Dont know where i stand

LegacyUser

Hi I need some advice on my love life as im feeling abit confused at the moment.

I have been dating a bloke for 3 months now who I met online. We have met up quite a few times and have been meeting up most weekends. I met a couple of his mates a few weeks back and ive briefly met his parents, although I get the impression he didn’t want me to meet them but he does live with them and I am round his house most weekends.

When I am with him everything’s all good and it seems like he is really into me, I feel like it could have the potential to develop into something more serious. Last week he texted saying he loved me but he was really, really drunk so im pretty sure that doesn’t count! However when I’m not with him he hardly ever gets in contact with me and its normally me who has to text him first, he does always get back to me but it can take hours sometimes. He also logs onto his dating account every day. I know that he can be busy with work and stuff so can’t always text but he always seems to make time for the dating website, at first it didn’t bother me but as time has gone on it is starting to bug me as I don’t know where I stand. I don’t think hes using me for sex as we don’t have everytime we meet, he lives an hour away which is why we normally just meet at weekends although we have met up in the week before.

Hes working this weekend so I haven’t seen him but he hasn’t got in contact with me since wed, and even then it was me who had to text him first. After dating for 3 months would u expect someone to show more commitment if they were really into you? Or am I just being impatient? I don’t want to waste my time with someone whos in that into me but I don’t want to give up too easily as I do really like him. By the way we are both in our 20’s

I know it would be a lot easier to just ask him but im too scared, I don’t want to scare him off and I know he went through a tough time with his ex, and also I have a fear of rejection. Sorry if this is a really long post im not really used to writing on forums and I wanted to get every last detail in, it would be great if someone could get back to me with their opinions/advice.

coco_lola

Three months in, you've slept together, met his parents and friends, and he's still on a dating site?! I wouldn't be beating around the bush any more OP, I'd say it straight out to him. I can't say whether or not he's interested in you because some men just aren't big texters, but I'd at least expect some level of commitment after that amount of time.

LegacyUser

stressed_out_lady wrote: »

Hi I need some advice on my love life as im feeling abit confused at the moment.

I have been dating a bloke for 3 months now who I met online. We have met up quite a few times and have been meeting up most weekends. I met a couple of his mates a few weeks back and ive briefly met his parents, although I get the impression he didn’t want me to meet them but he does live with them and I am round his house most weekends.

When I am with him everything’s all good and it seems like he is really into me, I feel like it could have the potential to develop into something more serious. Last week he texted saying he loved me but he was really, really drunk so im pretty sure that doesn’t count! However when I’m not with him he hardly ever gets in contact with me and its normally me who has to text him first, he does always get back to me but it can take hours sometimes. He also logs onto his dating account every day. I know that he can be busy with work and stuff so can’t always text but he always seems to make time for the dating website, at first it didn’t bother me but as time has gone on it is starting to bug me as I don’t know where I stand. I don’t think hes using me for sex as we don’t have everytime we meet, he lives an hour away which is why we normally just meet at weekends although we have met up in the week before.

Hes working this weekend so I haven’t seen him but he hasn’t got in contact with me since wed, and even then it was me who had to text him first. After dating for 3 months would u expect someone to show more commitment if they were really into you? Or am I just being impatient? I don’t want to waste my time with someone whos in that into me but I don’t want to give up too easily as I do really like him. By the way we are both in our 20’s

I know it would be a lot easier to just ask him but im too scared, I don’t want to scare him off and I know he went through a tough time with his ex, and also I have a fear of rejection. Sorry if this is a really long post im not really used to writing on forums and I wanted to get every last detail in, it would be great if someone could get back to me with their opinions/advice.

I have done online dating in the past and have been upfront from the very beginning as to what I was looking for. If they were not interested or scared off then I can move along. I am the type who does not want to waste my time in addition with the other person's. There can be a number of reasons why he is behaving the way he is. I sensed at first that he may be keeping his options open which means when he finds something better (better for him-nothing against you, OP) he may move onto the next person. You have been seeing each other for three months now, you are both intimate, you met his mates and his parents. If he did not want you to meet his parents, he would have spent the weekends at your place instead avoiding that.......no?

