I've been thoughtless and need to make amends.

LegacyUser

This is something that been playing on my mind for the last few months. I think I've messed up and been thoughtless and I need some advice on how to make amends.

I'm from a small town and have a group of close female friends that I've known since the beginning of secondary (I'm in my early 30s now). One of them moved to Wales when we were in our early 20s and although I stayed in touch with her for the first few years, we haven't been in constant contact since then. I moved to England a few years after she moved there and I visited her with other friends a couple of times. Basically I wouldn't call her a close friends anymore at all but the other friends would be touch with her more and I know what she's up to through them.

I see her at Christmas when I go home to my hometown (I live on the continent now) and we always get along well and I suppose if she hadn't moved away or we lived in the same country, we would've still been close. I still think she's a great girl and care about her despite not being close anymore.

She had a baby just after Christmas and here's the problem. I didn't phone her or send her a card or pressie. I now that sounds very selfish and I know it is but I'm not a selfish person and I look out for the friends I have and would do anything for them and I wouldn't call myself a stingy person at all.

The thing is, I don't have a landline and I have to go to call centres to phone her and I tried once, didn't get an answer and didn't try again. I don't earn very much money at all and have been putting off buying a present (plus postage!) until I had a bit more cash to spare. I also didn't know what to get her. Kept putting off the purchase until I thought of something.

Saying that though, these are just excuses. I could've forked out the money and got her something and I should've made more of an effort to call. Now it's got to the stage where I feel too much time has passed to send a pressie or call. I feel it would seem too little too late and I've put the final nail in any kind of friendship we might've had left.

Were not close friends anymore...I don't think she has much of an idea of what's going on with my life and wouldn't visit me here but we're still bonded by our past and the fact that I will see her at Christmas and it's going to be awward as hell. I'm afraid that she might've told our mutual friends as well and they must think it's bizarre behaviour from me. She's had a baby, we were good friends in the past and I've sent her nothing and haven't even congratulated her (I did send a congratulatory message on Facebook to her husband though....which is not enough I know).

I feel like a complete sham and riddled with guilt. I know some of you might jump to conclusions as to what kind of person I am but just to clarify that this is not my normal way of going about things. Money is very tight right now. Struggling to pay bills, so whatever I do, I'm limited on what I can spend.

How can I apologise and make amends? Maybe a present and a card explaining what I said here?

What would you do? Please go easy on me...I already know I've messed up here.

Thanks guys.

P. Breathnach

I suspect that you are more bothered by this than you should be. It's not that big a deal.

Yes, send her a card and a present. Don't get into awkward explanations. If you can treat it in a light-hearted way, it might work well - something like "Just when you thought you weren't going to get any more presents ..." or "Winter's over; I'm out of hibernation; I hear you had a baby while I was asleep". Or if that doesn't fit your style, a simple "Sorry I took so long" might do.

Neyite

I have just had a baby and honestly, I would not expect a gift from an old friend I barely see. I've already warned my own family not to go nuts buying stuff, send her a text or an email and wish her well, apologising for the delay in contacting her.

Ickle Magoo

As people get older they get busier and busier lives - while some are brilliant at sending cards and gifts weeks before birthdays/anniversaries/etc, others aren't - that's just a fact of life and I think they'd have to be fairly petty to be offended that someone who isn't really a close friend any more dared to send a card/prezzie late.

If you really want to get more than a card then just buy something small and send it with a card wishing her well and add apologies that you'd meant to send something for ages. I got a few of those when I had my kids and I was really touched they were thinking of me/going to the effort of getting something at all - the fact it was late didn't bother me at all.

All the best OP.

Daisy M

I received gifts for my children for at least a year if not more from some people. I didnt expect anything and was delighted to be thought of. Send a card for now its not to late and you will feel better about it all. Include a letter and ask if she would email on a pic of the baby as you would love to see him/her. You could call and visit whenever you are home again and bring a small gift. As you do not live in Ireland maybe you could buy a gift traditional to where you live now so it would be something a little different than other gifts received it really doesnt have to cost a lot, you could get a frame or blanket that says "baby girl/boy" in the native langueage of your country of residence, it would have a more exotic feel to it!! I never discussed with my friends which of our mutual friends did or did not give gifts and nor did they with me when any of us had babies. I would be suprised if people discussed this sort of thing.

AckwelFoley

OP, i think you are being too hard on yourself, do as ickle has said, eve if only a card.

As said the older you get the less peole are wrapped up with friends, as family and children take precident

Green Gelato

I agree - you are being way too hard on yourself. It's hard to keep up with all the friends you see every day, not to mention the ones that don't even live in the same country.

A card would probably be appreciated, even now, but I think a present is unneccessary if you're not seeing them in the flesh. I'm sure it hasn't even crossed her mind that you never sent anything - when people have their first baby they are bombarded with gifts and cards. Just buy a card/present now and have it ready for when baby number 2 comes along (they don't get any presents!).

rainbowtrout

You haven't been close friends for at least 10 years from what you are saying, so I'd say the worry is more in your head than anything else. She probably wasn't expecting anything from you. I know if I was in her position I wouldn't be expecting anything from a friend I had drifted apart from 10 years ago. However if it puts you at ease, like everyone else said you can send her a gift and just say 'sorry, I'm only getting around to this now, thought I better send it before she started school!' I'm sure she won't expect it and will think it's a nice surprise.

Friends of mine who had babies in the last year are still getting stuff from people they work with who only live half a mile away from them and see them regularly!

Killed By Death

Ah OP, you're being very hard on yourself. I doubt the girl will be mortally offended at all. Life gets busy and it's impossible to be perfectly on time all the time with pressies etc, especially when you live in different countries.

Send her something and a nice card, don't over-explain, maybe just mention 'sorry this is so belated' kind of thing. But really, don't go giving all the excuses, there's no need!

Believe me the girl will be delighted and probably hasn't even noticed anyway, she'll be so busy with the baby!