Church Vs Civil ceremony? Help!

joeymaccy

Ok so here's the dealio. My folks are super religious and old fashioned and would like my fiancee and I to have a church wedding. My mum's cousin is a priest and has married everyone in my family. My fiancee is totally against having a church wedding and is insisting on a civil ceremony. Whilst baptised a Catholic, he never goes to mass and thinks the church is a load of nonsense. I genuinely don't care and could do either and would do whatever would keep everyone happy. What the feic should I do!

a) if I demand a church wedding, my family will be delighted and my fiancee will be pissed off. Although not at all religious myself, I've always gone with the flow with the church. Part of me thinks my fiancee should not put me in such a difficult spot and just do the church thing. It's only an hour long and it'll keep the old folks happy; then again...

b) it is my fiancee and my weddding. I think the common consensus would be just do your own thing on your wedding and to hell to everyone else. In this case, we should just do a civil ceremony. Unfortunately, this will most certainly lead to family feuds, negative vibes on the day and the cousin priest not coming to the wedding.
Help!

Sleepy

In your fiancés shoes, I'd call the wedding off if you were to place your family's beliefs ahead of his.

If you're planning to have children, you should also use this as an opportunity to discuss whether you'll be baptising them.

At the end of the day the only important people at a wedding are you and your fiancé, everyone else is a guest there to witness your commitment to each other and join in the celebrations. They have no right to insist on anything and if your mam's cousin has a such a problem with you marrying outside of his faith that he won't attend, he's a pretty poor exponent of the beliefs he preaches.

eyescreamcone

Vote b

Keep your spouse and yourself happy as much as possible.
If Uncle Albert is not so happy about something that doesn't really concern him I'd just laugh it off!

joeymaccy

thanks for the replies folks!

Ginny

It's not your family's wedding it's yours and your fiances. Their opinion has no weight against his wishes.
If people don't want to come to your wedding because of their beliefs that that's their choice, and if they want to be that stubborn and selfish on your wedding day,that's their problem.

we were both baptised RC but we don't believe in the RC church as an institution and I could not imagine myself getting married in a RC church, my husband was totally against the idea of a RC church wedding, so we didn't have one, his and my beliefs far outweighed any others that might have been held by other members of the family. Luckily enough we had families who backed our choices all they way. We looked into all our options and attended the Unitarian church and read up on their beliefs, it was still a Christian wedding ceremony but not a RC one. We are so much happier with our decision, the Unitarian church is so welcoming to everyone and it is a lot more congregation led then the RC church. We will be having a special naming ceremony in the Unitarian church too when we have our baby later this year.

Sleepy

A possible option B, assuming your fiancé is happy to do so, is to sit down with the priest and explain that while you'd like a Catholic wedding, your husband to be is not and, as such, would it be possible for him to make the non-religious parts of the vows whilst ignoring the rest.

If going down this route, make sure you have agreement on whether you'll be allowing the priest to do the usual "raise the kids Catholic" stuff.

ElleEm

Have the wedding YOU want to have.
I agree with Sleepy, I certainly would not be happy if my partner wanted to demand something of OUR relationship to please his family.
Have your Civil Ceremony. This is nothing to do with your family. And if they are the type to have a face on, or create an atmosphere because they don't get their way, then they are not nice people!

joeymaccy

thanks again folks! the unitarian church could that way to go. from what I understand it's not too jesusy and it would pretty much be a civil style ceremony in a church setting..
cheers!

Tim Robbins

ElleEm wrote: »

Have the wedding YOU want to have.
I agree with Sleepy, I certainly would not be happy if my partner wanted to demand something of OUR relationship to please his family.
Have your Civil Ceremony. This is nothing to do with your family. And if they are the type to have a face on, or create an atmosphere because they don't get their way, then they are not nice people!

I would have to side with your finacee on this. Why should anyone have other people's believes forced on him on their day? And why should he have to lie about what he believes in and at the sametime declare his love for you in public?

It is not just about believes. The catholic church has covered its hands in shame and many "spiritual" people and god believers don't want anything to do with it anymore. This is perfectly understandable.

Also, where does this end? Will your kids have to make communion, go to Catholic schools? Time you sort all of this out now.

I married into a very religious family and there is no way I would have done it if I had to pretend I believed in what they do or get kids baptised.

We got married in the Unitarian Church who were great. They respect all believes and do a lot of mixed marriages. They are still a religion but one of the few that respect non religious people. That worked out for us. So perhaps check it out.

But, if your finacee is not happy with a church in any shape or form, I would totally respect that. At least you know he is not comfortable lieing. A sign of a great person. And sadly in the minority. As the majority of Irish people are all too happy to lie in public but at the sametime expect people to take them seriously.

Good luck to you both.

Jester252

would ye be open to having the wedding as a civil services but get a belssing from your cousin. You will not be married in the church but it might get your family off your back. Question is what do you what?

Tim Robbins

joeymaccy wrote: »

a) if I demand a church wedding, my family will be delighted and my fiancee will be pissed off. Although not at all religious myself, I've always gone with the flow with the church. Part of me thinks my fiancee should not put me in such a difficult spot and just do the church thing. It's only an hour long and it'll keep the old folks happy; then again...

