Experience of moving abroad and meeting new people

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
I'll try keep it short. Looking for people who've experienced moving abroad or just to another city.

I'm living in the States for about 2 year now. I really love where I am but I still don't feel fully settled.

Long story short, I knew a good group of people when I arrived but over time, "in-fighting" and group mentallity has led to smaller groups splitting off and so on. I won't go into that too much, it's just what happens in large groups sometimes.

Anyway, the deal is besides this group, I don't know a lot of people and I'm finding that difficult. As far as sociallizing goes the group is off limits, I'm not in their plans so I'm ust gonna forget about them, so in a way I feel brand new to the city.

Can anyone offer advice on how they got on in similar circumstances? When I first moved, I was thinking "Big city, fun times!" and it was like that initially but now I just find myself spending every night including weekends, indoors watching netflix. Last time someone actually text me was St. Patricks Day. I'm busy with work and keep active running and stuff in the evening but I go on runs and pass by everywhere where people are sitting out in the good weather and socializing, having fun and its like that was my impression of going somewhere new and exciting but I know nobody to do it with.

I know the usual advice is "join a club" but before anyone says that, it's not that easy or simple. I'm 27 and most people have their group of friends by this age. I've joined 5-a-side "social" football teams and stuff but there's no social side. Its a nice break to have a game of ball for an hour once a week but thats all it is, nobody is interested in talking once the final whistle goes.

I know people will suggest meetup.com which is fairly active in my town but the groups a fairly limitied to LGBT groups (nothing wrong with that, I just wouldn't fit in ), Speed Dating groups and random things like book clubs or knitting circles which arent really my "thing".

I have a "career" job so although I love it, my co workers are mainly 40+, married and live outside the city so again, its not terribly social outside work hours.

Can anyone offer any advice/experience? I'm not really looking for novelty groups or going to farmers markets (is that really a full day activity?). I'm just more into regular stuff, watch sports, go for pints, hang out but those are activities for close friends and I can't seem to break any circle like that and it's tough going.

LegacyUser

OP been there, done that. I moved to the states several years ago and when I first got there there was a group of Irish I sort of knew already there [had met a few them via other friends in Ireland and they had moved over a few months before me] For the first few months my whole social life revolved around them but I started to see that we weren't really compatible and had we been in Ireland we wouldn't have been friends and I was only staying friends with them due to location so I stop hanging out with them and struck out on my own. I'm not into sports, don't like sitting around in bars and like yourself work people were much older so I signed up for a continuing education class. Even tiny ass cities in the US tend to have great evening classes in community colleges that are affordable and fun. I live in New York so there is massive selection on offer here but I've had friends move to much smaller cities in South Carolina who've signed up for great evening classes and met loads of people via them. I've done everything from automotive repair to silversmithing Don't look for "social" type events as they generally tend to be filled with people looking to find dates not friends. Look out for interesting film screenings, talks or lectures. I go to a monthly talk at the Natural History Museum....topics can range from anything from space to skin [seriously last one was a woman talking about skin but it was actually really interesting] I noticed some of the same people attending all the talks and started to chat to them before hand and now we all go and grab coffee after. Get ready to go to things on your own, which can be really hard at first but can have great rewards. I've friends who are big music buffs who've no issue going to concerts alone, they get involved with internet groups and find other people going on their own. Focus on developing interests/hobbies rather then "looking for friends" Making new friends can take a little time. Patience is one thing to have and once you meet a few people, more seem to follow.

Colonel Panic

It's hard to suggest anything when we can't suggest you get out there and meet people. Of course it's hard but friends won't materialize while you watch Netflix.

What is your thing? I've often gone for a pint or a meal in a new city and just struck up conversation with people and I'm not that outgoing at all.

LegacyUser

Which city are you in?

It's J1 time now so there may be an influx of 21yr old and upward students. Go to Irish bars to watch GAA/Football games. Use facebook and Irish themed websites for events in your area. Plan to do stuff instead of staying in! For me it was easier to befriend Europeans and other foreigners. I found Americans not too open about meeting new people or at least some random European.

poozers

you should embrace this situation op, not try fight it. do things on your own, like go to a cafe, have a drink and sit outside enjoying everyone passing by. go for a walk in a park. if you were in the position to get a dog, and willing to commit to it for its life, you could maybe.
id love to be in your position tbh. ive been in my small irish city for my whole life, and dont feel comfortable doing things on my own (for some reason i dont know). but when im abroad (for a short time), i always make it my business to spend at least one day doing things on my own. its so liberating. maybe its different if you live there, i dont really know.
but once you get comfortable on your own, you may have figured out what your thing is, and start from there.
if you run, there might be some kind of meet and train group in a park or something? at least you'll be meeting people with the same interests as you. i know you dont want to hear "join a club", but i think thats probably your only option.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,
So thanks for the advice. I don't mean to say you can't suggest "Go out and meet people" but it's the same advice everyone offers but its not that easy. People are everywhere but it doesnt mean they are looking to meet people too or are open to meeting friends just anywhere.

