Lost my dog

LegacyUser

I feel silly posting this but I feel so bad I have to let it out. I live on a farm with my parents; well when I say "live" I mean I come home every weekend (I work in Cork city).
I came home last Saturday lunchtime to some terrible news; our dog had gone missing. He was really old, almost completely deaf with failing sight.I knew he was going to die soon but I didn't think it would end like this. I spent most of Saturday and Sunday searching for him.
It's a reasonable-sized farm (about 70 acres). I searched every dyke, ditch, field, nook and cranny but no sign of him. I have cuts and bruises on my arms and hands, blisters on my feet, not to mention emotional and physical exhaustion.I sit here at my desk back at work this morning having hardly slept last night.
I don't have a girlfriend (I'm 35) or many friends. I loved that dog like a person, he meant everything to me. I don't mind him dying, I just can't bear the thought of him suffering a slow and painful death. He was well looked after (I used to cook chicken of him for him every single weekend to last him the week). I brought him into the house every morning first thing when I got up at the weekend. I dreaded the day he would pass on but it's just the way it happened that upsets me so much.
I know he's "only a dog" and people go through much worse situations with family members etc. but it''s still difficult to accept.
I feel like it's my fault. Thanks for reading.

ABajaninCork

No honey. He wasn't just a dog. He was your best mate. He was a member of your family.

I'm so sorry he's gone. I know just how you feel. I've had five dogs and three cats during my life. Each time they left, it affected me deeply. I felt the pain just as much as losing a (human) member of my family.

My last cat died nearly two years ago. That loss affected me the most as I had brought the cat over from London when I moved here. He really WAS my best mate. I still look towards the top of the stairs where he used to wait for me. I still miss him dreadfully. I have a dog now who I love to pieces and spoil to death. But he's not my cat!

Try to hold on to the thought that you gave him the best possible life. In return, he gave you love, affection, friendship and companionship. That's more than you'd get from a lot of humans believe me.

In time, maybe you could get a cat as a companion when you're in the City. Or perhaps you could get another dog.

Once again, my sympathy goes out to you OP. I hope you'll find your boy and that you'll feel better soon.

All the best!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words ABajaninCork, I know he's dead, he couldn't survive this long without food or water. Like I said, I don't mind him dying,it's just not knowing what happened to him that's upsetting me. I keep thinking of him dying a slow and painful death somewhere, on his own with no-one to help him. I tried to find him, I really did but maybe I didn't try hard enough.
I thought of him all last night and I will all night tonight as well. It goes deeper than this though, I have had problems with depression for some years now, I got really bad there a few years ago when I lost my job. I'm a sensitive person, any hurt or pain to someone or soemthing close to me, I take it to heart.
I got so used to opening the back door and seeing him lying there. He wasn't so active in the last year or so, he used to spend most days asleep and he stopped cuddling up to me like he used to. He didn't react to anything I did, except maybe a little smile when I stroked him.
It didn't matter to me though, him just being there was enough.
It's going to be a tough week.

curlzy

Don't feel silly. You've lost your best friend and someone who was part of your family, of course you're upset. And not knowing what's happened to him is distressing.

If he was old he would have just found somewhere to lie down and then passed on. It's the way of it sometimes with old cats and dogs, they just go off and lie down and that's it. I very much doubt it was slow or painful OP. He probably just slipped off in his sleep very peacefully. If he was upset or distressed he wouldn't have wondered off, he would have stayed close to home. Please don't upset yourself even more by imaging sad things : (

Here's a poem that helped me when my cats died. The first cat had been with me through some pretty horrific things and he always was there to give me cuddles and kitty kisses. The other two were beautiful little sisters that were just bundles of joy and mischief. I miss them all still. I'm not religous but for some reason this poem gave me comfort.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

ABajaninCork

curlzy wrote: »

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... [/SIZE][/FONT]

Every time I read that poem, I'm in floods of tears. I'm crying now as I type this. It's such a beautiful poem, and it too gives me great comfort that I WILL see my animals again.

OP - I too hope you'll find comfort in this. I know I have...

iguana

You know OP sometimes animals know when they are going to die and they go off to find a comfortable spot to do it in. It's just their way. If your dog was less mobile and not prone to wandering due to that then it's very possible that he went off to find somewhere he could die alone. It might seem strange to us but it's what he would have found comfort in, rather than being scared and in pain.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

You know OP sometimes animals know when they are going to die and they go off to find a comfortable spot to do it in. It's just their way. If your dog was less mobile and not prone to wandering due to that then it's very possible that he went off to find somewhere he could die alone. It might seem strange to us but it's what he would have found comfort in, rather than being scared and in pain.

