Is this worth leaving a job over?

dislikemyjob

Hi all, long term user going as a guest for this, I could do with some advice.

Basically, I have a very well paid job, close to home and not much pressure, problem is I only have about 4 people tops who I have anything in common with and can chat to, the rest are either hard drinking sports addicts (men) or very ignorant cliquey, shallow women who talk about themselves day and night, the culture is very very social and anyone who they deem not part of this are excluded and even mocked so I have been pretty much written off by a large number of workmates as an antisocial person, even my boss doesnt attempt small talk with me anymore.

Im a good worker with no attendence issues and I do the best in any job I do but there are times when I can spend a whole day being ignored by others, even when Im polite and trying to be friendly. I admit i have a very quiet life and prefer reading or travelling to getting hammered every saturday but this silent judgment from my workers leaves me quite upset at times and I have felt very isolated this past year. Its like the whole office is a popularity contest, even though most of us are in our 30s.

Then i get my payslip and its fantastic and I have had many good holidays based on that money so i vow to stay on but at this stage the ONLY reason Im there is the cash, not the friends, culture etc. Is this enough to stay in a job or do you reckon I should be looking to move on to a place which may be less judgmental than this, I dont know what to do. Im there just over 3 years now.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same position as you. My colleagues think I'm some shy loser and my boss thinks I'm moody when really I'm just not into giving out about the government or talking at length about my media center setup or sport so I get left out of everything.

Is it worth leaving over? If it interferes with your job because you are being excluded then it's worth considering.

For a long time, I let that happen myself and that is my fault, but now I just get my thing done and don't worry about these people. Beyond work, I don't give them a second thought but I would really like to work somewhere with more like minded individuals who don't have a secondary school mentality in their 30s and 40s.

Nody

If that's the only reason stay on because you're unlikely to find a well paid work close to home AND have perfect work colleagues to chat with on the side.

edellc

Look work colleagues are just that work colleagues they are not your friends and from what your saying do you really want to be friends with them?

yes its hard when you spend 8hrs a day with people who ignore you and dont have many to socialise with but you do have some and you dont need lots of friends just one or two close ones is more than enough

I really dont think you should leave because of this reason, it would be so hard to find another job with the same benefits that you have now and the grass is not always greener even though it looks it

peace and love OP x

thrilledskinny

Hi OP, am in fairly similar position myself. And am too v much considering leaving my well paid job to seek happiness else where. Female colleges r exactly like yours. Though I have learnt why I never really liked them the hard way. I'v also learnt its tough to b at bottom end of bitching. It's tough being excluded.

also feel at times why should I b bullied out of my job. i'm sure they'd love it if I left, one less 'inferior'' person at tea break etc.
Also I'm as entitled to my job as they are.

Like u I am always polite and nice and get blanks, raised eyes and private glances being exchanged around me.
So not sure what advice to give. If I can get another job I'm gone. Life is too short to b unhappy. All work places and thirty something yr olds can't be thus childish can they, its primary infant stuff !


Best of luck and believe in yourself and your real friends out side of work ;-)

sea_monkey

no matter how close you get to people you work with at the end of the day they will never (or very rarely) be your friends

if any of those in the clique were to leave, they would be forgotten about quickly by the rest. you have a life outside of work, these people dont, they need that environment

its the same mentality as popularity contests in school. it means nothing. just be polite and bring a book for when youre alone and continue to enjoy your holidays and hobbies

Squ

Do what i do, wear ear phones all day. I used to get bothered by the click, but now entertain myself by thinking of ways to annoy them.

mikemac1

These people are your colleagues and no more

None of them would be there for you in an emergency

Been in my job a good few years and lunch buddies have come and gone.

If I'm on my own I go to the local gym at lunch and work up a sweat in a spin class.
Or have a swim and a long shower
Anything to get out of the place

Always take your lunch OP and get out of the place for a while, breaks up the stress.
If all you do is take a walk you'll feel better

Have you a local gym?

Grass isn't greener OP, cliques are everywhere

looksee

If there are four people you can get on with, you are doing ok. You don't really want to be bothered with the others anyway, so don't worry about them.

However, just for the sake of argument. I guess you are female. If you don't feel you have anything in common with the other women they in turn probably feel that you are stand-offish, aloof, snobbish, superior, unsociable, etc. It is not a statement that you are or you are not, it is their perception.

You say they are judgmental, but so are you! You imply that they are in the wrong - you describe them as ignorant and shallow, and suggest that you are right - you describe yourself as polite, quiet, and you prefer a more cultured approach to life.

You are perfectly entitled to live your life however you wish, and I would personally go with your way too, but you can't have it both ways. You don't want to engage on their level, and they have no idea what your level is, so you have to accept that the best you can hope for is peaceful co-existence. Try and be calm and pleasant, relaxed and open towards them, but rather detatched and professional. Let them think what they wish, it doesn't matter, you don't want any of them as close friends.

