Crying babies: requesting parental respect/cop-on at a wedding ceremony

Dostoevsky

Last time this was raised, the very honest/open/heated thread which followed was unfortunately locked.

We have decided to invite children for a whole host of reasons, most of which relate to making life easier for the parents in question who would not be able to come as their youngest are too young. While the children can be controlled, there will be about seven babies and our concern lies solely with the behaviour of their parents when they cry in the church. Essentially, my view here hasn't changed. Our experience of some parents total disregard for the couple's wedding on the day by keeping a crying baby in the church is harrowing. Having Ave Maria, the vows and other momentous parts of the ceremony drowned out by crying children leaves me bereft of words to sum up the parents involved. On paper, neither of us have friends that stupid and inconsiderate but.... I would imagine that sitting near the door, for instance, should be basic common sense, and I would personally embrace any excuse to leave the predictability of mass and go outside. Unfortunately, el numnut with the crying baby will probably choose to sit in the middle of a row and soak up every second of his/her annual trip to mass. :rolleyes:

Our problem is: is it possible to convey to the parents in question in a polite, tactful way that if their baby is crying we'd appreciate it if they could bring him/her out of the church immediately? Would it be too much to ask that parents of babies at that age would sit nearer the door for a quick exit? Could a solution be that we have something set up in the wedding venue for kids at the time the ceremony is on thus having only adults and older children at the ceremony?

lazygal

I think if you've decided to ask children or not made it clear they aren't invited, you can't really control what happens when they attend a wedding. We had a smallish wedding and our ceremony took place in a small enough room (humanist ceremony). Any crying/noise would have been extremely obvious and there wouldn't have been the same ability for parents to slip out due to the layout of the chairs/room. We also decided to have a child free wedding for other reasons. We made this clear to all guests, only put the names of those invited on the invitations and had a note in the information sheet stating that children could not be accommodated at the venue as it was private and had rules about children not being on the premises. Those who pressed for their children to attend were told of the situation, and if they really pressed (one or two couples) were kindly told we of course understood if they couldn't attend.

So if you've not gone that route and included children, I don't think you can tell parents how to control their children. Some parents will automatically bring a child out at the first sign of a whimper, others think its delightful to allow a child to play with a noisy toy during a church service and still others seem to be blissfully unaware how disruptive a bored and screaming child is. However, anyone I know who had children at their weddings just put up with them on the day. I've been at weddings where the vows were drowned out by a crying newborn and the first dance dominated by small children on the dance floor. But at the end of the day, you've decided to invite these people. in the same way I think you'd be out of line telling your drinky aunt to go easy on the wine with dinner or your 'hilarious' cousin to keep the smart remarks to the ladies to a minimum, you can't control how parents deal with their children.

I also don't think most parents would be inclined to leave their young children, especially a baby who needs to be feed at specific times, at a reception venue, drive to a church, and then drive back again. More than likely, such guests would chose to skip the ceremony and attend the reception. Not saying its right but I think that's what would happen.

stinkle

I think it's a hard one to control - as the last poster said, if you've gone and allowed children to be present then it might be tricky to get the message across.

I know people get testy about this, and each wedding is different. We are having a child-free wedding (we hope!), and this is because we are both the eldest in our families, we dont have kids of our own and our close friends and younger siblings don't either. There are no kids that we have any connection with, and so we aren;t inviting cousins kids etc. The numbers are also dictating this.

If we had kids or nieces/nephews then grand, I'd have no prob with immediate family being there, due to obvious child minding issues and the fact that they would be FAMILY. Also lots of folk would be around to mind them during the day, plus you can be blunt with family and let the parents/grandparents know if you'd like them to go outside if need be. This isn't so easy with extended family. Can you get your ushers to seat anyone with kids towards the back of the room so that any sounds wont be right in your ear?

Ickle Magoo

What about getting the priest/vicar/registrar to make a plea that parents remove any child getting too restless/crying before starting the ceremony?

Or leave little notes on the chairs/pews closes to the aisle/at the rear asking they be reserved for parents of small children who may need to exit quickly and hope they take the hint?

