Which direction?

LegacyUser

Cutting straight to the point, my ex-hubby who is from NZ has just told me by email that HE thinks it's best that our daughter & I stay in Ireland! I was gobsmacked and hurt. We had been in talks about moving back to New Zealand, so our daughter can have a relationship with her dad again. She misses him dearly. As he does with her. There is no chance of us reconciling, nor do I want it. I feel he has said this because we may add drama to his happy life by coming back and stirring things up.
I consider going back because of my daughter and for a better life for myself having been there for a few of years. I came home after the divorce for the support from family and because I was homesick due to the crap relationship. I got the support, I'm okay but my life is going no where here. Hard to get work that suits and living in a small town doesn't help. Looking back, I don't think I tried hard enough in NZ to be happy and settle. They have since set up an Irish group there, which I'd love to check out. My bf is bursting for me to come back, but I question is it the right move. Knowing what's best is so hard. When I hear of all the Irish going, it makes me want to go all the more...
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Forever Hopeful

Leitrim chick wrote: »

Cutting straight to the point, my ex-hubby who is from NZ has just told me by email that HE thinks it's best that our daughter & I stay in Ireland! I was gobsmacked and hurt. We had been in talks about moving back to New Zealand, so our daughter can have a relationship with her dad again. She misses him dearly. As he does with her. There is no chance of us reconciling, nor do I want it. I feel he has said this because we may add drama to his happy life by coming back and stirring things up.
I consider going back because of my daughter and for a better life for myself having been there for a few of years. I came home after the divorce for the support from family and because I was homesick due to the crap relationship. I got the support, I'm okay but my life is going no where here. Hard to get work that suits and living in a small town doesn't help. Looking back, I don't think I tried hard enough in NZ to be happy and settle. They have since set up an Irish group there, which I'd love to check out. My bf is bursting for me to come back, but I question is it the right move. Knowing what's best is so hard. When I hear of all the Irish going, it makes me want to go all the more...
Any advice greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry OP but you have an ex husband AND and boyfriend based in NZ?
Question to ask really is, what is best for your child?!

LegacyUser

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

I'm sorry OP but you have an ex husband AND and boyfriend based in NZ?
Question to ask really is, what is best for your child?!

No, I meant "bf" = BEST FRIEND! I should have specified.

midnight_train

Hey OP,

For what it's worth, I think Ireland is a much better place to live than New Zealand. I was engaged to Kiwi guy and lived in NZ for a couple of years - part of the reason why we split is because I knew I'd never settle there. When I got on that plane the day of my departure, I'd never been so happy to leave a place. Yes, the scenery is nice, but it's incredibly isolated, very expensive, low wages, and a much smaller Irish community compared to other places. Honestly, I think there are so many more opportunities and real culture in Ireland, not to mention the fact that you are your daughter have your own family and friends here, and your ex is not into the idea of you moving there.

Don't.

AhInFairness

Your child's father is there and you want them to have a relationship.
Your boyfriend is there so I'm sure it's safe to assume you'd prefer to have a relationship with him that isn't long distance.

If you feel that you can make a go of it there then go for it. If it doesn't work out after you make a proper go of it then you can come home again. Maybe try to secure a job before you go? If you were going over to a secure situation it might make it a bit easier to go.

Best of luck! I hope it all works out for you!

LegacyUser

Thanks for your comments.

BF is for best friend. I do not have a boyfriend in NZ.

AhInFairness

Leitrim chick wrote: »

Thanks for your comments.

BF is for best friend. I do not have a boyfriend in NZ.

Apologies OP, I posted before your clarification appeared.

Boyfriend or best friend - you have someone in NZ who would love for you to be there and who would be a great support to you (I assume...?) so as far as I'd be concerned that it is another reason to go if it is what your gut is telling you to do.

It sounds like going would be a win for both you and your daughter, and as I said, you can always come home if it doesn't work out.

Daisy M

I think you need to leave your ex and his opinions out of the picture and base your decisions on what is best for you and your daughter. Are you a citizen of NZ are you able to live their permanently, do you have more work opportunities, how will you cope without your family if you experience other problems? If you continue to live in Ireland how will a relationship between your ex and daughter be facilitated, will he expect her to spend all school hols with him, how would you feel about this? Has your daughter settled here or does she consider NZ to be her home, if you moved back and it didnt work would she be able for a 3rd upheaval?

Beruthiel

Leitrim chick wrote: »

Cutting straight to the point, my ex-hubby who is from NZ has just told me by email that HE thinks it's best that our daughter & I stay in Ireland!

Who cares what he thinks?
It's a big country, you won't bump into each other....

If you want to go to NZ, go.
When you've settled in, give him your address and if he wishes to see his daughter, well and good.
If he doesn't, you can't force him.

Best of luck with the move.

leeroybrown

Who cares what he thinks. If he's happier to leave his child on the far side of the world with no contact then he's largely given up any say he might have had on the matter.

With regard to the comments about "Irish groups" and "Irish communities" above, the one guaranteed way not to properly settle in a new country is to make the classic mistake of burying yourself in your own pre-existing group down there. Even among the foreign friends I have in Ireland the ones who've successfully settled here are just like everyone else and actually dislike the idea of embedding themselves in a clique of their own countrymen. The ones who do that stay here in the medium term but eventually move home as members of that clique they build do the same thing over time.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your comments.

Daisy M. You asked some good questions that has me thinking.

It's more comfort zone of being home that helped me through divorce. More than my actual family having an input in my loss. They're very quiet people.

My ex is in regular contact with our daughter and would more so if we were living in same country. I don't doubt that.

Yes she will spend school hols with him once older. I don't know how I will feel. I imagine a mix from enjoying time to myself to missing her so much.

She has settled here, but she's at an age where she'd settle easily, but time is running out for that. If I asked her which, she'd say over to Daddy! She adores him...

Beruthiel - I will see him weekly if I move there when he picks our daughter up.

I wish it could be easier...

midnight_train

Hi OP,

I can only imagine how difficult a decision it must be for you.

Obviously, my perspective is completely different as I was only thinking of myself and didn't have a child ... though part of the reason why I decided not to marry my ex is that I didn't want to raise a child in NZ.

I'm not sure what area of NZ you are thinking of moving to, but don't forget the lack of indoor heating (I lived in Wellington and the cold, wet weather inside and out was a true misery) .... and I really do think education in Ireland is far better. And (I'm a dance teacher, so this is my perspective) if your daughter has any talent for the arts, it is a major struggle for kids in NZ to be able to fully participate in artistic things in a significant way - all of the major competitions are overseas and even to get to Australia from NZ is a massive cost, when you are earning NZ dollars.

Your daughter's relationship with her dad is massively important, and I really admire you for being willing to settle across the world in order to promote that. But I still think Ireland is a better place to raise/educate a child. And we have central heating!

Best of luck, OP, it's a major decision and I hope you're able to choose the right way for your and your daughter. But, as other posters have pointed out and as I realized myself, you could always go over and if doesn't work out, you can come back. There's always a Plan B!

Oh and if you haven't already, check out www.expatexposed.com

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Yes, thanks for that NZ website

Mc Kenzie

Forget what he thinks is right!

him and even all these comments can tell you whats most important and what we all think,,in our own opinion but at the end of the day the decision is down to you and what you feel is right for you..dont base your desisions on what others think..

if you feel its best for you to go to NZ then go ..if it dont work out its not the end of the world,,at least you will not regret having tried .....best of luck

Wompa1

I don't know if you'll like the place any more. Was there anything other than the scenery and you friend that you liked about the place?