Should I ?

LegacyUser

OK so I'll try make this as short as possible.

I broke with me ex just before Christmas. 5 long years. We where practically married, lived together the whole lot. We both wanted different things so went our separate ways.

wasn't out as much due to the relationship. Took some time to get back in with the lads. So when I got out of the relationship I started to go back out again, quite a lot.
Loving life - I had no intension of getting back into another relationship for a while.

I met with a Friend a couple of months back ago he brought his girlfriend and his girlfriends Friend (very hot) , it was a freindly meet up, no intension of it been a double date. after a few drinks we hit it off,and ended up going back to mine and sleeping together. We didn't exchange numbers.
Another week later we all met again for drinks, same thing happened this time we exchanged numbers.
I hadn't any intension's to text her but she texted me and taught it be rude not to reply and after all she was a nice girl, hot, funny and great in bed.

I made it clear to her that I was up for a bit of laugh but I didn't and don't want anything serious, she understood this and was OK with this so we contuined to text and see each other occasionally. she would come up to mine once or twice a week and stay over. I live on my own.
We would just get food, watch some TV, few drinks then sex. I've only taking her on a proper date like twice - cinema, dinner.

she was acting funny one night, making comments about how her sisters wedding was coming up etc (hinting on that she had no date) and trying to plan more meet ups, it all just came on a little strong to me.
So I decided to have a talk with her last week. has nice as I could put it .....
I said to her - " you are a great girl and I do like you but without sounding harsh, I don't want to mislead you and I just want to be honest with you, I'm having fun with you but it's not going to go any further, we are both still single in my eyes and just having fun if you get me, so I understand if you want to walk now"
she laughed it off and said yeah I fully understand, I'm not looking for a ring don't worry. so I assumed she got the picture.

At the weekend my friend made a comment about how she hasn't been with anyone else since we started hooking up and how she told his girlfriend (her Friend) that she could see it going further. This confused me.
I felt guilty in a way cause I have been with other girls since we started to hook up, infact most weekends I would be with someone new.

I genuinely like the girl , we get on well etc I'll be honest by saying that if I stopped seeing her I would prob miss her, but I don't think I can commit to anyone. I am enjoying being single and I feel that I couldn't be loyal to the girl. Obviously I can't have the best of both worlds.

Anyone being in this situation before ? Do I cut all contact with the girl, or do I maybe take the risk and give the girl a chance ?
Any advice will be much appreciate.

And I don't want any smart answers or people calling me a player/dick/asshole etc, came here for advice not a lecture

Thanks

daisybelle2008

advice-needed45 wrote: »

I felt guilty in a way cause I have been with other girls since we started to hook up, infact most weekends I would be with someone new.


Thanks

I would be inclined to cut contact with her. You have been very honest and upfront so you have no reason to feel guilty at all. I don't think she is being honest with you (or herself) and she is not respecting your feelings. The fact that she is telling her friend she 'can see it going further' when you have told her it won't would bother me a lot. You are on different wavelengths. Be honest and tell her you don't want to take it further and break up, I don't think she has that message and has her own little delusion going on.

hi op, im not going to call you any names!! in fact i think you have been very honest and its a pity there isnt more like you.

however, your actions are confusing the issue.
she spends a couple of nights a week at your house, you hang out together and have sex, there are actual couples out there that dont spend as much time together!!

i suppose there are two ways to deal with it,
1. stop spending so much time together, i mean, a couple of nights a week, at your house? this is sending her the wrong message. if you're just looking to hook up, then do just that.

2. stop seeing her altogether. yea you might miss her but the way it is she is getting more and more into this as time goes on. and if you are genuinely worried about leading her on then just nip it in the bud, now.

i would tell her that you are not interested in a relationship and that you think it better that you dont see each other anymore. i would explain what your friend told you. then leave her alone, she is clearly interested in far more than you want to give.

wylo

fair play for being so up front, alot of blokes dont bother, but I think you need to go one step further and stop leading her on in non verbal ways, i.e. stop spending as much time together as a new couple would spend.
Maybe im wrong, but if you're still not THAT into her at this stage its probably worth cutting contact.

Beruthiel

advice-needed45 wrote: »

she hasn't been with anyone else since we started hooking up and how she told his girlfriend (her Friend) that she could see it going further. This confused me.

She likes you.
You may have told her it's nothing serious but if someone likes you then it's not like they can just switch that feeling off.
I'm guessing that she is half hoping you will change your mind at some point in the future and consider the relationship more serious than it is now.

