Moving homes - not sure if being reasonable

LegacyUser

Hi all

I want to say that, first of all, I wouldn't normally ask on a forum about a relationship problem because all relationships are unique and nobody knows the ins and outs better than the people in them. But this one has me stumped.

I've been with my OH for years now. It's a great relationship and we rarely argue. We live in different counties and have jobs that are keeping us where we are, so we're not going to be moving in together for the next while.

However, I'm moving house this weekend. It's been on the cards for a while and I've finally found the place I want to move in to. He's helping me move - he has access to a van that will make life a lot easier.

Here's where the argument starts.

I'm moving on Friday and, although I know I'm making the right decision, I'm kind of apprehensive about moving into a new place. I've lived in my current place for seven years and I'm going to miss it. I was hoping that we could use the Bank Holiday getting all my stuff unpacked and having a nice dinner to celebrate the move and generally settling in. The OH is busy with projects at the moment, so I would do all the unpacking myself, but I thought he would be around.

However, he heard yesterday that some of his mates are going biking for the long weekend and he wants to go with them. So, he wants to move me and my stuff on Friday evening, and then head off on Friday night to meet them in Cork.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I really wanted him around: 1. 'Cause it's weird moving into a new place and I didn't want to be sleeping alone there on the first night; and, 2. To celebrate a big change in my life. I know I could have friends over, but, to me, this is very personal and I want the place in good order before I have mates over.

I never want to be the bossy girlfriend though who keeps their partner from going away having fun with the lads, and we do spend most weekends together as it is.

I really have no clue if I'm right or wrong. Any advice???

LostGirly

Any chance of a compromise? Could he move you and your stuff in Friday night and stay with you that night and head off with the boys Saturday morning?

Mr Bump

IMHO, I beleive he sould stay without question, it is a big change for you and you clearly want his support, if you never really put him in a position before where you needed him to stay, then he should have no problem with this, TBF, he should just do this without you having to ask IMHO,

UnsureAboutStuff wrote: »

Hi all

I want to say that, first of all, I wouldn't normally ask on a forum about a relationship problem because all relationships are unique and nobody knows the ins and outs better than the people in them. But this one has me stumped.

I've been with my OH for years now. It's a great relationship and we rarely argue. We live in different counties and have jobs that are keeping us where we are, so we're not going to be moving in together for the next while.

However, I'm moving house this weekend. It's been on the cards for a while and I've finally found the place I want to move in to. He's helping me move - he has access to a van that will make life a lot easier.

Here's where the argument starts.

I'm moving on Friday and, although I know I'm making the right decision, I'm kind of apprehensive about moving into a new place. I've lived in my current place for seven years and I'm going to miss it. I was hoping that we could use the Bank Holiday getting all my stuff unpacked and having a nice dinner to celebrate the move and generally settling in. The OH is busy with projects at the moment, so I would do all the unpacking myself, but I thought he would be around.

However, he heard yesterday that some of his mates are going biking for the long weekend and he wants to go with them. So, he wants to move me and my stuff on Friday evening, and then head off on Friday night to meet them in Cork.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I really wanted him around: 1. 'Cause it's weird moving into a new place and I didn't want to be sleeping alone there on the first night; and, 2. To celebrate a big change in my life. I know I could have friends over, but, to me, this is very personal and I want the place in good order before I have mates over.

I never want to be the bossy girlfriend though who keeps their partner from going away having fun with the lads, and we do spend most weekends together as it is.

I really have no clue if I'm right or wrong. Any advice???

P. Breathnach

UnsureAboutStuff wrote: »

...
I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I really wanted him around: 1. 'Cause it's weird moving into a new place and I didn't want to be sleeping alone there on the first night; and, 2. To celebrate a big change in my life. I know I could have friends over, but, to me, this is very personal and I want the place in good order before I have mates over.

I never want to be the bossy girlfriend though who keeps their partner from going away having fun with the lads, and we do spend most weekends together as it is.

I really have no clue if I'm right or wrong. Any advice???

I don't think that you are being at all unreasonable. Moving house like that is a big deal, and you are entitled to expect moral support from your OH.

