Lying and secrecy

Corkgirl1234

Hi I would be interested in getting some feedback on this topic.

i have been with my boyfriend over 4years and after a few months of being with him I found out he was inappropriately texting another girl. I believe nothing happened between them, but what I didn't like was the secrecy as he went out of his way to hide his phone from me(which for the record I use not check his texts etc.it was only when he made me suspicious that when I did check I found these messages).

I had spoken to the girl after I found out and she said it was all coming from his way, that he wanted to meet up with her but she refused, she had no idea he had a girlfriend and she said I should have dumped him.

Anyway he promised me the world and that he would change but four years on I still find out he's been texting, mailing various other women, more than one occasion.
I still don't really believe he has ever met any of these women, but I feel like he is still cheating on me, just in a different way. Whenever he gets caught he says it's harmless and he'll never talk to that person again.
He always uses these social sites like twitter, Facebook etc and talks to strangers(women).This morning I discovered he has been talking to this 'old friend' that he doesn't even know really.
However he had sworn three even more times not to speak to this woman(even though I told him we were over if he did it again) yet here I am again ! to make it worse I seen he said to her he has his account on private so I can't see his messages.

he just can't stop lying and doing the same mistakes over and over again. I'm not a bunny boiler girlfriend and don't 'check up' on what he's doing on his phone,Internet sites but whenever I do check I find something sleezy or something he promised he wouldn't do before. I've come to a stage that it's not upsetting me that much anymore that he's speaking to other women like that, it's just becoming normal. all I know is he's always lying and doesn't show respect to me and his kids,I have never done anything like this too him,and yet he also is incredibly insecure and controlling with me.

Sorry for ranting on there's so much I could say, it's hard to sum in down into a few lines.thanks in advance

_dublinlad_

That is ridiculous behaviour. He is continuely showing you no respect. I know it easy to say from an objective point of view but - get out, get out now!

Also remember this has nothing got to do with you, this guy is clearly an ass-hat. Time to stand up for yourself and move on.

x Purple Pawprints x

I agree with _dublinlad_. He's completely dishonest, he doesn't care about you or your feelings at all. To be honest it's not a good environment to have children growing up in. He doesn't respect you at all and the children are going to learn the same. I really feel for you, you should be able to trust your partner and you can't. I really hope everything works out for you OP.

Oryx

From reading your post, it comes across that there is so much wrong with your relationship I dont know where to start.

He lies to you, and has done for years.
You dont trust him.
He wont change his habits which are hurtful to you, and dishonest, and dismisses them as harmless. They are not harmless.
Your mention of him controlling you is very worrying.

You are right when you say he does not respect you, because it really sounds like he doesnt. He has repeatedly broken his promises to change his behaviour. It sounds to me like at this stage he might never change, and you could have some hard decisions to make. But noone deserves to live in a situation where they feel so insecure and with such little respect or trust.

You need to bring this up again, and be strong about it. He has to understand that this behaviour could well cause you to leave him. He needs to know that risk is there, and to decide which is more important to him, you or his addiction to sexting.

daisybelle2008

Corkgirl1234 wrote: »

...yet he also is incredibly insecure and controlling with me.

Have you taken a good look at why you want to be in this relationship?
What is it about him and the relationship that you love and enjoy?

He is lying, controlling, jealous, sleazy, doesn't respect you and is trying constantly to meet other women. This is who he is and he has showing no sign of changing. Question is why would you want to be in a relationship with him.

I would say you have only tipped the iceberg with how bad things are. Jealous, insecure people make terrible parteners and very dysfunctional relationships.

SunnyDub1

Op,

You really need to get out of the relationship.
He has no respect for you and tbh is making a complete mug of you.
You deserve better then this. I genuinely feel sorry for you.

