LTR, do you still go out alone with your friends ? ?

Inlighten

I'm in a very LTR, we've been together since we were teenagers, now in our 30's.

We had children very early in our relanonship so never really got to do the whole Dublin night out things. Our children are at an age, or maybe it's me, that now wants to go out. I've been out four times since Christmas with friends. I work most weekends so rarely get to have nights out with them. Two of these nights I was with my partner also or met up with him later.

Anyway, a friend invited me to see a friend of hers in a band Friday night. Also it was another friend of hers bday too. I thought great, I'll tag along I've met a few of them once before. Mentioned it to my partner early on in the week, fine he says no problem. Off I went, had a ball

Got up Saturday morning, looking forward to spending a day with himself and the kids. Started telling him about my night, as you do. What I got back is the reason I'm writing this he didn't want to know about my night, wanted to know why he wasn't invited. I tried explaining that it wasn't my place to invite him as I hardly knew these people ( except my friend, we've know her years ) Last Christmas I got the same bull****e from him, so much so he went to see a therapist, anger issues there too. He goes on and on, about why we don't go clubbing together, why I don't want to go out with HIM !! I do, but I prefer to go for a meal, cinema with him or out as a large group with him. He's hard to make conversation with, we're totally different. We do get on great mostly, he's a great dad and together were good parents. I love him, but this fear he has put in me about having one night to myself is taking it toll.

Am I right in thinking this is wrong, a control thing ? Or am I wrong ?

The Big Red Button

Inlighten wrote: »

I'm in a very LTR, we've been together since we were teenagers, now in our 30's.

We had children very early in our relanonship so never really got to do the whole Dublin night out things. Our children are at an age, or maybe it's me, that now wants to go out. I've been out four times since Christmas with friends. I work most weekends so rarely get to have nights out with them. Two of these nights I was with my partner also or met up with him later.

Anyway, a friend invited me to see a friend of hers in a band Friday night. Also it was another friend of hers bday too. I thought great, I'll tag along I've met a few of them once before. Mentioned it to my partner early on in the week, fine he says no problem. Off I went, had a ball

Got up Saturday morning, looking forward to spending a day with himself and the kids. Started telling him about my night, as you do. What I got back is the reason I'm writing this he didn't want to know about my night, wanted to know why he wasn't invited. I tried explaining that it wasn't my place to invite him as I hardly knew these people ( except my friend, we've know her years ) Last Christmas I got the same bull****e from him, so much so he went to see a therapist, anger issues there too. He goes on and on, about why we don't go clubbing together, why I don't want to go out with HIM !! I do, but I prefer to go for a meal, cinema with him or out as a large group with him. He's hard to make conversation with, we're totally different. We do get on great mostly, he's a great dad and together were good parents. I love him, but this fear he has put in me about having one night to myself is taking it toll.

Am I right in thinking this is wrong, a control thing ? Or am I wrong ?

Of course you should still be able to have nights out with your friends, without him.

Obviously, seeing as you have kids, and (presumably) shared finances etc, it wouldn't really seem right for you to do it every weekend. But you should definitely be able to do it every now and then, and in my opinion, he should be happy for you, and should encourage it.

Doesn't he have any friends of his own that he goes out alone with the odd time? If not, could you encourage him to take up new activities, to meet new people?

In my opinion, for a healthy relationship, it's important to have lives and friends of your own, independent of your partner. Regardless of how long you've been together.

ZzubZzub

Hi there OP!

How did your partner react when you told him during the week? Did it seem to phase him at all? If it didn't, and why would it, I don't understand why he brought up not being invited then.

Does your partner go out much himself? Maybe he's feeling a little jealous, and handled it the wrong way. Maybe a night for yourselves, nice dinner and a few drinks, remind him that you have no issues with going out and about with him!


And to echo what the above poster said, it is important to have some independence in any relationship. You are entitled to you-time, and deserve it!!

neuro-praxis

Only you can know if it is a control thing. Whether it's controlling behaviour or not, it's certainly insecure.

