Tell me this is inappropriate...

Shelga

The recent "Have you ever been sexually assaulted?" thread made for saddening and eye-opening reading. So much goes on in the 'grey' area of what is and is not deemed assault. With this in mind, I want to describe something that happened last night and hopefully be reassured that I didn't completely overreact.

Was out last night in a big group. Returned early to crash on a friend's couch. An hour or so later a male friend/acquaintance came back and slept on the other couch of the room I was in. Several times in the night he stumbled over to my couch, obviously hammered, and started touching my legs. I tried to laugh it off and squirmed away, just wanting to sleep. Then when back on his own couch he started saying he'd love to go out with me, and asking me personal questions about whether I'm involved with a close male friend of mine, the answers to which are frankly none of his business. When he asked me directly if I was interested in going out with him, I was truthful and said no, in a nice way. Eventually we went to sleep on our separate couches.

Here's where he freaked me out. Some time later, around dawn, I woke up to him standing over me, touching my leg again and undoing his fly! Some kind of instinctive response kicked in and I screamed at him to eff off. I left early this morning, and am now getting calls and texts off him saying sorry, and that he must have been sleepwalking (wtf?) I have never given this guy any indication that I was interested in him that way, and have only been friendly and polite. I don't know him very well so don't feel I owe him an answer to his texts. I don't feel traumatised or anything, but I do feel what he did was pretty messed up, drunk or not. My female housemate was in a similar situation last week, with a guy trying it on with her as she tried to sleep at a house party.

Has this type of thing happened to many other women? I do not feel it was assault but completely inappropriate and unacceptable. Has just got me thinking I suppose. What it comes down to is I don't want to 'laugh it off' which seems to be the default reaction to these things.

MagicMarker

It's very inappropriate, and I would be staying away from him future if I were you.

MidlandsM

Sleep walking my **** .........he's dangerous............stay well clear and tell him if he does'nt stay clear of you, you'll report him to the gardai.

Tonyandthewhale

I don't know how anyone could consider that even a distant cousin of appropriate. Total creep behaviour, drunk or not.

I'm unsure as to why you even have to ask if it's inappropriate. Whatever about his rubbing your legs once, but to then undo his fly while standing over you...

The concern is what would have happened if you hadn't woken up. Alcohol or not, sounds like a would-be rapist and I would personally refer it to the Gardaí and see what could be done about it.

Yes, perhaps over the line, but you really have to ask what if the OP was in a position where she was in a deep alcohol-induced sleep .. what would have happened then?

Fluorescence

Better suited here, OP

_dublinlad_

MidlandsM wrote: »

Sleep walking my **** .........he's dangerous............stay well clear and tell him if he does'nt stay clear of you, you'll report him to the gardai.

Disagree somewhat with this post.

First of all yes it was creepy and inappropriate to come over and touch your leg when you where asleep, even with drink on him. In saying this, I would not instantly dismiss his sleep walking excuse. I sleep walk fairly often when I drink, and ive ended up getting up and getting into other peoples beds, standing over them randomly, urinating on the floor etc.... None of these I am proud of, but I have gotten myself into embarassing positions that must have looked creepy to the girls in the house.

Sure he could be making it up and just be a pure creep, however sleepwalking and instances like this are not as uncommon as you would think. Just make sure not to sleep in the same room as him again...

_dublinlad_

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

Disagree somewhat with this post.

First of all yes it was creepy and inappropriate to come over and touch your leg when you where asleep, even with drink on him. In saying this, I would not instantly dismiss his sleep walking excuse. I sleep walk fairly often when I drink, and ive ended up getting up and getting into other peoples beds, standing over them randomly, urinating on the floor etc.... None of these I am proud of, but I have gotten myself into embarassing positions that must have looked creepy to the girls in the house.

Sure he could be making it up and just be a pure creep, however sleepwalking and instances like this are not as uncommon as you would think. Just make sure not to sleep in the same room as him again...