Sorry just read this again. I really think you need to think about this.
It's a horrible thing to do to make someone act like they pretend in something they don't. Unless you are comfortable being a blatant lier it is just a horrible feeling. You really need to understand that. I would prefer a punch in the face myself.

Do you value truth? And the rights of people to express themselves?

If your family don't accept your finacee for who he is, they are they one's who is wrong and so are you for bowing to their not acceptance of him for who he is.

Sorry for the harsh words, but time to cop on. If you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone, you put them first.

Tim Robbins

Jester252 wrote: »

would ye be open to having the wedding as a civil services but get a belssing from your cousin. You will not be married in the church but it might get your family off your back. Question is what do you what?

Just a warning on that, I know someone who tried to do that and what they thought was a one minute blessing, turnt into a 30 minute take over show.

Jester252

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Jester252 wrote: »

would ye be open to having the wedding as a civil services but get a belssing from your cousin. You will not be married in the church but it might get your family off your back. Question is what do you what?

Just a warning on that, I know someone who tried to do that and what they thought was a one minute blessing, turnt into a 30 minute take over show.

If the OP is friendly with her cousin she could talking to him about it.

joeymaccy

thanks Tim

Sleepy

Don't worry about HSE restrictions on mid-week civil ceremonies or having to go to a registry office. If you're only discussing things now, the Humanists will be legally able to carry out weddings by the time you're ready to set a date and, should ye be in a hurry, the Spiritualists Union of Ireland are already legally recognised and will happily carry out non-religious weddings in any setting you like (currently the only real option if you wanted an out-doors wedding or similar).

Ms Mustard

for sure, unless of course you want something religious yourself in which case the Unitarian church might be a good compromise.

Tald to your fiance and come up with a joint decision on what's best for you two and then present that decision in a calm way to your family.

Good luck!

joeymaccy

Dear All, thanks for all your comments today - I really appreciate it!

hoodwinked

i think a good litmus test for this is children (if you both want them of course)

if you have a child will you want them baptised/communion/confirmation...etc?

if you do will your partner?

if you do and he doesn't can you reach a compromise? these should all be asked now before you get married,

if you are both happy to go down the baptized route then a church wedding should be ok.

if you both don't want to do those id go civil.


if one is different to the other on opinion you need to compromise in some way or another.


leave your family out of this to be honest they will always have opinions, you just need to find out what feels right to you and then reach a compromise with your fiance!

i hope this helps! good luck!

Blondie919

Go for option b joey as its you and your fiancee's big day. I'm sure that your folks will be happy for you on the day no matter where it's held. As for the priest cousin, if he's going to be disappointed and sulky about it then don't invite him.

Myself and my girlfriend are having a civil ceremony early next year and we've told everyone from the start that this will not be in any way religious. We haven't been met with opposition from anyone. Maybe that's because if anyone wants to complain it will fall on deaf ears.

Blondie919

Also, you say that a civil ceremony will certainly lead to family feuds and bad vibes. I'd suggest you tell your family that if they can't be happy for you on your wedding day then maybe they should not attend.

Gatica

I agree with everyone else. Decide what is best for you both first, without worrying about opinions of families, friends, etc... Since you don't care either way and he cares very much about going civil, I'd go civil in your shoes. The weight of everyone else's opinion is little by comparison.

There were other posters before that said family would refuse to attend or would throw a bit of a tantrum if things weren't done their way, and then when they saw that no one was giving into their petulant demands they quietened down and attended the wedding and commented on the fact that it was lovely. So don't worry, they're far more likely to come around to the idea by the time you get married! (If not, then that's their problem)

Beruthiel

joeymaccy wrote: »

My folks are super religious

That's their problem, not yours.

and old fashioned and would like my fiancee and I to have a church wedding.

Tough.

My mum's cousin is a priest and has married everyone in my family.

Does he want a chocloate medal?

My fiancee is totally against having a church wedding and is insisting on a civil ceremony.

I genuinely don't care and could do either and would do whatever would keep everyone happy.

if I demand a church wedding

So you don't care either way, but yet, you think it perfectly ok to 'demand' a church wedding because what your future husband wants for his special day is not as important as what 'everybody' else wants.

Part of me thinks my fiancee should not put me in such a difficult spot and just do the church thing.

Wow. Seriously?
Who's wedding is this?
You and your partner or your folks?
Were I your partner, I'd be having serious doubts about getting married.
Certainly, there is no way in hell you would talk me into a church wedding.
We had a lovely, short hand fasting ceremony and even though my parents are as religious as they come, they enjoyed the day.

A little tip, don't discuss your wedding with your parents. I went ahead and organised the wedding and told everyone what was happening after it was all set up.
Not a word was said, and if it had been, people would have been reminded that it's our wedding, not yours.

Sorry if that sounds harsh OP, but this day is about the two of you.
It has absolutely nothing to do with the wants and wishes of anybody else.
If someone has a problem with that, don't be afraid to remind them of that fact.
Why you would allow the interference of others in one of the most special days in your life, is beyond me.

joeymaccy

Hi Beruthiel,
Thanks for your brutally frank response.
I think your point not to discuss it with anyone and just tell people what is going to happen is sage advice, thanks.
You've really helped me make my mind up - church wedding is out! hurrah!
Cheers!

pwurple

Joey I wouldn't be so quick to rule this out TBH.

