lovely new boyfriend but miss ex - help!

starrynightsky

Sorry if this is a long one - I was with my ex for 4.5 years and we broke up nearly a year ago. Ive been with my new boyfriend for 3 months. My ex and I had loads of problems and in the end, even though I did still love him, I ended it. Our lifestyles were completely incompatible and we argued a lot. By the end of it I didn't even like who I had become and I was trying to change him. Its not like that with my new man. He is romantic and considerate, he's ambitious and well...a grown up. Its so easy to be with him and we have loads of fun. My family already really like him, everyone thinks me and him are a good match. I still see my ex sometimes because we live in a small town, but I find it very difficult. Its like I do still love him, I don't think I'd want to be with him because there's just too much baggage but I feel caring towards him - like a best friend or a little brother. I feel sad because he had wanted us to get engaged and I basically broke his heart. I still cry about it sometimes and I just feel sad, like I lost a huge part of my life. My ex and I did everything together, we thought we were soulmates but in the end I couldn't live with his habits and we were moving in different directions. It may not sound like it but I REALLY like my new boyfriend and I would never do anything to betray him or anything like that, but I almost feel like I'm betraying him by even thinking about my ex. Is this normal? I could never get back with him, not now it would be too weird, but when does this feeling wear off. Its not all the time, just sometimes like if I hear a song we used to listen to or a film we saw together comes on the TV...

ihsb

It sounds to me like you have to have some time alone. Time to grieve your past relationship so you are ready to move on.

You did start this new relationship fairly quickly (imo) after such a long and I can only assume, serious relationship.

Maybe you are still in love with your ex. That would be normal but you need to get in a place where you won't compare the ex to a current boyfriend. And where you will see your ex and feel nice towards him but not like it is "difficult".

Piliger

Hi OP. ihsb's comments are bang on.

What you are feeling is TOTALLY normal. We are not robots that can switch our emotions and affections on and off at will. We often go though our whole lives carrying huge fondness for special partners that we loved, but couldn't live with.

Time will ease the emotions and you just need to be patient with yourself and not beat yourself up. It's ok to feel how you are feeling. Don't fight it and it will get easier and easier as time goes past.

In the meantime enjoy your current bf and don't feel guilty at all. Just enjoy it all day by day.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'd echo the fact that it's normal. I still regret how things ended with my last gf but it is what it is.

What I don't agree with is being told it's too soon or that you shouldn't be dating the new guy.

In my personal experience a person needs time to get over the initial shock and sadness of a relationship ending but once you're past that it's perfectly fine to start seeing someone else. In fact I think it's a good thing.

Once you're past that initial sadness, the "empty" feeling will still remain if you mope about, or sit at home in the evening thinking about what you could be doing with your ex. I don't believe that helps anyone. You're right to get back out there.

Hopefully things continue to go well with this guy and the things you miss about your ex will gradually be replaced with the things you are doing with your new BF. If its something you want and he's a good guy then I say keep saying him, those feelings will be replaced over time but its perfectly natural to feel them sometimes.

SunnyDub1

Hi Op,


I understand how you are feeling and it is quite normal. Like yourself I came out of a 4 yr relationship last year. It was hard but we both wanted different things and knew we couldn't go on any further. My ex was a kind, loving person and part of me still misses him, I still think of him from time to time, miss our days out, miss our cuddles etc. It's normal to feel how you are feeling, he was a big part of your life for sometime and naturally you are going to miss him.

The taught of getting into another relationship anytime soon is a big turn off for me. Unlike yourself, I don't think I am emotionally ready to take on another relationship, I don't want a realtionship. I have no intension or expectations of getting back with my ex. I am enjoying "me, single" time.

I think you may have jumped back into a relationship with this new guy to soon. I don't think you are emotionally ready and it sounds like you are comparing him to your ex a lot, it shouldn't be like that.
You should have a talk with your current boyfriend and tell him how you are feeling and maybe take a break from each other or take the relationship a bit slower.

Piliger

OP, I think nine months was more than enough to recover, and the one thing that I believe you should not do on any account is to tell him anything about this situation. This is your issue and not his.
You don't seem to me to be in any kind of crisis. So just live life and accept these feelings and don't fight them. Enjoy your BF and get on with life.

Best of luck.