My sisters boyfriend

LegacyUser

I've been a lurker on boards for years, always respecting the advice ye give to one another and even though I have an account I'm posting today as a guest because of the sensitive nature of my problem.

My sister has been with her bf for about four or five years I think. I always thought he was a nice lad, we would hang around in a group together and even when my sister wasn't around. Things changed about a year ago. I was away travelling with college friends for most of August and September. About a week before I was due to come back my dad called to tell me that my sisters bf, lets call him Alan, was moving into our family home. Apparently he had some family difficulties and had fallen out with his own parents so asked to move in on a temporary basis, until he sorted things out. My parents agreed and, by the time I got home, his things were in my sisters room and he was officially a housemate.

Things went downhill so rapidly. At first it was nice to have antoher lad around my own age. I've never had a brother before. However, he soon started to irritate me. He pays no rent and makes no contributions towards the running of the household. I should note that he has a decent job and easily makes more more than me or my parents. My sister is in college and doesn't contribute either because she's in full time education (fair enough, I reckon). I give my parents a few bob every week, as much as I can, towards rent, food and various bills.

Alan doesn't help with any housework either. Ma does his washing, ironing and picks up after him around the house. She cooks all of his meals and buys all of the food, which he readily helps himself to. In fact, being an athletic twenty something guy, he eats more than most people in the house. He hasn't once bought his own food or even brought home something for the family.

My sister is pretty extra-curricular, she's rarely around. Apart from work and a spot of jogging, Alan is here the whole time. He lounges around, not helping my ma, watching tv, using our broadband and eating our food.

He avails of Sky Plus TV, decent broadband, free parking, electricity, food and other household expenses (bins, TV licence, etc.) and doesn't offer a penny to my parents, who are hard working and decent people. We are by no means well off, we support each other and get by. Yea we have sky and internet but I can't remember the last time ma or da had a holiday.

I feel like Alan is taking my parents for idiots. He has been here since August 2011 and every day I dislike him more. I spend an increasing amount of time in my room and in my girlfriend's house, I pretend I have to go somewhere just so I can take a drive and not be in the house with him. I'm losing my close relationship with my sister and my parents becuase I'm so angry all the time.

I've spoken to both my parents and my sister about this situation. My parents are worried that asking him to move out will create a financial burden on my sister as he may talk her into moving in with him. I know for a fact that they find him irritating and are worried about the financial cost. I've suggested asking him for rent but they are worried about upsetting him and my sister, putting them in a position which may encourage them to move somewhere else. I can understand that my parents are trying to be on everyone's side. My sister is happy enough with him living here though they have their ups and downs. She's worried that asking him to move out will disrupt their relationship. Our conversation about him was short becuase she got upset and a bit angry at me so I decided not to pursue it any further.

I feel like my whole life is falling apart, I genuinely think this situation is impacting upon my mental health and I'm feeling down and angry for long periods of time. I have great friends that I can talk to and a girlfriend who has been more than supportive but I know people don't want to listen to the same problems over and over again. My home has always been my backbone, my support. It has made me confident but now, I'm becoming introverted and rude. I'm moody and upset and I just want to be by myself, avoiding him. I don't know how this problem is every going to be solved.

I should point out that my gf has asked me to move in with her but I don't feel financially or emotionally ready. I love her to bits and I know we'll move in some day but I'm not personally ready for that yet.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I wanted to get all the details in. I hope I don't come across as a mean person. I know I might be being selfish and this chap has had difficulties with his rents but I know that these are not serious fallings out and he is in no threat in his own home. They mainly fell out because he wouldn't give money towards the running of the house. Of course he prefers our house because its free.

Please help, I've never been this depressed before.

The Lovely Muffin

If you are feeling depression and think you have depression go to your doctor ASAP. Your mental health is important.

As for Alan - frankly, he is a free loader, and nothing short of it.

He sounds very selfish, as does your sister. Her relationship is her problem and her business, she's being selfish by having him there, paying absolutely nothing towards the house or running of the house.

Your parents are being doormats. Sorry to be blunt, but they are.

It's your parents house it is up to them to speak to your sister and her boyfriend and negotiate rent, contributions etc.

Even if he only gave €20 per week, it is something. I'm aware it costs more than €20 per week for someone's up keep, but at least he'd be giving something.

Realistically there is nothing you can do yourself, you've spoken to your parents and your sister, you cannot force or ask Alan to pay/give anything and even if you did say anything, you would only be bringing trouble on yourself.