Is your profile still up on the dating site also? If so, he too might take it as you not being serious. Three months of seeing each other, being intimate and meeting his friends and parents AND you both cannot communicate as to what's to follow doesn't sound promising to me, imo. You both are failing at the communication aspect of a relationship. He doesn't contact you (only when pissed?) and when you contact him he takes a long time in responding.

I don't see anything wrong with you asking him at this point. If he decides to run off or get scared then at least it saved you time and less heartache down the line. This is three months, not three dates or three weeks. If his previous relationship left a bad taste in his mouth, I am more inclined to think that he is not ready for a new one yet as he had not gotten over past the hurt. How long was it when he ended this relationship? If it was fairly soon means he is probably not ready to be back on the dating scene. It takes time to heal and I would be wary going out with somebody who has broken off any relationship whether it was amicable or not in a very short span of time. I am not into "serial daters" or "rebound relationships" this reaks of co-dependecy and the inability to be emotionally independent which is a huge turn off to me.

We all have to face up to rejection at some point in our lives whether it regards personal relationships or professional ones. I was the same as you when I was younger but now that I am older and wiser I think it is 10 times worse wasting your precious time with someone who may not want to progress with you just because you were afraid to ask in fear of rejection. Either way it is going to feel the same, the difference is you got rid of him sooner rather than later. This would make you far less stressed out-OP, imo.

coco_lola

justaskhim wrote: »

If he did not want you to meet his parents, he would have spent the weekends at your place instead avoiding that.......no?

That's something else that struck me about this post - do you always go to him, OP, or does he ever go to you?

justaskhim wrote: »

Is your profile still up on the dating site also? If so, he too might take it as you not being serious.

This is something I would look at too. In order for you to see his profile, yours would have to be up there too - he could essentially be thinking the same thing about you, that you are still making time for the site??

Chucky the tree

Sounds to me like he isn't interested and is mainly just seeing you for the sex while he waits until he finds someone he likes more.

Getyourjacket

3 months in and he's still on a dating website? If i were you i'd dump his ass! Fair enough if you guys were seeing eachother for a couple of weeks and he was still online but 3 months in in my eyes is just not good enough.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, you've said what i know deep down but just didn't want to believe i spent so much time with someone whos not into me, especially as it looked promising when i first started seeing him

To answer some of your questions yes my profile is still on the site but i don't log on nearly as much as he does.I haven't met anyone else since i first met him. The only reason i even carried on using is cause i knew he still is which is stupid i know, but i just thought i might as well check my messages seeing as he's obviously still looking, and you don't have to log on to see if other users have been online which is how i know he uses it so much. He hasn't been to my place but has offered but i live with my family too and i'm not as open with mine as he is with his and they don't know about him (i figured there's no reason to tell them seeing as its not even a serious relationship) and tbh i prefer going round his.

Anyway i've decided not to bother contacting him again, if he does have any interest left then he'll get in touch if i don't hear from him then i have my answer. It always seems to be me that gets in touch first and im fed up of chasing, thanks again for all your advice.

Whiteflag12

I'm in a not so different situation to yourself at the mo apart from not having met the parents. Hes also still active on the site, i closed my profile after a few dates as to b honest I had no interest in 'keeping my options open' at that time. I really like him and can see things developing but him logging onto the site is really bugging me! I hvn't broached the subject yet as don't want things to go pear shaped over me raising something that could be innocent enough. Maybe hold off for another few weeks and see what happens, if you're still feeling the same I suggest having a chat with him. I guarantee if it was the other way round he would probably have mentioned it by now. Chin up :-)

coco_lola

I don't understand why people are so worried about having a conversation with someone they have been dating for a while. If you have slept with them and met their friends then you should be able to ask them where you stand. If you are afraid of "scaring them off", and they do get "scared off", then they were never really worth your time in the first place, because they weren't in the same place as you!

indough

in my experience it doesnt bode well unfortunately. i had a similar problem with my recent ex and it turns out she was pretty much just waiting for something more convenient to come along. some people also just enjoy the thrill of the chase and the ego boost of being chatted up. i would advise just asking him first however because every situation is different

sameman

what ever you do, don't ask him where do you stand for him, its a sign of insecurity and neediness, and that's a turn off.. Don't text him every single day, make him wonder. Be a challenge for him, and be patient. If he wont get back to you, its his lost.

indough

yeah why not play some mind games because that is the mature and sensible thing to do