Feel cheap

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm female, in my late twenties. I've just discovered something tonight that has really upset me and I feel so ashamed of myself.

Last year, I was meeting a guy I really liked for a few months. I knew he didn't want anything more than just a casual relationship which I accepted, basically cause I was crazy about him. Subsequently discovered he had about five women on the go at the same time so I finished things with him. He didn't actually do anything wrong, but I felt so cheap knowing that I was just one of many. This really knocked my confidence and I suppose I became a little bit insecure.

This year I met a guy who was amazing. He was so caring, kind, honest and I knew I could trust him. We had a brief relationship, but unfortunately, because of his depression, he could not commit to anything while he was not ok himself. His choice. I was devastated but I loved him so much I just wanted him to get better.

So, back on the single scene. About 6 weeks ago I was out in a pub, guy starts chatting me up. He seems really nice and we had mutual friends so we ended up hitting it off. We went back to mine. I told him nothing was going to happen as I was still cut up about the last relationship. We just chatted and kissed and then I left him sleep on the couch cause he said it was too late to head home. Next morning I made coffee while he nursed his hangover, he then tells me not to mention kissing him last night to any of my friends and that he was in a relationship with a girl from abroad and they were planning on moving in together as soon as she was back in the country during the summer. I just felt so cheap and dirty.

Then last night I met a guy in a club that I had been chatting to last year. He was so sweet and quite shy, partly the reason I was attracted to him. So we hit it off. We spent the night with my friends and then we all went our separate ways. I went back to his. We had sex and he wanted me to stay for the rest of today but I had plans so just said i'd call him later. We texted during the day, he then suggested we meet up this evening and watch a dvd in mine. I arranged to collect him cause I was passing by his place. Was on my way when I got a text from him saying that he felt ill and was sorry but would have to cancel. I suppose after previous incidents this got me a little anxious and paranoid. I don't know anything about him other than how lovely he seemed to be. So I did a quick facebook check . "In a relationship"since 2009. Loads of pictures with him and a girl who I'm guessing is the girlfriend. I just feel sick right now. My friends have been asking all day about him and commenting on how lovely he was. I wasn't the only one fooled. I just feel so sorry for the girl. I feel sick myself cause I have a feeling he is actually living with her. Just a few things around his room has given me this impression. He did tell me he has a female housemate. I just feel so cheap, used, degraded and totally and utterly hopeless. I needed to get this off my chest tonight. Sorry it was so long-winded.

I am a friend

It's really not a reflection on you, or his girlfriend, it's all about him.

I honestly think, if it were me, that I would post something like "hope you are feeling better honey, text me later when you are ready to come over for that 'dvd'! " on his Facebook wall.

Whatever you do, don't meet him again and don't beat yourself up.

ted1

land him in it, and post a message on his wall saying how much you enjoyed the other night, or if the girl in the picture is tagged, send her message.

she deserves to know what kind of tosser she is with.

SunnyDub1

I am a friend wrote: »

It's really not a reflection on you, or his girlfriend, it's all about him.

I honestly think, if it were me, that I would post something like "hope you are feeling better honey, text me later when you are ready to come over for that 'dvd'! " on his Facebook wall.

Whatever you do, don't meet him again and don't beat yourself up.

ted1 wrote: »

land him in it, and post a message on his wall saying how much you enjoyed the other night, or if the girl in the picture is tagged, send her message.

she deserves to know what kind of tosser she is with.

IMO don't do either of these - that's just dragging youself into someone else's sh*t that is really none of your business.


The guy is an arsehole for doing what he is doing but at the end of the day, thats for is girlfriend to find out for herself. Which she soon will I'm sure. Cheats always get caught out in the end.
no point in dragging yourself into it. From my own experience you are only going to feel worse for it. Move on forget about him, don't acknowledge texts or calls from him.


It sounds like you are just a little unlucky lately when it comes to guys - It happens. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Without sounding harsh maybe you should be doing a little back round check and find out more about a guy you meet on a night out before jumping into bed with them straight away.