They do not talk to you because conversation has to be two way and you probably do not offer them a great deal of encouragement. You say yourself you do not do small talk. You decide, do you want to engage in a tedious conversation about last night's tv soaps, or what shade of eyeliner would suit Deirdre? No? (and I don't blame you ) Are they likely to want to discuss the book you are reading? No. So leave them to it and engage with the people you can talk to.

Stay with the job though, keep your social life separate and don't hassle yourself about friends in the workplace, accept they are colleagues, and you only have to work with them, not like them.

psicic

The big question that makes all the difference - are you lying awake at night thinking about this exclusion? Is it causing you an upset stomach? Are you carrying the burden of 'exclusion' with you after work or at weekends?

I've a friend who, up until recently, was tied up in knots about being ignored by certain cliques or not being included. We'd meet up, and all she would talk about incessantly is how this one did that, or how she wasn't invited on teabreak, or how she didn't want to go to the Christmas 'do' because she had nothing in common with these people, but felt like she was forced to. Not straight-out bullying - just a general exclusion and a feeling on her part people could be talking about her (one person in particular).

I had worked with my friend previously, and know how much stock she put in the opinions of others around her - despite her reserved nature, she also was very people-based. I also know how much she unknowingly raised the hackles of others around her - be it with an inability to engage in an inane conversation about soaps, too timid and reserved to engage in a tell-all description of her 'weekend roide' and just not operating from a shared pool of experience generally. The cliques did see this as being 'stand-offish', some even felt she thought she was too good for them, which couldn't be further from the truth.

When I worked in the same office as her, I saw the cliques, except I didn't feel like anyone was forcing me to a Christmas party. So what if a gaggle of people I had nothing in common with went to teabreak without me? (I do teabreaks for the tea, not the gossip!) And really, why would I pretend to share interests with people who all I have in common with is the place that I work?

I've since moved on to a job with an okay salary - far less than I feel I'm worth :rolleyes: - but okay. I have constant hassle all day in my work - usually caused by management ignoring issues I've flagged to them well in advance or other general evidence of mismanagement. I chew Rennies like no man's business. I get on okay with the other staff - though some of them would spend all day talking to you about nothing if you let them. From my perspective, and not to diminish what is obviously a big issue to you currently - if I could trade the odd awkward conversation about rugby with my boss or some of the general chit-chat in the office in exchange for a better salary, a better location closer to home or for even half the pressure I'm under now, I would without hesitation.

I'm a guy - and without trying to sound sexist I think this is something that affects women more than men. I eventually got sick of being subtle with my friend and I just came out and asked why she cared? (I'll admit it - I was sick of hearing long, winding stories about what x or y did when I barely even knew them and didn't really see the perceived slight as so massive an issue as my friend did) So we had a long chat about what these people were doing and why it mattered to her. We came to some conclusions and, over the course of a few months, my friend began to put things in perspective.

Without wanting to sound like a self-help book, she seems a lot more empowered and in control of her relationships in work. Like you, she was on the verge of quitting a year ago, but now the things that once annoyed her are much more in perspective.

That bit of personal pop-psychology probably doesn't help you much - but maybe it is time to step back and ask what is it exactly you expect from these people in work? As much as they are all pally and part of the one clique, it obviously from your post that they're not bosom-buddies - probably not even real friends. Do you want to be part of their group? Or are you just looking for run-of-the-mill civility - because that doesn't automatically come with chit-chats and communal lunches.

It's because your situation sounded a little similar to my friends that I bothered posting at all, so excuse the verbose waffle. Just make sure you've had a long think about it before running for the door.

jeckle

Try changing your mindset a bit to suit the present situation.

Easier said than done, but if you think about it, you are there to do a job to the best of your ability & to further your career - not to make friends.

You never know, not being part of a clique may work to your advantage further down the line if a promotion comes up. Your employer may consider you more suitable for promotion if you are not part of a clique purely because you would find a transition to a more senior role, especially if it involved giving any direction to members of the clique, whereas they would find it a lot more difficult to distance themselves from any percieved friendships or loyalty to each other, instead of loyalty to the firm.

Once you are polite to & co-operative with your colleagues & show yourself to be conscientious at what you do, this is mostly what should concern you.

I realise that you may feel out in the cold, which can be upsetting, but as others have said you are not there to make fake friends or to socialise. Occupy your coffee & lunch breaks doing things which relieve stress - even if it's just taking a walk or getting some fresh air. If feeling a bit left out, plan your next holiday or think how miserable you'd feel if you were unemployed.

Sometimes, a night out with a group of co-workers can change people's attitudes & opinions towards each other, & it could be the case that something like that is all that's needed to improve the situation, so that might be an option also. Consider that quite a lot of people who work together, in 'real life' would never have come across each other, or have similar interests to each other. Only for the fact that they are thrown together through work they wouldn't have to put up with each other, so that's often more of a challenge than the actual work itself. So, try to bear in mind that the situation is not purely down to you or to them, & a lot of the time a mutual ground can be reached with a bit of effort on both sides.

