Can you just 'fall out of love'?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'll try get straight to the point!

Myself and my boyfriend of 3 years are both 26 and living together the last year approx. We have plenty of petty fights like most couples but overall, we have a very happy, loving relationship..Well so i thought...

Recently, he has become slightly withdrawn and less affectionate towards me which I put down to stress at work. We have always been extremely supportive with one another so I just tried to listen to him and be there for him. But we ended up having a huge argument after a night out last week and everything took a plunge from there..

He basically said he still loved me very much but he was feeling confused and unsure about our relationship and our future together..We had always been open and talked about travelling, moving house and eventually settling down so obviously this uncertainty came as a huge shock for me. I was obviously devastated and tried to work out his reasons..was it something I had done, he had done or maybe something else?? After about a week of tears and complete emotional drainage he just said he could not do it anymore at all..He said he could not be with me anymore because he hated himself so much for hurting me and for feeling this way about us now..

I suggested maybe a break, some time apart to clear our heads but he was and still is completely insistent that it is over completely...He won't even talk to his family/friends about it and has completely shut himself off. As we are still living together, I suppose it is not "officially" over yet but it is as good as in his opinion...

I am so hurt that he could just throw what we have away so easily and just turn his back because he is scared about our future it seems?? I am a person who lives for the day and takes each one as it comes..I mean no-one knows what will happen in the future no matter how much we plan..

Do you think he is just confused/scared right now or am I being completely naive and is this just his way of letting me down gently by impyling 'it's not you, it's me'. Can people really just fall out of love that easily?? Please, has this happened to anyone before and what should I do?? I have tried to give him space but it hasn't seemed to make any difference..I am also genuinely worried that he won't talk about it to anyone and just wants to try and push it all away...I love him so much and am truly devastated...

seanrose

hi heartbroken girl

sorry to say op but this is gonna be a difficult and hard time but dont feel annoyed that your heartbroken as 3 years is along time

the main advice that i can give you is keep your dignity,i wrote a thread on this going through the same thing and i wish i would have listenend to the advice i was given both on this thread and by family and also cut contact and accept the relationship is over,

there is nothing you can do or say to your ex that is gonna make him change his mind so the quicker you accept that the better it will be for you.

keep yourself busy,i found the gym as a great outlet to release my energy and it makes you feel so much better after a good session and less time to think of the breakup

i blamed myself for my breakup but a year has passed and have come to realise that it wasnt all my fault and i looked at our relationship through rose tinted glasses after the breakup.she had many issues and it wasnt me who was gonna be able to fix them

its probably going through your head the thought of him being with somebody else but why not just take a break and youl come to realise that you have plenty to give somebody else.he may move on quickly but i saw with my ex that she has had many relationhips before me and will have plenty after me as they havent moulded the perfect man for her yet and its gonna take one hell of a person to make her happy

look out for yourself op and make sure you eat and sleep properly,it can wear you down but youl have good days as well and will take time to get over

Kidchameleon

HeartbrokenGirl wrote: »

I am so hurt that he could just throw what we have away so easily and just turn his back

From your perspective it looks like this. But he may have been thinking about this for months

Piliger

HeartbrokenGirl wrote: »

I am so hurt that he could just throw what we have away so easily and just turn his back because he is scared about our future it seems?? I am a person who lives for the day and takes each one as it comes..I mean no-one knows what will happen in the future no matter how much we plan..

Hi OP - Firstly you need to take a step back and realise that just because he may be scared about the future and going through some kind of personal crisis, which MAY involve falling out of love with you - it's not an act of aggression toward you! he is not throwing it away. He is simply telling you how he feels and being honest. I know it hurts like hell .... but he can;t be blamed for how he feels.

Can people really just fall out of love that easily??

There doesn't seem to be anything easy about it. He seems genuinely regretful and honest with you.

And of course we can fall out of love. Love is not a permanent state. It is a very precious thing and all kinds of personal crisis, uncertainty and life's experiences can damage or kill it.

Please, has this happened to anyone before and what should I do?? I have tried to give him space but it hasn't seemed to make any difference..I am also genuinely worried that he won't talk about it to anyone and just wants to try and push it all away...I love him so much and am truly devastated...

