one year since i spoke to my mam

edellc

so this date last year was the last day that i could have a conversation with my mam, she died on the 16th of june but between now and then i caught a cold and due to her having emphysema and being very sick in hospital i didnt want her to catch it so didnt visit again until the 15th of june when she was hours away from death

i knew this day was coming but just didnt think it would come this quickly or at all tbh, and its weird because i remember every detail about it but at the time i was unaware of how close to the end my mam was

she went into hospital quite a lot and we all just thought it was just one of those routine ones and she would get her meds sorted and be home again

although now i find it stupid that we didnt see it, she had gone in, in april and was let home in the end of may - we didnt know at the time but she was sent home to die, we found this out from her discharge papers which she hid from us, she never told us but while at home she was in such a bad way and didnt want to to die in front of us like that so she asked us to get her back into hospital which my sister did

days after my visit she texted my sister to say she had phenomia but due to her failing eye sight she didnt spell it correctly and my sister just didnt put two and two together so never realised, we all just didnt know

we where called to a family meeting on the 14th june in my mams house by her sisters and told we had to get in to see her the next day it was serious and this was our last chance, it was like some one punched me in the stomach i was completely in shock and couldnt believe it

so i was first to see her on the 15th and it was a bigger shock than the night before, at this stage she was completely blind and every breath was such a struggle, yet she was so very brave as she requested somehow that we all have a private moment in the family room and got herself into a wheelchair and down to that room where she told us that she wanted to die, it was so brave of her yet so very sad we all hugged her and she was brought back to her bed

i am glad that i got to tell her how much she meant to me and how much i loved her and how glad i was that she got to meet my little boy who was only 10mths that day, but as there was no private side room she was left in the ward with 5 other people and we all couldnt stay the night with her, my baby sister and my aunt did....i got a phone call at 16 minutes past 3 on the morning of the 16th june to say she was gone, i left in a taxi in a daze and arrived at the hospital a short time later

within hours i was sat in a funeral home arranging a funeral it was the most surreal moment of my life and even now as i look at her ashes i find it so hard to believe that she is gone, i know they say it gets easier with time however i am finding it more difficult as there is so much i want to tell her but cant

miss you so much mam xxx

CathyMoran

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time of things - I know that your mother loved you very much. I did not get much of a chance to see my mother before she died as I was carrying her first granddaughter and was very ill in the later stages of pregnancy so I saw her once in her final 2 months. Hugs.

solerina

I dont know how you feel OP because luckily my mam is still here but I do think regularly about how miserable I will be if anythingg happens to her. No one can replace your mam, it will take time OP but remember she is still with you in spirit. Take care OP...

AverageJoe82

To Op, Im going say something here and i tell you it does get easier alot easier, i was in the same boat as yours 15 years ago when i was 15 and the youngest of 6, i was the last to know about everything in my family, my mum was brought home to die and she stayed alive for 6 weeks, this year she will be dead longer than i have know her and im not 30 till d week before her anniversay, trust me it gets easier and of course u are going to miss her every day as i do with my mum, but i still pray (even doh im not religious) and chat to her evryday and visit her grave.. Hope your doing good and there always people out there that will listen, as i needed it when i was a kid and got the help i needed from my family and great friends

guitarzero

I'm really sorry to hear that, hope you are coping well and doing what you have to in order to ease through time like these. My sympathies.