Someone said that to me as well, I know it is common among dogs. I hope that's what happened, that he just passed away peacefully somewhere. I just have no way of knowing. I never got a chance to say goodbye properly. I left home the Sunday night before in a rush, I normally give him a cuddle before I go back to Cork. Little did I know I'd never see him again.

curlzy

See op? You're not being silly. The vast majority of people have lost pets and anyone lucky enough to have been very good friends with an animal knows how heart breaking this is. Don't suppress your grief, let it out. Maybe take a day off if being in work is very hard at the moment? *big hugs*

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

See op? You're not being silly. The vast majority of people have lost pets and anyone lucky enough to have been very good friends with an animal knows how heart breaking this is. Don't suppress your grief, let it out. Maybe take a day off if being in work is very hard at the moment? *big hugs*

No, I was determined to come into work today, despite being exhausted. I knew if I stayed at home I would be dwelling on it. I cried into my breakfast cereal, had a little cry in the traffic on the way to work, I've managed not to in work, thankfully there are a couple of people missing today and the 'phone hasn't rang.
It's when I am on my own it will hit me the most. My mom has been helpful, I can call her when I feel down. My sister has been texting me, I know she knows I am an isolated person and things like this always hit those kind of people harder. I just keep thinking back to the happy times we had together.
Thanks to all those who have expressed concern.

curlzy

I know what you mean when you say crying into your cereal. I was there when I lost my kitties. Cried into my lunch, in the car, the shower, walking to the shop, in bed at night, pretty much whenever a memory of them would come into my head and I'd feel the loss like someone had pulled out my heart. It is very very hard. Well done for carrying on and going into work, but don't feel like you have to push down those feelings. It's important to let them out, so put some time aside to be sad too. I think crying is a hugely important part of healing so don't try not to cry. It's great that your mam and sister are there for you, don't be afraid to tell them how you're feeling.

strandroad

OP, I know what you're feeling. If it's of any consolation, I also think that your dog felt that his time is coming and hid to pass away on his own. Animals do that and always have done. My family cat was 14 and getting weaker; she was always sleeping with my dad but one night after she was very affectionate in the evening my dad woke up to see that she's not with him. In the morning he found her in a room across the house she never liked to go into; she was curled up and looked very peaceful. She just didn't want to die while with him it seems, she needed her own time and space.

Don't be ashamed to cry and allow yourself to miss him. It will pass to a degree but you will always have this bittersweet feeling looking back. After a while you may find another pet to take care of; maybe you can rescue a dog and give him a great life in the memory of the dog you lost now.

LegacyUser

A lot of people have suggested getting another dog, I appreciate the suggestion but no it hurts too much. I don't want to get attached to a dog over years and then go through teh pain of losing him/her.
It's not my place to decide this as it's my Dad's decision but I hope he will respect my wishes.
There'll never be another dog like him. He was scraggy, his hair was falling out and he didn't even have a proper tail but I'd give anything to have him back right now.

chickenbutt

I'm really sorry OP. I know losing a pet can be very hard. A few weeks ago a lady at my work was talking about how she lost her dog that week and started crying as she was talking about all the life experiences she went through while her dog was with her. It's tough for everyone. I don't know if this helps, but I thought this video I saw a few years ago was lovely. It makes me cry every time I hear it.

Mod Note: Linking youtube is strictly prohibited by our charter, please take the time to review the rules.
Video reference: Jimmy Stewart Reads a Poem About His Dog Beau on "The Tonight Show" - Johnny Carson - 1981

Midnight Sundance

Aw reading your post made me cry! I'm sorry to hear about your pet! They really do become like family. It will get a bit easier with time but that's no consolation at the moment.
Best of luck getting over the loss of your dog, would you consider getting another one in the future?

LegacyUser

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

Best of luck getting over the loss of your dog, would you consider getting another one in the future?

No, I can't face losing another one. Thank God the day is almost over. I had to wear long sleeves in work today so nobody would see the cuts I got on my arms from frantically looking through hedges at the weekend. I never want to go through anything like that again.

barbiegirl

lemmy_99 I know your dog was your best friend and how heart broken you are. You have me crying here in work, just thinking about it. My two have helped get me through my dads sudden death and 3 miscarriages, I'd be lost without them.

But don't when the time is right turn your back on the love that another dog can give. Remember all the good times, all the love, the laughs, the fun. There are lovely dogs crying out for someone to love them as much as you need that special being to love you. Hopefully you will find one another. Maybe a rescue, maybe not. What I'm trying to say is that unfortunately the joy of pet ownership is always tinged with the knowledge that we will probably outlive them, but the terrible pain of the loss if just the reflection of the joy they once brought to you life. Let that light shine into your life again, at some point, when you are ready.

Big hugs

LegacyUser

barbiegirl wrote: »

the joy of pet ownership is always tinged with the knowledge that we will probably outlive them, but the terrible pain of the loss if just the reflection of the joy they once brought to you life.

That's true. Apologies to all those who have read this that have lost pets themselves and are having unpleasant memories brought back by reading this.
I amnpt so bad today, yesterday was much worse. The evenings are the worst, I think about him more when I have nothing to do. I call my mom and she is great comfort to me, although I feel bad burdening here with my downbeat mood.
She said that last night that she won't be there forever for me and that if I had a girlfriend she would cheer me up at a time like this.
I know that's true; animals are no substitute for human contact. As a person with limited social skills I missed my dog more than someone with a girlfriend/lots of friends would if the same thing happened to them.
My sister is married with a family and lots of friends and she has been sympathetic to me over this but I know she just feels sorry for me because of my isolated situation. She means well though.
So my reaction to losing my dog has just brought to the fore what a pathetic person I am.
I've already lost interest in lots of things I used to love, I feel apathetic and really depressed after this.
Sorry about all this.

RuailleBuaille

I'm sorry for your loss OP, and for the way it all played out. Will you go home again soon? Maybe you and your family could put a little memorial for him somewhere on the farm, you know, and have a little ceremony? We do it for other family members, why not for your dog that you loved for so many years? (When you're ready ofc) Sorry again, it is so hard but one day you'll be able to think of him and it won't hurt so much. Best of luck.

EGAR

Someone once said to me that their only fault is their short life...

I hope you can find closure.