If that's the way you get when you're drinking, then you need to stop. But this thread isn't about you, so yeah, this guy is a creep. Absolute creep.

_dublinlad_

Deleted User wrote: »

If that's the way you get when you're drinking, then you need to stop. But this thread isn't about you, so yeah, this guy is a creep. Absolute creep.

I only posted because I know that sleep walking is not the most uncommon thing in the world. 95% of the time when people sleep walk (including me) all they do is go for a stroll around innocently and eventualy stumble back into bed with zero harm being caused. But there are times when one does a little more then just stumble around. Again im not condoning these actions - im just saying this stuff just happens - all the time, to many many people.

As far as you suggesting that I should not drink, dont be ridiculous. Ive never done anything as creepy as the OP has told us here, only happens bout once every year or two, and it is always laughed off in the morning

That guys just needs to not fall asleep around women. Simple as that.

MagicMarker

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

As far as you suggesting that I should not drink, dont be ridiculous. Ive never done anything as creepy as the OP has told us here, only happens bout once every year or two, and it is always laughed off in the morning

.....

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

I sleep walk fairly often when I drink, and ive ended up getting up and getting into other peoples beds, standing over them randomly, urinating on the floor etc.... None of these I am proud of, but I have gotten myself into embarassing positions that must have looked creepy to the girls in the house.

Sounds fairly creepy to me, if I were you I would certainly not be drinking if I knew there would be other people around.

Ickle Magoo

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Green Gelato

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

Disagree somewhat with this post.

In saying this, I would not instantly dismiss his sleep walking excuse. I sleep walk fairly often when I drink, and ive ended up getting up and getting into other peoples beds, standing over them randomly, urinating on the floor etc.... None of these I am proud of, but I have gotten myself into embarassing positions that must have looked creepy to the girls in the house.

It's true - he may have only been getting ready to urinate on you!!! Ha! Bet that makes you feel way better!

Actually this almost happened to me before - woke up to my housemate's bf coming into my room and heading for my bed, fumbling at his fly... I could tell he was asleep though and mistook my room for the bathroom cause he was pissed. I called his name and he copped on/woke up and left. Freaked me out a bit, but more because I was so close to getting pissed on in my own bed... So many people I know have been accidently urinated on or almost urinated on by drunk boys in the past. It's a really disgusting habit and anyone that does it should seriously question their drinking. Ok slightly off the topic here...

Anyway, whatever the guy was up to in your situation, it inexcusable. I would remind him of it every time you see him until the embarrasment makes him feel as bad as you feel. This usually works in these situations and it might make you feel better...

thefeatheredcat

Shelga wrote: »

I don't know him very well so don't feel I owe him an answer to his texts. I don't feel traumatised or anything, but I do feel what he did was pretty messed up, drunk or not. My female housemate was in a similar situation last week, with a guy trying it on with her as she tried to sleep at a house party.

Has this type of thing happened to many other women? I do not feel it was assault but completely inappropriate and unacceptable. Has just got me thinking I suppose. What it comes down to is I don't want to 'laugh it off' which seems to be the default reaction to these things.

Nope, you don't owe him anything, not even a response to his texts and calls! Doesn't matter that he used the "drunk" excuse - it's never an excuse and should not be a reason or justification for anyone to use for their behaviour.

Don't laugh it off. Even when people do it's more of an embarrassment/humiliation rather than it actually being funny to laugh at, like it's awkward but people don't want to make too much of a deal with it. You know something similar happened to your friend, have you talked about both incidents with her?

This type of stuff the longer people "laugh it off" and pretend there's no issue about it, laugh it off as a drunken stunt or whatever the longer people will do this and think it's perfectly ok and fine to do in the first place. It's only because you caught the guy out and made a deal of it at the time that he is in anyway apologizing.