Just cool back from guys for a while, you seem to always meet someone new on a night out. Go out and a enjoy a night with your Friends and leave it at that... You don't need a guy in your life at the moment if they are makig you feel the way you are feeling.
You will eventually meet someone who has respect for you and genuinely interested in you.

chocolatrose

Most definitely don't get yourself involved in any drama concerning him and his girlfriend, however tempting it may be. You don't need all that hassle. That's his problem!

The best thing is to put the incident behind you completely and try to look after yourself. Maybe take time out from guys when your insecure like this because you will only damage your confidence more by getting involved with the wrong guys like that pr**k. You are worth more than that.

Johnny_BravoIII

Guy1 - basically said he just wanted sex. You accepted this on the premise that he didn't mean what he said.

Guy2: depression. Unlucky.

Guy3: Drunk score in a pub. Why did you bring him home?

Guy4 : Drunk score in nightclub which turned into a Ons. Why did you go back to his place?

You are clearly not the type to sleep with stranger. Why do you continue to do so?

You have no problems attracting interest from guys.
Don't jump into physical relationships immediately.
You know nothing about these guys. Get to know them over 3-5 dates first. Even date a buch of guys at the same time if you wish.

newport2

Long shot here, but maybe confirm he's in a relationship first. As a bloke, I don't exactly update my Facebook page on a regular basis. I remember a few years ago someone said to me "I didn't know you were dating someone". I said I wasn't. They had seen "in a relationship" on my Facebook. I had changed it a year or two before, but never changed it back when it ended. Never even entered my head!

It is possible he was dating someone from 2009, broke up with her since then and never changed the status.

That said, the most likely scenario is what you're suspecting. :mad: I hope it isn't. Good luck.

The Lovely Muffin

Definitely do NOT contact the girl you suspect is his girlfriend and do not post on his wall or anything.

Block him from you Facebook, don't have any contact with him, just ignore him and move on.

As suggested by other posters, don't jump into bed straight away when you meet a guy, get to know him first and if all goes well, take things further.

LegacyUser

Op here again. Thanks for all the replies. I just want to make it clear that all these incidents happened over the last year. A year before that I didn't meet one guy, even for a date. I had just come out of a 7 year long relationship so just needed to be by myself. All in all, over the last two years I have slept with 3 people. One I had a relationship with, another one who was just a casual fling and the one the other night was just me being desperate for some excitement. Literally they have been the only guys I have been with for two years. For the poster who asked why I brought the other guy home? Well I don't really know why I did either when I knew nothing was going to happen, I suppose I was being a bit needy, as in I wanted to feel like someone wanted to be with me after the two episodes of rejection previously.

Anyway, I texted the guy from the other night just to see if he wanted to go for a drink and really to see if he does in fact have a girlfriend. He texted saying sorry for being dishonest with me, don't think he is an asshole, he has a girlfriend and he hopes this doesn't upset me. I couldn't resist texting back, just saying is it serious or is the relationship kind of over? He replied saying it was very serious and temptation got the better of him and I was too hot. I felt like I was going to throw up at that point. I didn't text back and about an hour later he texted to say he really wanted to meet up with me but this would be the only time! Needless to say I didn't respond.

I was talking to a friend about it just now. She said she thinks that because of my age, alot of men my age have girlfriends or wives and they are probably just looking for a bit of excitement. I just feel like crap. I was happy and confident when I had nothing to do with men, I just crave that feeling now.

Anyway thanks for all the words of advice. I certainly won't be attempting to contact him again. I don't want to have to see his face again.

dellas1979

Op you are single and youre making it clear youd like to meet someone. There is certainly nothing wrong with that!!

2 scenarios here really:
a. Stay single for a while, dont go near men, and enjoy yourself

b. If you are adamant that you want a relationship, or a bit of fun, or whatever, make sure that you are wary and that you vet them a little more. This includes if you are going to sleep with guys you barely know (again nothing wrong with this) but my point is be prepared for the minefield that is dating. You are not the first and certainly wont be the last to meet guys like this, its just how you handle it.

