Can't work out my new GF.

LegacyUser

Hi, so I'm not sure if this is venting or a question or what.

I'm seeing a girl for about 4 months now. Before I start I have to say, we are both people who enjoy our own privacy and time and I'm personally very conscious of being too "full on" with someone expecting to be with them all the time (after being creepily smothered by an ex) so it's not really a case of me being needy (I don't think).

So the thing is we don't spend a lot of time together. We went out for drinks 3 fridays ago. Since then she's called by my house two evenings. I last saw her last Monday, and she text around Thursday that she was busy again all weekend but maybe we could hang out Sunday. So I didn't hear from her since then but got a "hello" text this afternoon. I said hi and after a few texts asked if she was still on for hanging out. She said she was busy, but maybe she'd have time to swing by sometime after 8 or 9 tonight.

Same sort of situation happened last weekend.

She mostly just comes by my place for the evening, we get something for dinner and thats been it, lately.

I've only met her roommate once but no other friends, and she never wants to hang out anywhere near where she lives (we're on opposite sides of town).

I know she hangs out a lot with her roommate, her brother and a few other girlfriends but that time and hanging with me are always seperate things. Her friends were hinting at bringing me to a game a few weeks back on her facebook page, asking her to fill the spare ticket they had for a game but she never mentioned it to me, I didn't wanna be looking like I was stalking her page or anything.

Apparently we are boyfriend and girlfriend, she seems to like having a bf but for whatever reason she's not very comfortable having me around her "everyday" life.

I know she's busy, I am a lot too with work and stuff but in fairness, I'd like to be able to go out at the weekend with my GF a little more often, I don't want us to be living out of each others pockets at all but it's a bit crap "having a girlfriend" but I haven't heard from her all weekend long until today, she was too busy again to hang out today and I text her back a few hours ago and still no reply as to whether I'm supposed to be expecting her this evening or what.

All in all, she's a lovely girl but she's holding back a lot and I'm not really getting it to be honest.

Piliger

Hi OP. You're not going to 'get it' until you start taking to her. It's that simple. You've heard about people lacking communication ? ... well this is you now. Start talking to her about all of this. The sooner the better.

beks101

Have you actually sat down and had the conversation about your relationship status, or are you just assuming that she's your girlfriend because you've been dating exclusively for a few months?

It sounds like one of two scenarios. She's 'just not that into you' or she's a commitmentphobe; or maybe a combination of the two.

Of course personal space, independence and separate lives is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship, but that's not what you've described above. What you've described is a girl who calls the shots on your time together based on her own needs, her own schedule and her own feelings. You're not factored into her life at all really, are you? You're sort of an afterthought when all the other important stuff in her life is done.

I'd be fairly independent and I've dated guys where I've not seen them for weeks on end because I've been 'swamped at work' or tied up with some or other project. And this is true - I have a chaotic job and a busy life - but what it boils down to is I just wasn't making the room for them in my life because they weren't important enough to me to do so. I didn't feel it enough with them to prioritise them above work and all the rest, which resulted in a half-hearted attempt at a relationship which inevitably failed every time.

When I met my boyfriend it was different. For two reasons. 1, I was mentally drained from working myself into the ground and ready to put my social and personal life ahead of it (for the first time in my life) and 2, we just clicked. I went from the kind of person who's happy to see a guy once or twice a week, to needing to see or hear from him every day. If work runs late and I'm in the office til midnight, he'll collect me and we'll go back to his. If I'm having a busy day and my free time is lacking, we'll co-ordinate a ten minute phone call. We even train together sometimes just to be able to spend time together without missing out on our workouts.

And that's because we want to share our lives with each other, which is what being in a relationship means. It has to be mutual and it has to be an equal balance - not a one-sided thing where one person calls all the shots and the other person is left hanging.

Personally, if a guy wasn't feeling that same enthusiasm and excitement about seeing me, it'd kill my feelings for them too. Where's the fun in feeling like you're just another chore on someone's to-do list? You deserve better than that.

Talk to your girlfriend and assert yourself, tell her what being in a relationship means to you and make it clear that if she's not on the same page, then you're going to have to walk. Because frankly, just four months in and she's not bothered making the effort, what's she going to be like in four years?

