friend issue

LegacyUser

I have been close friends with a girl for over three years now having done night courses together. We both work in a local charity part time so would see each other maybe 3 or 4 times per week, shes 25 im 30 ( both female). We have always had a good laugh together, went for drinks, can chat about anything, share our problems and happy stories and go on shopping trips quite often. However, recently she has been off with me, keeping her distance, tells me nothing and seems to be completely more concerned with 2 other friends of hers. Ive had 2 major things happen in my life recently, a house move and losing a very close family member to emigration, she never made contact despite knowing of what was going on, i felt hurt as I am there for her for every little thing in her life and always offer help. She has been like this on and off since i have known her but never this distant. Our work is morning based a few time a weeks and is office based, I am a bit of a perfectionist and can sometimes be a pain and that gets on her nerves so maybe I have annoyed her over something in there I dont know. Its 3 weeks now since ive heard from her outside of our course or in the organisation. At any time it is usually me who makes the effort with her and texts, organises stuff etc.
2 things I want to ask advice on
She was planning to have an ann summers party in her home last month and was making a list of people she could invite, she went out of her way to show me her list which include me (Sharon) and others from course, neighbours family etc, but the way she listed us was like this Mary, Tina, Meave, Bernie, Sharon office, Debbie, I was upset as one of her closests friends that she referred to me as Sharon office as the office is just where we work and I would have thought I was more than just a co-worker to her and also the fact she knows absolutely no other Sharon baffled me, whats worrying me she went out of her way to make sure I looked at the list as if she wanted for me to see it. Can anyone suggest if this could be deliberate?
Also, I spoke to my OH about it and he said I should play the same game, as in ignore it, keep my distance, pretend I don't notice or care and get on with things , dont talk personal stuff when we are together, and he reckons she willwonder what is wrong with me and come running back making more of an effort, Is he right?

edellc

I dont think your OH is right at all, if you say this girl was/is your friend and is being distant at the moment, well then go talk to her, see if she if free for lunch, a coffee in the morning before you start work whatever, email her or text her whatever you feel most comfortable with and sit down and talk to her about how your feeling.

Something has happened and you can either carry on as is or make the first move and see what is going on maybe something happened in her life too you never know until you ask, so if you value her as a friend then your best bet is to sit down and talk to her about it.

LegacyUser

Hi, this is OP, I would but I am always the one initiating doing something whether its coffee, drinks, cinema and in last few months she seems to always have an excuse not too but its worse in say last three weeks or so, no contact at all except for the office or the course we do. Also I dont want to arrange to go for coffee or a arrange anything in case I start coming across as needy or clingy or start annoying her. I wouldnt say its something going on in her life as she is not like that with other people she is friends with as she mentions meeting them every day planning events etc so that is why I think its about me. Also the list she showed me freaked me out as she made sure I looked at it. What my OH is saying is that she could be so used to me being always there and miss reliable that she just takes for granted il be waiting when she decides to ring me again etc and that if I play her game as in ignore her and pretent not to give a toss and dont make contact it will unease her and she will come running back, I think he might have a point?

SunnyDub1

Hi Op,

I think your OH is right. Been in a similar situation like that myself , and your friend is playing mind games.
Best thing to her is to ignore her, don't let its is that it is bothering you and get on with your day to day life. if you let her see that its bothering you your only playing her little game with her. She seems to be trying to seek some kind of reaction or attention. Smile and agree and do what ever it takes to show you are not bothered.
From my own experience I grantee she will come crawling back when she sees you are not bothered.

At the end of the day - do you really want a "friend" who is that immature and plays games like that.

try not to get to tied up in it and move, it's hard losing someone who you think you are close to but it's a lot easier moving on instead of hanging around wondering why, what if and how.

AhInFairness

If it was me, and I genuinely valued the friendship, I would have it out with her. You don't have to go in all guns blazing or anything like that. Just ask to meet her and tell her how you're feeling due to her behaviour towards you.

If you go down the road of ignoring and mind games you'll exacerbate the situation when it could possibly all be sorted by a mature conversation.

If she refuses to take your feelings seriously and continues acting like this then by all means walk away. At least if you talk to her about it you'll know you did all you could to salvage the friendship.

SunnyDub1

AhInFairness wrote: »

If it was me, and I genuinely valued the friendship, I would have it out with her. You don't have to go in all guns blazing or anything like that. Just ask to meet her and tell her how you're feeling due to her behavior towards you.

If you go down the road of ignoring and mind games you'll exacerbate the situation when it could possibly all be sorted by a mature conversation.

If she refuses to take your feelings seriously and continues acting like this then by all means walk away. At least if you talk to her about it you'll know you did all you could to salvage the friendship.

Op has stated in her second post that she has already tried to arrange coffee dates etc and she always had something on. The "friend" didn't want to know.
IMO that is not a friend. A friend would make time for you even if it is just for a quick chat, wether it be a call, text or coffee.

Ignore this "friend" op , you have tired to make amend and sort the situation and she didn't want to know and was to "busy"

LegacyUser

I'm going to give that a try and just ignore it all I think. Does anyone think the list of people with my name on it was significant or maybe a message I should have picked up on? Also just thismorning I was in the office with her and we were talking about phone charges and she told me she was changing over to a new network which was cheaper and that she would get free calls to others on same network then she said it suited her completely as "all her friends" were on that network , the thing is im not on this network, am I just being over sensitive or is she trying to tell me im not a friend of hers?