ABajaninCork

I don't mind children. I had two small babies at my wedding, and both behaved impeccably. However, the parents were prepared to take them out if they started crying. Then again, they had the sensitivity to appreciate the occasion.

It's not the baby's fault if it starts crying. Babies don't cry for no reason. It's the selfish, ignorant parent's fault for not taking them out of the church.

I get this all the time at Mass. Poor little things start crying, and the parents are just sitting there oblivious to the fact no-one can hear the priest over the crying. It really makes me cross.:mad:

hoodwinked

we had my partners brothers wedding with our daughter (2)


they wanted no children (after much hulabaloo the groom put his foot down and said his niece was to be there)

as brother/niece of the groom we had to sit right up the front so we sat nearest the edge to the side aisle/exit she was silent throughout most of the ceremony i say most because at one of the stand up/kneel/sit down parts she slipped whacking her head off the seat badly,


that split second while she was processing wat happened her my partner whipped her up and was out of the church before she screamed, everyone after praised him for his speed and silent save! :pac:


but tbh i wouldn't have allowed her come only i know she sits quietly through mass every Sunday and i knew she'd not be a bother.


i would hope most parents would be like this, otherwise i agree with the poster above, have your priest/ceremony conductor announce at the start could parents with young children please remove them asap if they get too noisy or upset!

elvis jones

Dostoevsky wrote: »

Last time this was raised, the very honest/open/heated thread which followed was unfortunately locked.

We have decided to invite children for a whole host of reasons, most of which relate to making life easier for the parents in question who would not be able to come as their youngest are too young. While the children can be controlled, there will be about seven babies and our concern lies solely with the behaviour of their parents when they cry in the church. Essentially, my view here hasn't changed. Our experience of some parents total disregard for the couple's wedding on the day by keeping a crying baby in the church is harrowing. Having Ave Maria, the vows and other momentous parts of the ceremony drowned out by crying children leaves me bereft of words to sum up the parents involved. On paper, neither of us have friends that stupid and inconsiderate but.... I would imagine that sitting near the door, for instance, should be basic common sense, and I would personally embrace any excuse to leave the predictability of mass and go outside. Unfortunately, el numnut with the crying baby will probably choose to sit in the middle of a row and soak up every second of his/her annual trip to mass. :rolleyes:

Our problem is: is it possible to convey to the parents in question in a polite, tactful way that if their baby is crying we'd appreciate it if they could bring him/her out of the church immediately? Would it be too much to ask that parents of babies at that age would sit nearer the door for a quick exit? Could a solution be that we have something set up in the wedding venue for kids at the time the ceremony is on thus having only adults and older children at the ceremony?

While your at it why not say if anyone has a cough could they stand in the doorway also.

Honestly i've never heard a weirder request in my life, if i was at that wedding and that was said i would just walk out. You either want people there or you don't.

Its a celebration and if at the start you start making demands of your guests that if they have children and if they make noise we'd rather they sat near the door so they could leave IMMEDIATELY what sort of atmosphere will that create ?

Perhaps you should also put a 3 drink limit on all guests in case they get drunk and start to sing at the end of the evening.

I wouldn't call a crying baby harrowing, i'd call it a sign of life.

Finally from my own wedding day we had about 20 kids at the wedding and a few babies and honestly if they had rioted and set the place on fire i wouldn't have noticed. I was 100% focused on my wife to be and what we were about to do:)

stovelid

Each to their own I guess. I'm a parent and I wouldn't really have minded a child crying in the church during my ceremony but I wouldn't keep a crying baby of my own in the ceremony. That said, if a relative specifically had a child-free wedding, I'd think it a little rude. I think weddings are a family occasion and I'd hate to think of children not being allowed to come. I wouldn't bring my kids to a wedding of a friend, but a family wedding, I would expect to so they can be there with their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.

corktina

most parents would be sensitive enough to take out the baby or stick it on the boob* or bottle, but it's all part of the day, which is all about Family.

