Marraige Mess-up

Cork-Chick

Okay so im married 2 years in dec and have a 18mnth old son. After having my son I became depressed and wouldnt get out of bed for days or look at my child. I have delt with that through medication and am now fine as far as I am concerned but my husband cant seem to let go of the hate he had for me at the time. He wont spend time even sitting in the same room as me. We are both unemployed so not too much to talk about between us, hes sick of being out of work and stressed but Im sick of apologising for the way i acted, it wasnt like i done it on purpose. So now we are at a point where he doesnt even want to look at me and be around me, and he is threatening that if we finish he will take our son as no judge would award me custody after the way i acted. I get so angry at the thought of losing my son and have to bite my tounge as he would use my temper against me also, but wouldnt anyone get angry at the thought of losing their child? I love him so much and i want our marraige to work but i feel like im holding onto something that isnt there sometimes, he says he loves me but doesnt show it. I just feel so lost and have no one to turn to, if he decides we are done and takes my son, im homeless, childless and wont have a cent to survive with.

The Lovely Muffin

What about couples counselling? It might help.

As for your husband threatening to take your son from you - as it stands fathers have little rights in this country, and most judges award custody to mothers.

However, I would start a diary/log book of everything your husband says to you because if you did split and it became nasty and you ended up having to go through the courts for access, custody etc, every bit of evidence you have can help you.

If you have problems with anger because of your temper, seeing a counsellor or looking into anger management might not be a bad idea.

Cork-Chick

The Lovely Muffin wrote: »

What about couples counselling? It might help.

As for your husband threatening to take your son from you - as it stands fathers have little rights in this country, and most judges award custody to mothers.

However, I would start a diary/log book of everything your husband says to you because if you did split and it became nasty and you ended up having to go through the courts for access, custody etc, every bit of evidence you have can help you.

If you have problems with anger because of your temper, seeing a counsellor or looking into anger management might not be a bad idea.

I wouldnt say I have an anger issue, I just find it hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, I dont lash out or and have cut my shouting way down but If someone says something I dont like, I find it hard to bite my tounge.
I am willing to do anything to keep my son, I dont think he would be open to marraige counceling, he wont even talk to me never mind a stranger. I think i'll start a diary alright, just to be safe, thanks.

The Lovely Muffin

Cork-Chick wrote: »

I wouldnt say I have an anger issue, I just find it hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes, I dont lash out or and have cut my shouting way down but If someone says something I dont like, I find it hard to bite my tounge.
I am willing to do anything to keep my son, I dont think he would be open to marraige counceling, he wont even talk to me never mind a stranger. I think i'll start a diary alright, just to be safe, thanks.

Ah OK. I wasn't suggestion you do have any anger issues, I was just advising that if you thought you did that maybe anger management or counselling might be something to look into it.

If I came across like I was implying something I apologise, it wasn't intended that way.

Would you consider going for counselling on your own, and if it was working, maybe your husband might consider going too?

Or would your GP be an option for talking to your husband? Your GP might be able to persuade your husband to attend a counsellor.

Mr Johnson

If you were diagnosed with post-natal depression, was it properly explained to your husband that this is absolutely not your fault, it's a medical condition ? I don't see how he can hate you for something which was totally out of your control.

Piliger

Both being out of work causes an enormous amount of intense stress. And as a man it is particularly hurtful and debilitating to the ego. This is not an excuse, just how it is. We don't know what happened to make him so bitter but if you two are to have even the slightest chance you need to try to get to the bottom of it through some kind of counselling. Otherwise it will just get worse and the whole thing will be irretrievable.

As to custody the other posters are right, your illness will never be held against you and he is talking nonsense.

LegacyUser

Why is it that the male is always painted as being bad?

It's quite understandable why he feels like he does and it sounds like he has enormous pressure and stress on him and feels like he had to take on everything himself. It sounds like he's gone through a lot too and probably feels like he has no support but is just getting his head down and getting on with it.
How many times do we hear stories of guys who don't do ANY of the things the OP said he does all by himself here!

Maybe he is over-reacting with his comments but since it sounds like he has practically done all the raising and clearly loves his child a lot, it's very unfair for folks to paint him as the bad guy here and can totally understand why he is so proctective on his child.

Fair enough, for the sake of the child at least, he probably needs to start letting up and see if things can be worked out but before this thread goes down that route I just wanted to say that.

OP, best of luck, there's some good advice above, it probably comes down to talking or maybe councelling, trying to get across what happened and how committed you are to your child. Also, actions also speak louder than words so he probably needs to SEE how committed you are to putting all this right.