Seems to me that if she likes you and is secretly hoping for something more, it would be very cruel of you to continue seeing her.
She will only fall deeper for you and it will all end in tears.
Let her go before it gets to that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.


The more I think about it the more I like her and don't want to finish this thing we have.
as I said in the first post it was hard to get back in with the lads after ditching them before for my ex, I don't want to go down that road again. Next thing I know i'll be at weddings and family gatherings instead of being with the lads.
Also that fact that I would find it very hard to go on a lads night out and not score.

I didn't think we seen much of each other ? Surely 2 days a week out of 7 for a bit of food and sex isn't much ?

Sleepy

You've two sensible choices here:

1) End it, stop contacting her and enjoy having the freedom of being single for as long as you like.

or

2) Formalise the relationship but make it clear you don't want to spend all of your time together, that going out with the boys is important to you and you don't want to give it up. Some compromise may be required e.g. her sister's wedding couldn't really be missed if ye're going out but you won't be going to every christening, family gathering etc. just the odd one leaving you free to spend time with your friends every other weekend / 3 out of every 4 or 1 night per weekend with the lads etc. Obviously, this avenue also means that when you're out with the boys, it's the boys you're out with, not random hookups

I know many happily married couples that would spend most weekends or at least one night a weekend out with their respective friends. Was ditching the lads something your ex insisted on or something you felt obliged to do? Sure, we all lose contact with our friends a bit when we're in relationships but even with two kids and very little disposable income I'd get out with one group of friends or another once a month at least.

Johnny_BravoIII

I've been there and come to the conclusion that you need to be totally honest in both words and actions.
If it is just sex you want then, you cannot act like you are in a relationship.
Ie. it's not fair to say "I just want something physical occasionally" but yet you call round twice a week for her to cook for you, probably enjoying quality time with witty conversation, laughing at each others jokes, getting close. You cannot develop a bond and then just suddenly pull the rug out from under her saying "I told you so".

You have enough information at this point to decide whether this is something you wish to continue with the possibility of it turning into a relationship.

If you clearly don't then be honest and walk away.

davet82

if you are just 'fcuking' you DO NOT go to any family functions - meet family/friends or social outings of this nature, that is what couples do. eating a slice of pizza in your home and having a shag is fine but dont get into her life if you dont want to be in it, its a golden rule.

she sounds like a nice girl and that you like her as a person, do her a favour and let her down now. If you are scoring anyways like you said, it will be easy enough to move on if thats all you are into i reckon

hope this helps

Johnny_BravoIII

The more I think about it the more I like her and don't want to finish this thing we have.

Then why finish it?
For "the lads" is a load of bs. Whilst friends are important, anyone that lives life completely for the sake of their mates is missing the point.

The fact you dumped your mates when the last girl came along is just a reflection on you and not the relationship. It's both possible to have a relationship and friends!!

Oryx

There are a couple of things coming through in your posts.

You seem afraid of 'relationships' because of the issues of your past relationship.
That relationship only ended at Christmas, so youre still on the rebound from all that.
You really like this girl and like spending time with her.
You also want to be single for a while.

From all that, I would reckon that even though you like this woman, and would miss her, now is not the time to have a relationship with her. Youre simply not ready. If you were, you would be saying that to her, not trying to conjure up a way to keep her on board while still being 'single'.

She sounds to me almost like a safety net for you, both sexually and emotionally. Ideally, you need to not see her for a while, both for your own sake as well as hers. Live properly single. If you still want her when you have all the other stuff out of your system, maybe she will be willing to see you properly then. But for now I think the only fair thing to do is let her go. In spite of you being blunt, it sounds like she is emotionally invested in you.

LegacyUser

I know many happily married couples that would spend most weekends or at least one night a weekend out with their respective friends. Was ditching the lads something your ex insisted on or something you felt obliged to do? Sure, we all lose contact with our friends a bit when we're in relationships but even with two kids and very little disposable income I'd get out with one group of friends or another once a month at least

No I was just blinded by love ha gay but true, only realized when the relationship was coming to an end that I hadn't been making an effort with the lads. It wasn't a control thing it the ex, it was more the kind of relationship we both fell into and just wanted it to be us all time. I use to go for beers but i'd be home id be home early. It wasn't the same as now, Now I go on the piss nearly all weekend. I feel like I have more freedom.

I think I'm just going to have to man up and talk to the girl about how she's feeling, and tell her what i'm feeling.
Hopefully it's a simple case of keeping things the way they are. I think for now I just want a fu*k buddy and someone for a bit of company once in a while. don't think I could go through the whole emotions and all that crap again.