We were in the same situation. Neither me or hubbie are in any way religious. My dad and his mam were both religious.

We found a solution that worked for everyone, and had a priest do a marriage ceremony (NOT a mass) in a civil venue. It worked well for us. We had a nice young, chilled out priest, who took out every reference we didn't like. The readings were poems. There was no communion etc.

Everyone's family was happy with it. We were happy with it. The priest was a dote, and is still a friend.

Weddings are family occasions, and it is nice to consider the feelings of your parents and try to compromise, rather than to say a big FU to them on the day.

pwurple

Beruthiel wrote: »

A little tip, don't discuss your wedding with your parents. I went ahead and organised the wedding and told everyone what was happening after it was all set up.
Not a word was said, and if it had been, people would have been reminded that it's our wedding, not yours.

Gosh Beruthiel, I think that's a really cold way to treat a family for a wedding. All families are different, but we are pretty close to ours.

My mam loved being involved in our wedding planning. Looking at outfits for us. She was so excited. My husbands family were a great help with the ceremony. Our friends helped out with invites, and even neighbours helped with when I went gathering flowers from my grandmothers garden.

My brothers came with us when we were deciding on food, and a colleague who loves travel advised on our honeymoon.

I really loved all that preparation with other people involved, and doing it all myself and just telling them to butt out and show up sounds like the complete opposite of what I would have wanted.

Saying "It's our wedding not yours" is... well... kinda rude?

lazygal

pwurple wrote: »

Weddings are family occasions, and it is nice to consider the feelings of your parents and try to compromise, rather than to say a big FU to them on the day.

I disagree. Weddings are about the solemnizing of the couple's relationship. I was marrying my husband, not his family, and vice versa. I've seen friends give into pressure for religious blessings they didn't want after civil ceremonies or full church weddings, and then the next thing is the children 'have' to be baptized, the holy communion and confirmation hoopla starts and children are being brought to mass. Our parents had their weddings, and as such had no say in the type of ceremony we had. Weddings might involve asking family and friends to celebrate with the couple, but its the couple who are getting married and the most important part of the day, i.e. the wedding ceremony, should reflect them and them alone, not be a sign of pressure imposed and pressure to come from the parents of the couple.
I would like to think both our parents raised independent children who can think for themselves as adults and wouldn't be so selfish as to impose their wishes regardless of how we felt on one of the most important days of our lives. We're due our first child now and as we didn't give into any of the initial 'hints' about a wedding with a religious flavour, its been far easier to swat away comments about christening the child etc. Start married life as you mean to go on, as a couple independent of your families, while still of course respecting that not everyone in the family thinks the way you do.

Ginny

But it is "your wedding"?
There's a difference in a family being involved rather then dictating how a couples wedding should be. I would never dream of telling any children I have how to organise their wedding or what I wanted at their wedding, it's their day I had mine.

Beruthiel

pwurple wrote: »

Saying "It's our wedding not yours" is... well... kinda rude?

Not at all.
What is rude, is other people telling you how you should run your day and interfering in your plans and causing you stress if you don't want to do it their way.
Under those circumstances, it is not at all rude to tell someone to back.

You had people help you out, in the way you wanted, not making your life miserable because they expect you to do something you don't want to.
Totally different scenario.

pwurple

I see what you mean. To me it read more like OP doesn't mind either way, and is being pushed between the two differing opinions. It's not that she doesn't want something and is being shoved it. She isn't bothered one bit. It's not like she is being bullied into something she doesn't want. She could take or leave either.

What I would do, is try to find a compromise so that both parents and fiancée are happy with it.

Rather than single-mindedly set out to piss off one or the other.

Ginny

joeymaccy wrote: »

. My fiancee is totally against having a church wedding and is insisting on a civil ceremony. Whilst baptised a Catholic, he never goes to mass and thinks the church is a load of nonsense.!

this is the important part of the OP, one of the couple is totally against a church wedding. It is their wedding day. IMO if one partner isn't that bothered either way and one has a definite view then obviously the definite view should be the deciding one. The couples views either as a couple or as individuals are more important the those of other family members who are not getting maried on the day.

Sleepy

We've involved our family and friends in the things we thought they might be able to help with: my mother found the hotel for us, my fiancée's mother is doing the dress and giving feedback on the bridesmaids outfits etc. Not one of them expected a religious wedding and tbh, knew the answer they'd have gotten if they suggested it.

jackofalltrades

pwurple wrote: »

What I would do, is try to find a compromise so that both parents and fiancée are happy with it.

I'm not a parent, but if I did have children and one of them got married when they were older, I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't be happy with the wedding that they planned.

I'd see it as a celebration of the love people my child and someone else and would help if it was requested but keep my nose out otherwise. I just can't imagine being selfish to the point of letting what I want overrule the wishes of my grown children. I think it would be incredibly sad for them to have less than their perfect day because of my wishes.