Need to change how I think...

LegacyUser

I seriously need some help here. I've been thinking about writing this thread for some time and never quite know what to say, but have decided I need some advice urgently before I ruin everything.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and living together for 1 year - we've had issues in the past where he's done things to betray my trust and hurt me (not cheating, but betrayal of trust all the same) but I've forgiven him and we've moved on - to an extent..

I have serious trust issues and serious issues in general really when it comes to men, for instance, when I see couples together my first thought is, I wonder if he's ever cheated on her. I know this is not normal but this is how my mind works, I constantly think that men get bored at some point in relationships, be it when they are married, together a few years, or have kids - I feel that at some point or another they all have affairs and go after a bit of fun.

This I know stems from the fact that my father was a cheater, manipulator and a liar, had several affairs on my mother and even ended up living with one woman he cheated with and her kids, who were all around the same age as us at the time - my mother took him back each time untill he eventually left to live with another women and her young kinds. This has affected me badly and it's not until recent years really when I've started thinking about having a family of my own, that I have realised it.

I think it's to do with the fact that we are talking marraige and kids and to be honest it scares the hell out of me because I'm convinced that somewhere along the line my boyfriend will get bored and have an affair and I'll end up like my mother and my kids will end up like me.. I do not want that to happen obviously.

Sometimes I think if I was with the 'right' man then I wouldn't feel like this but I remember before I got with my boyfriend - who was my first serious relationship - that I always stayed away from men and was never interested in anything because of this, I also remember when I was a teenager saying I wanted to be a single mother.. which is just weird.

Anyway, sorry for rambling - the point of this post is because I am seriously pushing my boyfriend away. I know I'm doing it and I can't stop myself. I say horrible things to him about the relationship, about when we're married - things like, what's the point in getting married, you're just going to have an affair and we'll end up divorced anyway - this is how I genuinely feel but I shouldn't be saying these things. And I hate feeling like this.

It's awful and I feel awful and I feel so sorry for him sometimes.. I don't know what to do really.

I even thought about breaking up with him so I wouldn't feel like this anymore but I do genuinely love him to death, don't want to be with anyone else and I want to marry him and have his children but I know that one day he's going to leave because I push him to it.

I also find myself bringing up the past alot, thing's that happened.. thing's he's done and I know that I can't keep doing that because it's not fair.

I also find myself sometimes majorly overreacting to things and wanting to break up with him over stupid thing's just to get away from this feeling but then realise that this is my issue and no matter who I'm with I'm going to feel like this.

To be honest, I'm amazed he hasn't left already, I would have if it was the other way around.

I'm just a bit of a mess really and would like advice on how to just be happy with what I have - he's a really great guy and I do see my future with him and him with me but I can't go on like this, it's not fair on him.

I'm really sorry for the long post - like I said, been thinking about it for a while and I just blurted anything that came to me out!

If you've gotten this fair I really appreciate it and any advice is welcome!

Thanks!!

bouncebouncey

I think these are the kind of deep rooted issues that are best discussed with a professional rather than answered on a MB.

The fact you are aware that you are serious issues around men, relationships and trust stemming from your childhood is enough for me to think you should go and talk to someone who is trained to help you with these things rather than listening to a load of pop psychology on here.

There is no easy fix and I wish you the best of luck with addressing the things you want to change.