Parental Issues

NoobSaibot5

I'm 23 years old in September, a full time College Student, and as it stands I'm the only one in the house working (a part time job). I'm the youngest of 3 kids, the other two moved out years ago, and my mam and dad have a bit of a blotchy past filled with very intense arguements and seperations. Both are now in their mid 50's, my mam's out of work on sick leave at the moment, and my dad's only doing the odd nixer to keep the few bob in the pocket as he's a tradesman.

As it stands, I work hard for my own independance. I don't expect handouts nor do I ask of them, I cook my own dinners, keep myself to myself up in my own room and I very rarely integrate with the parents or spend time with them, partially because I do be wrecked after college/work and partially because they just watch TV or sit around smoking. We don't have a lot in common really. In all honesty, I'm stuck in a bit of a rut here, I have ambitions and a huge desire to move out of this house, but I don't earn enough to be able to afford paying a huge amount on rent and as it is, my college fee's set me back a huge amount. The only real advantage about living here is that it's less than ten minutes away from work and a 15minute cycle to my college.

One of the main reasons I want to move out is because I feel like I'm constantly being spoken to or addressed like I'm a child by my mother. My father is quite laid back and is happy to leave me to my own devices, but my Mother is a huge issue with me.

If I go out into town with my friends, my mam stays awake and won't sleep till I come home, then blames me the next morning for her not getting a wink of sleep. If she asks me something and I give her an answer she doesn't like, she completely undermines my input and goes ahead with what she wants anyway (today being a perfect example: she asked if I wanted a new bed, and when I said no that I was happy with my own bed, she told me I was getting a new one anyway...a 2nd hand bed she seen going at a discount and bought on impulse). Despite the fact I've been cooking my own meals for years she'll still ask if I want food, and if I politely decline, she'll completely ignore me and serve a bowl of food to me anyway. If I'm not hungry or question why she continued to try feed me, she storms off in a huff. She has no respect for my personal space and barges in when it suits her without even knocking, and she constantly wants to know where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's incredibly overbearing.

Growing up I used to be quite close to my mother, especially since we had a troublesome relationship with my father. I was always the one who stood up for her when my immediate family critiqued and attacked these flaws in her character, and when she hit her lows I was always there to try support her emotionally and financially. Of all of her kids, I've been the one who's made the most effort to spend time with her and be there for her because she wasn't happy with her life and her marriage. But in the last year, my dad's really undergone some huge changes in his life and has come out of it a much better person. His bonds with the whole family have improved dramatically.

My mam on the other hand has no desire to make any changes to her own life. She refuses to listen to people when they speak and interupts them constantly, is a bit of a drinker (but God forbid you even make a joke about it, she flips the lid), never admits when she's in the wrong, hotheaded, stubborn, and if you're ever upset or down about anything she belittles you further and starts going on about how horribly dramatic her day was in comparisson.

And that's no joke, at a time I was struggling paying off my student loans and was literally so stressed out I was falling sick, she said "oh why do I always have it so hard? Today the cat got out into the garden and my phone died while I was talking to your Aunt". She's completely detached from other people's problems, everything is always about her, and that's the way it's always been. Over the last few years I've gone from being very close to her, to being completely repelled by her. I can't stand the way she treats people and her own miserable outlook on life, it drives me insane. I don't even bother talking to her about my own personal problems, nor do I seek advice off her for anything. We've just grown continents apart.

I might sound like I'm ranting here but my head is melted. I honestly can't live with this woman, but can't afford to move out away from her either as I don't have the means to. It's not like I want to be living here, I'm a young man with the world at his feet and ambitions I want to chase, living with my parent's is the last thing I want out of my life right now. My mam's been going to Counselling the last few months but honestly it's not doing her any good, there's been no real difference in her, and as it stands I can't keep that toxic aura she has around me anymore because it's getting too much now at this point. What do I do? Ideally I'd like to just be treated and respected like an adult until I've my student fee's paid off and I can get out of here. I've heard it's not uncommon that the youngest in the family tends to get treated like this from their parents, but what advice do you have that can help change the dynamics in the home?

Big Bag of Chips

If you still live at home, then your mother never really made the transition from being the parent of a child, to being the parent of an adult.

The other 2 are gone, moved out, doing their own thing so she has accepted that they have flown the nest and become independent.

I don't know how you can go about making her see you as an adult.. maybe the only way to do it is move out. I know it seems impossible to do, but so too does continuing to live at home.

Could you get a house share somewhere? Or "rent a room", like in digs or somewhere? Would you be entitled to rent allowance?

There is always a way. Initially moving our is always difficult as you need a deposit, plus rent... But once you're out it gets easier, and you find a way to manage.

Piliger

Hi OP. I've been in your position and now I am a father to a 20yo.

When you stay at home until your mid twenties, this kind of situation is as inevitable as the sun coming up tomorrow. Parents NEVER really change. You will always be their little boy so don't expect anything different when to get to 33, or 43 or 53. That's the way of life. The only difference is that when you move out you won't hear it. And then you'll be the same with your kids :rolleyes:

Also the truth is you are probably contributing to the situation by filling your roll as the frustrated young adult. You are unable to communicate properly with them, not responding to their behaviour like an adult would, finding it difficult to communicate with them etc etc etc. so you need to make some changes too.

If you want things to change then you have to take a step up and establish your position in a way that makes an impact. You need to sit down with your Mum and talk to her like an adult. No whining and no moaning. Talk to her about where you are in life, what you want to happen in the house. Tell her that you plan to be out until the early hours on a regular basis and that you accept fully her worries as a mother, but that you really don't need to hear about it any more from now on. Tell her she has been fantastic to cook and clean and care for you all of your life but from now on you will organise your own food when it is best for you. Tell her you plan to put a lock on your door if she continues to disrespect your privacy. Remember behave like an adult here - no whining, just calm and cool conversation.

Now you may have to have this conversation with her more than once. The task for you is to stay calm and demonstrate an adult manner. This will contribute to dispelling her instinctive responses to baby you.

On the flip side you also need to accept that they live the way they chose to and have flaws just like everyone else. It's none of your business how they live and you have to start accepting them for the way they are. When you say you have been very supportive I congratulate you on that, but remember that she also invested a huge amount in bringing you kids up. This is all what families do.

Best of luck