SunnyDub1

feel like a fool wrote: »

Anyway, I texted the guy from the other night just to see if he wanted to go for a drink and really to see if he does in fact have a girlfriend. He texted saying sorry for being dishonest with me, don't think he is an asshole, he has a girlfriend and he hopes this doesn't upset me. I couldn't resist texting back, just saying is it serious or is the relationship kind of over? He replied saying it was very serious and temptation got the better of him and I was too hot. I felt like I was going to throw up at that point. I didn't text back and about an hour later he texted to say he really wanted to meet up with me but this would be the only time! Needless to say I didn't respond.

Are you actually being serious saying he is not an arsehole ? The guy is in "very serious relationship" but yet he's out ripping his girlfriend off.. yeah real nice guy there, what a charmer... It's his girlfriend I feel sorry for the most out if all of this.


IMO you really shouldn't have contacted or replied to his texts at all. You made the right move not replying to his last text.

I was talking to a friend about it just now. She said she thinks that because of my age, alot of men my age have girlfriends or wives and they are probably just looking for a bit of excitement. I just feel like crap. I was happy and confident when I had nothing to do with men, I just crave that feeling now.


Anyway thanks for all the words of advice. I certainly won't be attempting to contact him again. I don't want to have to see his face again.

I think your friend is right in a way. There are plenty of single me in your position, unfortunately you just haven't met anyone yet. They will soon come along, when you least expect, 9/10 it's when you are not out looking
I also think you are coming across a little to needy to these guys and letting the ball stay in their court.
If someone is interested in you let them come to you and show their interest.
Don't be bringing guys home just for company, it's not fair on you or them and can lead to false hopes all round. You need to just stay clear of men for a while and enjoy your life.

Distorted

The common denominator is that you enabled these situations by getting involved (ie spending the night with or without sex) with men you barely knew. So you either ask them outright if they are single and judge by their reactions, or give them your number or take theirs and contact them again for a date before spending the night with them. Should pretty much solve the problem unless they are very skillfull liars.

Kooli

I'm sorry to hear that OP. I've been there in the past and it's really horrible when you're left with that 'cheap' feeling after discovering you've been used/taken for a ride.

These were not good guys. My advice to you would be to stop putting so much faith in their 'niceness' on a night out. Niceness and goodness are not the same thing. So a guy being good to chat to, complimentary, polite, a good laugh, whatever boxes these guys ticked for you - maybe you need to think what boxes you are looking to get ticked? Because any guy can be cool and nice on a night out, but it certainly doesn't make them a good guy.

That's not to say I'm blaming you for what happened. These guys acting like pr*cks is not something you caused or invited. But maybe you're antenna for a guy being a douche weren't finely tuned enough because you took 'niceness' to mean 'goodness'.

Try not to go too far the other direction (trusting no one, assuming every guy is a jerk), but don't be fooled anymore.
Good luck!

December2012

Hi OP,

You seem to invest a lot of yourself in these flings before they turn into anything. To me, having somebody back to your house to satisfy a hole caused by rejection indicates that you are lonely, and want to be loved, and there is nothing wrong in that. There is also nothing wrong in bringing somebody home or sleeping with them the night you meet them, if you can handle the vulnerability that it brings.

But you are picking the wrong men, and you are allowing them to pick you.

If you really want to meet somebody and have a real relationship, maybe you should do some work on yourself for a while, speak to a counsellor, etc.

Get rid of any overhanging habits or problems you are dealing with.

LegacyUser

I'm not the op but I was used last year and it was rotten and it took a toll on me. I do not invest too early into guys and play it cool and casual but it was the situation of promising too much, delivering nothing and fceking off on a whim when hauled upon that got to me. I found it difficult to understand and I was used and abused. I felt awful for ages and so confused. He was so nice and charming.

I know how you feel op. My advice would be to take a break away from men and work on yourself, treat yourself well and do what you like.

Kooli wrote: »

Try not to go too far the other direction (trusting no one, assuming every guy is a jerk), but don't be fooled anymore.
Good luck!

