Shyness...tackle it, or leave it be?

Hannibal Smith

So my 3 year old is extremely shy. Anytime an adult talks to him, he completely blanks them...if they lean down to talk to him he'll look the other way. With adults we know, it takes him a while to come out of his shell, but with adults he doesn't know they haven't a hope of getting anything out of him, not even a hello.

He's in creche 3 days and is fine with the adults in there. And he doesn't have any speech problems, in fact when he gets going he's a complete chatter box.

Up until now, I've been cutting him some slack and explaining to people that he's shy, but they just insist on trying to get an answer out of him with a kind of tone as if he's being rude. But he's not he's just shy.

So what do I do? I've said it to him a load of times that when some one says hello he has to say hello back, but when it comes to putting it into practice he completely shuts off. Do I push him, or just let him snap out of it in his own time? If it was down to me I'sf leave him be, but the people that push him make me think, I should be insisting he talk back?

lynchieboy

Leave him alone I'd say, if he's going through a phase then he'll grow out of it but if he is chronically shy pushing him will make the situation a lot worse and probably scar him mentally,

bulmersgal

Where just coming into this stage, my daughter turned 2 and I thought it was lack of words and her sussing out people. She's in crèche full time and is a chatter box but even when we walk into crèche if another parent walking my she gets scared and wants to be lifted. It's hard what to know what to do. As I'm very confident and will talk to wall and she's like that too at home but this non talking to new people annoys me as its not good to be shy

pwurple

Sounds like it is just his personality. I would be happy enough to leave it be, and try not to put him in situations too often where he is uncomfortable.

There is nothing at all wrong with being shy. Everyone isn't an extrovert.

How to deal with the pushy adults is the question. I have a very shy niece, and she is ok with people she knows, but still leaves a safe distance between them and her. Always checking for where mammy is. It's just who she is. I usually give her a bit of space until she approaches me (accidentally frightened her one day though by appearing out of a bathroom when she didn't now I was in the house. Funny to me, not so much for her, poor thing.)

Anyway, one of her uncles insists that he is Brilliant With Kids and is honestly offended when she doesn't respond to the play or jokes. No amount of telling him she is shy gets through. So I guess you just have to put up with some people.

lynski

my little girl was like this too, for awhile, but she is fine now. when she started in playschool last year she would barely talk to the leaders or other children, now she is a bossy boots. She would rarely talk in public, but now she will engage not all the time, but on and off.
I think some children are like that. I do encourage not to be rude tho, so i ask her to acknowledge people when they say hello, even if it is just a wave.

Hannibal Smith

that's great. thank you for the replies. I've no problem leaving him, its just the way others were behaving I wondered should I be encouraging him. I wonder is there a way of easing him out of it. I don't want him thinking its ok to be rude, whatever the reason. I might push him to at least say hello and build it up from there.

thanks again xx

liliq

Ah I'd leave him too!
I was painfully shy when I was younger, I think if my parents had pushed me too hard to be more overt it would have been very forced and I would never have figured out what way I'm happy and comfortable interacting with people. Encouraging him to say hello like you've mentioned might be a good start without it being too overwhelming for him.
It's all just a part of him figuring out who he is I'd say
If adults talk down to him in any non friendly, aggressive or inisisting tone I cant imagine they're doing him any favours.

fptosca

I say let it be and don't care about people pushing him. If his behaviour on the creche is fine, then I wouldn't worry about it.
This might be silly but maybe someone has mentioned him not to talk to stangers and that's stick to his mind.

xsiborg

OP i have a seven year old boy that's exactly like your child. you have nothing to be worrying about whatsoever. it's the adults i'd expect to show some understanding, especially the "im great with kids me!" type.

you shouldnt be taking an adult being put out so much to heart, they'll get over it a lot quicker than your child will, and if they dont, well, thats hardly your fault either!

i bring my young lad with me on call-out jobs and i've noticed that if people dont get up in his face, he relaxes around them a lot quicker and is more relaxed and will chat away to them.

im 35 myself and i still feel awkward or shy around strangers, so i can understand from my son's point of view that he might feel intimidated by some complete stranger thinking he should instantly click with them, because in THEIR mind they're "great with children", and the child "must" be the problem if they dont respond like they've known this person forever... :rolleyes:

your child will be fine OP as he is, and probably better off that he is a bit shy and cautious around strangers.

Hannibal Smith

Thanks for the replies. I can be quite shy myself, so I understand where he's coming from. That's why up until now I haven't even pushed the hello and good bye bit. But I just don't know should he be out of it by now?

The people who think they're great with kids and who get in his face deserve what they get...but its just he won't talk to anyone.

Anyhow...we've talked to him and told him saying hello and good bye is as important as please and thank you....he said okay next time he'd do it....was out shopping a woman said hello he blanked her lol . Its not going to be easy

cbyrd

My 9 year old was like this.. to the point that my friend thought shee was a bit simple :eek: at 3 she had never heard her speak..(she used to look after her..) i didn't realise she was so quiet when we weren't around.. needless to say she's a huge chatterbox now and knows more people in the estate than we do..my eldest used to hate leaving people she really liked so would never give kisses or hugs goodbye to her nanas or grandads and would refuse even to look at them when they tried to say goodbye..when they started mixing with their own age group they really came out of it
i'd say leave him, when he starts play school it'll probably sort itself out..and anyway a huge big adult leaning over you can be fairly intimidating at their size.;)

Sparkyd2002

Oh my God leave it be. yes you are right to encourage a smile or a wave and keep trying that will come but a child who is naturally wary of adults, especially strangers is a good thing IMO. I was very careful of adults as a child, just didnt trust them, guess im like that by nature, i really need to know someone before i will give them my trust. Still like that now with people i dont know, wont be rude but always wary, and it has served me well. My son is 6 now and is kind of the same, came across as shy with adults and sometime still does, but amongts kids his own age nowadays he is the one in playgrounds that goes and makes new friends. That took a while but it just came eventually. As for adults Im glad he feels the need to take his time and warm to them.

Hannibal Smith

cbyrd wrote: »

My 9 year old was like this.. to the point that my friend thought shee was a bit simple :eek: at 3 she had never heard her speak..(she used to look after her..) i didn't realise she was so quiet when we weren't around.. needless to say she's a huge chatterbox now and knows more people in the estate than we do..my eldest used to hate leaving people she really liked so would never give kisses or hugs goodbye to her nanas or grandads and would refuse even to look at them when they tried to say goodbye..when they started mixing with their own age group they really came out of it
i'd say leave him, when he starts play school it'll probably sort itself out..and anyway a huge big adult leaning over you can be fairly intimidating at their size.;)

He's been in creche since he was 10 months I appreciate the adult leaning over can be intimidating, which is why I have cut him a lot of slack and haven't pushed it till now. Maybe some of the problem is that he's tall for his age and most people assume he's older and should be more vocal.

Hi Sparkyd2002, like you say, I don't mind him being wary of adults and I agree it's better that he is. It's just he says nothing and like I say sometimes he'll even look the other way :rolleyes:, so he's going out of his way not to have to respond