LegacyUser

To be honest reading your post, she sounds exactly like an ex from last year, it was all about meeting once or twice a week, we got close over the phone and for weekend she would say she had stuff to do.

We went out for 6 months till last year, and i was the longest relationship she had in 6 years, she was 33 at the time, me 34, anyway, this girl sounds very like her, she is disqualifying herself at the moment, what i mean is in the end she will probably say you deserve more or words to that effect or that she can't give you what you want. its a clever variation of the "its not you its me" spiel....

The ex i had was a great girl and unfortunately for me, i still think of her often, but i wouldnt push this girl you're seeing, do that and its defininetly gone, you will make it easier for her...

Stay in there, do what you're doing , its a high risk strategy, but the only game you have , this girl will mess your head up otherwise, believe me i have been and still am there , best of luck

Zoolander1

Sounds to me like she's just not that into you(that old cliche).

I've been with a couple of girls in the past and acted similarly immaturely tbh, met them occasionally but never really committed to anything as I didnt see long-term potential, never let her get a good view of my life. I'd say eventually that I didn't want anything serious but the reality was that I didn't want anything serious WITH THEM, but was actually very open to a relationship with the right girl. Quite sad looking back on it but you live and learn I guess. Now if I met a girl and wasn't feeling it I'd put an end to it swiftly.

In your case, there's a number of red flags. The lack of communication for one - I mean many people are busy, not hearing anything for days and days is a bit much though, a text takes a few seconds. Other thing is that she doesn't want you meeting her friends/family.

This will sound harsh but I'd say she likes having you on the backburner but is keeping her options open for someone better(in her eyes) to come along. And if I was you I would be actively keeping my options open aswell and see if she gets in contact, makes some effort. And even if she does I'd be sceptical about things moving forward.

BarackPyjama

I'd err on the side of simplicity here - if you're not getting what you want from the relationship, or you feel it's not a relationship that's going where it needs to be, then perhaps it's time to cut your losses and walk away? Find someone else that does have the time for you and wants to spend time with you?

Ultimately, if you tolerate being a peripheral part of her life, you'll end up resenting her as well as yourself. You deserve better I think?

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
Ok, thanks for the advice. You might all be right.

This week has been like this. She called by my house last night again, brought some dinner and we just hung out as usual.
Asked in passing if she was up to much for the rest of the week and turns out she's on nights out with her friends Fri & Sat night again. So I guess that means she might call by Sunday night again.

It's an odd vibe. When we hang out or are in contact she gives off the impression she's into this alright but at the same time she has her own life going on.

I'll be honest, It'd be nice to be able to hang out at the weekend and stuff. It's perfectly normal and good to have your own life going on outside the relationship and I didn't want to be jumping to a decision and coming off really needy or anything but it's a good few weeks now since we did anything but hang around my apartment, when she had time. That's ok and all but to be honest in a relationship I'd kinda like to be able to go out my my GF a little more than we have.

LegacyUser

I don't think your gf wants a proper relationship. She expects you to be there when it she wants but any relationship is based on give and take. I watched one of my friends waste months of her life with a man who was like a your girlfriend.
I have seen a number of relationships where people were living apart due to college and jobs but these couples made an effort to spend time together and because of this they had long term relationships.
To me a relationship requires give and take. If your doing all the giving you will end this relationship. The person that you are going out with should make you happy, you should want to spend time with them and you should be there for each other in good and bad times.
You don't have to spend 24/7 together but you should be willing to make an effort to see your other half more often than it suits her this weekend.
I would tell your girlfriend how you feel and if she does not make an effort to meet you after this I would end this relationship.

FatherlyNick

Is she shy? Does she know a lot about you?

BarackPyjama

Out partying like a singleton at weekends and using you as an emotional crutch/for company during the week. It's a classic sign of someone who's on the lookout for 'something better'. That's not to offend you or anything. It's just the way it is and it's fairly common. She doesn't respect you so do yourself a favour and end it.

Fentdog84

To be honest, it sounds like it could be dying out a bit. Just say to her you think you should hang out together a bit more. See how she reacts. If she agrees, great, but you both need to be initiating meet ups etc rather than just one person texting do you want to meet up all the time. If she isnt enthusiastic about the suggestion, well it may be time to end it as its not really going anywhere. But the only way to know really is to talk to her.