Contact the Ex or Not?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I have asked numerous people from my group of friends about this situation and one only had a strong opinion about it and now I'm not sure what to do.

My ex emigrated to the US last year and we both mutually decided that it was in our best interests to break up (both of us are young and felt like we both wanted to use the time to be single and by ourselves for a while). We managed to stay in contact for awhile, which was mostly initiated by myself (no point lying) and I think I did my best to maintain some sort of friendship between us, which worked until a point. After a few months he decided being in contact was just messing around with his head and he needed a complete clean start from us and to basically stop messaging him. This came after I rang him (drunkenly, of course) telling him that I was basically over him (lie) and that I wasn't going to continue talking to him unless he promised me we'd reunite in the future (desperation, or what?!).

Since we stopped talking I really have pulled myself up and dusted myself off. I've been in such a good place since then, dating and just generally happy. I found out a few months that the ex has returned to Ireland after visa problems. I spotted him at a party and pulled a mutual friend of ours aside and told him to tell him that I said hi but that I'd prefer if we just stayed away from each other (lie, of course I wanted to talk to him, but after being hurt and all the rest...). That night, he did as he was told and I went home early. I was told that after I left he was found crying because I hadn't talked to him. I'll remind you now that it was he who decided that he didn't want to further our communication. Now that he's returned I'm incredibly anxious all the time, afraid I'll bump into him, that he'll contact me etc.

My question is is do I contact him? Or do I wait until he contacts me? Or just simply move on and continue doing well as I have been. I'm not sure what I want to achieve by contacting him. I still love him, that's for sure. But I just don't know what to do.

To contextualise this guy had treated me badly at times, but there were some great times and at times I even considered him being the 'one'. To make matters more complicated, I'm moving to mid western Africa come September for a year..

What do I do?

December2012

What harm can come of meeting up?

_dublinlad_

I really dont see the problem here.

He wanted you to stop contacting you whilst he was away because it must have been torture for him talking to you while you where two thousand miles away. I would have done the same thing, this shows that he is really crazy about you.

You are clearly still crazy about him, so where is the problem. Just be an adult about this, stop playing games and contact him. Meet up for a drink and lay your cards out on the table. If things go well then you can have a great summer together and deal will parting again when the time comes.

Life is short, the things you regret most are the things you didnt do. Go for it.

SunnyDub1

Don't contact him.


I know from my own experience that is it is so hard to get over someone you loved. It can mess your head and it takes time, don't trow all your hard work at that away.
If the relationship was gonna go anywhere he wouldn't of moved away. You said yourself that you are happily single and loving life so why go back to having your head all over the place?
You have your own life now and plans to move away, he didn't put his life on hold for you so why would you do the same for him ?

It didn't work out the first time so what gonna make it different this time ?

He was only crying cause he was drunk - lets face it!

You where grand and getting on with life, and he wasn't in your head before you knew he was back... why change all that now.
Seriously don't go back down the road you are only going to get hurt again. By all means if you see him say hi how are you but don't do all that heart to heart ****. If I where you I would try an avoid him.

SunnyDub1

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

He wanted you to stop contacting you whilst he was away because it must have been torture for him talking to you while you where two thousand miles away. I would have done the same thing, this shows that he is really crazy about you..

If he was that crazy about her , why move away in the first place

He wanted her to stop contacting him cause in reality he was getting on with life and had no interest or care in what she was doing.

_dublinlad_

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

Don't contact him.


I know from my own experience that is it is so hard to get over someone you loved. It can mess your head and it takes time, don't trow all your hard work at that away.
If the relationship was gonna go anywhere he wouldn't of moved away. You said yourself that you are happily single and loving life so why go back to having your head all over the place?
You have your own life now and plans to move away, he didn't put his life on hold for you so why would you do the same for him ?

It didn't work out the first time so what gonna make it different this time ?

He was only crying cause he was drunk - lets face it!

You where grand and getting on with life, and he wasn't in your head before you knew he was back... why change all that now.
Seriously don't go back down the road you are only going to get hurt again. By all means if you see him say hi how are you but don't do all that heart to heart ****. If I where you I would try an avoid him.

I agree that its very hard to get over people we have loved, we have all been there, it sucks. But it is certainly better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all. She has the opportunity to get back with him for the summer, who knows the africa plan may fall through, and if it doesnt then deal with emotions of loosing him a second time when the time comes.

The OP didnt give any details on why he moved away, he may well have had no work here and it was his only option, I would certainly not take this as he wanted out of the relationship - I emigrated for a year out of necesity and I left a woman I loved deeply behind.

Guys dont cry just because they are drunk, I know everyone is different but I highly doubt he was crying and getting overly emotional because he was drunk - it was simply because he saw you again and all his feelings for you poured back and hit him hard. I have been there, it has almost nothing got to do with the drink.

Sure, you can take the stance of "plenty more fish in the sea", and well you would be right. But the fact that you took the time out of your "happy single life" to ask a question about this guy - means he was something very special to you.