I've taken a break away now for some time away from men and I am getting better and that situation is behind me and I am ready to move on but I've now taken this stance seeing all men in a bad light which is irrational because everyone is different and just being repulsed by men and seeing them as selfish.

Nothingbetter2d

feel like a fool wrote: »

Subsequently discovered he had about five women on the go at the same time so I finished things with him.

get an sti check

LegacyUser

You need to stop sleeping with guys and getting so emotionally involved a few hours after meeting them.

You need to spend a while getting to know them, making sure they're not hiding you from their friends, families, girlfriends, and then if it feels right, look at moving to the next stage.

I'm not saying sleeping with someone on the first night is wrong, but it's not for everyone, and it clearly doesn't seem to be working for you so a change in tactics is required.

Spend some time alone, then look at establishing something slowly, without sex on the first date.

LegacyUser

ted1 wrote: »

land him in it, and post a message on his wall saying how much you enjoyed the other night, or if the girl in the picture is tagged, send her message.

she deserves to know what kind of tosser she is with.

I'd personally advise against this. It's a pretty low and cowardly move. Personally I don't like to conduct this sort of drama on FB but some do for some reason.

He was out of order, just forget him IMO.

msg11

feel like a fool wrote: »

Anyway, I texted the guy from the other night just to see if he wanted to go for a drink and really to see if he does in fact have a girlfriend. He texted saying sorry for being dishonest with me, don't think he is an asshole, he has a girlfriend and he hopes this doesn't upset me. I couldn't resist texting back, just saying is it serious or is the relationship kind of over? He replied saying it was very serious and temptation got the better of him and I was too hot. I felt like I was going to throw up at that point. I didn't text back and about an hour later he texted to say he really wanted to meet up with me but this would be the only time! Needless to say I didn't respond.

God help that poor girl he is with, what moron. Why be in a relationship with someone if you just want to piss around behind there backs. Hope shes up too the same behind his back.

LegacyUser

Op here again. Once again thanks for all the replies. I have been so depressed over the last few days. It never really came to the surface before I suppose, or maybe I just blocked it out. I'm feeling so, so lonely. I'm desperately trying to claw back the happiness I felt in my last relationship but I'm obviously going about this the wrong way.

There have been four times in the last two years where guys have paid me attention and I clung to those and have been let down all because I gave too much of myself physically and emotionally. I realise now I desperately need to speak with a professional before this becomes too serious. I am miserable and feel so dirty. My dad left my mother and I when I was 9, I just wonder if my recent activities have been a direct result of this. I'm just freaked out that I'm going to be left alone for the rest of my life.

It's sad to say, but I honestly never realised how deeply, deeply unhappy I am. I just hope I'm brave enough to take the next step. Thank you so much for all your replies. It has woken me up. Regarding the STI testing someone posted about, I haven't had a test in a few years and only recently had a smear test three years after my last. I need to sort myself out. Thanks

KyussBishop

Man that guy is a complete arsehole; if the OP is worried about it coming back on her by outing him, then wait a month or two and then anonymously (and privately) contact his girlfriend and tip her off, she deserves to know, she shouldn't have to waste any more time with him.

The "none of your business" attitude to these situations is, frankly, bullshít; the OP has every right to inform on him, he lied to her and has evidently made her feel like crap by doing so.

It's a common thing on this forum (and other subforums) to see people dissuading others from outing someone, but it just protects these arseholes in the end; people don't have to be dumb about it and cause drama for themselves, it can be done anonymously after time has passed, without personal risk.


OP:
Sorry to hear about your past issues and how they have affected your self-esteem; it may indeed be a good idea to work on the self esteem issues first before looking for a relationship, if it affects you to that extent; it sounds though (my impression from reading the thread), like you will be quite able to manage getting a new relationship, just better to work on things first.

Do consider going to your GP for a referral, or even directly to a psych; it can be tricky finding someone good, but going private usually gets better results.

msg11

feel like a fool wrote: »

Op here again. Once again thanks for all the replies. I have been so depressed over the last few days. It never really came to the surface before I suppose, or maybe I just blocked it out. I'm feeling so, so lonely. I'm desperately trying to claw back the happiness I felt in my last relationship but I'm obviously going about this the wrong way.