I can't offer a solution. You mention that this is a recent thing. I can only say that if it were me I would give him some time. Give him some space. See how he feels in a few weeks or a month. A relationship is worth that in my opinion.

If he still feels the same, or won't accept your patience, then you may have to face up to the consequences. On the other hand, some time may help him resolve his issues.

Scanlas The 2nd

Hi op, has he said he doesn't love you, it could be that he still loves you but with the talk of settling down he can't handle the thought of never being with any other women again so he feels conflicted. Just one possibility.

inthesameboat

HeartbrokenGirl wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'll try get straight to the point!

Myself and my boyfriend of 3 years are both 26 and living together the last year approx. We have plenty of petty fights like most couples but overall, we have a very happy, loving relationship..Well so i thought...

Recently, he has become slightly withdrawn and less affectionate towards me which I put down to stress at work. We have always been extremely supportive with one another so I just tried to listen to him and be there for him. But we ended up having a huge argument after a night out last week and everything took a plunge from there..

He basically said he still loved me very much but he was feeling confused and unsure about our relationship and our future together..We had always been open and talked about travelling, moving house and eventually settling down so obviously this uncertainty came as a huge shock for me. I was obviously devastated and tried to work out his reasons..was it something I had done, he had done or maybe something else?? After about a week of tears and complete emotional drainage he just said he could not do it anymore at all..He said he could not be with me anymore because he hated himself so much for hurting me and for feeling this way about us now..

I suggested maybe a break, some time apart to clear our heads but he was and still is completely insistent that it is over completely...He won't even talk to his family/friends about it and has completely shut himself off. As we are still living together, I suppose it is not "officially" over yet but it is as good as in his opinion...

I am so hurt that he could just throw what we have away so easily and just turn his back because he is scared about our future it seems?? I am a person who lives for the day and takes each one as it comes..I mean no-one knows what will happen in the future no matter how much we plan..

Do you think he is just confused/scared right now or am I being completely naive and is this just his way of letting me down gently by impyling 'it's not you, it's me'. Can people really just fall out of love that easily?? Please, has this happened to anyone before and what should I do?? I have tried to give him space but it hasn't seemed to make any difference..I am also genuinely worried that he won't talk about it to anyone and just wants to try and push it all away...I love him so much and am truly devastated...

I could have wrote this post OP but change the number of years to 10+
Now nearly 4 months since the break up I can only tell you that time is the only thing for you to basically 'get better'. Its so hard. There were days where I could not stop crying and dont know how I functioned..
I so totally feel for you.
Please put yourself first... Ive had to learn to do that...you will feel better..

SunnyDub1

Hi Op,

from my own experience - people do fall out of love.
Sad but true. As hard as it can be it does happen. Sometimes not an easy process.

If someone wants you in their life they will make the effort. Your still young and have so many years left to meet someone who will love you and treat you right. Do you really want to be with someone who is making you feel this miserable ?


Move on easier said then done, but it does get easier trust me..

Take this to an advantage, meet up with friends, go out, start doing things that make you feel good about yourself and feel happy ..

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for all of the supportive, understanding replies..it does really help knowing that people go through the same thing every day..

It is so difficult not to blame myself-I am torturing myself trying to find reasons as he cannot or does not have any..I know that he is just being honest about his feelings so I guess that makes it difficult to be angry at him and try to move on and realise that I deserve better..

I am still in the same place-my feelings have not changed..that makes it impossible to understand then where he is coming from I suppose..

We are trying to give each other space now and then who knows maybe he will realise what he has pushed away..but I know I cannot wait around in the hope that he might come back to me..Yes he says that he still loves me very much so again I suppose thats what makes it so hard to understand and allow me to let go...:(

BraziliaNZ

HeartbrokenGirl wrote: »

We are trying to give each other space now and then who knows maybe he will realise what he has pushed away..but I know I cannot wait around in the hope that he might come back to me..Yes he says that he still loves me very much so again I suppose thats what makes it so hard to understand and allow me to let go...:(

He wont realise anything - he already knows the score. He loves you yes, I love my brother but I don't want to sleep with him.
They never come back in these situations. Even if he did, you wouldn't be very comfortable not knowing if it's for real, or if he's just settled for you? You can't win right now with this guy in your life in any shape or form, so try not to speak to him ever again, I've had to do it, lots of us have, it's not that bad after a while.