Hope it all works out.

iguana

beentherebefore wrote: »

Why is it that the male is always painted as being bad?

Because it sounds like he is behaving unforgivably. The OP had post-natal depression. It's an illness, and as tough as that period undoubtedly was for him, what he went through would not have compared to how awful a time it would have been for the OP. For her to have to come through that time without the support of her husband is amazing and for him to hold it against her is reprehensible.

OP, I honestly think you and he both need to attend a marriage mediation service as soon as possible. Things can't go on as they are and either he needs to change his behaviour or the marriage will not survive. First off you need to stop letting him hold you hostage. If you do split up you are extremely unlikely to lose custody of your son based on having had PND. In fact the system in this country is very, very much loaded against fathers so your position is much stronger than his. It might be an idea for you to get some free legal advice on what would happen if you did split up, that way you would have more confidence when you talk to him and tell him that one way or the other this situation must change.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

Because it sounds like he is behaving unforgivably. The OP had post-natal depression. It's an illness, and as tough as that period undoubtedly was for him, what he went through would not have compared to how awful a time it would have been for the OP. For her to have to come through that time without the support of her husband is amazing and for him to hold it against her is reprehensible.

I'm sorry, I strongly disagree with this. It is not unforgivable and is no worse than what happened with the OP.
It sounds like the baby was born and was just dumped on the father, he has loved, cared for and taken care of his child without question and without help. He is out of work and I'm sure busy and stressed enough with that problem of providing for his family without also having to act as a sole parent by the sounds of it. I think his actions were very admirable, how many times do we hear of deadbeat fathers on here?

It sounds like he was going through an EXTREMELY tough time himself but chose to get on with it. While I can sympathize with the OP, many people have suffered with the same and it's no excuse for not caring for your child. We all have problems but you have to suck it up sometimes and do the things you HAVE to do. He did, she didn't, so I can fully understand why he is a bit pissed off.

Admittedly as I said, for the childs sake he needs to work with the mother if she is now in a position.

My post wasn't about who's right and who's wrong but 3 replies in, the thread had already turned to slating the father which in this case is not warranted in the slightest, as far as the disagreements go, sounds like there is a pair of them here but the most important thing here is the child and while the OP didn't deal with it, the father in this case sounds like he was a model father. That's all I'm saying so please people, lay off the guy. Sounds like he did a lot more than he's getting credit for.

Again, as I said, I think actions speak louder than words here, what has the OP actually done to SHOW him she is willing and capable of being a mother to this child? If I was him, until I saw that, I would still have serious worries about this. They do need to talk but I don't think talking solves much here, its what OP does to show she will be the mother she should be from here on out and I think the father will begin to soften up.

pwurple

Unreg poster... You may not have met anyone with pnd. Bonding problems are a very normal symptom of it. I'm afraid it is actually a very valid excuse for 'not caring'.

iguana

beentherebefore wrote: »

It sounds like he was going through an EXTREMELY tough time himself but chose to get on with it. While I can sympathize with the OP, many people have suffered with the same and it's no excuse for not caring for your child. We all have problems but you have to suck it up sometimes and do the things you HAVE to do. He did, she didn't, so I can fully understand why he is a bit pissed off.

She had an illness, he didn't. When it comes to clinical depression you can no more just suck it up than a paraplegic can go for a jog. The way he is behaving is no different than if the OP had suffered a spinal cord injury and her husband was in a sulk about having to to look after the baby and house while she was immobile and while she recovered. The way he is behaving is so completely disgusting I'm staggered by it.

Yes it would have been a horrible time for him, completely and totally. My husband had liver and kidney failure a few years ago and it was an awful, awful time for me. I had recently lost a baby and one of our dogs had a leg amputated 2 weeks before and needed a lot of care. But I don't hold it against my husband because I'm not a selfish ass and I have empathy and awareness enough to know that as horrible as that was for me, the actual sick person wasn't doing it on purpose. The OP was no less ill and for her husband to punish her for an illness, to the extent of threatening to take her child from her, is pretty damn close to unforgivable, especially considering that his behaviour is something that could result in her relapsing.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

The way he is behaving is no different than if the OP had suffered a spinal cord injury and her husband was in a sulk about having to to look after the baby and house while she was immobile and while she recovered. The way he is behaving is so completely disgusting I'm staggered by it.

My wife had post natal depression (for over 3 years before she went to the doctor),and when she got diagnosed and we knew why she was acting the way she was it was a huge relief......but it took me a long time to go back to the way I was before she had PND.