OP If it really bothers you that much, you should have not invited children.

*or would that be frowned on in a Church ( I do hope not!)

stovelid

Dostoevsky wrote: »

Our problem is: is it possible to convey to the parents in question in a polite, tactful way

Hopefully you convey it to the assorted "numnuts" in a slightly more pleasant way than your OP.

Gatica

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

What about getting the priest/vicar/registrar to make a plea that parents remove any child getting too restless/crying before starting the ceremony?

Or leave little notes on the chairs/pews closes to the aisle/at the rear asking they be reserved for parents of small children who may need to exit quickly and hope they take the hint?

I agree... I think this is a nice idea. It would be difficult to tell people "control your children" once you've invited them with kids.
However, having an usher directing people where to sit could help you resolve this. They could point where people should go sit when they come in and anyone with young children can be directed to a "reserved" area at the end of an isle or at the back for evereyone's convenience. If they have buggies this would also be helpful anyway.

shinikins

If your really that concerned about crying infants then arrange a babysitter/teenage cousin or sibling to take care of it. You can tell the parents in advance that *Mary* will be available during the ceremony if their baby cries, to take it outside so the can enjoy your wedding, and any crying will not disturb the other guests. Similarly, arrange a babysitter for the reception, the kids will most likely play together anyway, so having one person to look after them in one area makes sense.

My partners sister is getting married next month, she's asked a friend of mine to babysit her two kids-she's paying her a flat rate for the day, and is paying for her to stay overnight in the hotel. If any of the guests need a babysitter, the bride has told them that my friend is there, but they can arrange their own fee with her to look after their children. Pretty sensible option tbh.

amdublin

I think the fact you've invited children means you can't dictate.

IMO you should not have invited them, but the horse has bolted at this stage IMO.

clint_silver

The priest at the altar is the time to do this. He incorporates the request into other requests like turning off mobile phones and when he's reading out the events to follow. If anyone ignores that then theyed ignore the request no matter where it came from.

matrim

Does your church have a crying / kids room? If it does you could possibly point this out to people before hand. e.g. have a line in the information about the church saying that one is provided.

Daisy M

I would have been insulted if I was asked to a wedding and it was mentioned that if our child/children started to cry or shout out to bring them outside. The reason I would be insulted would be because I should have been credited with enough sense to do this without been asked. At my brothers wedding between my other siblings and I we had a gang of kids. If any of them started to make noise their parent who was an inlaw brought them outside. That way we siblings got to see the ceremony but noise was kept to a minimum, common sense really.

Also just to add the only weddings we bring our children to are family weddings when they are invited. They have been invited to close friends weddings but we didnt bring them as they would not know any other children and its nice to get a day out by yourselves. They enjoy the family weddings and the fuss people make of them but we arrange a babysitter for the evening part.

clint_silver

Daisy M wrote: »

I would have been insulted if I was asked to a wedding and it was mentioned that if our child/children started to cry or shout out to bring them outside. The reason I would be insulted would be because I should have been credited with enough sense to do this without been asked. At my brothers wedding between my other siblings and I we had a gang of kids. If any of them started to make noise their parent who was an inlaw brought them outside. That way we siblings got to see the ceremony but noise was kept to a minimum, common sense really.

Also just to add the only weddings we bring our children to are family weddings when they are invited. They have been invited to close friends weddings but we didnt bring them as they would not know any other children and its nice to get a day out by yourselves. They enjoy the family weddings and the fuss people make of them but we arrange a babysitter for the evening part.

You should not get offended as you should know the request is not directed at you as you are probably dutiful parents. Think of it as no more then a request to turn off a mobile phone. Everytime youre at a church event and you hear "can you turn off mobile phones please", you dont get offended, you just think "well, why would someone be so insensitive not to do that". and sure enough 10 minutes later off goes the nokia down the back and youre thinking "FFS, the priest even said to turn them off!!!!."