You will be the bigger and better person if you get out of the relationship and you will also feel a lot better, and have less of his sh*t to stress and worry about.

genuine question - What is actually keeping the relationship going?
why are you still together ?
Obvious reason you love him after 4 years together but imo there has to me more to a relationship then just love to keep it going.

fallen01angel

i have been with my boyfriend over 4years and after a few months of being with him I found out he was inappropriately texting another girl.

Anyway he promised me the world and that he would change but four years on I still find out he's been texting, mailing various other women, more than one occasion.
all I know is he's always lying and doesn't show respect to me and his kids,I have never done anything like this too him,and yet he also is incredibly insecure and controlling with me.

Hi OP, To say you're in a toxic relationship really is an understatement TBH. He's clearly fixated with getting kicks out of "flirting" or "chasing" other women and has been getting awaywith it for years.This is a continued serious breach of trust and I have no idea how you have managed to get through the 4 years you've been in this "relationship".
You mention that he has kids,did he have them with you or with someone else,it's just I'm having a little difficultly in understanding reasons to stay with such a horrible person for so long,and I'm just wondering if because ye have kids together? To be honest OP even if they're both your kids I would advise you to get out of this situation right now,he can still be a father to them but at least you won't have to endure his cr*p.
He hasn't changed one iota in 4 years and it's not going to happen now or ever.I think you have to ask yourself-Do I really want to spend my life wondering what he doing on the FB/Twitter etc and putting up with such obvious disrespect?

LegacyUser

she said I should have dumped him

You really should have tbh.

I think you need to address your self esteem issues and ask yourself why are you willing to settle for such an awful, controlling, disrespectful partner and terrible role model for your kids.

Would you allow someone to treat you son/daughter in the same way this man treats you? Why do you think you and your kids are worth so little?

Corkgirl1234

thanks for all your replies ,it has helped me because I find it hard to actually believe if I am blowing things out of proportion as he seems to think he does nothing wrong by treating me this way.it is a very difficult situation as yes we have two young children,is it enough of a reason to leave someone and as he says 'leave the kids with no father' .clearly i am still with him because of our kids ,and when things are ok at home we re ok,everything feels normal, but also because I stupidly believed that every time he said he wouldn't do this sort of behaviour that he meant it ,and would not happen again.before it would really upset me,but now I am actually almost not bothered to tackle him when it happens as its just become a normal part of our relationship,or I end up feeling like I've done something wrong or that this is something I deserve or this is just something that every other man would do.

fallen01angel

Corkgirl1234 wrote: »

thanks for all your replies ,it has helped me because I find it hard to actually believe if I am blowing things out of proportion as he seems to think he does nothing wrong by treating me this way.it is a very difficult situation as yes we have two young children,is it enough of a reason to leave someone and as he says 'leave the kids with no father' .clearly i am still with him because of our kids ,and when things are ok at home we re ok,everything feels normal, but also because I stupidly believed that every time he said he wouldn't do this sort of behaviour that he meant it ,and would not happen again.before it would really upset me,but now I am actually almost not bothered to tackle him when it happens as its just become a normal part of our relationship,or I end up feeling like I've done something wrong or that this is something I deserve or this is just something that every other man would do.

Oh OP,sometimes it's easier to see things more clearly when you're not in the situation, but please believe me when I say you are most definately not "blowing things out of proportion"-your "partner" is emotionally messing with your head,if you decide to leave him you are not leaving the kids without a father-if he is a good father to them then he can continue to be a good father but you will be able to continue without the burden of a really bad partner....you don't specify whether your children are male or female,no I don't want to to answer that I just want to make the point; in years to come...

• If you have a son would you want him to treat his partner with whom he has kids with in the manner you're being treated by your partner?

OR

• If you have a daughter would you want her to put up with such treatment as you're currently putting up with?

Of course your partner believes he is doing nothing wrong,no one ever wants to be portrayed as the villain but this is one of these cases where the partner is most definately "the bad guy". Break ups are never easy OP, but I think you need to take the 1st step in what is right for you and in the long run your children.