doesnt really solve the issue. You have to want to do it but she doesnt really work out etc, so in my view it's pointless talking about it if you dont make effort.
- She seems bored and unhappy when we arent together, doesnt do alot of social things.

Anyone date a girl with confidence issues?
How did it develop as the months/years passed?
Was it worth the effort for you?

I'm getting the feeling that she is unhappy alot when we arent seeing eachother, like she needs the relationship to fill a hole. Not happy with her lack of social life or physical looks. I acknowledge that having these doubts so early might not bode well and I probably sound like an idiot writing it out.

My feeling is that I do like seeing this girl but wonder if she needs to be in a better place to move forward. Not sure. Last thing I want is to make a commitment and then wind up feeling like its a project.

Any thoughts are welcome. Thanks.

miec

Hi Op

I can't really give you advice but my perspective, when I read your post it was an education for me and confirmed much of what I believed, I have been and still continue (in a slightly different way) to be like your girlfriend. I have been very passive, desiring to please and rock bottom low confidence. When I was reading your post I was thinking so that is what x, y, person thought or something similar at least. I could never see years back that I was pretty or worthwhile and I have a deep vein of unhappiness due to past stuff, this may or may not be the case with your girlfriend. I guess your concern is will you end up minding her or filling in that void for her, and it is a very legitimate one, if there was some way of talking to her gently about this. Two of my exs helped me see myself better, the first said I cannot make you happy, you can make yourself happy - smart words and the second challenged my thoughts on things, thing is it did become difficult for them with my moods and stuff, yes I have been very kind, loving, faithful etc but the other side was too much for them, that may be the case for you, I really don;t know as each circumstance is unique but I thought I would share my experience with you.

Princess Peach

I used to be that girl!

I'm not a universe away from being like that now, but I am much much better. For me, the only way I turned it around was with professional help.

My advice to you is to just talk to her about it. Tell her your concerns for her, ask her if she thinks this is a big problem in her life, if maybe she would think of getting some help. If it feels right to you, tell her you will support her and help her through. Maybe her response to this chat will help ease your doubts, or confirm them.

Around the time I started my last relationship I had just started working with a new counselor who really helped me see what all my relationships had meant. I understand where you are coming from with "like she needs the relationship to fill a hole". I think my boyfriend was lucky in that I had realised a lot of these problems in myself and wanted to work on them.

If you want to go forward, talk to her. These things don't just go away.

Podgers

I was with my Ex for 9 years, and she very similar to what you described. i Learned a valuable lesson, you cant help or change anyone unless they want to change themselves, i fell into the roll of caretaker rather than caring. falsely believing that if i did everything for her and gave her everything she wanted she would be happy but the reality of is that she became dependant on me for happiness and that does not work. if she is not happy in herself nothing you can do will change that and will possibly end up bringing you down too.

My advice would be to encourage her to go to seek professional help, and advice her to make the changes in her life that she has the ability to do so. If she doesn't you have to accept her as she is or move on if it bothers you. Make sure to give yourself plenty of space outside of the relationship and enjoy your own hobbies and social circles.

Bipolar Joe

I was (am) the same way. Take from this what you will, but contrary to popular belief, sometimes being in a relationship IS the best thing for a person in that state. You learn a lot about yourself in situations like that. An analogy would be, there's a door you can't open, you gave it a couple of shots, but you don't have the key, and even if you did, the fucker is welded shut. Along comes someone else who is all "Yo, let's both try this thing right here." They pull out some lock picks and one of those flamey things to burn through the door, and the two of you go at it. Wicked awesome. Now the door is open and you couldn't have done it by yourself. Some people just need a little help and it takes time.

In saying that, I get why you'd want to drop it. I could be Hell to deal with at times. It's not easy putting up with someone like that. You really have to decide if you wanna keep on bashing at the door hoping it opens or move on and wish her well.

December2012

How do you think she will respond if you raise your concerns with her? Tread carefully because she may take it as a criticism and become more upset.

It sounds like a difficult time for both of you - do you love her?

FatherlyNick

Just show her that you are there for her. Tell her that its in the past and that you will help her start a new life. By all means talk to her and gain her respect and trust. She will see that you are not going to hurt her and it will make her transformation easier.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't say I love her, only been a couple of months and I tend not to overdo the number of meet-ups in the early days(couple of times a week at best, sometimes once). I could see myself going down that road - we haven't talked about exclusivity etc although I'm not one to date around at the same time, dont have the time these days.

Slowly but surely, her feelings are coming out though, and strange thing is it;s usually over the phone when the real serious stuff comes out(about physical appearance, life, happiness etc) rather than to my face. I think all stemming from the self-esteem issue and not wanting me in front of her whe she says it. And I can almost guess her texts these days - for example if I'm busy on a weekend and check in, I know she will say she's bored, doing nothing, wishes she was.

I just have these nagging doubts now - like she'd be better served getting other stuff in order. But as December2012 said, is it really my place to say after 2 months that she should be doing these things....unhappy with social life then get out more, not happy physically, then eat right and exercise). I dont think it is.

Princess Peach

Levine1 wrote: »

I just have these nagging doubts now - like she'd be better served getting other stuff in order. But as December2012 said, is it really my place to say after 2 months that she should be doing these things....unhappy with social life then get out more, not happy physically, then eat right and exercise). I dont think it is.

These are not the things she needs to hear. Every person knows this, but it seems she has a mental block against doing them for some reason. She needs help getting over what is troubling her so she can take steps to make her life better. Telling her these two things will be not be helpful, and might even offend and upset her, no matter who it came from and when.

Talk to her about why she is this way, and what she feels she needs to do to be happy.

December2012

I suppose you could say something, but just watch the way you word it.

So instead of saying "what you should do is x", or "why don't you Y", you could say 'that's interesting. What I would do is Z". And then its up to her to think about what she wants to do (but you haven't told her to do anything, you have said what you did, or would like to do).

Also, remember that she might be playing coy to get compliments.