the esetscum

LegacyUser

So, my boyfriend doesn't do affection. He will never be the one to make the first move when it comes to hugging, to kissing, to holding hands. He occasionally makes the first move when it comes to sex, but again, it's only occasionally. We have talked about it numerous times, and he has tried, but he just forgets. The latest one was as early as two weeks ago, and i noticed a huge change last week, but now it's back to the way it was before. I am always second guessing his feelings for me, and i'm getting a bit tired of always having to be thinking that the reason he's being so short with me is because he doesnt like me.

On top of all that, he has problems downstairs and it basically means we have sex once in a blue moon, because he won't initiate it because he is afraid he wont be able to perform, then i won't initiate because i'm afraid he'll reject me (by just lying there because he is afraid of not getting it up). it's a vicous cirle.

I know there is a lot of pressure on him, mostly put on by me, but everyone needs reassurance now and again, and i've said many many times i'm not looking for flowers and candles and romantic dinners, i want him to seem interested in me, by giving me hugs or randomly kissing me, and its getting to the point where this will break us up.

I love him, and he says he loves me, but it's still a very hard thing to get used to, and tbh i don't know if i can be with someone who NEVER shows they're feelins towards me, other than when we have sex, which as mentioned before, is very rare because there's so much pressure..

Am I asking too much of him? Do I have the right to be kissed and cuddled? Am I right in getting annoyed? Sometimes I do think I am being unfair, but then other times, I think he is being unfair. I do want to be with him, and i think he wants to be with me, but my old insecure self sometimes emerges and reaks havoc on my thoughts and emotions, and we end up fighting over something silly and it's ruining our relationship. I don't know what to do

coco_lola

Your boyfriend shouldnt "forget", he shouldn't need to be reminded to be affectionate. It should just come naturally to him because he wants to. Granted, not all men are affectionate publicly, but there should be some form of affection between the two of you. How long are you together?

Mr Bump

IMHO, I think it is a two way street, sometimes you have to push someone up the steert to meet half way, but when they get there they are half way if that makes sence and stay there,
I do understand he is not very good at showing affection, but again when show how to do this even if he still does not like it he should make an effort towards you even if its not in public,
With regards to performance down there, well sometimes its because of lack of confidance / size / etc, this can be a little bit harder to overcome, he needs your support and maybe therapy of some type to get over the fear,
I think you should talk to him and ask would he like to go with you to get some help in this area so you both can benefit from it, you need to make him think its for both of you, not just him, as he will feel its all his fault and maybe he wont talk or meet anyone then,
I dont see why over time and the right help you both cant get over this,
Hope this was of some help,

Regards

Mr Bump

GUESTAHOLIC wrote: »

So, my boyfriend doesn't do affection. He will never be the one to make the first move when it comes to hugging, to kissing, to holding hands. He occasionally makes the first move when it comes to sex, but again, it's only occasionally. We have talked about it numerous times, and he has tried, but he just forgets. The latest one was as early as two weeks ago, and i noticed a huge change last week, but now it's back to the way it was before. I am always second guessing his feelings for me, and i'm getting a bit tired of always having to be thinking that the reason he's being so short with me is because he doesnt like me.

On top of all that, he has problems downstairs and it basically means we have sex once in a blue moon, because he won't initiate it because he is afraid he wont be able to perform, then i won't initiate because i'm afraid he'll reject me (by just lying there because he is afraid of not getting it up). it's a vicous cirle.

I know there is a lot of pressure on him, mostly put on by me, but everyone needs reassurance now and again, and i've said many many times i'm not looking for flowers and candles and romantic dinners, i want him to seem interested in me, by giving me hugs or randomly kissing me, and its getting to the point where this will break us up.

I love him, and he says he loves me, but it's still a very hard thing to get used to, and tbh i don't know if i can be with someone who NEVER shows they're feelins towards me, other than when we have sex, which as mentioned before, is very rare because there's so much pressure..

