Young, Ill and not open to accepting it

LegacyUser

Hi, thank you for reading this and any advice would be appreciated. Am a young female in college who relatively recently(nine months) ago got diagnosed with a chronic illness. The main symptoms are pain, fatigue and mobility issues. Have had minor health issues and operations throughout my childhood and the conditions outcome was always going to be ongoing. Am extremely lucky as have led a full, normal life, studying, working,helping out in the community and having fun. Really enjoyed and embraced life and all its magic.

The problem is as write this it all appears to be in past tense. Over the last year as symptoms worsened and eventually had to be acknowledged, it seems as if my life is on hold and going nowhere. As ridiculous as it sounds refuse to accept the condition. Stopped attending lectures and socialising.Went from a bubbly, outgoing individual to drinking alone and not wanting to leave the house. Am proud of the fact that friends know me as a positive person but recently went from rarely drinking to blacking out on nights out and crying. If one of my friends came to me with similar thoughts would be horrified at their negative self view and sympathetic to this thinking but can't see the difference between being ill and being altogether useless and a waste of space. Its purely a personal judgement as would never view anyone else in the same light, as know people all have exceptional qualities and personalities and its part of what makes the world so wonderful. The constant pain and tiredness seem to have to have taken all the energy and excitement away and no longer feel anyway feminine or fun to be around. Still have fun and enjoy others company but wake up crying and know eventually its all going to come apart. Not being able to give something back and bounce around like used to you is probably the biggest concern. Don't like having to explain to people, even though am fortunate enough to have obvious physical symptoms. Am quite young to have this particular condition and the idea of worrying people or exposing them to their own fragility makes me want to hide away, even though have never been made to feel like a hindrance or anything less than equal.

Feel utterly embarrassed by my limitations and using up medical resources.It seems to be all can think about and have no confidence in other areas. While know it will pass and acceptance will come eventually am wondering if anyone has advice on how to speed up the process. For a while was in a really bad place, and though it is no longer an issue did attempt suicide. Have fabulous friends and family but don't want to talk to them or anyone else.What I know to be true and what goes on in my head are two totally different things and saying them out loud would be shameful. Am taking time of college due to these medical reasons,including surgery and the next few months are going to be a test. Mobility will be challenged so realistically can't make concrete plans for the moment or commit to things such as courses, travel, volunteering e.t.c as much as would like to. Don't want to let one minor hiccup determine the rest of my life. Know there's so much to come and so many people to meet if can Thank you for reading this and hope can gain some perspective and common sense! Thanks again

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

Boards also has a Long Term Illness forum HERE, just shout if you want the thread moved over. :cool:

edellc

I feel your annoyance OP, but it is nice to see that you still have a positive outlook and know that once the operation and recovery process is over your life will improve, so many dont look that far into the distance.

I dont know what illness you have, however I have an underactive thyroid and it is pretty hard going at times, I have found the long term illness thread a great help and reading others stories has given me confidence to press ahead with requests to my doctor and helped me realise what my illness is how to handle it and that I am not alone with it. Maybe the thread will have a topic on your illness and you can talk to others in the same position as yourself.

I wish you all the very best with you operation and do hope you stop the drinking on your own thing, which is never good however ill or well you are and maybe if you dont find help over in long term illness you may look into seeking a councillor to help with your dark places

Peace and love op x

CathyMoran

I was diganosed with diabetes (type 1) when I was 10 and have had thyroid issues most of my life - my parents always said that I would never be able to have children. I met my husband who has crohns and we have both done things that people said that we would never be able to do - he understood that while I had serious medical conditions I am still me, is that makes any sense. As it turns out I was diagnosed with oesophgageal cancer over 5 years ago and it was only then that I understood my husband's cronic fatigue. We have "dates" at lunch time as we do not have enough energy for the evening but we still have a life and a 1 year old and a 2 year old.

You are only newly diagnosed and it will take time to adapt.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I was compelled to reply as your post seemed very similar to what I went through.

In Sept 2001 I was working and started to develop strange symptoms, really bad pain in my gut and no energy. I would throw up at the drop of a hat, there would be the normal pain which was there all the time and then from nowhere I would have these attacks which would drop me to the ground the pain was so great (Imagine it was a 6 at all times and then went to an 11 during these attacks!)

I had hospital investigations, tests, even a Laperoscopy which is usually done on women to check ovaries (The nurses gave me stick as I am a guy) and everything came back with nothing to show. The doc's told me it could be IBS or Chron's disease but also added they can use these when they have no clue what the hell is wrong! So I was not filled with hope to say the least.

I ended up on long term sick leave and had a horrible time of it. I was not eating or sleeping and felt like a zombie. Eventually I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and just got on with my life. I had left school when I was 15 to do an apprenticeship so further education was always a pipe dream. I went to a local tech during the evening and got a cert in computers. This allowed me to enrol in full time education and I got a FETAC award in computers and networking which allowed me bypass normal entry restrictions and I got to go to university which was huge

Got a good degree and hoping to do a masters in Sept, total pipe dream is to go on to get a PHD. I am not in any way blowing my own trumpet when I say all this, and add that I am still suffering from it to this day. I am just saying do not let your illness define you as a person, but you have to really want to that is the hardest part, to push yourself when all you want to do is curl up in a hole and stay there. Everything I have done to this point, it feels like I climbed mount Everest with each one, then went down and started the climb again. The more you want it the harder you will push yourself!

I really hope it all works out for you