There have been four times in the last two years where guys have paid me attention and I clung to those and have been let down all because I gave too much of myself physically and emotionally. I realise now I desperately need to speak with a professional before this becomes too serious. I am miserable and feel so dirty. My dad left my mother and I when I was 9, I just wonder if my recent activities have been a direct result of this. I'm just freaked out that I'm going to be left alone for the rest of my life.

I was feeling the same for the last few months since I broke up with the ex, although a short term relationship. I put alot into it, only for me to end it. I beat myself up about it for months, only in the last three weeks I started to think positive about what has been learned etc from it. I text her over the weekend and we got talking again anyway cut a long story short, it occurred to me that it's all in my head this negative stuff and basically the blockage that was inside my head was lifted. Just saying, you will come around and the haze will lift. Since now moved on from that, and am enjoying my own happiness again !

Sleeping with people you meet within 24 is not good at all. I'm a male, I would not sleep with someone within 24 hours, it would take weeks with me, I need to get to know someone before having sex. There's so much emphasis placed on sex in society these days, people feel like it's the core of a relationship when in fact it wouldn't be, even at the core of your peers is the topic of sex. The core of the relationship is someone who is there for you in your worst, best and everything in between. It's hard to find someone that fits, but starting on foundations where you have slept with them in the first 24 hours wouldn't be exactly the foundations for a successful relationship well not 98% of the time !

Maybe take some time out from the dating game, find yourself again, you seem to be awfully caught up in it trying to find someone and getting extremely frustrated at not finding someone. Do hope it works out for yourself, you seem like a nice person that gets caught up with total gob****es. Best of luck.

You wouldn't know about contacting the GF either, not that it would turn ugly or anything. Maybe she knows and just loves him too much to address the true issue with him, that's an entirely different issue though.

Sala

I don't understand why people often tell people not to get involved in other peoples relationships in these situations - if it was me, and a women told me she didn't know he was in a relationship and she slept with him I would respect her for being a complete stranger but doing the right thing

newport2

Sala wrote: »

I don't understand why people often tell people not to get involved in other peoples relationships in these situations - if it was me, and a women told me she didn't know he was in a relationship and she slept with him I would respect her for being a complete stranger but doing the right thing

I agree, but I don't think Facebook is the place to do it as someone suggested here. His girlfriend didn't do anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be humiliated publically in front of all her friends. And not all "friends" on Facebook are friend, possibly colleagues, family, etc too. If the OP is going to tip her off, it should be privately.

SunnyDub1

Sala wrote: »

I don't understand why people often tell people not to get involved in other peoples relationships in these situations - if it was me, and a women told me she didn't know he was in a relationship and she slept with him I would respect her for being a complete stranger but doing the right thing

I agree in a way, But under OP circumstances and the way she is currently feeling over the situation I think she is better off just staying clear as she will only make herself feel worse, dragging herself into other peoples sh*t.

What happens if the guy denies it to his gf and the gf believes him over her. I've seen this happen before and the girl who approach the gf felt worse for it.

the guy is a cheat and is bound to be found out sooner or later, I just don't think Op is in the right state or position to be approaching his gf.

She needs to clear her head and move on from it.

KyussBishop

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

I agree in a way, But under OP circumstances and the way she is currently feeling over the situation I think she is better off just staying clear as she will only make herself feel worse, dragging herself into other peoples sh*t.

What happens if the guy denies it to his gf and the gf believes him over her. I've seen this happen before and the girl who approach the gf felt worse for it.

the guy is a cheat and is bound to be found out sooner or later, I just don't think Op is in the right state or position to be approaching his gf.

She needs to clear her head and move on from it.

She can inform on him without getting involved at all, by contacting his girlfriend anonymously after a time, without receiving any contact back from her; she doesn't have to hear or care about anything that happens thereafter, it will be in the girlfriends hands to decide what to do with the info.

