Trying to find half sister

LegacyUser

ok, guys, just wondering if anyone has had experience of tracking down long lost siblings. Basically have a sister a few years older than me who I have never met, and would love to find out more about. I have her name, and know where she grew up but not much more.

It's a thing which has been bugging me for nearly 5 years, wondering...

Any ideas?

OS119

tryingtofindsomeone wrote: »

ok, guys, just wondering if anyone has had experience of tracking down long lost siblings. Basically have a sister a few years older than me who I have never met, and would love to find out more about. I have her name, and know where she grew up but not much more.

It's a thing which has been bugging me for nearly 5 years, wondering...

Any ideas?

yes, think about her for a few minutes before you go charging off.

what impact on her will some previously unknown sibling appearing out of nowhere have on her? what will it do to her relationships with her parents? is it likely/possible that she is already aware of your existance, and should you interpret the fact that she's not made any attempt to contact you as her saying 'i'm not interested'?

do two things - put yourself in her shoes: and not from a 'i'm such a wonderful person, who wouldn't want me as a long lost sibling!' standpoint, and talk, discreetly, to someone in your family who may know the full(ish) story - because you almost certainly do not.

you must not do things - such as making contact - without seriously considering the effect that such revelations, or the re-opening of old wounds, can have on the other person. is she, for instance, the product of an affair that she thinks destroyed her mothers life? is she the 'first' child who got dumped when your mother came along?

i don't know you, or what the circumstances of this womans, and your, births were - it is possible that your birth, or your mothers existance, had a very negative effect on her life. if that is true, it is both very unlikely that she'll welcome you with open arms, and that you will further damage her mearly by advertising your existance.

be very, very careful - speak to someone who was 'there' to get information that you just don't have, speak to a social worker about the process, and, though its unfashionable, maybe speak to a preist. they may have been there, seen it, and got the T-shirt.

Danniboo

OS119 wrote: »

yes, think about her for a few minutes before you go charging off.

what impact on her will some previously unknown sibling appearing out of nowhere have on her? what will it do to her relationships with her parents? is it likely/possible that she is already aware of your existance, and should you interpret the fact that she's not made any attempt to contact you as her saying 'i'm not interested'?

do two things - put yourself in her shoes: and not from a 'i'm such a wonderful person, who wouldn't want me as a long lost sibling!' standpoint, and talk, discreetly, to someone in your family who may know the full(ish) story - because you almost certainly do not.

you must not do things - such as making contact - without seriously considering the effect that such revelations, or the re-opening of old wounds, can have on the other person. is she, for instance, the product of an affair that she thinks destroyed her mothers life? is she the 'first' child who got dumped when your mother came along?

i don't know you, or what the circumstances of this womans, and your, births were - it is possible that your birth, or your mothers existance, had a very negative effect on her life. if that is true, it is both very unlikely that she'll welcome you with open arms, and that you will further damage her mearly by advertising your existance.

be very, very careful - speak to someone who was 'there' to get information that you just don't have, speak to a social worker about the process, and, though its unfashionable, maybe speak to a preist. they may have been there, seen it, and got the T-shirt.

Where does the OP say that the sibling knows nothing about her??? Perhaps the parents are split up seen as the OP is younger than the other sibling???? I think that's awful advice you've given, all this talk of wrecking the other siblings life and "damaging" her. OP, i'd say try find out some more information if at all possible and perhaps start with a letter?? As for the codwollop about silence meaning they're not interested, don't take that personally, what a downright cruel and ignorant thing to say. No one guage what might happen from you contacting the sibling. If they are older perhaps they feel they should let you come to them and don't want to cause you upset, what age are you and your sibling?