I was not sulking,I really suffered for years,she has a quick temper at the best of times,but then absolutely anything could set her off,even if I was to do something exactly as I told to do it,she could,and did on many occasions completely blow a gasket,one time even punching me twice in the face in front of our daughters.......I don't know the OP's exact situation,but to say it was horrible for him may be an understatement.

If you can imagine having to worry about every single action you do and everything you say(no exaggeration) because all hell could break loose if you say or do or say something,even if it is the right thing.
So going back to normal for me certainly did not happen over night.


No offence meant OP,just my experience.

But I would certainly recommend couples counselling,we ended up going to Accord (free service if necessary)because our marriage had broken down,and it really helped us to communicate our fellings(only for a while though as we are now splitting up),but I do believe if our marriage had any hope,the counselling would have enabled us to stay together(you say you want it to work out,and he still says he loves you,so you still have a chance,we both agreed that we were too different to each other for it to work as a couple,so still friends at the moment)

Best of luck,not an easy time you are going through

Piliger

beentherebefore - a very good post offering balance to the other responses.

OP you desperately need to get yourselves into counselling imho. This is a complex and emotional situation complicated by unemployment and other challenging issues.

MissFlitworth

beentherebefore wrote: »

It sounds like he was going through an EXTREMELY tough time himself but chose to get on with it. While I can sympathize with the OP, many people have suffered with the same and it's no excuse for not caring for your child.

It is though. Common symptom/effect of pnd & not the fault of the mother at all. When chemicals take over your body like that there's very little you can do to 'suck it up'

OP it sounds like you've found the light at the end of your tunnel but your partner hasn't yet. It might be an idea to talk to a pnd support group about the effect of post natal depression on the partners of people suffering from it & see if there's a way you can help your husband & your marriage, sometimes one partner has to pick up the pieces and be strong for the other. It sounds like your husband is suffering from depression & possibly in as dark a place as you were when you couldn't get out of bed.

Just because he thinks that no judge would leave your child with you doesn't mean it's true, he's just threatening you. Sit him down and tell him that he & your child are your priority & you want to help your family stay together, but that you won't stay apologising for being mentally ill forever and you won't sit there to be ignored or abused so he needs to make the choice to put your post natal depression behind you as a couple so that you can be a family together. You'll help him as much as you can, but you won't wait for him forever so he needs to step up now.

LegacyUser

OP, the best you can do at this point is seek counselling for yourself first. Make the necessary changes and SHOW how you have changed to your husband. I think at this point actions speak louder than words. When he sees a change in your behaviour, you can perhaps ask him to come along to one of your appointments to confront whatever issues you have with him then.

I suffered with PND and I do agree with a couple of the male posters. I can empathise what they have gone through because hearing their posts was like hearing my husband and I know he went through as much hell as I did. I do think some husbands have a lack of knowledge about PND but even if they understand it does not mean that they don't have the right to be frustrated or angry. This is why counselling is essential for both the wife and husband during this time. I know it is frustrating for husbands to witness their wives that changed drastically after the birth of a child. Mood swings, inability to cope with baby care, arguments, etc. This would be frustrating for anyone to witness.

Whenever there is a pregnancy, I personally think it isn't just about the mothers and unborn children. It is also about expectant fathers who need to be part of the process. An informational pamphlet of PND needs to be given to them so they are made aware to look for signs and learn about the complications of PND, if left untreated. Awareness and support can teach them how to cope with the situation and take responsibility and learn to sympathise with their wife. Unfortunately, there are some husbands (not all thankfully) who look at this issue as the "wife's problem" not as "his problem". Some people don't realise that PND affects the entire family; the mother, father and child or children. So the more awareness, action and support for husbands means the faster the recovery and the easier it would be for the entire family.

I remember not able to bond with my son and going through my mood swings. Not wanting to feed him or change his nappy. I didn't want to do anything and the crazy arguments I had with my husband then. I couldn't believe how my other children had to witness my atrocious behaviour. Luckily I only suffered from PND once after my third pregnancy (I have 5 children now).

However, I do count my lucky stars with my husband because he was exposed to his sister having it with her first child as he was living with her and BIL temporarily. Our BIL was not the "very understanding" kind so to speak. He was very accusative and blamed her for everything. UNTIL he had that lesson about PND from his own mother, was when he changed his negative attitude and behaviour towards his wife.

I also would like to add, if you decide to have more children OP, I strongly suggest that you seek counselling again (I did). This is for preventative measures because once you have it you are at a higher risk of developing it again in the future. It would be best to bring your husband present during these sessions so he can actually learn more about PND himself and be less inclined to judgement and more able to sympathise and not be accusative to you.