Simple as waiting a month or two, then creating a once-off email and/or Facebook account, and privately messaging her (stating its a once-off message), then never visiting the accounts again and not responding to replies.

jellygems

KyussBishop wrote: »

She can inform on him without getting involved at all, by contacting his girlfriend anonymously after a time, without receiving any contact back from her; she doesn't have to hear or care about anything that happens thereafter, it will be in the girlfriends hands to decide what to do with the info.

Simple as waiting a month or two, then creating a once-off email and/or Facebook account, and privately messaging her (stating its a once-off message), then never visiting the accounts again and not responding to replies.

but why bother to be spiteful? she should chalk it up to exp and move on

let his gf worry about him

KamiKazeKitten

jellygems wrote: »

but why bother to be spiteful? she should chalk it up to exp and move on

let his gf worry about him

How is his gf meant to be worrying about him if she doesn't have a clue what he's done? I don't see it as being spiteful, I see it as a kindness to the poor girl who got cheated on. The guy doesn't like it? Tough shít, he shouldn't have gone behind her back and done the dirt.

Op, I would send the gf a private message if she's tagged in any of his pics, she deserves to know what her boyfriend has done and can make a decision once she has the info.

KyussBishop

jellygems wrote: »

but why bother to be spiteful? she should chalk it up to exp and move on

let his gf worry about him

Informing on a person who cheats isn't spiteful; his girlfriend deserves to know the kind of person she is with, and he deserves to be found out.
Who knows how much time she could waste getting ever more emotionally invested in a lying arsehole like that, before she finds out he's been cheating on her.

There's a prevalence of this same attitude I noticed years ago here, when posting on the topic of cheating:
People are routinely dissuaded from informing on cheaters, not to avoid causing trouble for themselves, but because it's "none of their business", they "shouldn't be spiteful" etc.; many do genuinely make the (perfectly valid) point based upon avoiding drama, but it's a disgraceful attitude many others have which is basically aimed at protecting people who cheat.

Would be good to see more people challenge this; the primary valid argument against getting involved, is how it may come back on you, and in many cases that is a genuine concern.
There are often cases where this is not a concern though, where people can safely be anonymously tipped off after a time; the more that is done and the more socially encouraged that is the better, as there's no better societal discouragement to cheating, than massively increasing the likelihood of being outed.

LegacyUser

Op again. Just wanted to make it clear that I'm not going to contact the girlfriend. One reason behind this decision is because I don't want to think for one more minute about him. Another is because I don't think she is on facebook (she isn't tagged in any of his pictures). To be honest I don't think I'm in right frame of mind anyway. If I could see things clearly and think it was 100% the right thing to do, than perhaps, but I really don't want the added stress of having somebody attack me either if it turned out to be the wrong move.

Powerhouse

feel like a fool wrote: »

Then last night I met a guy in a club that I had been chatting to last year. He was so sweet and quite shy, partly the reason I was attracted to him. So we hit it off. We spent the night with my friends and then we all went our separate ways. I went back to his. We had sex and he wanted me to stay for the rest of today but I had plans so just said i'd call him later.

I haven't read through all the replies so I'm not sure if this will be the only 'unsupportive' reply. but frankly if you are going to immediately sleep with someone whose credentials you are not sure about there's not much point in feeling 'dirty and cheap' (again).

It is a pity when people do what he did when they have partners but this is real life and people do that. In that context you might need to take more responsibility for your own actions and stop feeling sorry for yourself afterwards. Have casual sex by all means if you wish but you know the rules in advance.

up for anything

OP, you need the 'ten' date rule if sleeping with someone you fancy, just after meeting them, leaves you feeling dirty and cheap. If the guy fancies you for more than a quick shag he will make an effort to make arrangements to see you again. Otherwise the chances are that he is already in a relationship of some sort.

Leaving it a few dates before you have sex with someone is a good idea, a bit like the cooling off period in a loan/HP agreement. There may be times when you feel like nothing more than a shag from a lad and that's alright too just so long as you tell him to expect nothing more than that from you.