SunnyDub1

rosymosy wrote: »

I'm going to give that a try and just ignore it all I think. Does anyone think the list of people with my name on it was significant or maybe a message I should have picked up on? Also just thismorning I was in the office with her and we were talking about phone charges and she told me she was changing over to a new network which was cheaper and that she would get free calls to others on same network then she said it suited her completely as "all her friends" were on that network , the thing is im not on this network, am I just being over sensitive or is she trying to tell me im not a friend of hers?

What age is this woman 8 :rolleyes:?
I think it was a message, why else show someone a list that they are not on, thats like something I done in primary school. This is the list of who is invited to my party and whos not... sounds like the girl has major issues with herself.


The changing network probably was a dig to, but that's no certain, either way op ignore it all and just keep smiling, You don't need a Friend like, girl sounds like she has major issues for what ever reason. walk away - less sh*t for you to deal with.

LegacyUser

No I was on her list of people but I was list as "Sharon Office" as if i was just someone from the office and not a close friend, she knows no other sharon, whereas everyone else was listed as tina, meave etc so I thought that too might have been a dig her way of saying im just soemone she knows from office and not her friend, maybe I could be reading too much into it but at the same time I dont want to be thick and not get the message if there is one.

Oryx

Youll tie yourself in knots wondering if she is trying to send you hidden messages in these comments about her phone, and that list. They could be digs or it could be that you are feeling particularly sensitive right now and are picking up on something that isnt there. Either way, I dont think those two instances are something you should bring up with her.

However, generally it doesnt sound like she is treating you all that well. She avoids meeting you, has been distant, and you instigate all contact. I think that tells you all you need to know, really. She is not particularly invested in this friendship, and you could be banging your head off a wall trying to keep her as a close friend if that is not what she wants. You probably need to just take her as you find her, and assume she isnt someone you will be that close to in future.

Daisy M

Oryx has in my opinion hit the nali on the head. She is behaving like this on a regular basis its not just a new development. She blows hot and cold with you because she can. Personally speaking I would not be happy with a friendship like this. You will always be on tenderhooks wondering if you have done something to annou her. I dont think you should say anything keep the relationship as a professional one treat her as you would a workmate with respect but leave it at that. Real friends dont blow hot and cold and I doubt many people would let her away with it either.

AhInFairness

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

Op has stated in her second post that she has already tried to arrange coffee dates etc and she always had something on. The "friend" didn't want to know.
IMO that is not a friend. A friend would make time for you even if it is just for a quick chat, wether it be a call, text or coffee.

Ignore this "friend" op , you have tired to make amend and sort the situation and she didn't want to know and was to "busy"

There is a difference between asking to go for a casual coffee and saying something like "I need to speak to you about something, it's important." Perhaps the other girl does have other plans when asked, there is no way of knowing. Expecting your friends to change their plans to meet you for a coffee is pretty juvenile tbh - people have lives beyond their work friends.

It doesn't sound like the OP has faced this head on at all. Instead she's worrying about these "digs" which don't sound like digs to me at all. Getting involved in playing games to see if she'll come running back is silly behaviour that won't help anything.

OP, if it were me and I wanted to salvage it I would say it out right. That being said, perhaps you need to consider the possibility that she doesn't see you as a close friend and never has done. You could just be a casual acquaintance to her. If that's the case then stop trying with her. But don't stop trying in the hopes it will reignite some interest in you - stop because she's not the close friend you thought she was.

SunnyDub1

AhInFairness wrote: »

There is a difference between asking to go for a casual coffee and saying something like "I need to speak to you about something, it's important." Perhaps the other girl does have other plans when asked, there is no way of knowing. Expecting your friends to change their plans to meet you for a coffee is pretty juvenile tbh - people have lives beyond their work friends. .

Why should she go running after this "friend" if the woman has no time for her. she has asked on a numerous occasions to meet up and the friend was always busy. If the girl has other plans and is busy fair enough, but I'm sure a 10 min phone call to a freind out of her day wouldn't exactly be to much out of her busy life style.
TBh op, I think if you go running saying "we need to talk" it's coming across a little desperate and needy. The girl doesn't seem to have anytime for you or want to make anytime for you.

I'll agree that you might me reading into the "digs" a little to much but at the end of the day, if she is not going to be a Friend and make an effort, why bother reacting to the "digs" and approaching her about them.

OP, if it were me and I wanted to salvage it I would say it out right. That being said, perhaps you need to consider the possibility that she doesn't see you as a close friend and never has done. You could just be a casual acquaintance to her. If that's the case then stop trying with her. But don't stop trying in the hopes it will reignite some interest in you - stop because she's not the close friend you thought she was.

However I do agree with the above.

AhInFairness

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

Why should she go running after this "friend" if the woman has no time for her. she has asked on a numerous occasions to meet up and the friend was always busy. If the girl has other plans and is busy fair enough, but I'm sure a 10 min phone call to a freind out of her day wouldn't exactly be to much out of her busy life style.
TBh op, I think if you go running saying "we need to talk" it's coming across a little desperate and needy. The girl doesn't seem to have anytime for you or want to make anytime for you.

Goodness. The OP is clearly upset at the behaviour of someone that she considers to be a close friend. She can either have it out with her and figure out whats going on or she can walk away. I'm merely suggesting she have a frank discussion so she can actually determine if there is something up or if this girl doesn't think they have the strong relationship that the OP does. If you think asking someone you call a close friend who has upset you to speak to you in a serious manner makes you "desperate and needy" then I would question your maturity to be quite frank.

I'm not going to debate this with you, SunnyDub1. The OP came here looking for advice and I offered my opinion on her situation. Believe it or not, we're allowed to disagree. You've given your advice and I've given mine. As it happens I do think she should forget this girl because I don't think she views their friendship as anything other than colleagues, but the OP is obviously very upset by this and wants to sort it out.