Engagement Dilemma

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
I will try to keep this short. My boyfriend is going to propose (I accidentally found the ring), we had discussed it so it's not a big surprise but I'm super excited!

Anyway the problem is my mother, she doesn't like him. He has never treated me badly and I am very happy and sure he is the one she has just never thought he was good enough. She would like me to be with a lawyer or doctor, not a builder. When she calls and texts she never asks about him. When my parents come to visit she is polite to him but has brought up ex-boyfriends etc and even said to his face 'Oh you're growing on me.' I was mortified.

I have confronted her about it and she said she is disappointed with my choice and that I could do better and she didn't sacrifice for me to go to college so I would end up with a builder. I was extemely upset but have gotten on with my life. We are not as close as we were and I am disappointed that she can not put her feelings aside for my happiness. My father gets on well with him and has no problems.

Anyway I am dreading telling her when he does propose because she won't be as excited and as happy as I am. We are planning on going abroad to get married, just the two of us and having a party when we return. This is what we both want but it would save having her go through a day when she's not really happy for me. I am dreading telling her and it is taking the good out of things for me. Also I am an only child so it makes things worse.

Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been through similar stuff?

Thanks in advance,

G

SunnyDub1

IMO you can't really change anyones feelings or how they think about a person.
She should be happy that you have found someone that is treating you right , makes you happy and willing to spend the rest of their life with you.
this is a happy and precious period of your life, don't let anyone ruin or spoil it.

Your mother is just going to have to accept and realize it and get over it, and hopefully in time she will appreciate how in love and happy you are with him.

Congrats BTW :P

sbsquarepants

proposal1 wrote: »

He has never treated me badly and I am very happy

Basically, this should be enough for your mother, indeed for any mother. If it's not, then that's her problem, don't let it bother you. She sounds like quite a bit of a snob to be honest.

Daisy M

Dont allow your mother to take away from what should be one of the happiest events of your life. Celebrate your engagement, be happy and enjoy planning your future. If your mother attempts to put a downer on things just tell her you already knew she wouldnt be happy but you have made a consious decision not to allow her negativity to impact on your happiness. Ask her did her family or inlaws behave like this when she got engaged, if the answer is yes then say "well why would you do the same to me?" And if its "no" then say "well why would you do that to your own child?"

username123

Just out of interest - what does your father do for a living? Sometimes parents becomes obsessed with something they wanted for themselves and project it onto their child - regardless of what the child wants.

Anyway - the reason doesnt matter - the main thing is, you are an adult capable of making your own choices about who you want to be with. Im sure we'd all love to marry a doctor or a lawyer - because thats whats important in a relationship isnt it, the job the other person does? What a load of claptrap. Your mother needs to grow up and accept your decisions. There is no need to justify anything to her. If she is disappointed in your choice thats her problem. You are disappointed in her behaviour and she doesnt seem to care about that? She sounds like a pretty selfish woman, and a snob as well.

And listen - its not your mother who is going to be spending their live with this person, its you - so your choice is all that matters. You cant live your life to please other people otherwise we'd all be miserable with whoever our parents wanted us to marry.

tinkerbell

You need to tell your mother to get over her stupid ignorant snobbery. I would say it straight out to her that you are sick of her constant negative comments and if she has nothing nice to say, then to keep her mouth shut. Tell her that you will not stand for horrible comments about the guy you love. Seriously, you need to tell her that you will not accept this behaviour, she'll probably stop it then.

And don't let her take away from your happiness whenever he does ask the question.

Fizzlesque

If it was me, I'd make some kind of joke about how lucky she is to be getting such a kind and loving son-in-law who is prepared to overlook her narrow-minded snobbery and see the good stuff about her (presuming she has some redeeming qualities). I'd twist it so she became the 'not quite good enough' element in the equation and joke about how she might grow on him over time.

I don't know if you can tease your mother like this, but perhaps the fact your dad isn't of the same mind as her means he could join forces with you and use humour to show her how outrageously snobbish and vacuous her attitude is.

Congratulations - on finding the ring . Best of luck with your mother and here's hoping your wedding is completely unmarred by other people's opinions.

Lola18

I know how your feeling Hun. I went through the same thing 2 years ago with my mum! My fiancé was never good enough for her, like you she expected me to find myself lawyer or doctor! She still doesn't fully approve but she got her head around the fact that it was my life and I was happy!
It did take time for her to accept it and there was times we didn't speak for a week! I used to be really close to my mum but because of it all we've grown slightly apart, but we're kinda getting closer again now. I kept assuring her that I loved her and I just wanted her to be happy that I found someone who I loved and who loved me, and someone who treated me well!
To be honest I think you should follow your heart, it may take time but when she realises how happy you are that's all that should matter to her. It's your happiness that matters, don't worry about what anyone thinks. Just do what's best for you!
Congratulations and best of luck with everything x