Can you even move into a house share temporarily? I know you said you aren't financially or emotionally ready to move in with your girlfriend, but what about a house share? It'd be cheaper than renting with your girlfriend (rent, bills split 2/3/4 ways instead of two ways). It's not ideal and you shouldn't have to move out because of your sisters selfish boyfriend, but unless your parents or sister are prepared to ask him for money, there's little you can do.

Can you try talking to your parents again? They are facilitating his behaviour and only they can stop it.

looksee

He moved in temporarily 'until he sorted his problems'. But the main problem was that he was not paying his way at home - how did anyone expect him to suddenly decide to start paying his way in someone else's home? Especially when you say that you are only paying 'a few bob, what you can afford'.

If you are going to live at home you should be handing over a viable rent and cost of eating and living. Your parents have reared and educated you, its time you moved on. They still have the cost of your sister to carry.

However that's a bit beside the point. You are jealous of the cuckoo in the nest, your parents are - if your story is to be believed - being a bit wet about this guy. You would be better off getting over your depression and either walking away from the situation by finding somewhere else to live, or taking things into your own hands and telling this character firmly that he either pays up or gets out.

However it is your parents' house and their call about who lives in it and in what circumstances. My advice would be that you make it very clear to your parents that its you or him. They might of course choose him, on the grounds that they don't want to sick this parasite onto their daughter, which would be a pathetic response on their part, but their choice. If your sister does take him in and they don't up her allowance then no doubt the attraction will dwindle.

There again there is the possibility that your perception of the situation is not entirely the same as the rest of your family's perception, so again, maybe the solution is for you to remove yourself and get on with your own life.

GAAman

I think we know the reason he had to move out of his parents house......

Have you spoken to your parents about the situation? If I were in your position I would point out to him that as he has been there living (or sponging to be more accurate) there since August of last year and has a good job he should have plenty saved to get a place himself. Then I would say he has a month to find somewhere.

He will continue to act this way for as long as he can, so put a stop to it now or it will continue long after you have moved out and it is totally unfair on your parents.

LegacyUser

So you've mentioned this to everyone EXCEPT Alan? I think you know what you need to do...when you're all sitting around the table eating dinner, in front of everyone say: "so Alan, what do you think about contributing say €80 a week (or pick another figure) for your bed and board here, seeing as the rest of us who are earning are contributing towards rent and bills, and also helping out with a cleaning rota so Mam isn't cleaning up after everyone?" Say it right out in front of everyone. See what he says. Let him squirm if that's what it takes.

Someone has to be the bad guy here. If the situation bothers you that much, let it be you. If it all blows up in your face and (worst case scenario) you are shouted down by other members of the family, well at least the issue is 'out there'. What is said cannot be unsaid and even if he continues to contribute nothing, the fact that this has been mentioned will hang over him like a cloud in the house.

HOW a grown man could live in someone else's house (LIVE long-term, not just be a guest) and not even THINK to contribute towards expenses is beyond belief, and a sad reflection on him.

tinkerbell

Well if it was me, I'd be saying it straight to his face. It is YOUR home, not his, you are contributing towards the household. I'd be saying it straight out to him WTF is his problem and that he has to start contributing. I'd be leaning towards him to move out though, he is a complete freeloader, your sister is a selfish cow for letting him treat her family this way and your parents are letting them walk all over her. If they aren't gonna grow a pair to stand up for themselves, well I believe it's your job to do so.

So I would talk to your parents first about it and tell them that you will not stand for them being taken for granted. Your sister is old enough to make her own decisions on where she lives so they should not be pussy-footing around this issue just in case she might move out. Frankly I think it's time she moved out and saw what it's like in the real world and she'd soon realise that having a freeloader take complete advantage is not a nice feeling. If your parents won't do something about it, then I suggest you talk to your sister and him. August since last year? That's nearly 10 months FFS, that's not temporary. He's probably laughing his way to the bank every month since you all are completely funding him.

Daisy M

It is your parents house and ultimately it is their decision and I dont think its your place to call the shots.

I suggest you sit your parents down and tell them exactly the effect this is having on you be as honest as you were in this post. I can understand them not wanting your sister to move out but the easier they make this relationship for them the longer it will continue. Do they want your sister to spend the rest of her life with a lazy sponger? She needs to be able to see what he is truly like before she commits to him long term and while your parents are there in the background picking up the slack its very likely she wont see his true colours.