Abi

advice-needed45 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.


The more I think about it the more I like her and don't want to finish this thing we have.

And this is how she is going to get hurt. You want to keep her but want to keeping seeing other women. What She is quite obviously hoping is you'll turn around eventually, because the boundaries have become a bit frayed by the sounds of things.

In my opinion, your home should not have become a base where you watch tv together and eat. I thinking the socialising should be done out of the home and only using your home as a base for sex. It just got a bit too cozy by the sounds of it, and now you've a girl on your hands that wants more.

So it's decision time. Nobody said you cannot have friends and a girlfriend, you shut them out of your life last time. A decent girl will have no issue with you spending time with the lads.

If however, you want to continue seeing other women then the most selfless thing you can do is let her go. Yes, you'll miss her for a bit, but just like after your break up you will deal with it and find your feet again.

Just do the right thing, whichever road that takes.

Daisy M

Your fear of history repeating itself is holding you back. You are 5 years older than when you got together with your ex and I presume that in that time you have changed somewhat learn from what happened then but dont allow your fears to stop your life taking shape.

Does this girl actually know that you have been with many others during the time she has been seeing you? I think you should be straight with her about it, she may be under the illusion that because she hasnt been with anyone neither have you. If you only want someone for a bit of fun then it doesnt sound as though this girl fits the bill.

rainbowtrout

advice-needed45 wrote: »

No I was just blinded by love ha gay but true, only realized when the relationship was coming to an end that I hadn't been making an effort with the lads. It wasn't a control thing it the ex, it was more the kind of relationship we both fell into and just wanted it to be us all time. I use to go for beers but i'd be home id be home early. It wasn't the same as now, Now I go on the piss nearly all weekend. I feel like I have more freedom.

I think I'm just going to have to man up and talk to the girl about how she's feeling, and tell her what i'm feeling.
Hopefully it's a simple case of keeping things the way they are. I think for now I just want a fu*k buddy and someone for a bit of company once in a while. don't think I could go through the whole emotions and all that crap again.

You said in your OP that she has said to her friend that she can see things going further, she wants more than you do.

Even if you tell her again that you don't want a relationship, she might nod and agree, but will be hoping that you change your mind. It will lead to a messy 'break up' down the road, when she becomes frustrated because you won't commit like she was hoping you would, and you feel no guilt because you're doing what you always stated you wanted.

You want friends with benefits, she wants more. Leave her go unless you are ready to commit to her properly, it's unlikely to end well if things continue the way they are.

davet82

Daisy M wrote: »

Does this girl actually know that you have been with many others during the time she has been seeing you?

tell her, that will be a good indication on how cool she is with the set up, trust me :cool:

gypsy_rose

"Hopefully it's a simple case of keeping things the way they are. I think for now I just want a fu*k buddy and someone for a bit of company once in a while. don't think I could go through the whole emotions and all that crap again."

I really think you should say this to her, maybe word it ever so slightly differently! I commend you for being honest to her but the amount of time you're spending together (not your fault) is giving mixed signals, so you need to nip this in the bud a bit so she doesn't get the wrong impression.

Beruthiel

advice-needed45 wrote: »

as I said in the first post it was hard to get back in with the lads after ditching them before for my ex, I don't want to go down that road again.

You should never have ditched them in the first place. You should never let go of your friends, they will be there when relationships come and go.
You should always spend time with them whither you are in a relationship or not.

Also that fact that I would find it very hard to go on a lads night out and not score.

Well, you can't have your cake and eat it OP.
You either continue spending time with this girl because you say you like her.
Or, you cut her loose and continue seeing other girls.
If you try to do both, you are going to hurt her.
Also, it is selfish of you to continue with her when you know she likes you and will eventually want something more.

I didn't think we seen much of each other ? Surely 2 days a week out of 7 for a bit of food and sex isn't much ?

For the first year or so of my relationship with my now hubby, that's about the amount of time we spent together.
I would consider that amount of time normal if you both have lives and other stuff to do.
You can certainly put money on it that she is seeing you as a b/f at this stage.

LittleBook

advice-needed45 wrote: »

I didn't think we seen much of each other ? Surely 2 days a week out of 7 for a bit of food and sex isn't much ?

advice-needed45 wrote: »

I think for now I just want a fu*k buddy and someone for a bit of company once in a while.

"Once in a while" and "2 days a week" are completely different and you know this.

In the same post where you say you just want a fúck buddy you say this:

advice-needed45 wrote: »

The more I think about it the more I like her and don't want to finish this thing we have.