Maybe he feels lonely, or perhaps he's worried that you'll meet some handsome stranger.

You can reassure him of your love and faithfulness...but if he has low self confidence, he needs to address that himself.

To answer your question: I am married several years now and we both go out without each other regularly.

Inlighten

Op here

I encouraged him to text a few friends last week when I mentioned I was going out, I thought we could all meet up later on in the night. His friends couldn't make it so their heading out this Friday night instead.

I've encouraged him to do loads of things. He's joined loads of online meet ups, taken dance lessons, guitar lessons. It just seems nothing is enough for him. He wants to be joined at the hip with me

I'm afraid to go out now because of his reaction. He seems to think he can say anything, and when I respond he just gets worse. I haven't spoken to him since unless I've had too. He drove me crazy over Christmas, hence the therapist and new activities he's taken up. It's seems it's made no difference what so ever. Nothing I do is good enough

Ive been out twice without him since Christmas. Just don't know what else I can do ? It's not like I'm out every weekend

iguana

Inlighten wrote: »

He goes on and on, about why we don't go clubbing together, why I don't want to go out with HIM !! I do, but I prefer to go for a meal, cinema with him or out as a large group with him.

Perhaps he just really wants to go dancing with you? And if so, it might seem unfair to him that you will go dancing without him but when the opportunity arises for you to go out together you just want to do something more 'staid.' Why not suggest to him that as a compromise next time you go out together he can pick the activity, so if he wants to go clubbing as a couple that's what you'll do. And if after a few times of him taking a turn to pick the activity he doesn't choose clubbing then you'll know for sure that his problem is not what he is or isn't doing with his social life, but that he has a problem with how you enjoy yours.

Inlighten

iguana wrote: »

Inlighten wrote: »

He goes on and on, about why we don't go clubbing together, why I don't want to go out with HIM !! I do, but I prefer to go for a meal, cinema with him or out as a large group with him.

Perhaps he just really wants to go dancing with you? And if so, it might seem unfair to him that you will go dancing without him but when the opportunity arises for you to go out together you just want to do something more 'staid.' Why not suggest to him that as a compromise next time you go out together he can pick the activity, so if he wants to go clubbing as a couple that's what you'll do. And if after a few times of him taking a turn to pick the activity he doesn't choose clubbing then you'll know for sure that his problem is not what he is or isn't doing with his social life, but that he has a problem with how you enjoy yours.

I don't always go clubbing ( he doesn't want to know what where I've been, he thinks I've been clubbing ), the last two times I've been out I haven't gone clubbing. We'll go to a late bar and stay there. I like if there's good music in a bar, that's all. He's just not the type of person that's high energy, I feed off high energy people. I can't sit still for five minutes, were as he's quite happy to do nothing ! Also when I'm out with my friend, they do a lot of the talking. If we're alone, it's all down to me.

Seriously, is it too much to ask to go out a few times a year with my friends ??? I'm an adult, surely at my age I don't need permission to be myself, relax with friends and not have to worry about his reaction the next day ??

Thanks for the replies

Piliger

Hi OP. I don't want to over react but this is looking quite worrying to me.

Everyone should be going out with their own friends at least once a month if not more. It's not healthy to be cooked up with the same person.

And quite separate from even that is his anger and control issues.
I've been around a long time and in my experience this kind of thing only gets worse.

I advise you to tackle it now, head on. With counselling or direct action. He must get a grip on his anger and his jealousy or your family with deteriorate quickly and steadily.

December2012

Why don't you ever go out and do what he wants to do? If he wants to go out in a group, you organise the night and then he can come. But to be honest, unless it was a hen night or a specified girls only night my husband would always be welcome with me anywhere I went out.

username123

December2012 wrote: »

Why don't you ever go out and do what he wants to do? If he wants to go out in a group, you organise the night and then he can come. But to be honest, unless it was a hen night or a specified girls only night my husband would always be welcome with me anywhere I went out.