- On the J1 thing, you are perfectly right but at the same time its different. I did the J1 thing myself and you are usually there with friends and it' not the same thing as living there permanently when you're a lot older. There are more Irish accents about in the summer but most are 18-19 and not planning to be here full time.

- I agree that "social" events here are very awkward usually attended by people who are equally awkward and "trying" too hard to make friends and more oftenjust trying to get dates. Of the "social" groups I attended the guys mainly acted like douches trying to hit on every girl there and there was really no social aspect where you'd make friends and maybe see the person outside that setting.

- I'm into sports and music. I actually do go to a lot of these things alone and have absolutely no problem with being alone. If I'm so inclined I don't mind going for a few pints alone if I'm in the mood, I'm not living as a hermit but at the same time it's hard to meet people this way, you're still the "loner". I mean, how often do you see a guy alone in a bar and think "Oh, he must be new, lets go make friends"... its not really the first thing that comes to mind at a guy alone in a bar or something.

- I don't know. I think it's just the age group I'm in, people aren't really looking to make friends and you have to know people to get to know people.

LegacyUser

Hey Man,

I live in the states also. I started crossfit a few years ago and it has become insanely popular in the last year or so. Its a great way to meet new people and get fit and strong why you do it. Lots of people about our age are doing it and I see many new friendships because of it. Hot girls gravitate towards it also.

Best of luck,

Jim

Norinoco

In the States too.

Again, work is all 40+ who can't get out the door faster at 5pm and any of the meetups I have tried are just for that hour or so and that's it - no one to go out for a coffee or a pint with on a Friday after work kind of thing.
I'm in Philly, where there is a very small 1st generation Irish population and all the Irish events are full of American 3rd/4th generation Irish old people!!

So anyway - I have joined a local Gym now and will start going to classes in the hope of making some friends. This is the first time have found it hard to make friends in a new city ( Scotland and every city in OZ before here) so fingers crossed on this attempt

Let me know if you come up with any brainstorms OP and I'll try them too!
Best of luck

JimmyCrackCorn

I have moved to Sydney in the last two months. I initially found it hard to meet people and found myself in the local pub allot. Bad move.


The easy way to meet friends is through your interests. I met more people through having a bbq and surf, joining gym classes and getting involved in out of work activities.

While im not exactly a social butterfly at the moment I have met some good friends

silja

I moved to the states also and it took me a long time to make friends. What actually helped me most is to get pregnant and meet other mammies and start volunteering for a cat rescue. I found people who volunteer (for anything) tend to be kind and welcoming, and often socialise outside of the volunteering event too.

Another option is Craigslist, they have a "platonic" section where I met a couple of people through.

LegacyUser

In the US, especially in cities, people tend to be very 'busy' - either work then family or (if no family), work then exercise, hobbies, etc. Especially people who'd live there for a while. Finding people who are also new to the city, and haven't established a social circle yet, is IMHO, often easier than making friends with people who already have a lot going on.

As said above, activity-focused events are best. If there's nothing you like on meetup, try making your own event. Craigslist has an 'activities'/activity partner section that can be good (strictly platonic i find a little more dating focused, despite the name). Though it's not it's primary purpose 'couchsurfing.org' tends to have an activities and can be a good way of meeting other expats (and travellers)

Wompa1

Hey OP,

I moved to America about 4 months ago. I'm in a place with no Irish community and didn't know anybody before I came over here. I'm a bit down about the fact everybody I work with is much older than me. In fact the only guy I hung out with outside of work is 64 years old. He's fun but it's not the same...I think I left it too late in life to experience the "travelling" so many people I knew back in Ireland bragged about. Probably doesn't help that I'm also doing a "professional" job.

I know I could make friends if I push myself to though. For right now I'm enjoying my own company. I see it as a fresh start. I haven't had a touch of alcohol in 97 days. Physically I feel better than I have in a few years, I'm making great money and getting to see and experience a new place.

It's not the drink, drug and sex fueled experience you'd get when travelling younger but I'm past that age now and don't particularly want to do that. I'm working in Phoenix by the way. Where are you working?

LegacyUser

I've lived abroad for over a decade in countless places, quite a few countries.

If you are sporty, its a great asset, just chose things you've always wanted to have a stab at and go for it, e.g. martials arts club, mountain biking group, chess, anything..

Combining an interest wth a social activity is one of the best ways to get to know people.

greenteaicedtea

"I'm 27 and most people have their group of friends by this age."

That may be true but there is usually a way to make new friends, unless you are in a very small town.

I moved away from my "group of friends" a number of times during high school, and I ended up going back to school, graduating with a bunch of people who were 8 years younger than me. I didn't make many friends, but I have 2-3 close friends from that time. The majority of my friends are my co-workers.

You may be able to make friends with the 40-somethings, especially if they are single/divorced. People with spouses and small children, their time is taken up with their families.

I agree with the poster who suggested you go into hobbies, rather than social gatherings or events. You may make friends with people outside your age group but still have something in common. I find that if you find the right person whose personality clicks with yours, their age or marital status doesn't matter anymore, they find a way to relate to you regardless.