Do I have a right to be hurt/annoyed?

LegacyUser

A family member of mine who I thought I was pretty close to recently had a baby. Basically i've never been asked to babysit and a comment was made by her that basically stated she didn't think I was capable of minding the child. I'm in my late twenties, i've looked after myself from a very young age and have plenty of experience minding babies. I had to mind a younger sibling the whole time when I was younger due to an alcoholic parent being in the pub quite a bit. I said to parent in conversation the other day that they didn't want me to babysit and they basically said oh well maybe its because i'm used to babies, I had to bite my tongue. A person who I was in school with said to me they thought my sibling was my child as she was with me so often. I'm sick of this kind of scenario arising, where my family don't appreciate that i'm responsible and have looked after myself, am mature etc. I've done more than enough by my actions to prove this.

SunnyDub1

TBH I think your taking it to heart just a little. I'm pretty sure your family member doesn't mean any harm by it and isn't deliberately trying to hurt or upset you.

have you actually offered or suggested to them that you could mind the baby for them ?

Or it also could be the case that they already have their baby sitter who looks after him and don't want to be switching baby sitters around all the time.

For example my Friend will only ever leave her little one with her own mother or partners mother.
The reason being the mothers where the ones who looked after/baby sat her daughter from a young age, and her daughter is use to them, and she feels confident and happy when her daughter is with either of them. But its no offense on the rest of her family/siblings. It's just the simple fact that she wants her daughter in routine, leaving her with someone who knows her daughter and she can trust.
Also she doesn't want to be just shifting her from person to person or house to house either.

Big Bag of Chips

Unless there is more to it than not being asked to babysit a new born, then, no, I don't think you have a right to be annoyed.

I know when my babies were born I rarely went anywhere without them, so didn't really need a babysitter. Also, almost every parent of a newborn thinks that nobody will mind their baby properly!! Especially first time parents. We have our way of doing things and don't trust others to do things the same. The more children we have the more relaxed we get with that, by the way!

My eldest was 18 months before I left him over night... And that was because I was in hospital having our second! Up to that my mother would have watched him for a short time if I had to do something specific that I couldn't bring him with me.

Now with 3, I'll give them to anyone who's willing to take them!

Is there more to this than just not being asked to babysit?

Daisy M

You are probably dealing with a new mother who is been a bit neurotic about who minds her child. Has she actually asked anybody to babysit at all yet and if so do they have children of thei own? I have to admit when I had my first child there werent too many people I would have left him with and I would have to be sure that they knew him well and would have known how to settle him if he needed it. The only ones who had regular frequent contact with him were my sister and sister in law I didint even leave him with my mother as she is not great with babies in my opinion However I did know that no harm would come to him if I left him with other family members but I was afraid that he could become unsettled and crying and I didnt want to put him in that situation, it wasnt that I didnt trust them but I wanted my babs to be happy and settled!!

LegacyUser

The child is not a newborn. Yes I have offered. My parent frequently babysits as do other family members.

tinkerbell

OP, without being too blunt about it, I really think you need to stop thinking that it's all about you. It's nothing to do with you. Some parents are only too happy to offload their kid onto some people, others are more inclined to entrust the task to the people they find most trustworthy. Perhaps she has a certain routine she likes, perhaps she doesn't agree with your method of child minding, etc. Everybody is different. But stop being so self-absorbed, it's HER kid, not yours and you've no right to be getting annoyed that she doesn't want you to mind her child.

The Lovely Muffin

I can see where your coming from OP, but it's her baby and maybe she feels more comfortable leaving her son/daughter with someone who has more experience with childminding.

I wouldn't straight away assume it's something to do with you or that you aren't capable or she doesn't trust you, just that she feels more comfortable leaving her baby with someone who's more experienced with kids.

If it bothers you so much then why not ask your relative about it? It's not something I would do myself, but your relative is the only one who can give you a definite answer as to why they don't ask you to babysit.

curlzy

Yes you have a right to be annoyed.

Not about the babysitting though, that's up to the parents.

What you have a right to be annoyed about, is that the fact that you had to raise yourself and your sibling is being swept under the rug. That's a huge injustice to you. Yes it's much easier for your family to pretend there was never an alcoholic in the family. But there was, and because of that you had to spend your childhood looking after yourself and your sibling. That's a huge injustice and pretending it never happened is a further injustice to you.

If I were you I'd get into counselling OP, if you haven't gone already. You may be still carrying anger and counselling will be a great help with that. It will teach you how to endorse yourself and your feelings. It will help you to stop looking outside yourself for validation. You will learn that what happened back then wasn't your fault, wasn't ok and shouldn't be forgotten and you’ll learn to really and truly understand and believe that. You will learn how to say "actually, I have great experience looking after children, I reared myself and X because ma/da was an alcoholic". You'll be able to walk away and not wait for an answer because you'll know that you're right. Also your family will learn that you won't brush it under the rug to make life easier for them. You might even get an apology that no one stood up for you and helped you.