Yes, this is what Im wondering too.

Tbh I dont go out that much, and if I do its usually dinner/theatre/night in with wine and friends, but unless it was specifically girls only my partner would always be considered welcome.

I dont understand the idea of 'Everyone should be going out with their own friends at least once a month if not more' - my own friends have constraints like families, finances, a dislike of a hangover! It might be only once or twice a year that we'd meet up. As people grow older and/or have children, the desire to go out and get drunk usually gets overtaken by the desire not to lose a day of the weekend to a hangover.

Why dont you just go out for a night clubbing with him? You are saying he is hard to make conversation with, but how much conversation do you make in a club?!?

He seems to think he can say anything, and when I respond he just gets worse. I haven't spoken to him since unless I've had too.

This is very unhealthy - the silent treatment is possibly the worst way of handling a dispute. Its massively dysfunctional. You need to be able to communicate with each other.

The way you talk about your partner makes me think you dont really like him that much, you are very critical of him. All this business of 'Ive only been out 4 time since xmas' - it seems to be all about you, how many times has he been out since xmas? Why are you even counting?

I dont really understand why it wouldnt be your place to invite your partner to something in a pub, like a band - its not like inviting to him a meal that you only received one invite to, or someones home, its a pub.

Piliger

username123 wrote: »

I dont understand the idea of 'Everyone should be going out with their own friends at least once a month if not more' - my own friends have constraints like families, finances, a dislike of a hangover! It might be only once or twice a year that we'd meet up. As people grow older and/or have children, the desire to go out and get drunk usually gets overtaken by the desire not to lose a day of the weekend to a hangover.

I really don't get the necessary connection between socialising and getting drunk ?

Socialising can be coffee evenings, visiting cousins/relatives, developing a hobby like hill walking or bridge or some other kind of club. Getting out regularly, separate from our partners, contributes to a really healthy relationship where we then enjoy the time we do have together. In the extended family and friends circles I belong to it has always been a given to do this. It is common for people to work hard at developing outside interests. It really pays off down the line.

username123

Piliger wrote: »

I really don't get the necessary connection between socialising and getting drunk ?

My response was couched in the context of the OPs issue where she speaks of going out to pubs/clubs. She specifically refers to the 'whole Dublin nights out thing' in her post.

She doesnt mention that she cant meet friends for a coffee or a walk in the park.

Inlighten

username123 wrote: »

Piliger wrote: »

I really don't get the necessary connection between socialising and getting drunk ?

My response was couched in the context of the OPs issue where she speaks of going out to pubs/clubs. She specifically refers to the 'whole Dublin nights out thing' in her post.

She doesnt mention that she cant meet friends for a coffee or a walk in the park.

Username123, your social life are mine are two totally different things. I don't see how your post is relavent to mine ? I never said I'm out to get drunk, it's actually something I avoid. My friends don't have children. I like the buzz of Dublin, that's all. Yes, I've been to a few clubs but it's rare. Again I feel like I have to explain myself, you see this is something I don't want to do. I'm an adult !

All I'm asking is, is it really that bad that I like to be out by myself a few nights a year ?? I don't want to worry about whether he's having a good time, has someone to talk too etc. I work in an area thats full of worry and understanding people needs, I also have children to worry about, is a little me time that unreasonably ? I do meet friends for coffee and walks, mostly during day. It's doesn't affect him as he's working, if it were evening time he'd still have a problem with it. I don't want to fear his reaction to me spending some time with friends. Should I really have too ?

He'll be out Friday night with his friends. I think that's great ! I'll be working, glad he's got company and having a good time. All I want is the same.

Maybe I'm just not explaining myself well( first time poster). I find it sad that someone I chose to spend my life with treats me this way. I've never given him reason not to trust me. Always filled him in on what im doing, texted on the night to say where I am. Surely thats enough ?