It's clear that she likes you and, to be honest, while you seem to have been honest with her, what you say doesn't correlate with your actions and I wouldn't blame her for expecting more ... and, believe me, I have little sympathy for people who are clearly told one thing but believe another.

But I don't think you're being clear with her. Tell her you're seeing other people, tell her you just want a "fúck buddy" and nothing more from her, tell her you want to be able to spend two nights a week with her but still score when you go out with the lads.

OR, accept that you have issues around managing relationships (which are all your own) and that maybe you can change this and give it a proper shot with this girl.

To be honest, you don't sound like you want to lose her and she doesn't sound like she wants to be lost.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

I have been ignoring her texts since the weekend, I know bad on my part but just needed to think before seeing her again.


Anyways got a text off her early this morning asking if I was doing anything tonight (we usually meet on a wed) So it went like this
me - not doing anything come over to mine for about 7 and i'll order us some food.
her - could we meet in *** pub instead
me - yeah I don't mind any reason why
her - just don't fancy sitting in that ok
me - should we leave it for another night then if you are not feeling up for it
her - not feeling up for what sex? if you could just see me in the pub that would be cool.

haven't text back yet. Don't know what to make of it kind of scared ? usually its a simple case of "mine later" "yes see you at bla time"

Rang my mate and he reckons it make or break time with her

davet82

i think your mate is right

Fluorescence

Your current arrangement doesn't work - this latest text conversation just proves it. Either break it off with her or ask her to be your gf (which, for all intents and purposes she is right now). She doesn't seem to know where the boundaries are in a fuck-buddy arrangement.

Is a relationship really that scary? Why not try it for a while? It doesn't need to get too serious too fast btw.

Forever Hopeful

OP, as someone who was the girl in this situation, if your heart isn't in it then end it NOW!
She wants all or nothing and has been putting up with in between (not blaming you here, she knew what she was doing) but if you don't give her a full on relationship she will never be happy.
If you have been as honest as you have described then its up to her to protect herself.
She requested to meet you in the pub either to a) try and take your relationship out of the bedroom and become exclusive or b) end it.
If you don't want a full on relationship then walk away and stay away.
This could end up so messy (for both of you).
Good luck!

Abi

advice-needed45 wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.

I have been ignoring her texts since the weekend, I know bad on my part but just needed to think before seeing her again.


Anyways got a text off her early this morning asking if I was doing anything tonight (we usually meet on a wed) So it went like this
me - not doing anything come over to mine for about 7 and i'll order us some food.
her - could we meet in *** pub instead
me - yeah I don't mind any reason why
her - just don't fancy sitting in that ok
me - should we leave it for another night then if you are not feeling up for it
her - not feeling up for what sex? if you could just see me in the pub that would be cool.

haven't text back yet. Don't know what to make of it kind of scared ? usually its a simple case of "mine later" "yes see you at bla time"

Rang my mate and he reckons it make or break time with her

He is right. Shes looking to meet you in public where it is less awkward to walk away from you if she has to. I think it is rude of you to just ignore her texts, you've been availing of all of the fun parts of this but have gone outside the rules in this which has confused her, and made her believe there may be something more to it. You've allowed your home to be a casual place to meet up, and have by all intents and purposes, been acting as a couple.

Meet with her, but just be honest with her. If you want to see other women and you are not ready for commitment, don't be selfish about it. Just tell her you're out.

Lux23

I understand your dilemma and you have been honest with her so I don't think you should feel bad about but it sounds to me that she wants a proper relationship and you can't give her that now so the best thing for both of you is to end it. I have the same thing happen to me so many times, some girls always lie to themselves about this stuff. :rolleyes:

Eve_Dublin

Have been in this girl's shoes, OP. Was "seeing" a guy for almost a year and we spent all of our free time together and did more than just sleep together....hiking, cinema, dinner blah dee blah. Finally asked him what was going on and he tells me he wanted nothing. I was devastated. I kept sleeping with him and like this girl, I hoped he would change his mind. He never did. It was a serious knock to my confidence and I felt like **** for months. Like going through a breakup only without the comfort of knowing the person loved you at one time. Knocked me for six. It'd be selfish to continue with this girl if you don't want a relationship, so please end it and think of her feelings.

Edit: I've also been in your shoes and when the guy suggested he'd move to Spain with me, I knew it was time to end it for good to save his feelings.

December2012

Don't hurt her. You know that she is more invested in this than you are. You also know that even if you say that you're not looking for a relationship, she will laugh it off, get nervous and agree and try to be all "cool, breezy", but then go and tell her friend that she thinks its going to go somewhere.

