Am I the only one?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I'll keep this brief. I've been seeing this girl for a few months now and everything is going perfect, she is kind, loving, great in bed, a really good listener, funny etc etc. We really get on great and she gives me everything I need and more.

The problem is, from time to time I get jealous, well I'm not even sure if jealous is the right word so let me explain what I've been doing. Occasionally (this has happened twice) I'll see on Fb that she has become friends with a guy, I go on to find out everything about this guy, who he is, checking Fb, twitter etc etc basically trying to find out who he is and what links there might be between them, how they happened to meet etc. I go crazy thinking about what could be going on, making up scenarios and really going to the darkest parts of my inner self to concoct the worst possible scenario.

This really hurts, it's like a part of me is trying to self destruct. My rational side says there's nothing to it. I have no reason to mistrust her, but still I find a part of me insisting on putting me through this pain. I have never discussed this with her.

Anyone got similar issues?

The Creep

P. Breathnach

I agree with the rest of what sunflower27 says, but not this part:

sunflower27 wrote: »

I would suggest at the very least you stop stalking her fb page.

Facebook is part of her public persona, and it would be wrong if OP felt he had to avoid it. What he needs to achieve is to be able to visit her page and not be bothered by the fact that she has male friends, and occasionally makes new ones.

OP, you clearly see that your mindgames are potentially damaging. And this sort of thing could crop up again in other circumstances. It seems likely that it is rooted in some type of insecurity. That is something you need to tackle.

You need to have a debate between your rational self and the insecure component of your psychological self. That's easy to say, but can be very difficult to do. An appropriately-skilled counsellor might help.

P. Breathnach

Creep_22 wrote: »

...Anyone got similar issues?

Just to add: I suspect that many people invent scenarios in their minds (some pleasant, some disturbing). We even have a word for it: daydreaming. Not all daydreams are pink fluffy cloud images. But most people don't take them seriously, and strange thoughts don't get in the way of life.

Sappa

Creep_22 wrote: »

Hi All,

I'll keep this brief. I've been seeing this girl for a few months now and everything is going perfect, she is kind, loving, great in bed, a really good listener, funny etc etc. We really get on great and she gives me everything I need and more.

The problem is, from time to time I get jealous, well I'm not even sure if jealous is the right word so let me explain what I've been doing. Occasionally (this has happened twice) I'll see on Fb that she has become friends with a guy, I go on to find out everything about this guy, who he is, checking Fb, twitter etc etc basically trying to find out who he is and what links there might be between them, how they happened to meet etc. I go crazy thinking about what could be going on, making up scenarios and really going to the darkest parts of my inner self to concoct the worst possible scenario.

This really hurts, it's like a part of me is trying to self destruct. My rational side says there's nothing to it. I have no reason to mistrust her, but still I find a part of me insisting on putting me through this pain. I have never discussed this with her.

Anyone got similar issues?

The Creep

My advice,don't look at facebook or any of that crap.
Keep the mystery of your relationship alive,this behaviour of checking and sneaking into her private life is none of your business and you need to cop yourself on and respect your girlfriend,she can be friendly with whom ever she chooses.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses.

Sunflower, I really appreciate the direct approach, trust me I'm not proud of this behaviour and if I could just switch it off I would. You ask if I have always been like this with partners, the answer is no, however this is not the first time it has happened. I have seen this self-destructive behaviour in the past with girls I was really interested in but not in a relationship with. Reading this back I guess I come across like some kind of stalker, that is not the case, I describe it as a self-destructive behaviour because a part of me wants to find out that something is going on behind my back and destroy what is a beautiful realtionship and probably the best thing in my life right now, it's not nice at all.

P.B - thanks for the input, it helps to label this as an insecurity, I can work on that. I really want to root this out and I'm happy to see a professional if that will help. What I'm experiencing is kind of like Spiderman's dark side 'Venom', it's like something bad takes over and tries to destroy all that is good about me, and trust me, I am a good person.

Sappa - thanks for the advice. You are right, I should stay away from Fb. Also, I would like to call out that I have huge respect for the girl, she is beautiful, talented, confident, the list is endless really. I don't see my behaviour as disrespectful in anyway, I'm not rationalising it but she knows nothing about it, has never experienced me being jealous, and I will do everything in my power to conceal this nasty trait from her.

It would be good to hear from someone else who has experienced similar emotions/ tendencies and has managed to overcome them. How can I do this?

OP

Piliger

OP - the answer to your question is no, you are not the only one.

But these habits you are developing are incredibly destructive, for YOU, never mind your GF.

If you allow these kinds of jealous feelings and the feelings that you need to control and monitor her get a hold on your personality, then your future will be a really really negative one. Because these habits will only get worse and worse and worse, and they will destroy your relationships in the future.

You may feel I am being melodramatic, but you only have to read back among threads on this form to find how this happens. And I am 50+ and have seen this happen.

We cannot expect to be the sole-life-focus for our partners, girl friends or wives. If we really love them then we must also love them to enjoy themselves interacting with their friends and yes other men too in a platonic and friendly way. If we try to limit them then we don't rally love them at all, we only want them as possessions. And that is not love at all.

I advise you to take these feelings seriously and recognise them for what they are, dangerous and poisonous habits for you. Recognise that this is a need you have developed and it needs to be challenged and got rid of. You may need to talk to someone about it professionally. Not because it is a crisis now, but to stop it becoming one.

Best of luck !

LegacyUser

Piliger - thanks for the advice. It is really sound and well thought through. I read through an older thread where a girl was describing the obsessive behaviour of her BF, really quite shocking stuff and I would hate to think that I could be capable of the same if I allowed this tendency to take over.

I am going to confront this, thanks all for your advice.

OP

Piliger

Hi OP. Nice to read your comment. Let me say something I said to another current thread OP today. And that is, that it is a REAL POSITIVE that you at least recognise this as an issue for you and realise it's importance. That will help you enormously to tackle it.

The people who often suffer the worst are those who refuse to recognise this and therefore cannot be helped until a desperate and awful crisis arrives later in life.

The very best of luck to you.