If your parents wont do anything about this situation would you consider renting somewhere? I know you shouldnt have to but neither should you be so unhappy in your home.

edellc

your depression is due to this guy Alan and getting anti depressants or talking to a counsellor isn't going to help the situation, however talking to Alan about it will

I see that you have already spoken to you parents and although they are unhappy with the situation they are reluctant to say anything as they do not want him to encourage your sister to move out therefore financially burdening her

However if he has such a good job like you say he has then he has plenty of money to financially support himself and if he is serious about your sister then her also, look its nearly the summer and your sister will be on a break from college its the best time for them to set up house without disrupting her studies and they will see what playing house is really like

I know its not your house so technically not your place to say but I am of the mindset that if you are contributing to a household then you have a say as to how it is run, be it with house mates or family and I do think you have the right to be pissed off that he is taking advantage of your parents and of your home

So like one of the first posters said, when your sitting down for dinner why not say, so Alan hows about contributing say 80/100 a week towards your food and board its either that or your going to have to find somewhere mate....but do okay it with your parents first so they don't jump in with, oh Alan its okay you don't need to do that.....be the bad guy for a moment it'll help with the anger and depression

best of luck with it OP and I do hope you man up and grow a pair and get this scrounger to stop taking advantage of your parents good nature

Fentdog84

I know how it feels sharing a house with someone you dont like and how it creates a lot of bad vibes/atmosphere between the people living there. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is just ignore him/them and do your own thing where possible, just pretend as if he's not there. If you feel you cant do that,and direct confrontation with him and your sister on the issue wont work, you could go down the passive aggressive route and start annoying him back in subtle ways. Such as leaving warning notes(god those drive me bonkers!) about the place, dropping hints and sarcasm towards him,talking loudly or playing loud music, appearing cold and unfriendly, making disapproving facial expressions when you see him etc. Basically make him want to not live with you.He's doing the same to you isnt he?

LegacyUser

edellc wrote: »

So like one of the first posters said, when your sitting down for dinner why not say, so Alan hows about contributing say 80/100 a week towards your food and board its either that or your going to have to find somewhere mate....but do okay it with your parents first so they don't jump in with, oh Alan its okay you don't need to do that.....be the bad guy for a moment it'll help with the anger and depression

As I clarified after that part of my post, even if Alan is told at the table 'oh don't worry about it' by the OP's parents, the issue is out there in the open and can't be taken back no matter what plámásing goes on. The OP's parents have told him they find this situation tiresome, and Alan may just have to put his Big Boy pants on and go and find a house share somewhere, which is what he should have done within a couple of weeks of moving in!! I see no reason in running it past his parents first - they knows the situation is unacceptable, and maybe if EVERYONE at the table is taken by surprise there may be no pre-prepared responses by anyone, the OP's parents included.....therefore honest feelings may come out. JMHO!!

Also, where is your sister in all this, OP? Sounds like she may also have to put some Big Girl pants on and become involved with the situation... she's coasting along and not having to deal with it because everyone is muttering behind closed doors and not being upfront with either her or Alan. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, and honestly I'd hate to be in your shoes!! but at the same time, it should be made clear that he either stays and contributes, or he goes. Deep breaths, and good luck.

gerryk

Daisy M wrote: »

It is your parents house and ultimately it is their decision and I dont think its your place to call the shots.

I don't agree. It's entirely conceivable that the parents are non-confrontational types who would sooner bear the financial burden than do anything about it. It is also possible that they would welcome someone taking a strong position on their behalf.

ash23

I'd embarrass him into it. leave no wiggle room at all. Sit them all down and say upfront "seeing as ma and da pay the mortgage and the bills, I think myself and Alan should pay for all the groceries so ma, what would the weekly shopping cost roughly and we'll split it between the two of us".

You see, I think a major problem here is that you don't want to do this because you don't want to be beholden to paying a set, generous amount a week either. You can't say to him about your mother washing and ironing and cleaning, because she probably does it for you too.

So in essence the best way to get him to change is for you to also change.

Katgurl

I totally understand your frustration. I don't live at home but my sister does, she earns over 70k a year and contributes nothing, financially or otherwise, treats my mother like a servant even demanding she get sky plus installed while contributing nothing.

It drives me mad but it's up to my mother if she wants to allow it. She gets really upset and constantly drops hints but my sister is stubbornly refusing to hear them.