As a child of an alcoholic myself, yes, you have a right to be annoyed, very very annoyed. Honestly OP, for the child you were and what you went through go and get some counselling if you haven’t already, I honestly can't recommend it highly enough.

Daisy M

Is it a case that this person is the one who you practically had to rear yourself due to parent/parents spending too much time in the pub? Do you now feel hurt that she doesnt trust you who had a huge role in bringing her up but now trusts the parent who let her and you down during your childhoods?

If this is the case then I understand your hurt and confusion but I think you need to take a step back and let them get on with it. Make the most of your own life dont feel the need to be responsible for what they do, you spent long enough doing that. You deserve thanks and recognition for what you did but you are probably never going to get it. From people I know who grew up in similar situations parental denial and sometimes sibling denial seems common. Its easier to pretend it never happened than acknowledge that you messed up other peoples lives. Sad but true.

LegacyUser

Daisy M wrote: »

Is it a case that this person is the one who you practically had to rear yourself due to parent/parents spending too much time in the pub? Do you now feel hurt that she doesnt trust you who had a huge role in bringing her up but now trusts the parent who let her and you down during your childhoods?

If this is the case then I understand your hurt and confusion but I think you need to take a step back and let them get on with it. Make the most of your own life dont feel the need to be responsible for what they do, you spent long enough doing that. You deserve thanks and recognition for what you did but you are probably never going to get it. From people I know who grew up in similar situations parental denial and sometimes sibling denial seems common. Its easier to pretend it never happened than acknowledge that you messed up other peoples lives. Sad but true.

No it's not a sibling, can see why you'd think that though. They blatantly made a statement about how I wouldn't wake up for the child. I said it to parent in question about how X doesn't want me to babysit and they said ah maybe they ask me because i'm used to babies, this comment really annoyed me

SunnyDub1

hurtrelative wrote: »

No it's not a sibling, can see why you'd think that though. They blatantly made a statement about how I wouldn't wake up for the child. I said it to parent in question about how X doesn't want me to babysit and they said ah maybe they ask me because I'm used to babies, this comment really annoyed me

Maybe you should approach the this parent and tell them how you are feeling and how it annoyed you. While also taking all the advice here giving on board.

You need to remember already been mentioned above and without been blunt - they are no in anyway obliged to let you mind their child. And if their comments are upsetting you, you should really speak to them.

majority of us get hurtful comments/remarks thrown at us everyday. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
It's a simple case of picking someone up over it if its bothering you or else just moving on and forgetting about it.

Big Bag of Chips

When you were younger, you used to mind a younger sibling... You are now in your late 20s, so realistically you are NOT used to babies.

Most first time parents aren't used to babies, so don't take that as an insult.

I think your issue is more that your family aren't giving you recognition for what you did as a child, and you are using this mother and her baby as the outlet for your frustration.

She isn't obliged to have you mind the baby. She doesn't NEED you to mind the baby. She has people who mind the baby for her.

Why are you so set on babysitting this child? Why do you feel its something that is being denied to you?

I do think the issue runs deeper and maybe THAT'S what you should be concentrating on sorting out rather than where you are placed in the line of who gets to babysit.

Daisy M

I am going to disagree with you on this one big bag of chips:)

It is her baby and she needs to feel comfortable about whatever babysitting arrangements she puts in place. But she did not need to criticise the op behind her back she could have said that the nan likes to mind the baby and left it at that . Whomever went back carrying the tale of what was said about the op was very petty, surely they would have know you would be hurt by the comment. Personally I would start to have a lot less contact with these people.

Taltos

Hi OP
am going to approach this a little differently.

In terms of who she chooses for babysitting - well it is her prerogative and as much as you want to babysit she has every right to say no, and really has no reason to justify herself. However, her response was a little out of order, but if that is what she thinks well..

Now - onto your quote - this jumped out at me

hurtrelative wrote: »

I'm sick of this kind of scenario arising, where my family don't appreciate that i'm responsible and have looked after myself, am mature etc. I've done more than enough by my actions to prove this.

Why do you care?
Yes they are your family, but you don't have to prove yourself to anyone nor should you try. Maybe take this event as the prompt to move on from caring how they see you. Just try to learn to be happy in yourself and get on with the life you want to lead.

Look at all the good you have done - pretty much raised your own sibling - that feat for the child you must have been at the time is something to be proud of. I can only imagine when you think back on those times you shudder with the bad memories - but you were there for a child that needed help and you stepped up.