At the end of the day this is your decision, and a fairly big one at that. Personally if I would go for it. You potentially have much more to gain here then you have to lose.

SunnyDub1

OK fair points dublinlad. Everyones views of the situation and advice is going to be different.

It doesn't just "suck" a break up can really affect a person , short term and long term.
Just from my own experience with my ex if he came anywhere near me even if he had a million dollars I would reject him, not because he is a bad person or we had a bad relationship its For the simple fact that it took time to cure a broken heart and every time I hear or see him I think of the pain he put me threw, I simply think that it's just not worth it. I can't ever take the time wasted back so why put myself threw it all again. That's how I look at it.

You emigrated out of necessity could the girl not have went with you ? whether or not she could of it theres ways around compromising with someone you love.

OP At the end of the day he was crying cause she didn't say Hi to him, it's not like he was declaring his love for you. He might not even have any interest in getting back with you or meeting with, you are just assuming all this and concidering contacting him? I think your getting your false
hopes up and reading into it all to much.

If he wants to contact you let him contact you, then maybe consider meeting him if you feel it's what you want to do.

_dublinlad_

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

OK fair points dublinlad. Everyones views of the situation and advice is going to be different.

It doesn't just "suck" a break up can really affect a person , short term and long term.
Just from my own experience with my ex if he came anywhere near me even if he had a million dollars I would reject him, not because he is a bad person or we had a bad relationship its For the simple fact that it took time to cure a broken heart and every time I hear or see him I think of the pain he put me threw, I simply think that it's just not worth it. I can't ever take the time wasted back so why put myself threw it all again. That's how I look at it.

You emigrated out of necessity could the girl not have went with you ? whether or not she could of it theres ways around compromising with someone you love.

OP At the end of the day he was crying cause she didn't say Hi to him, it's not like he was declaring his love for you. He might not even have any interest in getting back with you or meeting with, you are just assuming all this and concidering contacting him? I think your getting your false
hopes up and reading into it all to much.

If he wants to contact you let him contact you, then maybe consider meeting him if you feel it's what you want to do.

I agree that break ups can deeply effect people and take years to get over. However in saying this I dont think its healthy not to go for it just because the risk of it happening again. I would rather look back at my life and think to myself " I went for it, I got hurt badly a few times because of this - but I have no regrets". But hey - thats just me.

Sometimes people just need to do things out of nessecity. I dont buy the hollywood "nothing should stand in the way of love" - this is the real world, we are living in a ressesion, people have different carrers and family responsibilities, there are plenty of valid reasons to emigrate even if the love of your life is left behind.

About the crying thing. Again it would be wrong to speak for all guys but - personally I would not shed one tear over a girl I was not in love with. He saw you, found out you didnt want to talk to him and he was devastated. Simple as.

Piliger

Life is too short to spend it 'wondering'.
What is to be gained by each action ?
If you don't contact him you will never know what you future holds and spend it wondering and doubting. If you contact him you will find out exactly where you stand ... good or bad.

LegacyUser

Hey,

sorry for not getting back to these responses sooner, I've been a bit busy with work.

Just to clarify a few things. Yes, he emigrated for further studies and really had no choice to leave. What bothers me is how I was treated when he was away, I suppose. In retrospect I can understand how he was feeling and why he wanted to stop communicating with me, but being broken up with because still makes me feel a bit down.

Anyway, I have decided to contact him next week. I'm leaving it a couple of days because I just got word his cousin died so I want to give him a few days to just deal with his family issues.

What upsets me is that he hasn't contacted me either. Maybe we're just both waiting for the other to make the first move, I suppose. He has my e-mail address (I'm sure) and we've deleted each other from FB and all the rest... suppose I'm going to have to make the first move although I'm not 100% OK with it. I dunno, maybe I expect too much.

_dublinlad_

OK, so you have decided, good for you, its an important decision and you where right to not take it lightly.

I think it is important to contact him with as low of an expectation as possible. Its easy enough to say this, much harder to do - but I do think its important that you try.

Its worth saying that even if you contact him and he wants none of it, or you get back together then you go away and your devesated. At least you went for it.

All the best OP. Whatever the outcome atleast your grabing life by the balls and putting yourself out there.

fallen01angel

OP23991 wrote: »

Hi guys,

I have asked numerous people from my group of friends about this situation and one only had a strong opinion about it and now I'm not sure what to do.

(lie)(lie, of course I wanted to talk to him, but after being hurt and all the rest...).

Hi OP, I have quoted the main bits of your original post that jumped out at me-you've lied to this guy on occassions to protect yourself/it felt like the the right thing to do at the time and that was your (quite rightly) choice but I getting the sense that you're now sorry that you said those things. My advice to you is to bite the bullet, ask the guy to meet up for coffee and a chat or just meet and talk,lay all your cards on the table,tell him the whole truth, at least then whatever the outcome of the conversation is you can go to Africa without the "what if " baggage.......