Lies, lies and more lies. The after effects

LegacyUser

I really don't know where to start but the tital says it all. I am a 41 year old sad woman. I lost so many people in my life from lies I told when I was much younger.

I suppose I should start at the begining. I came from a very unhappy family life. My mother suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. She didn't believe in education, it was only for the rich. Something we where far from.. My Dad had a manual labour job and was a wonderful kind man. We never had money and always someone banging looking to be paid. I was the really fat kid and from the little time I spent in school was very badly bullied and called the most awful names. My Granmother (my mums mum) always made it clear she didn't like me and was all for my brother and again called me vile names. Boys ruled in her world.

I had no friends - nobody wanted to be friends with the fat kid. The teachers in the rural school did little to help, in fact aide it. By making it much worse by making me sit in a chair at the side of the class room on my own. I am surprised I can read and write at all.

I made friends with a girl who was a couple of years younger than me and for a while did someof the things she did Irish Dancing, I was crap at the dancing but loved it and it made me feel normal.

Mum was not one of the nice depressed ladies who sat in the corner rocking, she was hateful, nasty and spiteful. Called me every name under the sun. My poot father all suffered at her hands (verbally) I have one brother who is 4 years older than me and his life would have been no picnic. My dad became very ill when I was a child and unable to stop what was happening.

I survived childhood by playing very loud music and dreaming of a new life. I used to pretend that Shaken Stevens was my Dad!!! I also married Larry Mullin!!

When I was 18 I did a childcare course and failed the easy exam so redid it and got the cert. Worked for a couple of families as a nanny/housekeeper but they didnt work out, in end started one job and it lasted for years and showed me what a real family was like. I think it was the happiest time in my life. I felt part of something for the first time ever.

I met other nannies and became friends, for the first time real friends. Went out and enjoyed life. Weekends when I went home where still awful. My childhood friend meet and had a baby and only every wanted me around when somthing was wrong. That really hurt. She asked me to be godmother but changed her mind and her sister was. She didnt come to my wedding and only makes contact when her life is crap but I still feel the need to call her my best friend

Anyway, I told my new friends exciting tales about my life at the weekends, boys, parties all lies. The most I ever did was go to the cinema with my brother or if I went to a disco with one or the people I knew from hiome got called names by the fella and dread the slow set.

Anyway life went on and one girl who I was very close to I started to tell her little bits about mum. Mum never allowed me to take anyone home as our "house" was not good enough for visitors and didnt want me having friends. Little by little I was telling more. I loved having a group of friend.

I was still the fat girl with limited clothes, going back 20 add years, the only place to buy a size 22/24 was Evans and I didnt have much money. I started a little busines on the side with the support of the family I was working for and the girl I was growing close to helped me the odd time.

Still no men, well not real ones anyway. I made up tales about boys so as not to feel left out. I bigged up my life.

My Father died and I moved out and got another job. Found it hard as I became depressed and it was hard paying bills on so little. My friends also changed jobs and I moved into a house share with one of them. Went away on holidays and had night out. A real life monday to friday. Got over the depression but never felt good about myself. hard to when I was always told by my mother I was useless and no one whould ever want me.

Anyway the girl I was close to asked me to give a reference to a company she was going for a job to and when they rang something came over me and I said she didnt ever work for me. Needless to say she never wanted anything more to do with me. I did try and call her a number of times but she hung up. I also wrote saying sorry. 12 years later (last year) I sent her a messge on face book saying sorry again. She has just got married and I wish her a world of happiness, she is a great person but it made me so sad to see her profile pic today and know that I am the reason I was not part of it.

In 1999 I met a guy who was so wrong and using me and again I told lies about why I was so upset all the time to the girl. Could not tell them it was as he was using me and treating me like ****e. i for some reason felt loyal to him. They found out I lied but put 2 + 2 together and came up with 10. I never told them what a **** he was and let them think awful of me. The girl I lived with moved out and we lost contact. Most of the others backed away.

I was in a real bad place after that for a long time. i went for counselling and slowly got my life together and made friends. Met a fantastic man and moved from Dublin. Now have close friends and a good life. Run a business with my husband but still feel I am never good enough. lost weight/gained weight/lost weight. Have lied on and off but really copped myself on. My mother can still be nasty but I have my husband at my side. We have a pretty good marrage. Not perfect but I feel like I am as not as good as everyone else. I should have a newer car, bigger house, better body, better job, more friends. Like most people we could do with more money but are ok.My husband loves me and treats me so special and I him but out of shame I have never told him any of this.

The girl who got married, should I send her a FB message ( we are not FB friends) I do want her to know I wish her well and am sorry I cost her that job. Looks like she has a great career and life now and she deserves it. I am just so sorry for waht I did. We had the making of a friendship for life

I am so sad today and have so much sorrow over what I have done in the past and wish I could go back all those years and fix it.

carolinespring

I wish I could give you a big hug. You are not a bad person. You have a good man by your side and did some stuff that you are not proud of but you are not that person now. You had a hard childhood and did what you did to survive. I am not that you did the right thing by lying, far from it but you have paid a high price and its time to move on.