Same for kids. Its common sense to bring them outside if theyre disturbing events (and no problem, the little people dont get that sense of occassion), but some people just lack that bit of common sense. Its those people who the request is directed at.

slarkin123

I think Ilclke has the right idea. Ask the priest if he could have a word beforehand with the guests. Though are touch sure it would be needed, its basic cop on for the parents to bring a child outside if he/she is disturbing a ceremony.

Raiser

Dostoevsky wrote: »

Last time this was raised, the very honest/open/heated thread which followed was unfortunately locked.

We have decided to invite children for a whole host of reasons, most of which relate to making life easier for the parents in question who would not be able to come as their youngest are too young. While the children can be controlled, there will be about seven babies and our concern lies solely with the behaviour of their parents when they cry in the church. Essentially, my view here hasn't changed. Our experience of some parents total disregard for the couple's wedding on the day by keeping a crying baby in the church is harrowing. Having Ave Maria, the vows and other momentous parts of the ceremony drowned out by crying children leaves me bereft of words to sum up the parents involved. On paper, neither of us have friends that stupid and inconsiderate but.... I would imagine that sitting near the door, for instance, should be basic common sense, and I would personally embrace any excuse to leave the predictability of mass and go outside. Unfortunately, el numnut with the crying baby will probably choose to sit in the middle of a row and soak up every second of his/her annual trip to mass. :rolleyes:

Our problem is: is it possible to convey to the parents in question in a polite, tactful way that if their baby is crying we'd appreciate it if they could bring him/her out of the church immediately? Would it be too much to ask that parents of babies at that age would sit nearer the door for a quick exit? Could a solution be that we have something set up in the wedding venue for kids at the time the ceremony is on thus having only adults and older children at the ceremony?

I don't blame you, you're simply a product of the manner in which our idiotic society allows people to get caught up in a ridiculous, self-important, narcissistic bubble of marvellous wedding day nonsense.

- Your wedding will be the same as most others, 25% of those in attendance will be there reluctantly, 25% to catch up with distant Aunties, 25% will bitch about one or both of you due to miscellneous grievances such as losing a days holidays, having to pay you cash in an envelope for a lukewarm, stringy beef dinner etc. 25% percent will be there cause ye felt ye 'had' to ask them.

100% will tolerate the ceremony as the priest witters on about the epistles to the apostles and the congregation study the back of their hands before listening to some girl holler in the balcony to pay her credit card bill.

- My advice to anyone with this mindset would be to re-evaluate their priorities and perspective - I hope that as a couple life never presents you with an actual problem, I'd also hope that people who think this way would mature and perhaps grow more rounded as people before considering fathering any children of their own.

Do be careful or you could end up here :eek:!

P.S. History will be kinder to the once a year church goer you reverently mention than those devout that are propping up the catholic church, you'll see......

Atomicjuicer

Yeah babies are great but a wedding is a special, once in a lifetime moment.

If your child starts wailing - take them out.

Seems like common sense but I was at a wedding last weekend with 3 screaming babies. The parents just stayed where they were when it was sunny outside and there was a crying room at the back.

JustAThought

Well Raiser, With that view let's hope you avoid all weddings likethe plague as you obviously are a hater.
I like the suggestions here about reserved seats & the priests message : ) subtle but strong.
My pals had a civic ceremony & the venue alliwed for a separate room which was set up as a DVD/ cinema room : for the main event all the kids were corralled in here with an adult supervisor; a trough of lucky bags and popcorn and 30 minutes of their favourite cartoons: everyone was delighted!!! They reemerged for the " afters" & photos & didn't have to sit through a ceremony they didn't understand or care about( no offense intended)
For the offended out there; my friend spent the last weeks of his life choosing & preparing the ceremony, readings & poems for his funeral ; most if Which went unheard because of a screaming baby & it's mothers oblivion to all the angry states and husshs from about her.
I'm sure he's still up there fuming about it.
She on the other hand; didn't give a s*** & sure the baby dosnt knownbetter.
Just because the darlings are the light of your life dosnt mean that anyone else enjoys the racket; so be considerate . Wig all the time & effort & cost involved; it's nit too much to expect