I would definately keep well away from this guy and others like him. Recognise that creeps like that are around and I think as this is happened with your friend too, you and your female friends should really talk about it and look out for eachother and voice your opinions on it, especially with other friends and at parties that that sort of behaviour is not acceptable and encourage friends that if this should happen to going forward, on giving them confidence to deal with it confidently rather than feel embarrassed about it or awkward about expressing how they feel about it.

silly

yes, it was inappropriate - but he was drunk, and was probably going for a piss. I wouldnt read into it too much if i were you.
My husband often gets up in the wee hours after having a few too many and i'd catch him about to pee in the corner of the room..

Johnny Bitte

Heard a horror story from a colleague where a women went back to stay in her friends house with a group of friends she knew for years. She woke up to one of the male friends on top of her, pin her down raped her and hurt her badly. She was brave enough to get up leave and walk to the nearest gardai station.

No one, drunk or not has the right to touch you. You politely told him to stop and he dint, you reacted perfectly imo and this guy deserves a good bollocking, minimum.

Lorrs33

Taking into account the replies, yes I do agree that sleep-walking can lead to indecent behaviour but clearly if you're aware you have this problem with too much alcohol on you, you need to tone it down a bit. What might seem innocent to you as going to piss on a friend on the couch, she/he will not see it that way and it could lead to serious consequences. After all, you were the one reaching into your pants over a sleeping person, who would the Gardai believe?

LegacyUser

Lorrs33 wrote: »

Taking into account the replies, yes I do agree that sleep-walking can lead to indecent behaviour but clearly if you're aware you have this problem with too much alcohol on you, you need to tone it down a bit. What might seem innocent to you as going to piss on a friend on the couch, she/he will not see it that way and it could lead to serious consequences. After all, you were the one reaching into your pants over a sleeping person, who would the Gardai believe?

+1 Totally agree

I have this icky feeling that he was not going to take a piss or was sleep walking. The mere fact that he was touching your leg made my skin crawl from reading your post. He was probably doing it to look for a reponse.

OP, I am sorry what has happened to you and you are very lucky that you got away in time. We don't know what may have followed if you did not get up. Whether he has done this before or not it is best to warn others about him. He is not to be trusted at all.

I honestly never sleep over anyone's place after a night out or become incapacitated by alcohol. I just don't feel comfortable being in another place where there are too many acquaintances or friends of friends or friends of whoever. What can you do when there are too many people around and your friends are in one room and you are somewhere else beside a random guy? I have heard stories very similar to yours OP, who have been almost or actually assaulted this way after a night out. I would never excuse this guy's vile behaviour but could you imagine if you or anyone else for that matter was simply too out of it to the point where they never got up and not have noticed something was wrong because of being too drunk? Or wake up the next morning having that funny feeling something has happened to you?

OP, count your lucky stars that nothing more transpired and trust your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right means it isn't. I have some friends and some were very lucky to wake up with just piss because some of the others were not and woke up to something else more terrifying. Alcohol is not an excuse for such repulsive behaviour. But I think ladies drinking too much can be dangerous because it can put them in a situation where they are not able to defend themselves or get away. Thankfully for you OP you were not in that situation.

I do think we have a very immature attitude in this country when it comes to drink and this scares me more. I have read too many other threads on boards excusing many behaviours (thankfully not this f***ing guy's) on drink.

I suggest sleeping at your own place or have an agreement amongst your girlfriends when going on a night out. Play it safe. Maybe if you decide to crash at a friend's place sleep in a room with just females. After hearing personal accounts from friends and cousins, I prefer not taking my chances and it never hurts to be extra careful.

x Purple Pawprints x

I'm taking into account all the replies saying that he genuinely may have been sleepwalking, it can happen that people do crazy things in their sleep. I may be going out on a limb here but isn't it true that most people have no recollection of stuff they do or stuff that happens when they were sleepwalking? Even if he was just drunk it doesn't excuse his behaviour, IMO you owe him nothing at all OP. Hope you're okay, mind yourself.