Again - regarding the babysitting - accept it, and move on. Her comment was not nice but clearly she doesn't know you as well as she thinks she does - and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone else but yourself...

Big Bag of Chips

Daisy M wrote: »

But she did not need to criticise the op behind her back she could have said that the nan likes to mind the baby and left it at that . Whomever went back carrying the tale of what was said about the op was very petty, surely they would have know you would be hurt by the comment. Personally I would start to have a lot less contact with these people.

I'm always very slow to take as gospel anything I haven't heard with my own ears! Very often people misinterpret, embellish etc what someone else says.

OP, I do agree with Daisy M on everything she says, though... Even if she doesn't agree with me

I also agree with Taltos, I think you are putting too much emphasis on this babysitting issue, and using that as a reflection of how you think your family view your abilities. Personally, I don't think it goes as deep as that with them, but also I dont think you should feel the need to "prove" to them.

If she asked you to babysit... even once... do you think that would make everything ok, for you?

LegacyUser

Just to clarify, she said it while I was there.

Daisy M

Sorry but I find your posts a little disjointed. Am I correct in thinking a relative of yours but not a sibling has never taken you up on you offers to babysit but gets a lot of other family members to. The subject was brought up in front of you and this relative then said she wouldnt trust you to wake up if the baby cried. If this is the case and you know for sure such a comment was made and you feel its unfair then in my opinion you have two choices. You can choose to let it go or you can let her know how you feel about her poor judgement of your caracter and how hurtful her comment was.

As I said previously I didnt leave my children with many people but this was because I was worried about my baby making strange and been unsettled with people they didnt know well and not because I ever doubted anyones ability to mind my little ones. I just never wanted to put my little ones in a situation where they were unhappy nor would I want to think of friends/family members been stressed trying to settle a baby they werent used of. This situation sounds different, it sounds as though she allows anyone but you mind the baby and she has it in her head your not responsible and doesnt mind saying so, that wouldnt be my idea of a friend.

Big Bag of Chips

OP - I really do think you are taking this far too personally. Of course I don't know the people involved, but from my own personal experience if I didn't ask specific people to babysit it was for a few different reasons...

I rarely left my kids anywhere over night, especially as young babies, not because I didn't trust anyone, but because I didn't expect people to have to get up during the night to feed them. My mother was the only person who ever took them when they were very small (very occassionally!) If she couldn't for whatever reason, then I just wouldn't go wherever it was. I wouldn't think of asking someone else, not because I didn't trust them, but I didn't expect them to be up during the night!

Sometimes when I knew my kids might be unsettled or difficult to settle, I didn't see any point in needlessly putting them through the upset of being in unfamiliar surroundings. It wasn't a reflection on my "babysitters", but as well as not wanting my children needlessly upset, I didn't want the babysitters needlessly stressed.

Nothing in my life was that important that I had to leave them!!:D

Your relative said you wouldn't wake up? Maybe she honestly believes that.. she can't know for certain that you wouldn't, but it could be a genuine concern of hers. Rightly, or wrongly!

If your relatives are as mean to your face as you say, then you need to call them up on it.. the longer you allow them to disrespect you the longer they will continue to do it.

But I wonder how much of this is your own insecurities and you thinking you know what others are thinking, when the reality is very different..?

shinikins

I'm going to chime in here on this, as the same was said to me a few years back. My sister in law had her first child, and everyone was being asked to babysit except me. I was a bit hurt, as I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and offered to do it whenever she needed, I was only up the road and could pop in on short notice if they decided to go to the pub. She told me that there was no way that she would leave the baby with me because I wouldn't know what to do because I hadn't had a child of my own!!

My reaction was very different to yours OP, I laughed and told her that I had changed more dirty nappies than she ever would-I had spent every weekend babysitting to earn money for school and college, and worked full time as a childminder during my summers. I don't know whether my reaction made her sit up and think, or she was shamed into changing her mind(this had happened at a family gathering so pretty much everyone heard) but I was frequently asked to babysit.

Maybe you need to rethink your approach. Tell her that her reaction is wrong, that you are more than capable of minding the child. At the end of the day it will still be her choice to entrust her child to your care, but until you tell her you can do it, she's going to think that you can't!!

December2012

If its not a sibling then I assume it's a sibling in law? If so, what does your sibling, the other parent, think?

If she has an issue with night time, offer to take the baby during the daytime.

As a parent, I would not ask somebody to babysit who was used to children if their parenting techniques or habits were different to mine, eg a smoker, a curser, etc.S

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys. I've realised now that it's more about the way some family members treat me than the babysitting per se.