His trying to squeeze you into a corner of his diary so that he can go play with the other boys looks very juvenile.

stargazer 68

UnsureAboutStuff wrote: »

I'm moving on Friday and, although I know I'm making the right decision, I'm kind of apprehensive about moving into a new place. I've lived in my current place for seven years and I'm going to miss it. I was hoping that we could use the Bank Holiday getting all my stuff unpacked and having a nice dinner to celebrate the move and generally settling in. The OH is busy with projects at the moment, so I would do all the unpacking myself, but I thought he would be around.

Did you actually ask him to be around for the weekend or just to help you move. As my OH says - I dont read minds!! Maybe he simply thought you wanted help to move your stuff and then be on your own to sort it out.

LittleBook

Assuming you've made it clear that you're counting on his support this weekend ... I wouldn't be pleased with this at all.

It's bad enough being in a long-distance relationship (as I am) but if I'm counting on my partner for his support during a significant and stressful event (and I would definitely count moving home as a signficant and stressful event) and he suddenly and at the last minute says he wants to do something else with his mates instead, I'd be livid.

Again, assuming you've made it clear to him that you are counting on him, communication can be complex in long-distance relationships.

If it's a case that he never, ever gets to see his friends and this is (for some reason) super important to him, a compromise could be that he stays with you on Friday and Saturday and joins up with his mates at some point on Sunday. But I would still consider this a favour to him.

mood

I think you are being unreasonable. He is helping you friday night to move stuff so I don't see what the big deal is. You need to do your own unpacking anyway as he may not know where you want things kept etc.

Squiggler

If you were moving in together, or moving together, I would agree that he should skip the trip with his friends. But this is your new home, where you will be living on your own.

But unless he is now going back on a previously agreed arrangement (as opposed to an assumption or hope that you had fostered) I think there is no reason for you to be annoyed.

If he agreed to help you to move, well, that's what he's doing. If he agreed to help you move and get settled then maybe expecting him to delay joining his friends until Saturday is reasonable.

I've moved many times, and I've never expected a non-live-in boyfriend to help out, or to help me settle in. If they offer to help then great, and I accept whatever limitations they place on that. After all, my stuff and my new place so my responsibility.

ash23

He's helping you to move so I don't see the problem.
You don't live together, it's not his stuff to unpack. He is being good imo to help you move and I don't think you need him to hold your hand in terms of staying with you to get you settled in.

But then I also don't believe in being very dependent on a partner either so might be coming at it from a different perspective.

LegacyUser

If he was bailing on you totally to go off with his mates then I could see the issue but he is still helping you move so I'm really not seeing what the issue is. Like you said in your post OP everyone is different and frankly I'd want my OH gone once all the heavy lifting was done so I could start sorting through things at my own pace and get myself sorted in the new space before having him over to, uhmmm, "christian" the new place. But I've moved a fair few times in the last 10 years so am more use to it.

Communication is the key here, maybe talk to him about staying friday night and heading saturday morning or coming back a little early either Sunday night or Monday night to stay with you. You said yourself you'd planned to do all the unpacking yourself anyway so what difference does it make if he is there for the whole weekend or not? He's not going to be living with you so your going to have to get use to the new place with out him at some point.

AhInFairness

If he is bailing on concrete plans that you had made then, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. A pet peeve of mine is people making plans and then bailing when something better comes along.

If you just assumed that he would be there for the weekend and you didn't actually ask him to do this for you then you are being unreasonable. As another poster said, he's not a mind reader and its not like you're moving in together.

If you did make an assumption I would suggest you accept his help on the Friday and enjoy some time alone in your new home. Personally I don't see what the big deal is with moving into a new place or why you need someone with you on your first night. Better that you get used to the place as soon as possible in my opinion.

Johnny_BravoIII

As a guy, I would consider it unreasonable.
I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Fair enough you are moving house after 7 years but a house is still a house.
The concept that you need to celebrate the new sitting room is beyond me.

But, ff you are lacking quality time together due to busy lives & not living with each other, then that's another matter entirely.

ManOfMystery

Technically, he's not being unreasonable. He is helping you move Fri night.

However ........................... this is kinda one of those things that are the reason we have partners at all. There's going to be a fairly big change in your life, and you'd like him there ......... that's totally understandable.