To do that, would be mean.

Do you want to be mean?

Why not just be single, having loads of fun, casual (safe) sex with other girls (not this one) and nights out with the lads?

Beruthiel

advice-needed45 wrote: »

her - not feeling up for what sex? if you could just see me in the pub that would be cool.

She's not feeling comfortable just meeting you at her place. She is starting to feel used and assumes you only want her for sex.
This is why she moved your meeting to the pub. To see if there is more to this relationship.

Rang my mate and he reckons it make or break time with her

Your friend is correct.
Stop messing her about and make a decision.

LegacyUser

Fluorescence wrote: »

Is a relationship really that scary? Why not try it for a while? It doesn't need to get too serious too fast btw.

Yes it is scary when you are only 23 and only recently out of a 5 year realtionship that was practically like marriage.

December2012 wrote: »

Why not just be single, having loads of fun, casual (safe) sex with other girls (not this one) and nights out with the lads?

I do enjoy being single having casual sex with other girls, but I also like this girl and really enjoy having casual sex with her, she Never fails to please if you get me, infact she is incredibly. But unfortunately i'm a man who will always want more.


So we met last night, reason why she wanted to meet in the bar was cause she fancied a change and a friend from work was playing there (yes I did have to meet some of her work colleagues - awkward) however she introduced me to everyone has her "friend"
We left after 3 drinks, back to mine.
Chat time.

I asked her what kind of relationship did she think we where having she said " casual, fun, but nothing serious" me - "have you slept with anyone else" her - "are we really going to start talking about this"
Anyways with out going in and out and repeating every word for word we had - we had a long chat and we BOTH decided that we would have a casual relationship but nothing serious. keep things the way the are for the moment if it progresses to anything further in the future then let it be.
It all seemed pretty cool and we seemed to both understand what we both want (I hope)

However the weekend is going to be a toughy, I will TRY and not score but I can't say it is going to be easy.

For thoes who said that she's going to end up hurt, she's going to end up hurt either way, we all are - at some point in her life. I'm pretty confident that we both sure of what kind of "relationship" this is. If it ends bad it ends bad, if it gets sloppy i'll just walk , just have to take these chances.

AhInFairness

OP, when you asked if she has slept with anyone else did you also tell her that you have been sleeping with others?

If you did then she can't claim she didn't know what was involved in. If you didn't then I think you need to inform her of your weekend activities.

Personally I think you're kidding yourself that this is a workable situation and by telling her you'll see how things progress you have given her hope for a serious relationship, but I wish you luck with it.

Oryx

I will TRY and not score but I can't say it is going to be easy.

Why is this? Did you tell her you wouldnt? Are you testing how you feel about just seeing her?

Cos we dont need your promises, its nothing to do with us. I just wonder why you feel the need to say this.

LegacyUser

AhInFairness wrote: »

OP, when you asked if she has slept with anyone else did you also tell her that you have been sleeping with others?

Yes she knows I have selpt with others she also admitted to sleeping with other.

Personally I think you're kidding yourself that this is a workable situation and by telling her you'll see how things progress you have given her hope for a serious relationship, but I wish you luck with it.

How else do relationships start ? you start of easy and see how it goes from there. I dont know any relationship that starts off serious at the begining

We both know what kind of relationship we are aiming at. Everyone is different.

Oryx wrote: »

Why is this? Did you tell her you wouldnt? Are you testing how you feel about just seeing her?

No didn't say I wouldn't, it wasn't mentioned in our chat. But im nearly sure she wont, and out of respect of liking the girl i want to give it a proper shot. I know how I feel about her.

AhInFairness

advice-needed45 wrote: »

How else do relationships start ? you start of easy and see how it goes from there. I dont know any relationship that starts off serious at the begining

With all due respect OP, you've gone from not wanting anything serious at all, only wanting a f*ck buddy, wanting to sleep with other women at the weekend to now "seeing how it goes". Generally if you want to make a go of it with someone and see how it goes you don't have to force yourself to not sleep with other women when you go out at the weekend.

advice-needed45 wrote: »

We both know what kind of relationship we are aiming at. Everyone is different.

Sounds like you and this girl are different judging by what you've said throughout this thread. She thinks you'll change your mind and turn this into a proper relationship. You have made it clear in this thread that its not what you want because you clear enjoy living a single life and having casual sex with different people, but now you've told her "we'll see". If you are going to make a go of it then don't have sex with someone different every weekend, and if it is a struggle for you to control yourself you should end things completely.