Am I asking too much of him? Do I have the right to be kissed and cuddled? Am I right in getting annoyed? Sometimes I do think I am being unfair, but then other times, I think he is being unfair. I do want to be with him, and i think he wants to be with me, but my old insecure self sometimes emerges and reaks havoc on my thoughts and emotions, and we end up fighting over something silly and it's ruining our relationship. I don't know what to do

LegacyUser

We're together six months, so I don't know whether it'd be too early to go to therapy together! I have been to counselling myself, and highly recommend it, but don't want to mention it to him, because he is a strong character and feel like ill be putting him down or something. I really care about him, and i don't know what to do sometimes. I have thought to myself that it should come naturally to him - we had a talk about it and he said that he was affectionate with one of his exes and that she said she loved it, but then a while later turned around and said she hated it, so he stops and now he isnt like that with anyone.. but i dont understand how it doesnt come naturally to him, to just hug me or kiss me.. and i see all these couples in the street and the man is kissing the girl, and i just think - what if?

jellygems

affection does not come naturally to me even with my two children

i struggle with it daily, i would never refuse them a hug etc but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, theyre the only ppl i would show any affection with, my ex husband and bf's it scares the bejesus outta me

maybe its something he cant control and its not about you, its about him

_Whimsical_

I would have to ask what you are getting out of the relationship at this point if there isn't affection?

If 6 months in you're with a friend that you need to badger for a hug or a kiss then I think you deserve better and can do better. You turning yourself inside out to be ok with that is not the sort of compromise you should be making in a relationship. Equally if it's very uncomfortable for him to meet your needs perhaps he should be with someone else who has unusually minimal needs in a relationship.

I think that for your self esteem you should maybe close this chapter. Even if he does make an effort I think you'd always feel it wasn't what comes naturally to him and in sex or affection feeling wanted is 90% of what it's about. You deserve that and you need it in the long term if a relationship is survive.

P. Breathnach

The first thing to focus on, Op, is that it is almost certainly not your shortcoming, but his way of behaving.

People vary in how demonstrative they are, and it seems that he is close to one extreme of the continuum. We could speculate about why this is so, but it's not appropriate to behave as amateur psychologists and make pronouncements about people that we don't know. The thing to bear in mind is that while his behaviour (or should we say lack of behaviour?) tends towards one end of the scale, it is not necessarily a seriously bad thing. But it is something that troubles you, and therefore qualifies as a problem.

I believe that his behaviour can change. Not so much by his deciding to do it for you, but more through relaxing with you and becoming habituated to demonstrations of affection. Physical displays of affection by you, well short of sexual contact, should help - things like a gentle caress when you are doing something like watching television, or holding his hand for a short time, or just snuggling up to him (I am thinking "like a kitten"). In sum, be demonstrative, but demonstrate love or affection rather than lust.

And be patient. It took years to make him undemonstrative; it's not going to change totally in weeks.

It's for you to judge if it's worth the time and the effort.

Piliger

Hi OP. This is indeed a very difficult situation. We only just finished a thread dealing with the normal issues men have with performance and the patience and awareness women need to develop about this part of life.

But this is a more complex issue because your BF seams to me not to be completely keep his part in the bargain of the relationship, which involves doing his best for you.

Being shy and quiet and reserved is one thing. Being unwilling to do his best to make you happy is another, his performance issue apart.

His issues with rejection and nervousness and lack of confidence is a problem I sympathise with hugely. But the truth is you appear to be dealing with it compassionately, patiently and lovingly. So he now must play his part, which involves doing whatever he can to help. And in my view this seems to me to be a clear case of him showing willingness to help himself, and him needing therapy ... in that he really needs to see someone about two things.

Firstly his anxiety and fear of intercourse. He needs to see someone on his own about this. Once he is tackling that then there is a logical role for you to become involved.

Secondly I think the issue of affection needs to be addressed. As someone above correctly says some people are just not affectionate. But you know life is not that simple. We have obligations that go beyond what is comfortable and easy. We have obligations to go the extra mile if we truly love someone. And even if we don't feel completely comfortable with affection then we fake it until we feel it. In my view he needs to realise that you NEED this, and if he loves you he needs to step up.

On the flip side OP you really need to take a step back in all of this, in my view. You really need to take stock on what you are getting into. If you are certain that you absolutely LOVE this guy then you still have to decide if love is enough. Can you go through what could be a lengthy a period of your life with both of these parts of your life so lacking?

I am not saying what you should so - only saying that you have needs and they are needs that cannot just be shelved. If they are, then that will lead to major major problems down the road.