I need to control my jealousy.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I'd love your help with an issue I have and have always had for as long as I remember: my jealousy. I've been with a guy for over a year now and I love him very much. The problem is, he gets along very well with women and has quite a few female friends. There's nothing at all wrong with that but what is wrong is reaction to this.

I know it all stems from insecurities about myself and my situation right now. For a number of years I've been trying my best to figure out what I want to do and I know I'm not fulfilling my potential. His female friends would be very clever and very driven and good-looking and although I know I'm reasonably intelligent and attractive, I compare myself to these girls and I don't think I'm as good as any of them. I'm trying to better myself and I'm saving to go back to uni to do a Masters but it's taking a long time as I earn very little. I suppose I don't have a whole lot of self-belief and confidence in myself and it manifests itself in this destructive emotion that eats me up inside. It's a horrible feeling.

A lot of the time I'm rational about the whole thing and I know my feelings are ridiculous but the feeling of jealousy comes out of nowhere and I hate myself for feeling this way. Generally I keep a lid on it but it has caused arguments in the past and I've been irrational about things he's said and done and let my imagination run away with itself, reading more into a situation and filling in the blanks with my own made up rubbish. I KNOW what I feel is wrong and unfair but I can't seem to get a hold on it and change it to something less destructive.

I'm sick of being this kind of woman (I'm in my early 30s) and I want to change. Perhaps building my self-confidence up would be a start but I don't know how to go about this. I suppose I don't have enough self-worth to believe I'm worth working on.

I love this guy very much and I want this to work and I need to make some changes. I'd really like to hear from people who used to be jealous and managed to take control of it as I think it could be what tears us apart in the end. I've always been like this in relationships where I loved the guy but it needs to end.

Many thanks for your advice.

LostGirly

Hi OP I could have written this! If you don't mind I would like to hear any advice people have! I'm in the exact same situation! I love my guy and I know he loves me but every so often I freak out over the smallest of things even though I know theres no way he's doing anything wrong! I'd love some help too! I hope you the OP and the mods don't mind! If you do feel free to delete or tell me and I'll delete!

RealistSpy

Does he know you feel this way? If not you have to tell him.
Another thing is to get active,to keep busy because it takes your mind of the jealous thoughts.

The best thing is still communication between you and your man.

GL

December2012

Work on eliminating your insecurities. Speaking with a cognitive behavioural therapist might help.

P. Breathnach

RealistSpy wrote: »

Does he know you feel this way? If not you have to tell him....

Yes, but...

The "but" is important. Telling him involves him in your problem; it becomes his problem too. He should not feel that he has to change his friendship patterns because of your jealousy. What he can do is try boosting your ego a bit, but it might be difficult for him to hit the right buttons at the right time.

December2012 wrote: »

... Speaking with a cognitive behavioural therapist might help.

I agree. You need to change something, and you almost certainly need the right kind of help.

2rkehij30qtza5

Can I ask is this something you have felt with other guys you have gone out with or just this particular guy?

Starokan

December2012 wrote: »

Work on eliminating your insecurities. Speaking with a cognitive behavioural therapist might help.

This is good advice, you need to eliminate the insecurities and learn to love yourself. If you can do that you will realise and believe in your own self worth. It will take time but it will be worth it and your life will improve immeasurably.

LegacyUser

Hi guys. I´m very grateful for all your advice. Unfortunately therapy is not an option as I don´t live in Ireland and I really can´t afford it. It´s very expensive and I´m flat out broke...plus I´m trying to save for this masters. If I got a book, would that be any good do you think?

I´m busy and active and yes, it keep my mind off it to some degree but still, I get these pangs of jealousy in the moments in between. The thing is, as far as I know, I´ve never been cheated on. I don´t know why I´m this way.

Piliger

Hi OP. Let me tell you one good thing. The very fact that you are aware of this problem, and recognise it as such, will help you enormously in tackling it. So take that as something positive imho.

Go and talk to a counsellor or a GP in the university. Ask if there are any options open to you. Don't be ashamed of mentioning the problem, you have nothing to be ashamed about ... you are not a pariah or a freak

There may be services that they can offer or they may have referral systems where you might not be charged. You won't find out unless you ask

Best of luck !