His ex

LegacyUser

Ok I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months,but Im having difficulty understanding his relationship with his ex,they are in touch daily.
Its more so her doing the contacting him,she rings him daily and when not ringing she is texting. He has told me openly about it and I have said that I didnt mind as long as he had no feelings for her and that they were just friends. He swore to me that was the case and that she is the one ringing him.She rings him on her way to work every morning, and even when she is abroad she is ringing him on a daily basis.
She has a boyfriend for the last 9 months,my fella swears that she is totally in love with her boyfriend and would never jeopardise the relationship but from her texts it sounds like she is trying to make my boyfriend jealous. She is constatntly ringing my boyfriend telling him how much she is missing her boyfriend and how she has never felt like this with anyone else before.My boyfriend says thats just the way she is and that they have a great friendship but after going out for 2 years that they both realise it wasnt going to work.
I have tried not to come across as the jealous girlfriend here but this girl who is apparrently in love with her boyfriend feels the need to tell my boyfriend(her ex) about this constantly.
My boyfriend has told me that he will stop answering her calls or texting her if I want him to but I said that I trusted him and I do, but I have a niggling gut feeling that I cant trust her. Any advice on how to handle this??

BraziliaNZ

Tell him it's absolutely absurd, ask him why he wants to talk to her? Is he some kind of simpleton that he doesn't see how wrong it is? I don't know why you're putting up with this nonsense!

curlzy

:eek: Jesus that's mad. What man wants to talk to his ex EVERY DAY? A guy that isn't over his ex I'd imagine. Seriously OP, I'd just break it off. If he was over her he would have cut her out by now, he's made the decision not to, he's not over her. It all sounds very unhealthy and dramatic. So stay if you enjoy drama and being left guessing. If not I'd just call it a day, in fact I would have called it a day ages ago tbh.

stargazer 68

Jealous? wrote: »

but I have a niggling gut feeling that I cant trust her.

That bit is kind of irrelevant - it takes two to tango so if she is going to do anything then he has to be a willing participant.

It is a bit odd that she calls and texts him all the time - but it is also a bit odd that he keeps taking the calls. As you say they are still good friends but I don't, and Im sure others don't, communicate with their exes every day!

P. Breathnach

I don't share the view (held by many here) that it is impossible to be friends with an ex, so I don't think communicating with one is necessarily wrong or inappropriate.

But each situation is different, because people are different. OP trusts her boyfriend, but is suspicious of the ex: that's a problem. She needs, for her own peace of mind, to be properly reassured about the ex if the communication is to be acceptable.

That said, the frequency, and apparently the content, of the communication seems to me to be a bit "off". I get the impression that it also seems a bit intrusive. Perhaps it might satisfy OP if her boyfriend set clear limits on the contact, both on frequency and content.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, I do trust my boyfriend but this girl is the one telling him all this crap about missing her boyfriend and never having felt like this before which sounds to me like she is trying to make him jealous?
Im not going to walk away from this but I would like to know how to handle this. He says that she has a lot of male friends that she rings when she is bored and has nothing to do and that I have nothing to worry about.
Should I ask him to cut the contact and if so what do I say that I dont come across as the jealous one?
I have seen her texts and she cant talk when she is with her boyfriend but texts him asking if he can text because she is with him?This seems to me like her boyfriend has an issue with her being in touch with her ex?

Juicyfruit

I was in a similar position to you in the past where my boyfriend was still talking to his ex, friends on Facebook etc.. Although it bothered me I said it was ok as I didn't want to be the type of girlfriend who told him who he can and cannot talk to.

Unfortunately, after a while I started getting suspicious and found out that thy had been flirting and arranging to go on 'dates' behind my back.

Difference was though, we were together 2.5 years.

My advice, either tell him you don't like it and want it to stop or walk away.

Ask yourself, is it really worth the hassle?

P. Breathnach

Jealous? wrote: »

...
I have seen her texts and she cant talk when she is with her boyfriend but texts him asking if he can text because she is with him?This seems to me like her boyfriend has an issue with her being in touch with her ex?

That's enough for me, and it should be enough for your boyfriend. He should not stay in contact with her if it is an issue for her current boyfriend.

I think it is probably time for you to make it an issue also, and say the communication has to stop.

Podgers

OP I wouldn't stand for any of that, there is no need for texting every day or even often, i think its OK to be "friendly" with an ex, there's no harm in that but keeping up communication on a regular basis, it sounds that there has to be more to it than meets the eye.

msg11

Everyday ? Even talking to them, you go off into the past and the mind starts over thinking starts forming plots. It's no good, I wouldn't stand it. One of my ex's was going to her mates house in which her ex's lived, plus there was going to be drink in the mix. I had a problem with this. If the coin was flipped on my side, she would have a problem. Anyway I told her to hop on, wasn't going to worry myself over what shes doing when I am not around.

Another girl shouldn't be getting that much attention, sorry. Tell him to call it a day with her.

x Purple Pawprints x

I have to say I agree with the other posters. It's fair enough to be in contact or to be friends with an ex but I think being in contact on a daily basis is a bit much OP, I think you should talk to your bf about it. My bf is friends with a couple of his exes and texts/talk to them from time to time but I'd have a huge problem if it was going on everyday and I'd imagine he'd be the same if it was me. It's irrelevant with me though, I actually have no exes. Talk to your bf about it. Tell him how you feel.

Piliger

P. Breathnach is 100% right above. You can't and shouldn't try to control your BF's contact with other people or his ex. However the frequency is unusual, and your discomfort should be something that he takes in to account to reduce his contact with her. Unless you were demanding he cut her off or not stay in contact more than once a week I think he should have the emotional intelligence to roll it way back.

BattleCorp

curlzy wrote: »

:eek: Jesus that's mad. What man wants to talk to his ex EVERY DAY? A guy that isn't over his ex I'd imagine..

Yep, it sounds like he still has feelings for his ex.

ihsb

I have been in a similar situation. I said I wasn't comfortable with it (after I met her and didn't trust her) and asked him not to discuss me or us with her. He ended up telling her REALLY personal things, then lying about it to me.

So then it spiralled. It was a choice between her and me. He chose me. It didn't last and there were way more lies.

Madly we are still together. I have received abusive emails etc from her but he wants be and now sees that what he had with her wasn't healthy. We are trying to work through it all, but what I am saying is that if it doesn't lie right then there is a reason for it. Trust your gut.

I have made enemies left right and centre in his camp because of this. Because I wasn't happy to go with the flow and accept a toxic "friendship".

If you decide to carry on with him you have to be prepared for the sh!t to hit the fan at some point. Even if you say you don't want to fight her for him, the chances are that will be taken up as "her or me".

I wish you all the luck in the world OP.

The Lovely Muffin

To be honest OP, I agree with others here, ringing your ex boyfriend every day, even when you are on holiday isn't normal. Who wants to speak to their ex partner every day?

You need to talk to him about this ASAP, if you don't and you continue to bite your tongue and say nothing, it will eat away at you, there will come a point when you will say "no more" and it will probably be a bigger problem then than it is now.

I am with my boyfriend for ten months and if he was in such constant contact with any of his ex partners I sure wouldn't be happy and would tell him so. And I imagine if I had an ex and was in so much contact with them he wouldn't be happy and would say it to me too.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex and chatting every now so often, but every day and even every week is too much IMO.

davet82

if you all arent in your teens this situation is really weird and immature imo, nobody calls their ex that much, not even when there is children involved. Why would you want to talk to your ex everyday??? I think the answer to that will be the root of the problem.

Best of luck OP