We don't know if she will welcome you with open arms or if it will end in tears. The best thing you can do is be prepared for both outcomes. If you could give a little more information I might be able to give you a bit more advice.

username123

OS119 wrote: »

yes, think about her for a few minutes before you go charging off.

what impact on her will some previously unknown sibling appearing out of nowhere have on her? what will it do to her relationships with her parents? is it likely/possible that she is already aware of your existance, and should you interpret the fact that she's not made any attempt to contact you as her saying 'i'm not interested'?

do two things - put yourself in her shoes: and not from a 'i'm such a wonderful person, who wouldn't want me as a long lost sibling!' standpoint, and talk, discreetly, to someone in your family who may know the full(ish) story - because you almost certainly do not.

you must not do things - such as making contact - without seriously considering the effect that such revelations, or the re-opening of old wounds, can have on the other person. is she, for instance, the product of an affair that she thinks destroyed her mothers life? is she the 'first' child who got dumped when your mother came along?

i don't know you, or what the circumstances of this womans, and your, births were - it is possible that your birth, or your mothers existance, had a very negative effect on her life. if that is true, it is both very unlikely that she'll welcome you with open arms, and that you will further damage her mearly by advertising your existance.

be very, very careful - speak to someone who was 'there' to get information that you just don't have, speak to a social worker about the process, and, though its unfashionable, maybe speak to a preist. they may have been there, seen it, and got the T-shirt.

I think this is awful advice too.

The OP didnt come here asking for moral judgements or opinions on the right thing to do, they specifically asked if anyone had experience in tracking down long lost siblings.

People have the option not to respond to contact - simply making contact is not going to push anyones life into ruination.

OP - the first thing to do is to ask questions within the family, get as much info as you can.

If you have a name and an area you could use google or even a private detective. Facebook, or other social networking sites. Asking round the area, even advertisements in local newspapers could turn up something.

LegacyUser

thanks guys,

And to the first poster, that is fairly crap advice, which would only serve to protect the person, e.g. father in such a situation.

apparently she came looking to meet me when I was ten, but my parents felt it was a bit young, and now nobody knows where she is!

The situation, was to that point of distant support and acknowledgement, so no reason to overly think she wouldn't want to meet me.

Danniboo

tryingtofindsomeone1 wrote: »

thanks guys,

And to the first poster, that is fairly crap advice, which would only serve to protect the person, e.g. father in such a situation.

apparently she came looking to meet me when I was ten, but my parents felt it was a bit young, and now nobody knows where she is!

The situation, was to that point of distant support and acknowledgement, so no reason to overly think she wouldn't want to meet me.

Well OP, she wanted to meet you so that's a big positive. Do your parents have any more information on her whereabouts????

I would definitely send her a letter rather than arriving up, it's a sensitive and emotional issue so best to take baby steps.

Taltos

OP - please don't abuse this forum by insulting advice given honestly based on information you had provided. We are under no obligation to approve your posts and continued insults like this will result in this thread being closed.

Please take the time to review our Charter, the rules that apply to posters similarly apply to OPs.

Thanks
Taltos

mood

If you know her name maybe it would be possible to find her on Facebook or Linkedin. I'm not suggesting contacting her through it but you might be able to see here address and would then be able to send a letter. Or maybe if you have here old address you could ask if they have a forwarding address. Other than that i wouldn't know how to contact her.

OP did your parents not keep her contact details when she called? Are they not in touch with her and here mother/father at all? It seems strange that they know so little.

The_Conductor

OP- we host a number of 'trace documents' in the Adoption forum, that may be of interest/use to you link here.

I'm adopted myself and have traced my birth family.
The only advice I'd give is- suspend any expectations, any at all, you never know how your contact will be welcomed, or not- or indeed what circumstances your sister may be in, or her feelings towards you. I'm not trying to discourage you- simply tell you that you could find literally anything.......

We don't allow anonymous posting in the adoption forum- however if you PM one of the moderators we will happily repost on your behalf.

Kind regards,

Shane

LegacyUser

Thanks Guys,

It gives me quite a bit to go on.

@Taltos, I agree with you, but I don't think the advice would be in any way encouraging to someone reading over this thread in future, but appreciate what you are saying.

Yea, my parents are little light on details / try to ignore things in relation to this for some reason, but I would still like to find out for myself, good or bad what is the true story.

Unfortunately Facebook, etc hasn't thrown up too much, so I guess I might try the electoral register and ask around the locality.

@smccarrick - I'll look up things, and thanks for that. There are quite a few black sheep in my family, so I don't think a lot will shock me, and if she is in trouble / has other things to say, I don't beleive anybody should be able to silence her, even if that means some of my thoughts on certain people being confirmed or changed.

Thanks again everyone.