My English mock essay

Eazzah

Well, I've just found and read my English essay which I wrote for my Junior Cert mock a few months ago. I'd like if you read it and told me where I can improve etc. Bare in mind I sat this exam on the first day back after Christmas holidays and I had 3 hours sleep. Come at me. Btw I got 57 marks out of 70 and I forgot to use paragraphs so that may have brought me down some marks.

Question: "What the future holds for this generation"

It's the 21st century, hard to believe that only 100 years ago, people did not know what a computer was. Just imagine in that short 100 years look what man has accomplished yet failed. 1918 and 1939, two very historic dates. The beginning of the two world wars which our grandparents and great-grandparents endured. Vietnam, the falling of the twin towers, the assassination of JFK, The cold war and recession, all of these, people know. What will the future hold?
I know that the cure for cancer will be released when it is fully tested, but what I have great hope for is technology. Mobile phones, laptops and televisions. All pieces of technology that modern day teenagers own. I believe that mind-blowing things will be invented by the time I leave college, things that will change the way we live forever, but I also fear war. Oil, the number 1 most sought after item by countries, one problem, it is running out. I believe that another republican party will win presidency in America and before we know it a small country in Asia will be bombed. How will Ireland defend herself? But before anything like that happens we need to get through the infamous date: "21st December 2012". What the Mayans believe to be the end of the world, how ever it's not only the Mayans, it is also the illuminati or New world order that threaten the world.
If you ask me it's all a load of rubbish. You see that? People are beginning to predict their own future. I also came across a news article that read, "All humans to be micro-chipped by 2017" That's an outrage, surely it is illegal, right? They are taking away our freedom. Yes, yes, it can also be used for good, such as a missing child, but the bad? You may call me paranoid but I am angry about how the government could track my every move, monitoring me whenever it pleases.

Away from the bad, I think technology could help elderly people. Now, close your eyes and imagine an old lady struggling with osteoporosis. Now imagine her again, this time with a piece of technology that helps her everyday life. Amazing. I also think our knowledge of medicine will increase significantly. Did you know that a cure for cancer has already been found? Yes, but the company will not release the cure because it can too easily be broken down and reproduced by different companies, shocking.
I also believe that elderly people will live longer due to new medication, but is that a good thing? The population is already increasing too rapidly, imagine what it would be like if elderly people could live an extra 10 years. Anyways, when you're that old your bones begin to get weak, they would be in far worse pain and it would be harder for families.
Just close your eyes and think, what could you see in the future: War, technology or medication, who knows what the future holds.

KarlK987

Hi, this is going to sound critical and mean, but I think if you take it to mind you may improve in June.

First of all, I think you had a very generous examiner, no way would I have given you 57 marks, 35 at best.

You tried to look at the past to try predict the future, which is right, but you only talked about wars, terrorist attacks and a recession. You didn't talk about the invention of the aeroplane, man stepping on the moon, the rise and fall of the ussr, the establishment of the UN, the invention of the atomic bomb, the invention of television and computers etc etc.

Also WW1 started in 1914, not 1918. You said that ''100 years ago people did not know what a computer was'' they had not been invented, so they couldn't have known! You went on to talk about the ridiculous claim of the mayans that is backed up by no evidence.

You never gave your predictions, you agreed with other peoples opinions, or disagreed in some cases, but did not give your thoughts. You said ''I also believe that elderly people will live longer due to new medication, but is that a good thing? The population is already increasing too rapidly, imagine what it would be like if elderly people could live an extra 10 years.'' You're giving out about what could happen when the question states, what you think will happen.

One of the most important mistakes you made was you didn't even interpret the question correctly. ''what the future holds for this generation'' a generation is not 100 years, the average Irish male lives to 71years old and the average Irish woman lives to 76. That's not 100 years.

Also I think it's too short, it's supposed to be at least 3 and 1/2 a4 pages in length.

Eazzah

KarlK987 wrote: »

Hi, this is going to sound critical and mean, but I think if you take it to mind you may improve in June.

First of all, I think you had a very generous examiner, no way would I have given you 57 marks, 35 at best.

You tried to look at the past to try predict the future, which is right, but you only talked about wars, terrorist attacks and a recession. You didn't talk about the invention of the aeroplane, man stepping on the moon, the rise and fall of the ussr, the establishment of the UN, the invention of the atomic bomb, the invention of television and computers etc etc.

Also WW1 started in 1914, not 1918. You said that ''100 years ago people did not know what a computer was'' they had not been invented, so they couldn't have known! You went on to talk about the ridiculous claim of the mayans that is backed up by no evidence.

You never gave your predictions, you agreed with other peoples opinions, or disagreed in some cases, but did not give your thoughts. You said ''I also believe that elderly people will live longer due to new medication, but is that a good thing? The population is already increasing too rapidly, imagine what it would be like if elderly people could live an extra 10 years.'' You're giving out about what could happen when the question states, what you think will happen.

One of the most important mistakes you made was you didn't even interpret the question correctly. ''what the future holds for this generation'' a generation is not 100 years, the average Irish male lives to 71years old and the average Irish woman lives to 76. That's not 100 years.

Also I think it's too short, it's supposed to be at least 3 and 1/2 a4 pages in length.

Those are very good points and I will take them in and use them in June. Thanks for the criticism, you've made some very important points that I completely forgot about such as the important discoveries years prior. From reading your post I do realize that I may have interpreted the question differently.

Leinsterr

Way too short. Bad essay overall

spurious

The title, 'What the future holds for this generation' led me to expect an essay about job shortages due to recession, closing schools and hospitals due to cutbacks, increased reliance on public transport due tio shortages and price increases of fuel.

I thought your essay was more 'What the future holds' in general, not specifically 'for this generation'.