Personally, I'd want to be there - there will always be more biking weekends, house moves don't happen every week.

Lollipops23

I would be hurt by this- I moved recently too and my OH helped me move my stuff and stayed the first night to help settle me in. It was lovely- ordered pizza, drank wine and watched a film on the laptop (no tv yet!).

He did this without me having to persuade him-when I asked if he'd stay the night he said he'd assumed he would be.

As another poster said, he's trying to squeeze you in, even though sometimes when we have prior engagements we have to cry off other stuff. It's part of being a grown up.

LegacyUser

Lollipops23 wrote: »

As another poster said, he's trying to squeeze you in, even though sometimes when we have prior engagements we have to cry off other stuff. It's part of being a grown up.

But he isn't breaking a prior engagement, he is still helping her move but has most likely assumed that she is a grown up and doesn't need him holding her hand in her new place so has made plans for the long weekend as he figured she'd be spending most of it unpacking. If the OP is that uncomfortable staying in the new place then she should say it to him, as others have said he's not a mind reader and as the OP herself said in the first post every relationship is different. Just because one couple would assume they were to stay after the move doesn't mean all couples think the same way. I certainly wouldn't, I'd be glad of the help moving the heavy stuff but would want some space to myself then to sort my new living space. It's different if your moving together but one person helping a partner move to a new space is not the same.

nkay1985

I'm with the majority here. If he agreed to move stuff with you and stay the weekend to help you settle, then it's not right to now decide to go biking with his friends. If that wasn't the arrangement, it's unreasonable to expect him to not go with his friends because of an idea you had in your head but never voiced.

You also said that you spend most weekends together so it doesn't sound like he's one of those guys who's always choosing his buddies over you so I'd say leave the lad go have some fun and chalk it down to experience that you need to say things, not just assume.

Neyite

I cant get my head around wanting a boyfriend over to help me settle in. It's something that in all the house moves (and I've moved near on 20 times in my life) I've made I've never needed someone to stay with me. In fact, I've quite liked the fact that I have the peace and quiet to open a glass of wine, put on music of my choice and putter around making my new place "mine". When I moved into this place with my partner from another flat we shared, I even sent him off out with his mates so I could get organised myself.

Anyway, aside from that, if you didnt make concrete plans - I would imagine he assumed that you would be busy for the weekend unpacking and getting settled in and decided to do his own thing.

One last point - if you are moving into a house share, I wouldnt have your boyfriend over the first night. It gives a bad impression to your flatmates.

I'd personally let him go with his friends and not fall out over it.

LegacyUser

To expect boyfriend to give up his weekend to baby-sit (which is what was described) his girlfriend in a new, rented, house, is a bit much.

You are not married, you are both single. Why shouldn't he go off with his mates for a bit of craic?

If OP and her BF are committed to each other, they will have many years for snuggling up on a couch.

midnight_train

I can see where you're coming from, but I think it is a bit unreasonable to be upset with him, esp as he's helping you move on the Friday.

Personally, (and people may disagree with me on this one), I don't think it's right to ask family/friends, and maybe even boyfriends/girlfriends (unless you're living together, obvs) to help you move after the age of, say, 25. I HATE moving. I hate helping other people move even more. The past couple of times I've moved, I've paid movers.

And as for not wanting to spend the first night in your apartment alone ... well, that is life and part of being a grownup. You will spend many nights there on your own, and many nights with your BF as well. You'll be OK!

Of course, it would be much nicer to have him there all weekend, but this is your gig. He's going to help you with the heavy lifting, fair enough then if he wants to go off with his friends while you get settled in.

Not something to fall out over.

Good luck in your new place!

Lollipops23

midnight_train wrote: »

Personally, (and people may disagree with me on this one), I don't think it's right to ask family/friends, and maybe even boyfriends/girlfriends (unless you're living together, obvs) to help you move after the age of, say, 25.

From a purely practical point of view, there's no way I'd have been able to move without my OH and my parents helping-I live 3 floors up with no lift, so I couldn't physically manage hauling boxes up. And I don't have a car.

I think what this argument boils down to is whether the OP had clearly asked the BF to stay overnight. If she didn't then it's easy to see where the crossed wires happened.