ElleEm

Inlighten wrote: »

Username123, your social life are mine are two totally different things. I don't see how your post is relavent to mine ? I never said I'm out to get drunk, it's actually something I avoid. My friends don't have children. I like the buzz of Dublin, that's all. Yes, I've been to a few clubs but it's rare. Again I feel like I have to explain myself, you see this is something I don't want to do. I'm an adult !

All I'm asking is, is it really that bad that I like to be out by myself a few nights a year ?? I don't want to worry about whether he's having a good time, has someone to talk too etc. I work in an area thats full of worry and understanding people needs, I also have children to worry about, is a little me time that unreasonably ? I do meet friends for coffee and walks, mostly during day. It's doesn't affect him as he's working, if it were evening time he'd still have a problem with it. I don't want to fear his reaction to me spending some time with friends. Should I really have too ?

He'll be out Friday night with his friends. I think that's great ! I'll be working, glad he's got company and having a good time. All I want is the same.

Maybe I'm just not explaining myself well( first time poster). I find it sad that someone I chose to spend my life with treats me this way. I've never given him reason not to trust me. Always filled him in on what im doing, texted on the night to say where I am. Surely thats enough ?

OP, going out without your partner is actually a very healthy way of being in a relationship, no matter how rare those nights out are.
I am very close to my partner, and we spend most of our time together, but we occasionally (maybe 3-4 times a year) take nights to go out separately with our friends.

I think that your partner has clear insecurity issues and they need to be resolved. You are an individual who is in a relationship. You don't stop being an individual, regardless of how much you love/ are connected to your partner.

username123

Inlighten wrote: »

Username123, your social life are mine are two totally different things. I don't see how your post is relavent to mine ?

Sorry I misunderstood, I read the original post as you wanted to go pubbing/clubbing/bands with your friends but your partner wanted to go with you and you didnt want him to.

I also made the now clearly incorrect assumption that there was alcohol involved because you specifically referred to 'Dublin nights out' - which in my experience means alcohol is involved.

I only spoke about my own social life (and friends having children because you said you had children) in the context that its not that unusual past 30s to not go out every weekend pubbing/clubbing.

I did not realise you could not meet people for a coffee or a walk. Thats not right, there is quite obviously something wrong in that - surely you dont need to be told that thats wrong?

You also say you are afraid to go out now. Well again, surely you dont need to be told that being afraid of your partners reaction is not right?

Why would you be afraid?

Piliger

Inlighten wrote: »

All I'm asking is, is it really that bad that I like to be out by myself a few nights a year ?? I don't want to worry about whether he's having a good time, has someone to talk too etc.

Hi again OP. The answer to that question is absolutely NOT. Being in an LTR or a marriage is not a prison sentence. Marriage and relationships are not about locking people together in some kind of bizarre bond, where they have to be handcuffed together.

In a healthy relationship, partners have their own lives as well as their joint life. This allows them to bring so much more to their relationship and makes it even better.

Your guy is clearly insecure and dependent. Sadly anger issues are something that never go away. They have to be dealt with on an ongoing basis over the long term.

I find it sad that someone I chose to spend my life with treats me this way. I've never given him reason not to trust me. Always filled him in on what im doing, texted on the night to say where I am. Surely thats enough ?

It is sad. And it needs to be discussed between you. He has to get over this control thing or it only going to get worse.

Don't feel guilty about it whatever you do.

Inlighten

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

Username123, I'm sorry I should have been clearer too.

I shouldn't have said anger issues as he's dealing with that, that was unfair of me. I was angry when I posted and didn't come across too well. I've chatted to a friend ( yes over coffee ) I feel much more relaxed and ready to tackle the subject with him. As my friend suggested, wait until he's had his night out. He'll be more approachable, and possibly more relaxed. He also won't have a leg to stand on as he's been out too.

cathy01

WHATS LTR

Piliger

Long Term Relationship