I feel this friend ment a lot to you and losing her friendship was really hard. Most lightly as she was the first true friend you had. Am I right it understanding from your post that you are not hoping to become friends again as I honestly don't think that would ever happen and that you just want to wish her well on her recent wedding? If that is the case, then go ahead and send her a message but don't expect a reply or get upset if she blocks you. She must have felt really hurt when you lied about her not helping you with work and I am sure she didn't understand why you did it but you said she has a good career and has moved on. I think I can understand the envy you must have felt to do that. maybe that she was moving forward and you were staying in the same place and that you might lose her??


I think it might be a good idea to open up to your husband about your past and free yourself from the guilt you are carrying If he knows about your Mother than he will understand. Plus he married you and loves you and ill want to help you.

I feel so sad that you felt so bad about yourself that you would lose friends rather than tell them the truth about your ex boyfriend. I hope you have moved on and value yourself now.

Please forgive yourself and not let this take over another 20 years. Promise yourself that you wil do everything you can to make yourself feel good about yourself. You deserve that. What your mother told you was so wrong and awful thing to do to a child. I hope times have moved on and no teacher would act the ay your teachers did. Truely shocking

Remember the past is the past, and work on living a wonderful present.

I wish you well.

Wompa1

Don't message your friend. Accept that the person who f*ked her over is the person you use to be but that's the person that girl knows and you can't change that. Sounds like with your husband you are getting a new lease on life and a chance to make a change. I'd suggest you take it and forget your old ways.

edellc

OP yes you have hard a rough time like so many people, what made you think it was okay to lie the way you have is beyond me but I know that depression does funny things to a person

The past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it so let sleeping dogs lie, yes you may want to make amends but that may not be what your "friend" wants and it may make you feel better to get in contact but it may not her, so unfortunately I think it is a burden you are just going to have to deal with

You have a husband, and business and a future, so look forward and make the best of it you cant change the past but you do have control over your future so let the past go and move on

dellas1979

Well, if you contact her, what do you want/expect her to say? I think you would be opening a big can of worms. What you did, back then (and the operative words are "back then") was not nice, but you already apologised. What another person chooses to do with an apology or explanation is up to them. She choose to not reply to you. Give the lady that and respect that she got the message and her decision was not to reply.

We've all done things in the past that we did not like, and hindsight is both a fantastic and awful thing. But we learn from mistakes, as long as we recognise them, and what the good thing about the present and the future is is that it is fresh and new. I think you would benefit talking to another councellor in your present mindset, as it sounds like it has changed from where you were, but you are carrying a suitcase full of guilt and skeletons around with you, and its time to deal with them.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi there

I'm sorry your childhood was so tough for you. I am glad you are going to counselling and that you have met a good man.

I can understand you making up stories because you did not feel good enough. And maybe part of you did not give your friend a reference because in ways you were jealous of her.

You can't expect 'sorry' to just make everything all fine again. Does she know about your background? Perhaps telling her that may make her understand why you did what you did.

There is a great book I really recommend called 'Toxic parents'. I read it years ago and it really helped me work through things in my life.

The past is over and there is no reason for you to not feel good enough. You have suffered a lot but you do not have to keep carrying that legacy with you for the rest of your life.

I would suggest you keep up the counselling. I think when you learn to love yourself, you will be able to move on from the incident with this friend once and for all.

You are not a bad person and I personally understand why you may have did what you did.

Your friend will have got other jobs, so don't be feeling as if you have ruined her life.

If you have explained your past to her, then leave it go now. She has probably forgotten about it, or at the very least doesn't think about it as much as you do.

Your future is unwritten. Time for you to enjoy the good things in life now and leave the past where it belongs.

I don't think I was jealous of her just afraid that she would get the new job and a new life and as I had not had much in my life I didnt want to lose her. She was the first person that I started to open up to and maybe in time would have told her the whole story.

I don't expect 'sorry' to just make everything all fine again. I did send her a FB message about a year or so ago saying sorry with a short verson of why I did it. She didn't reply and if I am honest I didn't expect her to. I just wanted to wish her a wonderful life with her new husband, she deserves it but I will leace well alone and just give some money to chaity to mark it in my own head.

I will look for the book and read it. As Dalles said I am carrying a suitcase of guilt. I never wanted to be the person I was. I just felt a nobody, I don't kow if anyone have seen or hear the ad for Barnardos where the childs says they are a nobody, useless, that was how I felt. I was told it often. I just hate the person I was and wish i could have being honest and not aways a shamed of my life. I hurt to many people with my lie and that is something I feel bad about each and evry day.

I need to build up my self worth and and I think I will give counselling another go. I just need to feel better about myself and value myself. Not to think of myself as the person I was.

My husband is very good but pressures of work make like it hard. Money is another worry, we are ok but just and I worry about that a lot. We are really living month to month but will get by.

Part of me wants to tell my husband but I dont want him to look at me differently. I know he would stand by me and love me but I don't want him to feel a shamed of me for what I did. I think maybe its best t let it be and find ways of building up my self worth and ways of letting go of the past.

I never feel truely happy and always feel less of a person than everyone else. I just want to feel unburdened.