As the old saying goes: you work to live, not live to work. Very few people are lucky enough to wake up every day & look forward to going in to work. You're in the same situation, just for slightly different reasons, so try not to worry & remember the situation might not always be as bad as it is now.

Of course none of us know the exact situation or atmosphere, but generally speaking it's not worth leaving a job over IMO.

Mrs OBumble

I wouldn't leave a job over this sort of stuff directly, and agree with a lot of the rest of the advice about them being colleagues not friends.

But if you've been there three years, and aren't fazed by the prospect on being on probation for a year again, why not look around and see if you can find similarly well paying and close to home work (or some toss up between them) elsewhere?

You have nothing to lose by looking around. Just don't do anything rash.

Amanda7326

i believe that in this day and age people are having to do a lot of things they might not like to stay afloat and feed their families
also there are thousands who cant find work
so it would be my opinion to be gratefull to have a job and if everyone else is mean then shame on them, but i definately wouldnt leave over it

dislikemyjob

Thanks very much for the replies guys. To answer the question, Im actually a man with this problem and yes, sometimes this can spill over to my weekend and evenings, the main problem is that many people can be very rude to you if they dont see you as "in" the clique and their mindset is that you are either in or out, and if you are out you are not worth bothering with at all. I know my self esteem could be higher but some days its fine and others when Im low, I feel so used or sick from other people's snappy and rude manners I feel like just walking out. Basically, because Im not a hugely social person, I get hanged for little things by some co workers and my boss whereas if I was part of the clique they would just laugh it off, very frustrating.

Having read the replies though, Im not sure a new job would help and im still me no matter where I go and would no doubt be viewed the same way by co workers so the gras probably isnt greener anywhere else, I am going to work on my own self esteem rather than jump ship, cheers for the replies people.

AnnyHallsal

The stigma around shyness is unfair - nowt wrong with it! My advice would be to be civil and get on with things. If they want to be nice or nasty that's their decision. You only control how you act and if you can hold your head up then that's enough. By the by there's a book The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain about how society's insistence that everyone pretend to be an extrovert is ridiculous. Might help.

FloatingVoter

Susan Cain has quite an interesting TED talk here...http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html

bootybouncer

lads lassies, get a grip of yourselves...............................wait until you are out of work nearly a year and then try spout this immature fickle drivel............................man the bloody hell up and get on with your life, good paying job, close to home, little pressure????????????????? tell me your still not at home with your mammy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

People would take that kind of job off ya in a heartbeat, you really dont know how lucky you are

looksee

bootybouncer wrote: »

lads lassies, get a grip of yourselves...............................wait until you are out of work nearly a year and then try spout this immature fickle drivel............................man the bloody hell up and get on with your life, good paying job, close to home, little pressure????????????????? tell me your still not at home with your mammy !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

People would take that kind of job off ya in a heartbeat, you really dont know how lucky you are

Thank you for that contribution, its very helpful! I can see how it would frustrate you if you are out of work, but everyone's problems are their own.

It can be helpful to tell yourself that other people are worse off, but in the end you have to learn to deal with life throws at you. Just because he has a job does not mean that all issues vanish, and he is entitled to ask for help without being told off.

You could come on asking for help about problems with your partner (assuming you have one). How helpful would it be to have someone to give you the above advice, based on 'Be grateful you have a partner', etc. 'Not a lot' is the answer.

Gmol

looksee wrote: »

If there are four people you can get on with, you are doing ok. You don't really want to be bothered with the others anyway, so don't worry about them.

However, just for the sake of argument. I guess you are female. If you don't feel you have anything in common with the other women they in turn probably feel that you are stand-offish, aloof, snobbish, superior, unsociable, etc. It is not a statement that you are or you are not, it is their perception.

You say they are judgmental, but so are you! You imply that they are in the wrong - you describe them as ignorant and shallow, and suggest that you are right - you describe yourself as polite, quiet, and you prefer a more cultured approach to life.

You are perfectly entitled to live your life however you wish, and I would personally go with your way too, but you can't have it both ways. You don't want to engage on their level, and they have no idea what your level is, so you have to accept that the best you can hope for is peaceful co-existence. Try and be calm and pleasant, relaxed and open towards them, but rather detatched and professional. Let them think what they wish, it doesn't matter, you don't want any of them as close friends.

They do not talk to you because conversation has to be two way and you probably do not offer them a great deal of encouragement. You say yourself you do not do small talk. You decide, do you want to engage in a tedious conversation about last night's tv soaps, or what shade of eyeliner would suit Deirdre? No? (and I don't blame you ) Are they likely to want to discuss the book you are reading? No. So leave them to it and engage with the people you can talk to.

Stay with the job though, keep your social life separate and don't hassle yourself about friends in the workplace, accept they are colleagues, and you only have to work with them, not like them.

Very good advice here.