I think given the fact you live at home too (why is that?) you cannot make decisions for them. However if I were you, this is what I would do - sit down with Alan and your sister. State clearly that you all need to come to an agreement about household contribution and stick to it - you will need to start doing this too, otherwise it's pot kettle scenario. You can agree an amount based on income or you can divide it up evenly with alan paying for himself and sister. Plus agree on distributing household chores. They won't take it well but it will open up the conversation. He sounds like a total tw@t.

ongarboy

I'm sorry to say that while it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable in the house and family home that you were reared in due to this undesirable sponging off and abusing your folks generosity, you have absolutely no say in who your parents have or don't have in the house, living arrangements or financial contributions. Simply put, it is not your house, it's theirs. If your parents are unhappy with "Alan" living there, they need to either confront the situaton or else tolerate the consequences of saying nothing.

Turn the coin for a minute - imagine if you loved having Alan around and he was a best mate yet your parents couldn't stand him and wanted him out and verbally told him so, would you also be in your rights to overrule their decision because you lived there and wanted him to stay? As you have no ownership of the home, the answer is no, the same way the answer is no to you confronting Alan about leaving or following household rules. That's not to say you can't be involved but only if your parents decide to confront him about the situation and request your assistance but they have to be the instigators. I would recommend you ask but not insist they take a stand on this and confront Alan. They are grown up adults and while it might be unpleasant to do so, the failure of your parents to act would be a lot more unpleasant.

It's worrying that the sister acknowledges Alan's abuse of the situation but tolerates it for fear he may leave her. That says a lot about her and her self esteem but I know that is not your issue here. It's also peculiar that your parents would think that her moving out with Alan is an absolute no no as well and one of the reasons they tolerate him. Aren't adult children supposed to move out at some stage?

OP - you are over 18 so either you also tolerate the situation, ask (but not force) your parents to make a stand or make moves to live elsewhere (not necessarily with your GF if you're not ready for that). Most of us have moved out by our early 20s - I'm certain most of us could barely afford it, scraped by etc but had the craic of living away from home, making new friends, answerable to no-one. You say your home is your backbone and you can't leave but if that is the area that is creating most toxic in your life right now, perhaps a change of scenery would be the best option?

tinkerbell

ongarboy wrote: »

I'm sorry to say that while it's understandable that you feel uncomfortable in the house and family home that you were reared in due to this undesirable sponging off and abusing your folks generosity, you have absolutely no say in who your parents have or don't have in the house, living arrangements or financial contributions. Simply put, it is not your house, it's theirs. If your parents are unhappy with "Alan" living there, they need to either confront the situaton or else tolerate the consequences of saying nothing.

I completely disagree. If someone was taking blatant advantage of my parents' generosity you can be damn sure I'd be standing up for my parents if they were too uncomfortable about saying it themselves. Some people just avoid conflict, even if it means putting up with something they aren't happy with.

OP - take matters into your own hands, I'd say it straight out to your sister's boyfriend, in front of everyone. If your sister is such a selfish cow, then why should you pussy-foot around her? She clearly has NO regard whatsoever for your parents, so why should you be skirting around the possibility that standing up for your parents will hurt her feelings? To hell with that.

watchin_tv_drinkin_tea

watchin_tv_drinkin_tea wrote: »

So you've mentioned this to everyone EXCEPT Alan? I think you know what you need to do...when you're all sitting around the table eating dinner, in front of everyone say: "so Alan, what do you think about contributing say €80 a week (or pick another figure) for your bed and board here, seeing as the rest of us who are earning are contributing towards rent and bills, and also helping out with a cleaning rota so Mam isn't cleaning up after everyone?" Say it right out in front of everyone. See what he says. Let him squirm if that's what it takes.

Someone has to be the bad guy here. If the situation bothers you that much, let it be you. If it all blows up in your face and (worst case scenario) you are shouted down by other members of the family, well at least the issue is 'out there'. What is said cannot be unsaid and even if he continues to contribute nothing, the fact that this has been mentioned will hang over him like a cloud in the house.

HOW a grown man could live in someone else's house (LIVE long-term, not just be a guest) and not even THINK to contribute towards expenses is beyond belief, and a sad reflection on him.

Id say it one to one first and if there is no improvement then do your idea. just me though

endacl

Alan needs a kick in the hole. Sounds like he's needed one for a long long time.

What you need to do is tell him that, and then tell him to figure out why for himself.

Your parents need to be on board to kick him out the door onto that same hole. Figuratively of course. The poison he brought to your home is his, and he should take it with him.

Your sister is an adult. she can stay it go as she sees fit. For her sake, she should see sense. If she doesn't now, she will after a few months of supporting his useless hole.

This is for his own good too. I speak from experience. I was that Alan some years ago, I'm ashamed to admit...